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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if I should let her meet bio father

62 replies

Hp737 · 20/06/2019 09:17

Please help me figure this out.
Long story short my dd (age 5) biological father who has never been in the picture and didn’t want anything to do with us has contacted me (I did previously attempt contact when she was born and when she was 1.5, he declined)
I still feel resentment and anger towards him but I know that soon dd will ask about her father and now he is saying he wants to make this right and help how he can (financially and also with contact if I agree).
I have read on here people saying they never met their bio dad and it has hurt them as people, I’ve read about people whose mums blocked access to their dads and how angry they were at their mums.
I guess what I want to know is do I agree to let him be in contact/be introduced to her (at a slow pace)? Is this in her best interest? Is it always in their best interest?
Please discuss and help

OP posts:

bluejelly · 20/06/2019 09:21

Is he a responsible, kind and patient person?

SupermassiveBlackHo · 20/06/2019 09:36

Has he been paying maintenance for the last five years? If not, I suggest you tell him that needs paying first.

Original poster

Hp737 · 20/06/2019 09:38

No, he hasn’t paid anything up to now. He says he will now set up a weekly standing order in line with the child maintenance rates.
He said he has wanted to contact me for ages but was “scared” but is a “very different person” now. This is all via email and I have no way of knowing what he’s really like now, or what has apparently changed.
I don’t want to deny dd anything important but equally hate that he can waltz back in now it apparently suits him better

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 20/06/2019 09:41

I would say yes, under gentle controlled conditions. Not full on days out loads of presents and promises. You don't want her to turn round later and say you stopped her having a relationship with her father.

SupermassiveBlackHo · 20/06/2019 09:41

Nah. He pays for his child after you have brought her up for five entire years. He can't just walk in and out and absolve all responsibility of the last five years she existed.

Original poster

Hp737 · 20/06/2019 09:41

@bluejelly he wasn’t back then, was very nasty when I got pregnant (we had known each other a year, it was a contraception failure and we were both mid 20s but he was an utter cock to me. He has apologised in his recent messages for this)
He still earns jsut above minimum wage, does a very unstable job which is unlikely to change. Past MH issues which he says he is now having counselling for.

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 20/06/2019 09:42

Remember, this isn't about him. It is about your DD.

Chocolateychocolate · 20/06/2019 09:42

I think the money/maintenance request may make the op seem as if that's all she cares about, if she mentions this first? I had to let my exdh take me to court for visitation rights before he would cough up.

ittakes2 · 20/06/2019 09:42

I would get to known him again first and then make the decision.

00100001 · 20/06/2019 09:43

maybe you should meet up with him without DD in tow and find out what's going on?

Original poster

Hp737 · 20/06/2019 09:45

Chocolatey I didn’t ask for the money- he offered to start paying. I manage well financially having retrained when dd was a baby, I frankly didn’t want to contact him again for the money, also worries it would mean he might spitefully go for access through courts. That may be what he’s slyly trying to do. He isn’t on the birth cert so that would be a long road and tbh I don’t think he could be arsed to go through it. But people around me are saying it is in her benefit to know her bio dad. All I feel is resentful and protective.

OP posts:

00100001 · 20/06/2019 09:46

and then if you're comfortable after a while, you can then agree that you can all go out for tea and cake together in a cafe (or something) - or you will all go to the park for an hour.

so he can meet her under controlled circumstances, whilst fully supervised and you can get the lie of the land.

you have to consider this man a stranger to this child. You wouldn't (hopefully!) just leave your DD with the next door but one neighbour who you're on "hello" terms with, so I wouldn't expect him to have unsupervised contact any time soon...

LongWalkShortPlank · 20/06/2019 09:46

As above, I think you need to meet him a few times first to discuss and feel him out. I'd want to talk about how contact would work, overnights, major decisions, parental responsibility etc etc. Plus you can't just hand her over to a stranger. It's a process, that if you go down that route, will take time and effort on both of you. You'll need to be there a lot of the time when she's spending time with him at first. If you say no he could go to court anyway, so be careful what you do and say.

Owlbert · 20/06/2019 09:47

I would meet up with him first and chat about expectations vs reality, but as long as he is not abusive I think it would be good for your daughter to meet him and get to know him (build it up slowly). There is always the worry he may leave her life again but at least you will have tried for your daughter's sake.

Apolloanddaphne · 20/06/2019 09:48

I would arrange to meet him on your own. See how he presents. If he seems genuine and changed perhaps consider introducing some meetings. Even low level ones like you arrange to meet in a park and 'bump into' him there. The first time he can watch from a distance maybe working up to saying hello as a 'friend of mummy'. Take it very slowly. See if he can maintain your plan before going full out introducing him to her as her daddy.

00100001 · 20/06/2019 09:48

"But people around me are saying it is in her benefit to know her bio dad."

Not always the case! if the bio parent is a waste of space, abusive, manipulative, feckless, unreliable etc why would it be of any benefit for this person to be in the child's life, just because 5 years ago they provided a microscopic piece of themselves and now they've decided they want to make amends?

It's only beneficial if the bio-parent is going to be positive and consistent force in their life!

Original poster

Hp737 · 20/06/2019 09:51

I think I do need to meet him face to face.. is impossible to gauge if someone has changed or is genuine via an email. I guess I’m dreading it. I really loved him, was incredibly hurt by his treatment of me and went through major pre and post natal depression til she was well into toddler years. He says he isn’t “angry” at me anymore (oh lucky me right), but I think I am still angry at him and a part of me always will be. In the past like when I was pregnant or tried to contact him when she was born he was near impossible to communicate with, defensive and rude and uncaring. He’s been off doing his training for his career and now he is wondering what his 5 year old dd is like. It’s so hard to accept that he will always be her bio father and she will probably want access to him herself, she’s not asked about him yet, but I just don’t want to dredge up how shit he made me feel. We were doing just fine. And now I’m feeling really anxious about what this means for dd and me.

OP posts:

Sleephead1 · 20/06/2019 09:52

could you meet him and get to know him again first before making any decisions. I do believe he could of changed and if he was fairly young and having mental health issues that he is now having treatment for perhaps he has changed but I would tread carefully and slowly and insist on face to face conversations without your daughter present.

Original poster

Hp737 · 20/06/2019 09:53

I don’t want that to make it sound like I’m not over him or that this is about me.. but it feels like so many people have told me that basically my peace of mind and stability as a single parent are at the mercy of this unreliable person who has popped up. And that now I will probably find it very hard to get rid of him. I regret that he is her dad and I would like him to be gone for good tbh.. opting out when she is a baby then reappearing is just so irresponsible

OP posts:

Orlandointhewilderness · 20/06/2019 09:55

I find this very hard. DD8s 'father' has never wanted anything to do with us, told me to get an abortion and never saw me again. It was a short fling. He is a drug using arsehole who has sent me horrible messages in the past. If he turned around and said he wanted to see her the tbh I would have a real dilemma.
He did once (in a drunken 3am message) say he wanted to meet her. I told him that was completely fine, but I would expect him to see her a minimum of every couple of weeks until she was an adult, plus not drop off the face of the earth and actually be there for her. He sent me a message back saying it was probably best not too then.

stucknoue · 20/06/2019 09:55

I would say yes, but slowly and he needs to understand it needs to be regular (not necessarily frequent) and consistent eg once a month at first and the first time you need to be present. I would suggest you meeting him alone first to discuss rules. In the long term if it works out she get a father in her life, perhaps you get some time to yourself and financially you get help, but he can't just walk away once he gets to know her because it's no longer convenient

Orlandointhewilderness · 20/06/2019 09:57

Hang on - why would he be angry with you anyway?!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 20/06/2019 09:58

My friend went through this and it went to court. The court said he was to write regular letters before he could meet the child. He didn’t bother so still hasn’t seen him even though he’s now 25

There was dv and drug issues though but it might be an idea you could try to see if he is reliable and ready to put some effort in towards a future relationship with her

Original poster

Hp737 · 20/06/2019 10:00

@Orlandointhewilderness because he “didn’t get a say” when I was pregnant I.e. he didn’t get to make me have an abortion

OP posts:

Idontwanttotalk · 20/06/2019 10:02

I would meet up with him to talk about this. If he is undergoing counselling then maybe he is a new improved him. Give him the opportunity to see if he has changed. If you think he has then perhaps start by meeting up with him and taking your dd along to get her used to him.

I would however go through CMS to ensure your child maintenance is official.

I think, unless your ex is abusive, that you shouldn't stand in the way of him having a relationship with your dd. It may ultimately result in an access order but you need to think of your dd and what is in her best interests. As long as there are no safeguarding issues, It is better for a child to have both parents involved in their life.

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