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Original poster

To ask if I should let her meet bio father

62 replies

Hp737 · 20/06/2019 09:17

Please help me figure this out.
Long story short my dd (age 5) biological father who has never been in the picture and didn’t want anything to do with us has contacted me (I did previously attempt contact when she was born and when she was 1.5, he declined)
I still feel resentment and anger towards him but I know that soon dd will ask about her father and now he is saying he wants to make this right and help how he can (financially and also with contact if I agree).
I have read on here people saying they never met their bio dad and it has hurt them as people, I’ve read about people whose mums blocked access to their dads and how angry they were at their mums.
I guess what I want to know is do I agree to let him be in contact/be introduced to her (at a slow pace)? Is this in her best interest? Is it always in their best interest?
Please discuss and help Confused

OP posts:
HarryPottersSecretSister · 20/06/2019 10:02

I will never forgive my mother for not attempting to facilitate a relationship for me with my father when the opportunity presented itself - despite the fact he was a non maintenance paying, violent, alcoholic and narcissistic.
I feel I deserved the opportunity to meet him.
He died before I could. I still feel robbed.

If you arent worried about your daughter's safety around this man, you absolutely have to facilitate their relationship.
She'll eventually make up her own mind about him but allow her that opportunity.

RubberTreePlant · 20/06/2019 10:05

I think it's fair enough to want to meet him one on one for coffee, somewhere public, to gauge his sincerity, to ask for time to think and digest, or to seek counselling yourself first.Or any mixture of the three. You'd need time to slowly introduce the subject with her, even if you go ahead. Don't feel rushed by his sudden reappearance.

Even low level ones like you arrange to meet in a park and 'bump into' him there. The first time he can watch from a distance maybe working up to saying hello as a 'friend of mummy'. Take it very slowly

Please don't do that, whatever you do. Don't spring it in her or lie to her, or undermine her trust in her mum for the sake of some deadbeat who might not hang around.

swingofthings · 20/06/2019 10:08

She is only five, there is still an opportunity for them to bond and her to forget he wasn't around the first 5 years of her life. She deserves to be given the chance to have a father in her life. He will have to show he is genuinely committed to be so.

Orlandointhewilderness · 20/06/2019 10:10

Yep I had that Hp. Funny how it's our fault isn't it. I'd tread carefully here tbh.

MyOpinionIsValid · 20/06/2019 10:12

You are assuming, that having declined contact when she was ababy, that anything ould change later in life.

newmomof1 · 20/06/2019 10:13

I definitely agree that you should meet him alone first to gauge the real 'him' and whether he has changed.

If you are then satisfied that he's safe to be around DD, and won't disappear again, speak to her and ask if she would like to meet him.

She might not be interested and that's ok. Tell her that if she ever changes her mind thats ok too.
Don't push any of your feelings on to her. She might say she doesn't want to meet him in case it upsets you.

If she does want to meet him, take her somewhere where, if she changes her mind, he can leave and you can carry on the activity without making a scene. Maybe somewhere like an aquarium or zoo where it's easy to talk about all the animals/each of their favourite animals and little things like that to start building a bond.

He needs to be prepared to work with you and accept it'll be quite a while before he has unsupervised contact.

flamingjune123 · 20/06/2019 10:17

I'm in two minds. I have a GS a similar age and his father hasn't chosen to see him in 18 months. I've watched the little boy grieve and it's heartbreaking. He doesn't care that his father was an abusive, drug taking and probably personality disordered individual, all he knows is his little friends at school have a Dad and he thinks he doesn't. Once he gets a new gf I'm sure he'll remake contact as that seems to be his pattern and I'd imagine your ex will have a woman in tow he is attempting to impress with his compassionate and caring nature towards his child (!) I've asked my DD what she'll do when her ex makes contact again ( she knows he will) and she's in a similar quandary to you. I really really don't know what's best and wish I could be more helpful

katewhinesalot · 20/06/2019 10:17

I'd agree but would want to have a chat about the responsibilities of being a dad. Ie. Supporting your decisions, not being a Disney dad etc.

Desmondo2016 · 20/06/2019 10:23

I was thinking that yes, meeting him and taking it slowly was a good idea. But then I saw the comment about him not being angry with you any more and I would suggest he's probably the same cock now that he always was.

Meet him face to face, put him in his place about all the wrong things he did and see how he reacts to that. Then you'll be better placed to assess if he really does mean to make amends or if he's just had some whimsical idea about being a dad.

Lllot5 · 20/06/2019 10:33

I would insist that he pays the owed maintenance, not just pay from now on.
I’d go to meet him first, how does he know your email address btw.
Does he know where you live? Where your dd goes to school?
Make it difficult for him just to make sure how keen he really is.

llangennith · 20/06/2019 10:37

Why haven't you claimed maintenance for your DD? Contact the Child Maintenance Agency and get that sorted asap. Then when he starts paying maintenance you can decide whether he has contact with her.

Original poster
Hp737 · 20/06/2019 11:00

@llangennith I was discouraged by my family who said if I claimed CM/he started paying, he would be able to get joint custody of my child more easily, and for a long time I couldn’t face the vague threat having him in the background. He has never demonstrated any trustworthiness, empathy or responsibility.

OP posts:
justmyview · 20/06/2019 11:12

I would suggest you pursue this, but very slowly. Perhaps best to exchange emails with him first, and then meet face-to-face on your own

If you do decide to introduce him to DD, perhaps best for all three of you to meet briefly in a neutral place. Or else invite him to your house for coffee

If this goes smoothly, I would suggest any contact starts off very limited, with a view to slowly becoming more frequent/longer visits

Hard though it is, I do think you owe it to your DD to give her the opportunity to form a relationship with her father

Xmr1986 · 20/06/2019 11:15

When he has back paid. Yes. Until then, no.

I'd suspect he has a woman behind him pushing this tbh, or one he wants to impress.

PeevedNiamh · 20/06/2019 11:20

Please tread carefully. I was in exactly the same position 10 years ago and being the gullible idiot I am, I believe he'd changed and let him build a relationship with my son. My son love him and for two years they were very close... Then contact slowed down to the point where now he will not even answer the phone to my son. He just can't be bothered anymore. Occasionally he will remember Christmases or birthdays but not always and generally it has caused a lot of pain. Just take it slowly is my advice. I wish I had 😕

Original poster
Hp737 · 20/06/2019 11:20

He has said he can’t back pay- he is self employed and only just earns over tax threshold. I know exactly what his job is (outing but I’ll say it’s in entertainment industry) and believe he does have no savings or income stability. Do CMS claim backdated support?

OP posts:
PeevedNiamh · 20/06/2019 11:21

Oh and what Xmr1986 said could well be the case. I suspect that's exactly what happened with my sons biological father.

HumpHumpWhale · 20/06/2019 11:21

This sounds dreadful, you poor thing. My first instinct would be to tell him to fuck off, but imagine your daughter at 16 asking why she doesn't see her dad, and having to tell her he wanted to but you didn't agree. No matter how good your reasons are, she'll feel betrayed. I think for her sake, you have to try to help her have a relationship with him. Shit though it is for you.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/06/2019 11:30

I think the backdating of payments only start from the date you actually make the claim, may have changed though.

I think I'd reply:

'You're not angry at me any more? That's big of you, given that your behaviour was absolutely reprehensible and the last right you had on earth was to be angry at me for anything. I think that's the very first thing I'd have chosen not to say - something that once again highlights how much your thinking really is all about you.

I think if I were you I would think very carefully about what you're suggesting, as dipping in and out of a child's life isn't an option. Neither is picking and choosing the level of contact you'd like to indulge yourself with. Neither is thinking you can waltz in after five years and start acting as if you have any rights whatsoever in my life, my parenting, my choices and my decisions regarding a child you chose to walk away from. Responsibilities yes, rights no. I'd maybe think a bit harder about what you really want long term, and contact me again in a few months time. Oh and there will be no 'informal' maintenance - any arrangement won't be yours to control and we will go through official channels only.'

beanaseireann · 20/06/2019 11:30

HarryPottersSecretSister
Perhaps you weren't robbed by not meeting your bio dad. Perhaps you had a lucky escape ?

Bluerussian · 20/06/2019 11:36

Get to know the man again, gradually. You may find he is different to how he was when you were pregnant, people do change. It sounds good that he now wants to take responsibility so, if you feel comfortable with him, give him a chance.

Good luck.

nespressowoo · 20/06/2019 11:37

Hi OP.

I didn't meet my bio-dad until I was 30. And honestly, as nice a bloke he is, I wish I hadn't. It's opened up a can of worms I wish I hadn't. My mum is a bit narcissistic and made my life hell when I decided to meet him. He lives in another country and I can honestly say I haven't gained anything by getting to know him. I wish I could turn the clock back. I wish he had fought for me when I was younger, not for custody but to be in my life.

Tread carefully.

Original poster
Hp737 · 20/06/2019 11:42

@nespressowoo what do you mean can of worms? Because of something he said/did/was or just because of your mums reaction? Had he previously reached out at all to you or your mum or did you track him down?

OP posts:
nespressowoo · 20/06/2019 12:02

Can of worms as in meeting his dad who is very frail and elderly, I feel now I'm in touch I have to maintain it because I initiated contact. There are lots of reasons I wished I'd never bothered, he doesn't bother unless it's his wife pushing him to make contact. I still feel he can't be bothered like when I grew up. It has left me quite emotionally confused at times.

I made contact because I'd just turned 30 and my DS was not long born and I felt I 'should' meet him. I'm his only child.

Putting my mum aside, when growing up I didn't really feel I'd missed out. I'd had a couple of stepdads, the one my mum has been married to for years now has been an amazing man and how he puts up with my mum I have no idea, he is a saint.

My mum has done an excellent job of raising me, although she does have her issues. In no way am I saying you have them, you sound very grounded. Your daughter may not need her bio-dad, you may be all she needs.

I feel itched an itch that didn't really need itching.

I hope I've made sense.

HarryPottersSecretSister · 20/06/2019 12:05

Oh highly likely Beanaseireann !! I think you could be right.
He was not a nice man at all - by anyone's standards and yet, as irrational as it may be, I'm still sad about it.
I would have just liked to have had the opportunity to decide if I would have liked a relationship with him or not. It should have been my choice (as I later learned he was very open to it)

The OP sounds like a wonderful mother. I wouldn't like her daughter to hold any resentment towards her in years to come.
It's unfortunate that her dad is (or has been) a dickhead but he is her dad and she has a right to a relationship with him.

It can go a few different ways:
Dad meets daughter, he has actually changed. He tries his hardest. Things work out and they have a good relationship.

Dad meets daughter, novelty wears off. He disappears for another 5 years or so (or permanently).
Daughter is upset, thinks/ knows dad is a dickhead. Has seen so for herself.

Mother does not allow the dad to meet his daughter. No relationship facilitated. Daughter grows up and never has had a relationship with her own father. Might deep down know (from things shes heard that father is not brilliant), is likely to blame mother (despite dad being a dick) as she did not see what he was like for herself/ creates wonderful fantasy image of him. Mother (with daughters best interest at heart) robbed her.

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