To ask if I should let her meet bio father

[Hp737]

Please help me figure this out.
Long story short my dd (age 5) biological father who has never been in the picture and didn’t want anything to do with us has contacted me (I did previously attempt contact when she was born and when she was 1.5, he declined)
I still feel resentment and anger towards him but I know that soon dd will ask about her father and now he is saying he wants to make this right and help how he can (financially and also with contact if I agree).
I have read on here people saying they never met their bio dad and it has hurt them as people, I’ve read about people whose mums blocked access to their dads and how angry they were at their mums.
I guess what I want to know is do I agree to let him be in contact/be introduced to her (at a slow pace)? Is this in her best interest? Is it always in their best interest?
Please discuss and help

@nespressowoo yes Thankyou. That does help.
That’s it really. Is it something she needs? He’s a man who was never really going to be a great partner, certainly wasn’t up to fatherhood back then and he made that very clear in a not very nice way. For his age (30) he is immature, lives at home and has no stable job, and intends to make a living out of his very unstable and famously un-lucrative career, which up to now has been his priority. I don’t know exactly what he would bring to dd life except added worry for me because in my experience mental health issues of his type don’t just go away easily and his initial message almost bestowing his “forgiveness” on me for not having an abortion shows how un-self aware he still is.
I just feel like this is some agenda on his part. He contacted me on Facebook and I checked out his profile. His current gf is in some kind of feminist performance group and with my cynical hat on it seems like having a deadbeat dad for a boyfriend wouldn’t fit with that culture they are part of. But it doesn’t take away what he’s done and the fact that he is still thinking in terms of regret/what I should have done (abortion), not basically jsut massively trying to prove that he really is remorseful and should be a part of her life
I know I’m rambling but this has rocked me a bit.

Oh and OP, I did get back in touch with my dad after my son was born in 2010.
Salvation Army tracked him down for me.
We wrote a few letters to each other (he lives in a different country to me), had a good few phone calls.
I didnt really like him.
We fell out on a call one night over something ridiculous (he was an alcoholic and was drunk and wasnt been very unreasonable). We didnt talk for 4 months. I got a call to say he was dying, tried to get over to meet him once before he passed away but he died while I was on the plane.

^^ an alcoholic dickhead.
and yet, I was still so sad I never got to speak to him face to face as for 25 years, my mother cut contact with him on my behalf. I felt it was just way too late for us at that point.
I know a relationship wouldnt have worked out between us but I would have liked the choice.
I also have half sibling I have never met (and never will) as a result of this cut contact (and I am an only child who would love siblings) - possibly another thing to factor in when considering all of this...

@Hp737 I understand your parents' reasoning: forget maintenance to keep him away, but custody hearings and maintenance claims are entirely separate. What your family feared has happened, he's back on the scene. Now go for maintenance through the appropriate agency. You do not need to discuss anything with him.

One thing I will just say OP, a bit off topic I know, is to make sure you make a will and detail who will get custody if anything happens to you. In the event of your death, or even in a coma, any DC will be automatically placed into the care system, even if it is just for a few weeks until custody is granted. Having a will prevents this.
Bit morbid but essential. I did mine with Sills and Betteridge and it cost £180. money well spent.

Tell him that he needs to prove he is serious by restarting payments for his daughter, and by agreeing to communicate using Our Family Wizard - an email service that is monitored as needed by social services, legal representatives etc. This costs money to be part of.

If he isn't willing to pay for that - bollocks to him. He's not serious and is using this as a means to control you, or to find new supply (your daughter). Tell him to keep in touch and you will inform your daughter of him when she is old enough to make her own decision.

I think the advice from PPs to meet him prior to any decision regarding contact is sound. If you think anything positive comes from that tell him you need a further meeting which his gf is included in, as her having a relationship with your DD is a separate, serious matter that needs to be taken into account. If he's just acting the caring dad to impress her or others there should be evidence of this during the meeting - it also gives you the opportunity to give the true facts of your history in the course of the conversations which he may have conveniently not mentioned to her.
Has your DD expressed any curiosity about her dad so far? Her little 5yo worldview could be about to undergo a major upheaval & I totally agree that you can't put too many safeguards in place to protect her well-being.

I think you should meet him before as well. Perhaps the introduction should be slow, and he doesn’t tell her he’s your daughter’s father until he has proven his stability, I mean that he will stick around.

As PPs have said, this is about what's in your DD's best interests.

Firstly, it's in her best interests for him to pay you child maintenance, because even if you don't need it, you could put it into a savings account in her name. So accept his offer to pay maintenance. If it's a conditional offer only (ie he thinks his child is "pay per view") you'll have to go through CMS, but bear in mind that it can be easy for self-employed people to avoid paying.

Secondly, is it in her best interests to have contact with a "father" like this?
"He has never demonstrated any trustworthiness, empathy or responsibility."
I don't think so, personally, but I can understand the desire to give him a chance.

Luckily he has no legal right to any contact atm, because he's not on the birth certificate so he doesn't have parental responsibility. He could apply to the court to get it but I don't know how likely he is to a. bother and b. succeed, based on showing zero interest until now.

You could meet up with him, see if he is willing to meet you a few times first - will he stick to it or will he lose interest when he doesn't get what he wants immediately? If he does stick to it and seems to be respectful towards you and DD's needs, perhaps the next stage would be for him to have communication (but not face to face contact) with her, eg he could write her a letter, you could see if she wants to write back (she doesn't have to!) and if he is consistent enough to write to her regularly, then maybe they could meet but it would obviously need to be supervised contact.

If I had to bet I'd say he won't get that far, he'll get frustrated and revert to his usual dickhead self.

I'd ask him what value he feels he can bring to her life?

Love? Stability? Reliability?

I know she has a right to know him, but if he can not guarantee consistency in her life, then he should stay away.

Lots of talk to demand backpay before he sees her. It's really not about the money. He could have been paying all these years and never met her.

It's about his intentions with regards to a relationship with DD.

Meet a few times on your own. Ask him questions....ascertain what he has learned from therapy. It's easy to say "I've had therapy" ... find out why now?

You're entitled to ask all the questions you want to try and protect your DD.

You sound wonderful OP. Your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mum

A dead or absent parent is way better for a child than a bad one.

Don't let anyone make you feel responsible for introducing your DD to bioDF - his inadequacies are not your fault. And never could be.

Having said that, you are in charge, whether you like it or not. I'd meet him now and make clear that whatever happens you're acting only in DD's interests. Happy families is all very well in theory, but sometimes it's better not to get enmeshed.

He's not going to pay CM if he's an actor living off his parents. Or go for residency.

Why does he want to see her?