i dont want to open the whole SAHM/WAHM debate but im torn

[lucyellensmum]

If this turns into a feminist debate i'll flounce, i swear i will..so don't be bloody hijacking my thread unless you have some constructive advice.

Right, heres the thing - i chose not to work when i had DD, i had just finished my Phd and i still had to write it up, which i did, betweeen breastfeeding and nappy changing. Now we are seriously broke, DD is 2 and i still feel that i can't bear to leave her with strangers all day. I do have a part time job (one afternoon a week at the local vets) but this in no way utilises my skills and the pay is rubbish. My mum looks after DD during this time but she couldnt do it more, she is 73. My partner is trying to establish a business and its not going too well, he is a carpenter. We are really struggling.

I feel really guilty about not working but i desperately want to be at home for my little girl for a bit longer. It is looking, however, like i will have to start looking. The SAHM thing isnt the only obstacle though. My line of work is specialised and i can't see a job happening out tof the blue, especially as we can't up sticks and travel etc and commuting isnt really an option. So, there is all that to consider too.

So, this is what i want - I would like to hear peoples experiences with returning back to work, positive and negative and where would be a good place to start looking for GOOD childcare. It doesnt matter if it is expensive, i will be able to earn a reasonable wage. I don't want a nanny.

What i DO NOT want is this to degenerate into a debate over SAHMs, i know my opinions and i don't need to be lectured too.

I think my decision would have been much easier if i were working when DD was born as i would have probably taken maternity leave and taht would have been it, but that way DD would have become accustomed to childcare, now it is a whole different thing as she is used to having her mummy all day and daddy even sometimes. The other alternative is for daddy to be SAHD, he is happy to do this but i really want him to give the business his best shot as we keep putting it off and he is not happy working for other people.

Alternatively, if anyone has any good ideas for working from home (not envelope stuffing or anything like that) then i would appreciate hearing about that. I have sent for an application form to do exam marking but my teaching experience is limited.

So, please, any ideas, or winning lottery tickets would be much appreciated. The wolf is at the door, and his teeth look sharp [shudder}

My son has done 2 days a week at nursery his whole life and has loved it - and we've learnt a lot about him that I would never had known (eg how shy he is when Mum & Dad aren't around; how he interacts when everyone is asked to do the same task, and so on). All really valuable to us.

A compromise might be freelance research for the large biotech companies? Why not approach them and ask? That would be working from home on contract/part-time basis, so you could combine with a limited amount of nursery provision...

Have you thought about applying for a Postdoctoral fellowship that would allow you to establish your research career? The EPSRC offers these to physical scientists. Your equivalent research council may offer something similar.

I too have a PhD (chemistry) and I have worked part-time since my twins were born 3yo. They have been going to nursery 3 days a week since they were 7 months old and they have thrived. They love the place so much that when we arrive, they run in and don't look back. They don't even kiss me goodbye(lol).

yes have thought of post docs and am waiting for my old supervisor to pull his finger out of his backside and write a grant for a pilot project based on my PhD project. There are a few other labs in the department i would like to work in so may approach them. I am actually not sure i want to stay doing this research although it would certainly be of interest and keep the wolf from the door, but you know how slow these can be.

I need to do something quite urgently actually, have considered selling my body (only joking really) but things are getting quite desperate and i am cross with myself for sticking my head in the sand for so long.

Have spoken to a friend about the nursery i am visiting and she said she has heard bad reports, oh dear

okay - a bit of a stretch...but would u consider doing a pcge for a year? I asusming they still do the £6000 for training? so that way u get another qwualification and some money and the uni will porb have a creche so dd is close at hand.

(also u can prob do some teahcign assistant work pt on the wya.)

also if u work pt make sure u r claiming wt credits etc...

Lucy, when I was doing my PhD, I supplemented my grant with lecturing in a local college. I was paid for each session I tutored so I could do as many hours as I liked. Also, what about private tuition? I use to tutor in GCSE Maths, Chemistry, Physics, Biology and A'level Chemistry. Made so much money that it paid for my month travel across the USA.

For immediate money, cleaning is worth considering. My cousin is studying computing and she fits cleaning jobs around her studies. Some months she clears £900 after tax.

Also, working in a care home can be flexible too.

Good luck!

Lucy, check out this website that specialises in academic posts. There are over 500 entries under Biological sciences.

Hi L, just picked this one up.

I know someone who was in a really similar situation, and dh wanted to start a business, and it worked - he did the business, she went to work full time (pretty much), earned most of the income.

If dh is happy to stay at home, let him!

What they did do is use all the technology god sends to keep updated with each others' timetables etc (2 kids at school), and good communication.

thanks speedymama, will have a look when i get home

Hi LEM. I haven't had time to read the whole thread but wanted to reassure you about the speech delay. My DS is deaf and has a cochlear implant now. When he was at nursery he wore hearing aids. The nursery were fantastic with him and, although it undersatndably took him longer to catch up with speech, this really was no obstacle for him enjoying nursery and having lots of friends. He has a very outgoing personality and the nursery just used that aspect of him and saw him as a child first. The knowledge that my DS was not negatively affected by his time at nursery or my working makes me proud and sure of my choices.

For jobs in academia www.jobs.ac.uk is a good starting point.

you lot are lovely you are

i think you need to do some visits to nurseries and childminders, asap. You just can't know what you'll cope with until you are faced with it. I took ds for our visit to my workplace nursery when I had to go back when he was about 8 months and I had the most gut wrenching, visceral reaction, I could not have left him there. I got a weekend job to as you say, keep the wolf from the door.

i just wanted to say that it's up to you if you want to 'fudge things' a bit while your child is so young. Don't feel you have to create a career at this point; in no more than two years your child will be at school all day every day and this time will be over. If you can get weekend or evening work so that your dh could be with her, then that's a possibility just for a while.....I'm professionally qualified but since DS have worked in Marks and Sparks, the local museum on a weekend....lots of diddly jobs. Now that Ds is at school I am back in 'career' zone and have got a job at service manager level; it's done me no harm at all to have this break and it meant that I could be with ds (mostly) which I can tell is something you desperately want.

However if you do have to work and leave her in some form of daycare the most helpful thing I can tell you is do not agonise about her every feeling. You HAVE to hand that over. You can't do anything about it while you're not there, and you'll go mad if you allow yourself to go there; I think you have to harden yourself to it.

Hi, I've only read the initial post so apologies if its been said.

You sound like from your post that you REALLY want to stay at home right now so the only advice I would give is to try to do that as much as possible.

Increase time at vets, find another very part time job, for example like an LSA in a school which has a creche attached.

In general find something with a creche attached so you can pop down in breaks.

Make sure your claiming tax credits or anything else you might be entitled to.

It all depends on the job and how honest you are up front. I worked for a huge WW children's toy company when i got pregnant and when i went bakc to work part time, they did everything they could to get rid of me (and every other PT mum) and they succeeded. In hindsight, it was the best thing that could have happened.

I got a better job straight away, nearer to home, more money. I was extremely up front with them from interview stage and told them that my life and goals had changed and the most important factor was my family. i would do set hours and in urgent extreme circumstances would work late or on one of my 'days off'.

and it's great. I've been promoted after only 18 months and received two awards (monetary!!) for outstanding achievement. there is no way i could have done this at my previous company no matter how hard i worked - it's all about attitude.

And i work for an IT company....

As for my DD - it was so good for her too. she has some time with childminder and also nursery. she loves it. she's confident, happy, sociable and does things that she jsut wouldn't do with me.

give it a go

annie, i feel as mothers we cant win, i have been made to feel bad on here for being a SAHM in the past and defended my choice robustly. I hope in my defence of this i have never mad a WOHM feel bad as i never intended to. But yes, i daresay the criticism will hit home harder this time.

Why not a nanny? I think a good nanny can be fabulous. If you keep your options flexible at this point, It will be easier for you I think.

no, a nanny is out of the q, i couldnt have someone else in my house. I would find it weird. besides, she would have to sleep in the shed, we are like sardines as it is

What about a day time nanny which is what we had (never had a spare room for al ive in one).

Am also returning back to work, as also have wolves at the back door! My ds2 is 3, and has been at pre-school 2 mornings a week. I went back to work when my other two were both 2, 3 mornings a week. Am in the process of finishing degree in child psychology, also work as child counsellor, so here is the info I have gleaned through research and experience. I wanted actual facts about what would be good/bad for my LO's! Staying at home for the first year (which you have done) is of enormous benefit to your child and should be achieved wherever possible, so pat on the back already!
The deterimental affects of childcare are generally seen in children who a) go into childcare under 1 year, b) are in poor quality child care and c) spend more than 20 hours a week in childcare.
So, these are the reserach facts, I know other people may have really different experiences and other ways which have worked for them too . But hope this helps!

ALSO, sorry, ran out of room with essay, good nurseries tend to come up as best all round, though of course different people etc etc. Is also found to be best to work eg four mornings rather than 2 days, as full day can be stressful for LO.

Sorry have not read whole thread but could you do private tutoring for school children (from home)? Can you do maths as well as biology? If you did it an hour or two at a time, could you mum manage for just that small bit of time? Alternatively, could you tell your supervisor/research group that you are looking for something to do at home? Might they have anything you could go through/sort out or anything like that? They'll be in contact with other research groups at the university, maybe some of them would need something doing, checking stuff maybe? Could you get a job in proof reading things with a technical content? Books that uni people write??????? I am out of ideas, sorry! Maybe you could eBay some stuff to feed that nasty wolf in the short term? I eBay everything in sight!!!! The day my LO grows out of shoes, I eBay them .

I prefer care in their own home my one carer to nurseries and also if they're sick you can carry on working as they stay home. Also if you have a whole load of children one after the other a nanny is cheapest option, economies of scale.

pasting this here too - any thoughts - anyone?

xenia, you mentioned a day time nanny in my other thread. Is there a difference between this and a CM. My problem with a CM (and i could be wrong here) is it seems that the children fit into their day, so they still have to clean their houses, care for their own children etc. If i leave my child with someone i (perhaps niavely) want them to be occupying and attending to my child ALL of the time. Yes, i know i dont do that, but it is different surely, if mummy is not around. Of cousre i do realise that self directed play is useful etc. I feel very strongly about this, which is why i'm pulled more in the direction of nursery, but of course there are other children there (a good thing) so DD wouldnt get 100% carer attention here either. Is it reasonable to expect it to be differnt with a nanny coming into my house - i wouldnt expect her to clean, other than cleaning up after lunch, snacks etc but that could simply be stuffing the stuff in the dishwasher and i can sort the rest out. But of course, the most important thing being - how much does it cost?? My mum cares for DD when i do my part time job but couldnt ask her to do more as she is quite old and not in the best of health.
By lucyellensmum on Sun 29-Jul-07 13:07

It's whatever someone will do the job for, subject to the minimum wage law and depends where you live in the country. Pure market forces. Look at what people pay locally. Some areas have lots of people looking for work and others don't. For three under 4 which we had at one point it was much cheaper than 3 nursery places.