i dont want to open the whole SAHM/WAHM debate but im torn

[lucyellensmum]

If this turns into a feminist debate i'll flounce, i swear i will..so don't be bloody hijacking my thread unless you have some constructive advice.

Right, heres the thing - i chose not to work when i had DD, i had just finished my Phd and i still had to write it up, which i did, betweeen breastfeeding and nappy changing. Now we are seriously broke, DD is 2 and i still feel that i can't bear to leave her with strangers all day. I do have a part time job (one afternoon a week at the local vets) but this in no way utilises my skills and the pay is rubbish. My mum looks after DD during this time but she couldnt do it more, she is 73. My partner is trying to establish a business and its not going too well, he is a carpenter. We are really struggling.

I feel really guilty about not working but i desperately want to be at home for my little girl for a bit longer. It is looking, however, like i will have to start looking. The SAHM thing isnt the only obstacle though. My line of work is specialised and i can't see a job happening out tof the blue, especially as we can't up sticks and travel etc and commuting isnt really an option. So, there is all that to consider too.

So, this is what i want - I would like to hear peoples experiences with returning back to work, positive and negative and where would be a good place to start looking for GOOD childcare. It doesnt matter if it is expensive, i will be able to earn a reasonable wage. I don't want a nanny.

What i DO NOT want is this to degenerate into a debate over SAHMs, i know my opinions and i don't need to be lectured too.

I think my decision would have been much easier if i were working when DD was born as i would have probably taken maternity leave and taht would have been it, but that way DD would have become accustomed to childcare, now it is a whole different thing as she is used to having her mummy all day and daddy even sometimes. The other alternative is for daddy to be SAHD, he is happy to do this but i really want him to give the business his best shot as we keep putting it off and he is not happy working for other people.

Alternatively, if anyone has any good ideas for working from home (not envelope stuffing or anything like that) then i would appreciate hearing about that. I have sent for an application form to do exam marking but my teaching experience is limited.

So, please, any ideas, or winning lottery tickets would be much appreciated. The wolf is at the door, and his teeth look sharp [shudder}

Just read your last post LEM - mention your dd's speech probs when you visit nurseries and see what sort of response you get - this will be a big factor in where you choose. But shouldn't put you off her going either as they will probably be experienced at looking after children with all sorts of problems.

Twinkie1 that is exactly the reason I chose a nursery over a childminder!!!

gess - a 2nd PhD, um, well done but really, are you stark staring mad woman ??? . At my graduation the other week the fitter for the gowns said to me, is this your first PhD (im a mature student so to speak) and i looked at him like he were mad and said, yes, and my last!!!! So well done you for doing it again (still think your barking though - just teasing). Is it with regards to SN by the way (read so many of your other posts btw)

I keep making my DP really worried and saying that id quite like to do an engineering degree as this is probably the road i should have taken in the first place but didnt because of some dodgy careers advice. But i really couldnt take the pressure over again.

Right, this isnt going to feed the man - i'm off.

Oh I did look at a childminder but she was so obese she would not have been able to catch Ds if he ran off she had trouble walking - that was another issue too!

Am not sure you are going to get much in the way of constructive advice other than suggestions revolving around teaching which seems to be the only career in the world that fits in well with having children. It's not especially wellpaid though.

Just posted to say I am sorry about the sharpness of the wolf's teeth. We get wealthier as we get older but we could really do with having a bit of dosh when we are younger.

Hi LEM, I work from home three days a week - I'm self-employed. DS goes to a childminder on those days and loves it. She has a big family and other kids are there as well, so nice and social. We are all very happy with this arrangement. Feel like the balance is well and truly sorted.

One proviso just in case you were considering it - it is very, very difficult, if not impossible, to work from home without childcare if your kids aren't of school age. I did it for the first year of DS's life and it was absolutely miserable - you feel like you're doing two things badly rather than one thing well.

me too (re childminder)
also i know if it's just one person i would start finding faults etc...

both mine are at nursery. they seem to love it and i've been v happy with my decision.

No, dh isn't called Dave

Regarding the speech delay, there is a little girl who has speech delay at dd's nursery and she doesn't seem to have any problems, she is as popular and playful as all the other children. Only difference was they kept her in the toddler room for a bit longer (about 6 months iirc) than they would otherwise have done so she was with her peers speech-wise iysiwm. Talking to the little girl's mum she was happy with the arrangement as she went up with dd amongst others when they all turned three. There is a SENCo at our nursery, perhaps you could choose one that has similar provision?

Both DH an I work p/t (me out of the home, him at home) as DS goes to a childminder 2 days a week. Works well for us . I wouldn;t rule out a cm TBH, I see it as a Good Thing that DS is looked after by one person he knows and likes. Also the nurseries around here are oversubscribed and not that parent-friendly as it's a seller's market IYSWIM.

Also, DS has come on really quickly since starting at the cm's - speech especially - I think because of interacting with older children (they spend a lot of time at playgroups and she minds a couple of older children). He has got louder as well (wince)

I work part time (3 days per week) and find it easier to do full days rather than more short days - when I'm at home, I'm completely at home. It is daunting to think of leaving your child with strangers but hopefully they won't be strangers for long - we spent a long time being very picky about nursery for ours and we have been with them for a long time now and there staff turnover is particularly low so for us they are a surrogate family in times of childcare crisis, for example, given we don't have relatives nearby.

You might even find that you like working once you're into it - I like the balance it gives to me and thus to the family dynamic. Hope you find something soon.

Just read the other posts now .

We did nursery over CM to avoid both the intensity of relationship and the safety net thing of having more than one adult around.

Is yours a research intensive university? A significant number of our appointments are research only meaning that there is a need for appropriately qualified people to pick up teaching loads (great hours potential) - could you explore?

One of my small relatives had delayed speech which improved significantly once she went to playgroup and started socialising with other children - it may be a pleasant bonus!

i work fulltime and DS is in nursery full time and has been since he was 6 months old
the nursery is great - if this is the option you are going to go for, then visit now to get your DD on the waiting list
Personally, i like the nursery environment for DS and do does he
Ring your local council for a list of approved childcare providers

work you can do from home:
admin - typing up student essays/PHDs etc

LEM - I work full time, my dt's have been at nursery since 5 months old so i guess my situation is completely diff. I work because i have to, but also because i would have gone mad spending 24x7 with my two, so it worked out well.

What made me post was the speech delay thing - has she been seen by anyone? I only ask because my son (DT2 11 weeks prem blah blah), was diagnosed with glue ear. This was only picked up cos he was being seen regularly by his paed due to being early. He was behind his bro as regards his speech but we thought his bro was advanced so thought nothing of it, then eventually few months ago he had grommets fitted.....the difference is amazing! He does not shut up. Honestly it just happened one day....."mummy, what you doing?" "mummy, whats that?" "mummy can i have tuna pasta please".

I think glue ear is missed in lots of kids cos they appear to hear you, but if it's muffled they will not be picking up how words sound.

Just an idea - oh and nursery has really brought dt2 out of his shell. (he 2.8 now btw)

My dd (21 months) loves nursery. She has been going for 9 months now and I think she loves it so much because she gets to play all day. The one downside it that they won't take her if she is ill. Obviously if she is unwell I want to be the one to comfort her. However recurring bouts of conjuntivitus have meant that I have taken time off work to look after when she hasn't actually been ill.

No advice re a job I'm afraid but just wanted to post about nurseries. DD1 started at a Montessori nursery when she was 9 months old, when I was supposed to be going back to work. I didn't go back in the end (long story involving lawyers ) but by the time everything was sorted out, I found out I was pregnant with twins, so she stayed there 2.5 days a week.

I could never have left her in nursery had I not been absolutely convinced that she was really happy there. When I was exhausted from being pregnant with twins and then from looking after 2 new borns, she was still having fun and being stimulated in ways I just couldn't manage at the time. She is an intelligent little girl with very mature speech and I'm sure that is partly down to the nursery environment. I always felt that she was loved by the staff and extremely well cared for. The day she left (when we moved house) I cried buckets...she didn't really understand what was going on.

Equally though, I have a friend who is a childminder, who has looked after both DD1 and friends' children and to them she is their second mum, in no way replacing their real mother, but just someone who looks after them like mummy sometimes. If she had wanted more work, I would have been delighted for DD1 to be looked after by her.

So I would say, don't set your sights on one or the other option, but get a list from your local authority of nurseries and childminders and check out some that sound good and then you will be armed with all the facts. Whereabouts in the country are you? You might get recommendations from another MNer about a nursery in your area.

lol Lucyellensmum...well, I suppose seeing that you don't want a nanny nor like teh idea of a chldminder...Nursery it is!
Children socialise completely differently if their main career isn't there and possibly sending you dd to a Nursery would even help her speech developement...I know my ys really has come on in leaps and bounces since he started nursery when he turned 2. And dispite him being a rather sensitive and clingy child towards me, I have actually found that he has really changed for teh better since starting Nursery.
No idea really what sort of Job you could take, no idea of the exact field...however, lol, I had to lol at the fruit fly thing....sorry, not belittling you, it's jsut never occured to me that people would study such creature in such detail ;)

Lucyellensmum, what did yuo want to be when you grew up
Why did you do your pHd, where was it going to take you ?
I ask, only being cheeky, becasue I did not know. I did my Russian BA and MA with no idea where it was taking me.
I always worked, since age 14. Doing waitressing, then bar, then I ran pubs and hotels. And I always did accounts.
Finally I started my ICAEW, and wished I had had more direction when I was younger - i.e. started the accountancy at 16 or 17.You are clearly very bright. You need some very good career advice, to utilise all your skills and take you in adirection that will make you happy.
Your daughter is only 2 now, but next year she will start nursery. And before you know it she will be at school. You will work at some point. So make sure you choose the right direction now. Seems a shame to waste all those brain cells of yours !

I know it's a separate issue but I don't understand that attitude to childminders. Small children - and big - benefit from close attachments with carers. If you can't be there to look after your child, why on earth would you not want close attachemnts to form in the 8+ hours you're not there.

(I've used nurseries and childminers btw)

just read anniemac's post - much better put than me

I used to feel like ds was having an affair with another mother. He would learn things at "school" and come home and repeat them just like one hears tell of men repeating sexual techniques learnt with "the other woman" at home

OK, this might sound as though I'm pushing something but I work for a company called The Pampered Chef - it's an American cookware company. I do cookery demonstrations and parties in people's houses, village halls etc - anywhere, really! The absolute beauty of it is its flexibility. I effectively run my own business - I can do one show a month or 10, as I can fit it in around my two small children. I desparately didn't want to go back to any job that would mean my kids going to one of those god-awful daycare centres and any decent childminder would take most of my wages, so this job suits me brilliantly as I can work when either my dh or other family can look after my children. And the money is really good. I love it so much that what started out as a hobby has now become my 'proper job'and a way to pay my ds's school fees.

So don't think you have to stick with a 9 - 5 office job.

i LOVE the fact my boys are comfy enough with other people/friends/family members that I can leave them when I need to and have a BREAK! I think that was all down to doing it from an early age. We have no family locally so I needed to know if we used friends as baby sitters they wouldn't kick off if we wanted one night out occasionally.

They still went through seperation anxiety, I still have the occasional morning when I need to prize them off with a crow bar before i go to work, but i know seconds after i leave they will be fine. I honestly never had the 'I can't bear to leave my kids' syndrome....the first day i dropped them off i walked away grinning from ear to ear (was a bit of a crazed grin and i had a slight twitch in my left eye, but the pills soon calmed that down)