i dont want to open the whole SAHM/WAHM debate but im torn

[lucyellensmum]

If this turns into a feminist debate i'll flounce, i swear i will..so don't be bloody hijacking my thread unless you have some constructive advice.

Right, heres the thing - i chose not to work when i had DD, i had just finished my Phd and i still had to write it up, which i did, betweeen breastfeeding and nappy changing. Now we are seriously broke, DD is 2 and i still feel that i can't bear to leave her with strangers all day. I do have a part time job (one afternoon a week at the local vets) but this in no way utilises my skills and the pay is rubbish. My mum looks after DD during this time but she couldnt do it more, she is 73. My partner is trying to establish a business and its not going too well, he is a carpenter. We are really struggling.

I feel really guilty about not working but i desperately want to be at home for my little girl for a bit longer. It is looking, however, like i will have to start looking. The SAHM thing isnt the only obstacle though. My line of work is specialised and i can't see a job happening out tof the blue, especially as we can't up sticks and travel etc and commuting isnt really an option. So, there is all that to consider too.

So, this is what i want - I would like to hear peoples experiences with returning back to work, positive and negative and where would be a good place to start looking for GOOD childcare. It doesnt matter if it is expensive, i will be able to earn a reasonable wage. I don't want a nanny.

What i DO NOT want is this to degenerate into a debate over SAHMs, i know my opinions and i don't need to be lectured too.

I think my decision would have been much easier if i were working when DD was born as i would have probably taken maternity leave and taht would have been it, but that way DD would have become accustomed to childcare, now it is a whole different thing as she is used to having her mummy all day and daddy even sometimes. The other alternative is for daddy to be SAHD, he is happy to do this but i really want him to give the business his best shot as we keep putting it off and he is not happy working for other people.

Alternatively, if anyone has any good ideas for working from home (not envelope stuffing or anything like that) then i would appreciate hearing about that. I have sent for an application form to do exam marking but my teaching experience is limited.

So, please, any ideas, or winning lottery tickets would be much appreciated. The wolf is at the door, and his teeth look sharp [shudder}

gosh witch, that's bizarre

do you think so pointy. Didn't you feel "its my job to tell you that cows go moo"

I havent had chance to read all posts so sorry if i repeat. Can you not find evening work? Maybe then you can still be sahm during the day and hubby can watch dd in the evenings without having to give up his carer?
When dd was born I hated working 5 days a week so quit, which wasnt best plan but couldnt put me or dd though anymore. I managed to find a job 2 days a week, and work were pretty flexible about what days (social services). My mum had dd until she was 2, but then she began to get bored We looked into private nursery and found one we were happy with and shes been there ever since
Im pregnant again but wont be returning to my old job. They werent able to be as flexible about term times as my dd starts school in Sept. Now my dh works 9-5 (he was shifted before) Im going to do evening work so i can be here for both children all day

I hope you work it out, and im sure your dd will settle easier than you will to the chance.
Good luck
lisa

No I didn't feel that, witch

can't let them go but try to deal with them by trying to laugh about it hence the naughty husband analogy

"ive always balked at the childminder thing custy, i am sooo bloody jealous i dont think i could bear her to form a relationship with another woman (see how selfish i am!!!)."

I understand why you may have reservations about your daughter 'forming a relationship with another woman' but having employed nannies for the last 5 years, I can say that my DCs have somehow contrived to enjoy the security, attention and love of a 'surrogate mother' whilst I'm at work without ever being confused about who their mother is and without any impact on the closeness of our bond.

My take on this is that if children have a secure bond with their parent(s), then forming a bond with another adult merely exercises their bond-making skills.

woudl agree that personal recommendation imp. I knew our cm was good and respected before I interviewed her. Plus she is older so it was more like DS going to an older aunt than another mum. I feel lke she could teach me a thing or two! DS always eats and naps better when he's at the cms so I must ask her for tips...

Issy, i totally agree with you, it is a logical and sound arguement. Trouble is, im not an entirely logical and sound person!!

I'm torn between both nursery and CM to be honest, i could imagine that if the CM is having a bad day then that would be shite, i know it is a professional job but we all have bad days. I do like the idea of personal attachments, despite the almost psychotic jealousy but i do wonder if nursery might suit DD more. But then what is she hurts herself, or just feels upset, wont she want me? (Thats a lose lose thing, if she doesnt i'd be devestated, if she did, id be devestated if i couldnt be there). My friends little boy is in nursery and although he does ok he still cries when she leaves him and is clingy when she picks him up (and he has been there over a year!), personally i dont think he is at the best nursery because i have walked past their makeshift garden (they are having work done) and i have seen young girls supervising a group of little ones, looking bored and like they wished they could be anywhere else. Then ive heard bad reports etc, i guess the problem being that you dont tend to hear the good stuff

I suppose i should at least be looking into nursery now, i dont want to have to accept second best which is what i will do if i leave things and have to take drastic last minute job action (either the wolf breaks the door down or i see the "perfect" job).

meely you say its the age of starting, i agree, which is why i have problems and now DD is 2

picking up on what you say about your dd having speech delay, my ds is late with his speech (he's 2), and he has come on leaps and bounds since starting nursery. in fact one of my reasons for sending him was to encourage speech.

i am in the process of starting to work freelance. i work while he naps each morning, usually about 1-1.5 hrs, in the evening plus the day he is at nursery. all that has gone to pot with dd off school now though, but the idea is that it will start slowly, but to get things up a running ready for ds starting nursery grant and then school.

have done quite a bit of design work, book projects and magazine articles. none of it paid as yet but its all network making, promotion etc at this stage.

Sorry haven't hd a chance to read all posts so sorry if I'm repeating, but am presuming you may be looking for a job at a university? Many have attached nurseries, which may make you feel better. This is what I do, and it's great - if DDs ill I can be there in 10 mins, and when she first started I used to pop in at lunchtime so we weren't parted for so long (before it became evident it was for my benefit, not hers!)
Otherwise would you consider being a tutor for the Open university? That means work from home (excpet for the odd weekend seminar) and they give teaching training.

lem - I sympathise. My dd (2) has just started a fab nursery (NuNu), afternoons only for two weeks, then 3 full days for a month before she goes full time in Sep.

It's killing me. I LOVE the nursery - I really do think it is the very best one I saw (and I went to see 15 lol) but I still hate the fact she is going.

I went back to work when she was 6 mths but dh has been a sahd for last 18 months and is hoping to go back to work in Sep.

I was really worried she wouldn't enjoy it and the days that I have taken her she has REALLY created hell - lots of screaming, but what I do is sit in the car park for 10 mins and then go back to check. Every time I have gone back she has been fine (and strangely I then walk away feeling a bit cheated)

So - my point to all this rambling (!) is there any way she could go part time at first - or would the wolves catch hold then? I think the fact my dd was at home with dad meant she needed to be 'eased in' (and it has helped us feel better about sending her)

Oh, and I'd better go get her now - or she really will hate me (cries when I pick her up - every time and tells me shes "had enough mum")

oblomov, i wanted to be a vet but my parents told me at a very young age i wouldnt be able to as only people who go to university can be vets! They werent bad parents, far FAR from it, just from a background where people just didnt go onto further education. I actually left school having not taken any exams and returned to college when DD1 was 4 (shes 17 now!) to do GCSE level courses to train as a vet nurse. I found i had an aptitude for science and then went and did my degree. After that i worked as a vet nurse but hated the restrictions and the fact that as i wasnt qualified in vet nursing i was a glorified skivvy and although i was capable of doing much more, wasnt allowed to. So that led me to looking for another job and i stumbled across my PhD project. I did the project because the project itself interested me rather than to actually get the PhD, so that was a bonus (it didnt feel that way when i was battling against time to write up). So, thats my life history - you say you did russian, just wondered why? are you russian or have russian relatives?

The key to it all is finding childcare you are happy with, I have done both CM & Nursery, if you get a good nursery they are brill, lots of social skills mixing ready for pre school etc etc. When we moved to new area trailed round nurseries but never found one as good, so got very good childminder who now have my 3 whilst I work part time..

I hated the thought of a CM for same reasons, didn't want them getting attached to one person, but the relationship they have is just right, they are very happy to be with her, but I am still Mummy.

Working part time is obviously the ideal if poss cos you get the best of both worlds, knowing you have more money coming in helps things run more smoothly at home, you get to fulfil ( or go towards) your personal goals and spend time with the kids and the kids get to spend time away from you which all goes to make the transition to preschool much more smoothly..its really hard to figure out and I wasn't happy until I found the childcare I really trusted now I work round that

Hi Lucyellensmum,
my DS starts kindergarten next month, he is 3. He also is a late speaker, we are a bilingual family and he still mixes the languages a bit.

From about 19mths he went to a child minder 2 mornings a week. I noticed that the contact with other children really helped his speech development.

Our kindergarten is an integrated one, with their own full time speech therapist so that if there is a problem that needs to be treated, they should pick up on it. Perhaps one of the nurseries in your area has a similar concept.

I found, still find if fact, it horrible to drop him off and leave the CM with the sound of him crying ringing in my ears. Doesn't happen very often, but it reduces me to tears too. My CM is really good and doesn't mind me calling 30 mins later to make sure he is ok. He only cries for a minute or two, then doesn't even ask about me again. Often, when I pick him up he doesn't want to go!

I hope you find a solution that suits you. Good luck with the jobhunting.

oh dear, the wolf is really baying now.

DP just gone off in a panic to buy job paper, but he has outstanding jobs to do - headless chicken comes to mind!

I have booked up to go and look at a local nursery next week - they dont have anything yet and can only offer a few mornings a week so that would be good for DD just now to get her started. I'm going to battle with this though as i was already in tears to the woman on the phone.

Any joy with the lottery ticket?

Don't worry about being in tears LEM, they are well used to sobbing parents! I was one too.

It is horrible at first but you do get used to it, and if she settles well then you get the satisfaction of knowing that you are helping your dd do something she really enjoys - that's a thought that helps me get through the difficult days.

lucy - I can only tell you my experiences. I used a CM from the time all 3 of my kids were 3 or 4 months old. We were very lucky as she was a diamond, but generally I like the idea of a home environment and more one-to-one care. I do appreciate that some people have worries about CMs and I do know parents who have changed CMs 3 times in a year, but that isn't my experience. Not only is it great for the child but CM's tend to offer a lot more flexibility than nurseries - if you're running late the CM isn't going to make a fuss if your DD turns up still in her pjs and without breakfast. Not ideal but it happens. I don't know how well nurseries would accomodate that. You will need all the help you can get when you have a baby and a full-time job and my CM provided that.

But all of my children also spent a day with the GPs once a week. It allows them to build a relationship with them which, in my case, was very important.

Then at age 3 all of mine moved onto a nusery 2 days a week. To get a different kind of care, more children to mix with and to help them with the transition to school.

That's what we did and we were very lucky that it was a all good. With all child care settings the quality of the care matters more than what kind it is.

Haven't read all the posts, but wondered if the Open University had posts. Surely this would involve working from home more/Utilising your time etc. Just an idea, sorry if I'm wrong/have repeated the idea

Lucy, I have no Ruskie's in the family. I studied Russian & German History at school and I really liked it. Then they had a school trip to Moscow and St Petersburg. I was sold.
My sil had some sort of pyschiatrist minor qualification. But she always worked for people who were so unorganised. She went for some careers advice - lets be honest, it is a bit like finding a good... physio, beautician etc, compared to a bad.... This one was very good. She talked to her about all her skills, things that made her happy. Totally opened her eyes. She realised that she was extremely organised. Now she works as a consultant, problem solver, in the same kind of medical / pyschiatric field.
A lateral thinker could open your eyes, to using your academic, highlight your skills and to suggest jobs that you never would have thought of before.Just a suggestion. Not for today as such. But for you to think about.

Hi LEM,

Just want to say I agonised over leaving ds at nursery and worked it so he had the minimum possible time there and never longer than a morning (ie no full days) , but what I had not really foreseen or considered is the fact that he LOVES it.

I mean really loves it to the extent that I almost feel guilty picking him up some days! His character is perfectly suited to nursery (he's very sociable, loves being with other children, very active, loves having loads of things to do/play with) so he totally thrives on it.

I guess what I'm saying is think about the positives dd will get from childcare rather than the negative (ie she'll be away from you).

Good luck.

My experience - returned to full time work and hated it. My son is now 2 and a half. I work part-time/freelance (also work in a fairly specialised field). My son goes to nursery part-time (3 full days a week, which we pay for...when he turns 3 he will go 5 half days a week for free. and I will re-juggle my working hours). It isnt perfect, but its the best balance I could find. I need to work for finance and sanity, but I would go mad if I had to work full time - it just didnt work for us.

i am a lone parent so had my ds all day every day which i loved, but also hated no adult interaction.

i started work part time 2 days a week when ds was 2.3 and he loves it there!

i get to be with adults 2 days a week and get a break from ds, and i look forward to my days with ds so much more now. and it also breaks the week up too.

ds has started talking so much better, he is great with other children (even though he was before) and its such a nice feeling when i walk in to pick him up in the evening and as soon as he sees me a huge smile appears on his face and he come running over for a cuddle shouting mummmmmmmyyyyyyyy!!!

Im trying to think of ideas to work from home to make a bit extra money but no luck yet. Im currently working on tattoo designs to sell