i dont want to open the whole SAHM/WAHM debate but im torn

[lucyellensmum]

If this turns into a feminist debate i'll flounce, i swear i will..so don't be bloody hijacking my thread unless you have some constructive advice.

Right, heres the thing - i chose not to work when i had DD, i had just finished my Phd and i still had to write it up, which i did, betweeen breastfeeding and nappy changing. Now we are seriously broke, DD is 2 and i still feel that i can't bear to leave her with strangers all day. I do have a part time job (one afternoon a week at the local vets) but this in no way utilises my skills and the pay is rubbish. My mum looks after DD during this time but she couldnt do it more, she is 73. My partner is trying to establish a business and its not going too well, he is a carpenter. We are really struggling.

I feel really guilty about not working but i desperately want to be at home for my little girl for a bit longer. It is looking, however, like i will have to start looking. The SAHM thing isnt the only obstacle though. My line of work is specialised and i can't see a job happening out tof the blue, especially as we can't up sticks and travel etc and commuting isnt really an option. So, there is all that to consider too.

So, this is what i want - I would like to hear peoples experiences with returning back to work, positive and negative and where would be a good place to start looking for GOOD childcare. It doesnt matter if it is expensive, i will be able to earn a reasonable wage. I don't want a nanny.

What i DO NOT want is this to degenerate into a debate over SAHMs, i know my opinions and i don't need to be lectured too.

I think my decision would have been much easier if i were working when DD was born as i would have probably taken maternity leave and taht would have been it, but that way DD would have become accustomed to childcare, now it is a whole different thing as she is used to having her mummy all day and daddy even sometimes. The other alternative is for daddy to be SAHD, he is happy to do this but i really want him to give the business his best shot as we keep putting it off and he is not happy working for other people.

Alternatively, if anyone has any good ideas for working from home (not envelope stuffing or anything like that) then i would appreciate hearing about that. I have sent for an application form to do exam marking but my teaching experience is limited.

So, please, any ideas, or winning lottery tickets would be much appreciated. The wolf is at the door, and his teeth look sharp [shudder}

train as a childminder

What's your field?

I work part time.
I find it's the perfect balance for me.
Ds and dd go to an Asquith Nursery.
We needed a nursery that would take them from 8am to 6.15pm. Many nurseries around here only started at 8.30am and closed at 5.15pm which would have been impossible to fit a 9-5 job around.
I never consdiered a child minder because I had no alternative chilcare if the childminder was ill.

i would go with a registered childminder becuase its a homely environment. and then maybe when she starts nursery in 12 months the CM can take her and pick her up - a familiar face so to speak.

seriously your angst need only be for another year then the education systme has them all day anyway.

and dont fret the small stuff babe - your doing what millions of families have to - working to survive - your not doing any 'plonking' of kid to be self indulgent in your own career ar you? so ease of your own guilt a bit

nice idea twiglett, but im not really into other peoples children, they are ok to amuse my DD but other than that ....i wouldnt be very good at it im afraid. I have actually considered this but i do think i would be pants at it and also my house isnt really suitable.

You say your teaching experience is limited and I don't know what your field is, so it's difficult to help out with job ideas. Sorry.

Regarding childcare - I work 3 days as a teacher and both of our children go to a private day nursery and this works well for us: Both are sociable and well-rounded children and we don't have the worry of who is going to look after them if the childminder/nanny is ill.

I hope you find a solution soon.

If you have a PhD you could lecture, or find a research post if there's a university near you. working at home is pretty much standard for a lecturer so you wouldn't even need FT childcare.

ive always balked at the childminder thing custy, i am sooo bloody jealous i dont think i could bear her to form a relationship with another woman (see how selfish i am!!!). Nicely put re the plonking. I always maintained i would work, but i just love being an SAHM, but its not working financially.

Pretty Candles, my field (full of weeds!) is biosciences, specifically fruit fly research. So, a bit specialised. (and my spelling is shite - although im not sure that matters ha ha)

okay go to the ofsted website. Find the names of a few nurserys near you that have good reports and ask to vist them. If they have places they will be really keen to show you around and you can really tell from lo how happy she will be there.

as to jobs and stuff from home have you thought about OU tutoring? don't know much about it but guess with a PhD you would qualify

dd (just 3) goes to a nursery - she loves having lost of friends to play with all the time and also has the continuity of a key worker who loves her almost as much as we do! She is very happy there.

Downside is now that she has cut out her midday nap she comes home very tired and often plays up at bedtime.

I understand where you're coming from LEM as I felt exactly the same as you do. I only work to pay bills and I would rather be at home.

It is hard, I won't pretend it isn't, but your dd will get a lot out of childcare, whether it is CM or nursery based, as she will enjoy the social aspect very much. In all honesty I suffer far more than she does.

(My dd is Lucy Ellen or have I already told you that? I've noticed your name on the boards a few times for obvious reasons )

I work p/t and I love it.
What did you intend to do, say after your phd, if you had not had dd, as it were.
You need to give us some clues re what kind of work you would like to do.

I work 3 days i a bank - went back just before DS was 2 as I did with DD.

Love it gets me out and my brain is not seeping from my ears as it did when I was a SAHM.

DD goes to childminder before and after school and DS goes to a local nursery whcih I was told by a local childminder was awful but is infact brilliant!

I would let DH stay at home if that is what he wanted and maybe just do a bit of specialised work from time to time to keep his hand in and make hmi feel like he is contributing and then he can pick it up when DD goes to school hopefully having had recomendations from the bits he did whilst a SAHD!

Where are you by the way could do with a reliable carpenter!

even if you work from home, you do need childcare, otherwise you will just end up feeling guilty about cheating everybody (your dd , your students, your research)

could you work in the evening at all?

then dh could be in (I presume your dd would be in bed)

although that brings up the "ships passing in the night" scenario when dh comes home and you go out

call centres etc

not your field but would give you money until you find a job you want

titchy, my uni (local to me - where i have spent what feels my whole life ) doesnt operate like that (well not the department i would like to teach in) the lecturers have to have their own research group and i am no where near at that level, also, they work all the hours god sends so it wouldnt be suitable. But otherwise that would be a brilliant idea. I did try the local college but they only have supply lecturers positions at the moment and they couldn't promise more than a days notice and for childcare that would be no good.

I't might seem like i am looking for obstacles, hmmmm, that is because i am

Good luck to you!

I went back to work 3 days a week when ds was 8 months. I have found that although I don't enjoy my job in the same way I really value the time I have to myself being me. Its taken a while though - for at least the first 6 months after going back I would have given it up like a shot if it weas financially possible (previously I loved my job so much I would have carried on even if we had won the lottery).

I think you will find it very hard to leave your dd as she is at an age when small children do get upset to be left. So I would prepare yourself for this. Maybe try to leave her with a friend for an hour or so while you get your hair cut or something so she gets used to being looked after by different people. You might already do this but also while you are still off you could take her to lots of toddler groups so she gets used to being with other children and try and keep out of her way as much as you can (and as much as is practical in this situation) so she gets used to playing with others with less input from you. Our ds's nursery also had a great settling in programme where you leave them for increasing amounts of time firstly while you are there and then for a couple of hours while you leave. That was fab. It might also be worth you booking her into the nursery / childminder for a week or two before you go back to work so that if she does have problems settling in and you need to go check on her then you can do so. I read somewhere that its much better to look your child in the eye and say goodbye and let them see you go even though this is much harder. Then they get used to the idea that you are going but will be back. Most children who do get upset at parents leaving tend to cry and shout for only a couple of minutes and then settle down really quickly once you have gone so probably harder for you than them!

Bear in mins that good nurseries are booked up months if not years in advance. Ds2 is due in Oct and we booked him in a month ago to start in May next year. At the moment they have no space until Sept next year! Hopefully this will change before then....

As far as choosing childcare go visit nurseries and childminders and basically go on your gut reaction. that was all we did as totally didn't know what to expect! All the children seemed really happy though and the staff were doing lots of interesting things with them and were affectionate with the children which was important to us. Plus the food they give them is lovely. most nurseries where we live require a deposit (only about £25) to confirm a place so if you see one you like its probably worth doing this anyway even if you don't know what your plans are because of the long waiting lists. Not any personal experience of childminders so not much advice on this really....

Sorry this has ended up much longer than I intended but hope at least some of it is helpful!

"So, this is what i want - I would like to hear peoples experiences with returning back to work, positive and negative and where would be a good place to start looking for GOOD childcare. It doesnt matter if it is expensive, i will be able to earn a reasonable wage. I don't want a nanny. "

Just find out about the nurseries in your area and go and look at them. See which ones you get a good feeling about and which you don't.
Find out opening hours etc.
You are very lucky to be in the position of money not being an option.
Also look at waiting lists and how long it will take you to get a job as you might need to put her on a list for a few months.

I didn't choose a childminder for the very reasons you state LEM. Couldn't stand the thought of one other woman being solely responsible for dd from 8-5, Mon-Fri [wierdy]

Well I've just got funding for a 2nd PhD Nice and flexible etc Are there any research jobs going in your area? Or a research assistant post? I know it depends where you are.

Jobs from home are tricky. Could you set up your own business?

As for childcare, I'd look for a decent childminder to start with then perhaps add in nursery. . I've used both childminders and nurseries and think its easier to find a good childminder rather than a decent nursery tbh (although there are good ones out there). It's less institutional. I;d be a bit wary of chain nurseries (made that mistake myself before).

I didn't want a childminder because I thought they could be horrid to DS or not look after him properly and there was no one around to tell me.

yes, tigerfeet i remember you saying - we clearly have excellent tastes (your hubby isnt called Dave by any chance? then i'd be scared - lol)

Thanks everyone for the great posts, please keep them coming, i have to go and be domestic now - DD is sounding like she is launching everything out of her cot, possibly herself included (she is supposed to be having her nap!!!) and i have to make that poor man who i sometimes let out of his workshop a sandwich.

Another issue i forgot to mention that is a major influence just now regarding me wanting to stay home is DD has speech delay, she is improving but i would say she is about 6 months behind and although she tries to communicate with other children (i put myself through the hell that is M&T so she can socialise) she can't get past the speech thing. So i am really worried she will struggle at nursery/CM because of this and it may hold her back even more.

Just like to add that I think ds gets a lot out of being at nursery - although tired he is always really happy when he comes home and relaly happy when we leave him there and pick him up. I miss him while working but I actually think its really good for him to have the balance of some time with me and some time there. In fact I think that if I gave up work now because I had loads of money (i can dream!) I would still want him to go a couple of days a week and he will continue to go while I am on maternity leave with ds2

Think maybe the nursery will help with the speech delay thing if she communicates with other kids being around them for longer will help surely?

compo - i WISH money not an option