Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How would you answer this question from step child

78 replies

AreWeThereYettt · 19/06/2019 22:41

Me and DP are getting married and his DS asked me the other day why mummy isn't invited.

He got distracted before I answered.

How would you answer this?

DP and his ex co parent well but they aren't overly friendly and they don't really like each other outside of talking about DS.

I get on with her okay, no dramas or anything but nothing more then a chat at drop off/pick up kind of thing.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 19/06/2019 22:46

How old is the child? I’d try to be honest in an age appropriate way.

If the child is 4/5 I’d probably go for something like ‘well, your mummy and daddy get on really well and do an awesome job of looking after you, but weddings are the kind of party where you only invite friends and family you go out and have fun with. It doesn’t mean your mummy and daddy don’t like each other though, just that they’re friends in a different way’ or something like that.

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 19/06/2019 22:52

He's 6.

Thanks for the suggestion!

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 19/06/2019 22:58

Were the step-DS's parents married? If so. am not sure whether the following would be a non-confrontational explanation and helpful but here goes
'Well mummy got to go to her wedding with your DF. If mummy married again then she'll get to star in that wedding'.

Good luck.

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 19/06/2019 23:06

No, they weren't married!

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 19/06/2019 23:06

I'd pass that over to his daddy

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/06/2019 23:09

If he's 6 I'd avoid the question. They're easily distracted at that age.

HennyPennyHorror · 19/06/2019 23:11

I don't like Zilla's answer at all. It may worry him if his Mum hasn't got a partner.

I like the first reply. It's very nice and thoughtful. Honest but not overly so.

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 08:05

I'd pass that over to his daddy

I think I will to be honest!!

OP posts:

ReganSomerset · 20/06/2019 08:08

Yeah, a simple 'ask your dad' would suffice here.

FancyForgetting · 20/06/2019 08:43

If it comes up again, I think you and his dad need to make sure you’re answering the question he’s actually asking, not the one you think he’s asking, as they may not be the same!

Like the old story of the child who asks his mother ‘Where did I come from?’ She gets in to the whole ‘when a mummy and daddy love each other very much ...’ narrative and the child waits patiently to ask ‘but my friend was born in London and now he lives in Liverpool like us, so where was I born?’.

So, does he want an explanation of how they co-parent but aren’t really friends, or is he looking for reassurance about who he’ll be sitting with at the wedding, since his mum won’t be there?

ThatsUnusual · 20/06/2019 08:48

I'd slightly avoid answering (he's far too young to understand the complexities) but acknowledge his question, and focus back on his role in the wedding. Eg:

"Why isn't mummy coming?"
"Mummy won't be coming but I'm so excited and happy that you will be a really special part of the day! What are you excited about the most? Do you want to sit next to Daddy? There will be lots of food and dancing! Shall we pick a song together?"

herculepoirot2 · 20/06/2019 08:53

“Your mummy used to be married to your daddy. She won’t want to come to another wedding! Want a biscuit?”

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 08:56

Your mummy used to be married to your daddy. She won’t want to come to another wedding! Want a biscuit?

They weren't married. I like the biscuit distraction though

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 20/06/2019 08:58

Well, your mummy used to be in love with your daddy. She isn’t anymore, but she probably won’t want to watch him get married. Want a biscuit?

Just tell the truth.

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 20/06/2019 09:07

Well you know when you have your birthday party, you can't invite everyone because you're only allowed 10? Weddings are like that. You can't invite everyone you like because the hall only allows 50. Then distract with talk of birthday parties.

lau888 · 20/06/2019 09:18

Ask him if he's worried about mom not being there? Then you can tailor the explanations to fit whatever's on his mind eg logistics of the day, mom isn't cross that he's invited and she is not, it's just for the party and everyone will be back to their usual routines afterwards, etc.

As he is 6 y/o, he's possibly just thinking about himself eg who will make sure my dinner isn't yucky/take me to the bathroom if dad and OP are busy with important "wedding" stuff and mom isn't there?

The wedding may have become a big crowd of strangers in his mind. Fun for an adult can be daunting to a child. It might help to go through the names of people he will definitely know and trust eg any grandparents or aunts/uncles.

SoupDragon · 20/06/2019 09:18

I was also going to suggest simply saying you can't invite everyone, like a birthday party . 🙂

TheRedBarrows · 20/06/2019 09:25

“Well, your mummy used to be in love with your daddy. She isn’t anymore, but she probably won’t want to watch him get married. Want a biscuit?

Just tell the truth.”

But IS that the truth? And do you have the right to speak on her behalf? Isn’t the truth “I don’t want his ex there on my wedding day, thank you very much”?

If things were very civilised and friendly I think it would be great if exes were there when their child’s parent married a step parent.

“Because adults are unable to control their feelings of bitterness, jealousy, possessiveness and pride” might be the HONEST answer.

herculepoirot2 · 20/06/2019 09:33

TheRedBarrows

Well, the truth as you see it, and without hurting the kid if you can help it.

CripsSandwiches · 20/06/2019 09:39

I would say mummy and daddy have different friends so mummy will be busy with her friends and daddy's and my friends will be at the wedding.

Megs4x3 · 20/06/2019 09:41

If he is old enough to ask the question, he's old enough for an answer, suitably framed for a 6 year old. ('I don't want her there' isn't kind and launching into the honesty/reality of adult relationships isn't appropriate.)

Answer the question or you run the risk of it being asked again, loudly and for all to hear, at some time during the celebrations.

Plenty of good suggestions here, and though I wouldn't palm it all off on Daddy, after all he asked the OP the question, it might be an idea to run the answer by him so that you are both on the same page.

JuneFromBethesda · 20/06/2019 09:47

I don’t suppose his mum would particularly want to be there either!

sashh · 20/06/2019 09:49

If they were not married then, "Your mummy doesn't like weddings I do. You don't like X but I do, it's the same thing"

womaninthedark · 20/06/2019 09:51

'When people get married, they usually think it is going to be forever. If they aren't happy together, and divorce, they usually don't want to go to their ex-partner's wedding, because it can remind them of what they once hoped, and make them sad.'

Though, to be fair, my ex remarried twice, and I wasn't sad at all.

TheRedBarrows · 20/06/2019 09:54

I am not advocating the actual truth!

But think it not fair to put the explanation into his Mum and speak on her behalf / put words in her mouthy. It isn’t fair.

If you say his Mummy doesn’t like weddings the next thing is that he will be asking her why she doesn’t and trying to Persuade her to come... and she will be posted off to have been out in that position.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread