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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you answer this question from step child

78 replies

AreWeThereYettt · 19/06/2019 22:41

Me and DP are getting married and his DS asked me the other day why mummy isn't invited.

He got distracted before I answered.

How would you answer this?

DP and his ex co parent well but they aren't overly friendly and they don't really like each other outside of talking about DS.

I get on with her okay, no dramas or anything but nothing more then a chat at drop off/pick up kind of thing.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 20/06/2019 09:55

DHs ex (mum of DSS) came to our wedding as we wanted to present a united front and thought it would be nice for her to see DSS as best man. It was fine. A bit weird but after a couple of drinks no one cared. Could you consider extending an invite?

Original poster
AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 09:59

I agree that I don't want to put words in her mouth i.e. she would be sad etc...

I like the idea of saying we just have different friends maybe. It is true, they don't have any mutual friends that will be coming to the wedding.

Re extending an invite, my DP would not want to do that and honestly I highly doubt she'd want to come either. As I say, they co parent well and are civil for DS but they aren't each others biggest fans outside of that. I'd think she'd find it odd to be invited to be honest.

OP posts:
Provincialbelle · 20/06/2019 10:01

At that age you could probably get away with “mummy is busy that day” and he won’t be thinking more than five minutes into the past / future anyway, so the event isn’t going to linger in his mind afterwards

ChicCroissant · 20/06/2019 10:02

If you know who will be looking after DS on the day of the wedding I'd weave that in to the answer as well (x is there to look after you on the day as well as us) so he knows he'll have someone with him.

Agree with not making an assumption about the ex's feelings on the matter!

Mishappening · 20/06/2019 10:04

I think you have to be careful about the "not in love with any more" explanation. I have seen children being forced into falling in and out of love with their parent's chosen partner; and it is very hard for them.

It opens up the idea that someone might cease to love him. Scary idea for a child. They need to feel that love is a constant.

I think the numbers explanation would best suffice and the children's party analogy.

LoafofSellotape · 20/06/2019 10:13

Mum's busy that day is perfect- make sure she knows you've told him that in case he asks her what she's doing!

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 20/06/2019 10:16

I think I would say that his mummy and daddy really love working together to look after him. That people don’t normally invite their children’s parents to their wedding. That you are sure his mummy will be just so proud of what a great page boy/son etc he will be. I might also remind him that granny, auntie etc will also be there to cuddle him (just in case this is actually I’m a bit frightened without my mummy).

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 20/06/2019 10:20

PS same rules apply here as with sex education don’t answer loads of questions they haven’t actually asked. Getting into the state of the relationship or why they broke up or if they are close friends is not what he is asking. He is either a) curious or b... more likely anxious about HIM and who will be looking after him, what will happen on the day for him. 6year olds are processing the world through their own experiences not ours.

Hopeless25 · 20/06/2019 10:22

Hahaha oh the joys of step parenting. In my opinion i would say that the mum wouldn't have many friends and might not feel comfortable, or go with the We can only have xyz amount of people and you can't invite everyone.:-) you might want to make sure dad isn't going to cave and say oh we will invite her hahaha exes don't have a place at a wedding its bad juju or something hahaha

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/06/2019 10:23

It's not your place to answer this (even if she did ask you). Over to Daddy...

Loveislandaddict · 20/06/2019 10:23

I like the comparison with birthday parties.

Beamur · 20/06/2019 10:30

I think I would simply say people don't tend to go to the weddings of people they used to be married to (or in a relationship with) before.
You don't need to explain much more than that.
Then offer a biscuit! Grin

TheVanguardSix · 20/06/2019 10:31

How about answering around the question?
Take a scenic route swerve and just say, "Mummy isn't able to make it on the day, but she'll be so proud of you as page boy. Do you like your suit? I can't wait to try the cake. Can you? I think it's meant to be quite warm, which will be wonderful."
Deviate.

TheVanguardSix · 20/06/2019 10:32

Beamur is spot on.

Megs4x3 · 20/06/2019 10:35

Agree with you there @TheRedBarrows. I was speaking generally and not getting at you or your suggestions personally. :-)

blubberyboo · 20/06/2019 10:35

Why don’t you invite her to the evening do? Maybe he wants his mum to see him all dressed up. And in the eyes of this child there’s no reason why everyone can’t get along and be friendly. I’d want to encourage that amongst everyone. After all you are becoming his step mum so from his point of view you are all his family

Original poster
AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 10:36

Whether I answered or DP did as his dad, I'd still be curious to hear from others as to what they'd say (as me or DP).

Some good suggestions and things to watch out for thank you!

OP posts:
Thehop · 20/06/2019 10:38

“We’re friends because we all love you, but weddings are for absolutely best friends”

CheeseIsEverything · 20/06/2019 10:40

Don't feel guilty for admitting you don't want your partner's ex at your wedding OP.

I would absolutely not want exH at mine, he'd be highly unlikely to actually come and I wouldn't want to put DP in that situation.

If she wants to see him dressed up then your partner can send her some pictures of him in his suit or whatever.

It's absolutely fine to not want her at your wedding. Your DSS is likely just asking out of curiosity or logistics like others said i.e. who is going to be looking after me? Kind of thing.

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2019 10:45

“Mum and I have different friends” sounds like the sort of answer that would work at this age- quickly followed by the biscuit.
Don’t forget to let your dp know he’s asked and what you said.

Who’s he going to the wedding with? He might be a bit worried about how things are going to work.

LittleGwyneth · 20/06/2019 10:49

Just tell him the truth - 'usually when you get married you don't have your ex partner there. Biscuit?'

Or alternatively, 'that's something you should ask Daddy about. Biscuit?'

To the people suggesting she should invite the EXP, it's their wedding, their choice, and yes she's becoming a step mum but she doesn't have to make huge compromises about her wedding day

PregnantSea · 20/06/2019 10:49

When I asked my daddy wasn't going to my mum's wedding I was told "because daddy is a dickhead and nobody wants him there".

I don't recommend this answer...

AshQ · 20/06/2019 10:49

“We’re friends because we all love you, but weddings are for absolutely best friends”
This sounds good.
Is there no chance of her coming to the evening if you all get along? My separated parents are still friends and I think they’d invite each other if they remarried. I understand why people wouldn’t want to though.

icedgem85 · 20/06/2019 10:51

Don’t speak on behalf of the mum. Don’t say she doesn’t like weddings. Don’t say she doesn’t love daddy any more. Don’t say she’s busy! He might not even ask again. If he does, say because she’s not invited to this wedding and move the conversation on.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/06/2019 10:51

'Because weddings are where you invite your friends that you do things with, and some family, but you don't invite everybody you know - you know that mummy has different friends to daddy so when her friends get married she would be going to their weddings! And when you grow up, you'll be going to lots of weddings that me and your daddy or your mummy won't be going to. Hey, this reminds me! We'll have to make sure that we take some great pictures of you that you can show to mummy.'

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