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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you answer this question from step child

78 replies

AreWeThereYettt · 19/06/2019 22:41

Me and DP are getting married and his DS asked me the other day why mummy isn't invited.

He got distracted before I answered.

How would you answer this?

DP and his ex co parent well but they aren't overly friendly and they don't really like each other outside of talking about DS.

I get on with her okay, no dramas or anything but nothing more then a chat at drop off/pick up kind of thing.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 20/06/2019 11:11

You could always just invite her - problem solved!

"Mummy and daddy used to be partners, and old partners don't usually come to weddings."

CoastalWave · 20/06/2019 11:23

3 pages and not once person feels sad for the little boy.

He's 6. I'm not sure at that age they grasp much more than 'this is my Mum and this is my Dad'.

Unless Mum is 100% out of the picture, you won't be his Mum you will be his Dad's wife - and he's obviously feeling vulnerable about his Mum not being there. I would have been very upset.

Just say you're not sure his Mum would like to go - and let him ask his Mum.

CoastalWave · 20/06/2019 11:24

and I can't understand why adults can't be far more forgiving and understanding - particularly if they've both moved on - when they both have a child to take into consideration. Presume he lives with his Mum?

Poor kid.

ravenmum · 20/06/2019 11:27

I do sympathise with any children having to juggle a divided family,, but why would we feel sad for this boy? He asked a very sensible question and his step-mum is thinking carefully about how best to respond.

I had a great time at my mum's wedding, age 9. Her new partner was lovely. It was much nicer living with him than just my mum. No need to assume that this boy is sad about the wedding just because he asked about the invite.

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 11:37

I am very considerate of the fact that his parents aren't together and am not trying to be or play his mum at all. We actually have a really lovely relationship and get on incredibly well.

I have tried also to involve him in the wedding as much as possible which he really seems to be enjoying. I don't believe he is sad about the wedding, the way he asked me sounded like genuine curiousity rather than upset.

DP has 50/50 care. With us 4 nights one week and 3 the next. As I say, him and ex get on fine for their DS, he is non the wiser as to how they may personally feel about each other. They go to all parents evenings, birthday parties etc... together to show a united front for him but DP does not want his ex at his wedding, they aren't friends outside of DS and don't really get on other than to parent hence why I believe she would be very unlikely to actually come and find an invite a bit strange.

OP posts:

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 11:41

He will be with his aunt and uncle, DPs parents also there, for the ceremony

OP posts:

limitedscreentime · 20/06/2019 11:42

Is there any chance that he has already had a conversation with his mother....

'Wow, you are going be be so smart in your new outfit, I wish I could be there to see you'

'Why won't you be there Mama?'

'Umm, well because I haven't been invited'

Easy enough until he asks you WHY she hasn't been invited?

I think I'd just say because only your closest friends will be there/mummy won't know anyone and give him a full explanation of who he will be with and what he will be doing all day.

limitedscreentime · 20/06/2019 11:45

Missed your last post - sounds like he has a good understanding of the day, but I wonder if at 6 it's about him so he's still wondering why mummy can't be there to see him.... promise you'll take lots of pictures of DS for him to show her?

OurChristmasMiracle · 20/06/2019 11:57

“Because unfortunately whilst we both like mummy we can’t invite everyone we like”

CheeseIsEverything · 20/06/2019 11:59

Why exactly do we need to feel sad for the child?

He asked a genuine question and OP is trying to find the most suitable answer.

Nothing I have read here suggests that DSS is hard done to or miserable.

Unless Mum is 100% out of the picture, you won't be his Mum you will be his Dad's wife

What's the point of this? I'm sure OP is well aware she isn't his mother. Again, nothing I've read here suggests she thinks otherwise or is trying to act in such a way.

Not everyone who marries a man with kids wants to shove mum out of the way so they can play parent.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 20/06/2019 12:10

My ex has just got engaged again. My son is quite excited about the idea of a wedding, and I’m happy for him, but I certainly wouldn’t want to attend!
I would probably remind him of the people who will be there, so granny, grandad, auntie Sue, and who he’ll be sitting next to. And maybe something like “and of course we’ll send mummy a picture of you in your smart outfit..” I also like the birthday party analogy.

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 12:24

Thanks ColdTatty, I'll make sure to mention who he'll be with if he brings it up again.

OP posts:

Megs4x3 · 20/06/2019 12:31

A thought - could Daddy ask Mummy if DSD has asked about the wedding, saying that he has asked why she is not going and he wants him to be told something that she will be comfortable with? they may not be best pals but if their relationship is reasonable, she may welcome the heads-up.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 20/06/2019 12:32

I don't believe it's necessary to have mum and dad at absolutely everything together once they are no longer a couple.

Parents evenings and birthday parties are about the child, if parents are happy to attend together that's great but there's no need to invite the ex to absolutely everything just because she's his mum.

So long as DSS is loved and cared for by his parents and he knows this then it will do no harm to separate some events.

They aren't a couple anymore and it's okay for children to know that! You wouldn't invite his ex on holiday to show a 'united front' would you? If you're not comfortable with her being there and neither is your DP then don't invite her! It is yours and his day, you absolutely do not have to be a martyr in every situation.

He was asking out of curiosity, it will not scar him that his mother didn't attend his dad's wedding. In fact it's probably beneficial to understand that mummy and daddy don't have to do everything together, there will be similar events in the future where this understanding will come in handy I'm sure.

Beamur · 20/06/2019 12:33

I only got married a few years ago and can't actually remember if DH's ex wife (and her husband) came or not! I think we did invite them but there's a lot of water under the bridge since DH was previously married and I get on with his ex.

codemonkey · 20/06/2019 12:40

If he's 6 I'd avoid the question. They're easily distracted at that age

If he's asking the question, he deserves an (age appropriate) answer. Kids shouldn't be fobbed off simply because parents find some conversations difficult.

MrsDimmond · 20/06/2019 12:47

I like the idea of saying we just have different friends maybe

I think that's the best approach. Say it's like a party where you can't invite everyone you know.

Please don't put ideas about his mum into the discussion e.g. - whether she likes weddings or would be sad etc.

My exp got married when my dd was nearly 5. I wasnt sad about their marriage and have no aversion to marriage or going to weddings!

I was sad though, that despite me having done my dd's hair for the occasion ready to be picked up by her grandparents, her step mum refused to allow me to collect her from the reception in the evening, insisting that exp's parents leave to drive her back instead.

Exp had suggested I do the pick up and have a drink at the reception party (at a local pub) but his wife vetoed the idea which was a shame. But, of course I accepted her decision.

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 13:41

I think the party analogy is probably going to work best!

OP posts:

tinyvulture · 20/06/2019 14:11

I think if I remarried I would probably invite DD’s dad, if the man I was marrying was ok with it. She would want to have him there, and I would want her to enjoy the day, and frankly, it would be less hassle if he was there to look after her! He’d probably invite me too if he remarried (tho possibly not if he marries his current girlfriend- she isn’t a massive fan of me.....)

However, ex-h and I get on well (now - we didn’t for a while) - I can see that having your ex at your wedding isn’t an option for everyone. I do think it is worth if if you can possibly tolerate it tho - nicer for the kids.

As for your answer, my DD is 7, and if for some reason I wasn’t inviting her dad, I’d tell her the truth - “As you know, tho we are friends we are not together any more and it might be a bit awkward.” / “It might make (insert new spouse’s name” uncomfortable because your dad and I used to be together.” / “I’d love to have invited him, but we are really tight on numbers and there are other people we wanted there even more.....” Whatever the truth was at that particular time. I think honesty with kids is really important, and at that age they are pretty rational, and understand more than we think. So what would your honest answer be? “Tho your mum and dad still get on really well, it’s a different sort of friendship, and you don’t normally invite your ex to your wedding?” That covers it and is inoffensive....

cavalier · 20/06/2019 14:42

As a child I would have wanted to know this too
So yes be honest ... but not brutal ..
it’s sad they can’t go to the evening or something .. for the sake of the little ones

ravenmum · 20/06/2019 14:49

The little boy's not going to be sitting alone, apart from crowds of relatives his dad will be there the whole time ... the idea of it being sad if the mum isn't there is verging on "But who's looking after the children?" territory.

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 14:52

I don't really get why it's sad that she isn't invited to the reception 'for DSS'.

Surely it's only the same as going to any event on his Dad's side of the family in the future where mum won't be?

Aside from the actual ceremony where he'll be sat with grandparents/aunty and uncles, he'll be with his Dad, sat at the table with us etc...

OP posts:

CheeseIsEverything · 20/06/2019 14:57

I echo BloodyFreezing, there's nothing wrong with children understanding that mum and dad don't have to do things together all the time.

There will be lots of times where mum isn't invited in the future, family events on yours / your DPs side, holidays, maybe your own child's birthdays etc...

There's no need for the ex to be there for SS. He's with his Dad and his family. The only reason I'd invite her is because I was friendly with her and wanted to. It seems as though that isn't really your/your DPs situation so that's fine!

tinyvulture · 20/06/2019 15:29

No, I definitely didn’t mean to imply it would be scarring for the little boy not to have his mom there - it will be absolutely fine. I was just thinking of my own dd - if I were ever to get married, I assume she’d be massively excited about it all, being a bridesmaid etc, so would probably love in a perfect world to share that with her dad too. But if for whatever reason that didn’t happen, of course that would be just fine! She’s well used to us not being at everything together - we have Christmas separately, holiday separately, I even missed one of DD’s two birthday parties this year! (Which was unavoidable, and retrospectively not ideal, but she did not appear to be bothered about it AT ALL - she had a great time!)
So yeah, the little boy will be fine - I just meant it is probably even nicer for the kids if it IS possible to invite the ex, providing everyone is amicable and friendly.
To be honest, if I project my mind forwards and imagine having a wedding in the future, the MAIN reason I imagine wanting ex-h there is so he could keep an eye on DD when I was distracted doing other stuff. How selfish is that??? Also, he’s not my BEST friend, but I do enjoy his company (in manageable doses).

Original poster

AreWeThereYettt · 20/06/2019 16:03

I do appreciate that some people may be happy to invite exes etc... Just think, knowing our situation it would be a bit odd in our case.

OP posts:

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