AIBU for not “thanking” Ex?

[FanjoFizz]

My ex DP and I split up 4 years ago have a child together. He has him one night a week and EOW.
He pays maintenance around CMS level but I don’t know exactly how much he earns so he may be paying a tad more (maybe £20-30 a month more max).
For all intents and purposes he is a good dad.

However, today he has sent me a huge ranty texts saying I don’t appreciate “everything he does” and he deserves some thanks for it. This is a recurring theme with him, he expects praise for basically being a dad.
I have our child 22-23 days a month, organise everything, provide all his clothes (bar a few spares ex keeps at his house), I have always paid all nursery fees, haircuts, all doctors and dental appointment. In fact I suspect he wouldn’t even be able to tell you where he is registered for these.
I literally do everything, yes he sees his child regularly and makes a financial contribution but beyond that it all falls to me.

AIBU for pointing out how much I do and have never once received appreciation or thanks from him? I acknowledge our child loves him very much and he is obviously appreciative, BUT I’m not going to thank my ex for basically being a dad and being present in our child’s life?!!

He is furious and has called me a nasty cow etc. and a row has ensued because I feel he’s being ridiculous. What on earth does he want? He’s a parent, it’s his job.

Has he got a new girlfriend who might be influencing his behaviour? Or a friend sticking nose in?

I'd send a message outlining what you listed on your OP and say it's not about needing to thank each other it's about what we both do to co- parent, say "I thought we both understood that we are doing a good job parenting DC" then let him stew, dont answer if he gets shirty

Ps he sounds like a knob

He constantly says things like “I deserve respect as a high paying supportive father”. He implies he gives me thousands, in reality he pays £275pcm and not much else.

Do a calculation of what it is costing you to support his child, including a proportion of the costs of renting/mortgaging, community charge, utilities, food, clothes, school equipment, etc etc. Show it to him and ask him when he is going to show you respect as a high-paying supportive mother.

Additionally or alternatively, point out that he is doing a fraction of what other fathers are doing as a matter of course without expecting anyone to bow down and worship them for it.

How often does he thank you?

I'd send hoofer's reply as an email the every time he does something send him a text.

Thank you soooooooooooooo much for having your child for two nights this week, it means so much that you look after your child some of the time.

I expect you are going to feed him 3 meals a day this weekend, I only provided him with 15 this week so thank you for providing something for your child while he is with you.

etc.

etc.

But a packet of stickers and give him one every time he has DC

What a twat

Ignore the twat.

You know, one of the great things about divorce is that you don't have to listen to your ex's shit anymore. So just ignore / skim read only his texts and just reply yes or no only where absolutely necessary.

Second thing is that you have been apart 4 years. So if he chose to go to a family court to demand 50/50, he would have to show that things have drastically changed in the last 4 years to warrant that, and that it's in DC's interests. You of course have a record of his verbal abuse and unreasonable demands and can shoe that this is no more than an act of spite against you. It would also cost him tends of thousands of £ to do this. I doubt he's up for that.

Just don't engage. It's fuel for him. What an arse

@Pinotjo I have already done that.

Sorry pressed too soon. I’ve already done that, that’s when he called me a nasty cow for not bowing down to him in awe and gratefulness.

How often does he thank you?
Literally never. Not even once. Not even a thank you if I’m flexible and change arrangements to suit him.

Also I very much doubt he has a new girlfriend, or ever I will if I’m honest. He will date, but I don’t think he’ll ever have a proper girlfriend.
It’s hard to describe on here but he’s very odd. I didn’t see it at first when we dated because I was overwhelmed with grief from the death of a parent so I think my judgement and own mental health were way off.
Before me he had only had one proper girlfriend and that relationship was over 7 years before so I don’t think it’s another woman influencing him.
He is deluded and thinks he’s some kind of God, that he is to be worshipped. The worst part is (and I don’t care if this sounds bitchy) he’s not the best looking man and he’s not particularly bright so it makes his arrogance even more baffling.

Bake a big cookie for him and ice it with
"Congratulations for doing the bare minimum"

@FanjoFizz I'll be your friend

@Hooferdoofer37 I think I’d like you. If you like drinking wine because “it’s a Tuesday and why the fuck not” then we can be besties

he is an arse hole- just ignore

Thanks is definitely due OP.

To yourself. A great big, happy thank you.

That you had the sense to get rid of an absolute twat of a man.

Whom expects to be thanked for being a "bare minimum father".

Well done OP

Ugh...absolute knob end.
You should have texted what you wrote in your OP. Says it all very succinctly.

Well if being nice makes him worse , what about ‘every time you give me shit for not valuing your half arsed job as a father where once in 4 years you bought them shoes and it wasn’t even a pair he needed, I give myself a little pat on the back for being an awesome mum and all the parent he needs 😊

From there you can follow up with responding every time- I’m making myself a cup of tea for being an awesome mum. I’m at tne shops but will have a glass of wine tonight for being an awesome mum. I’m at swimming with ds and the coach thinks im an awesome mum.

My ex has the dd approx 4 hours a week on average. When asked to cover some time in the summer holidays (just days not overnight) he replied - that means I see them 4 days in a row....

Not sure where he thinks they are if it's not with me for 7 days a week the rest of the time!

I would so send him hooferdoofer’s reply then tell him not to contact you except about him actually looking after his own child, like a normal parent does. Wanker.

Just tell him to sod off m, and parenting is a thankless task, and maybe the dc will thank him for it in years to come.

You shouldn’t but I would be tempted to text him asking for thanks every time you do something for DC

Helped DC wipe their bum and use the toilet
Helped DC wash hands
Made DC breakfast
Did DC washing up
Cleaned up DC mess.
Brushed DC hair
Brushed DC teeth
Washed DC face
Dressed DC
Dealt with DC tantrum
Packed DC’s pre-school bag
Drove DC to preschool
Got to preschool on time, etc, etc and that’s before you even made to to work!

"if I ignore him it seems like it gives him the free light to continue to send whatever angry thoughts pop into his head because he’s not being challenged. I actually find if I stand up for myself it stops quicker because he will relent when he realises he’s not getting what he wants."

Yes - this is because of emotional vampirism, a common narc trait.
He's pushing your buttons to get a reaction from you and he will KEEP pushing them until you give the reaction, then he can sit back all satisfied because he's done it. He'll probably be quite nice to you for a while after, until he needs his fix of knowing he's got to you again.

Look up "grey rock" technique - have no reaction to him at all, just treat him as you would a bare acquaintance or a customer you had to be civil to. Give him no emotional response at all, neither nice, kind, happy nor angry, upset etc. Nothing. Be a blank wall. This will piss him off at first, then confuse him because you're no longer reacting like you used to, then eventually he'll get bored and fuck off. But you HAVE to do it completely - NO emotional response in either direction. As soon as he spots an emotional response he'll be back to knowing he can get to you and will goad you beyond endurance until you crack. (Can you tell I know people like this?)

PS - a good response for blanking anything horrible is "thanks for your input". If it's something important to do with the DC, then you can add "I'll bear it in mind", but if it's just abusive shit, just "thanks for your input". Nothing else. No emojis, no nothing.

People like your ex are very difficult to deal with. He sounds like a certain relative of mine. We finally figured out that he is a narcissist. The good news is that it's not your fault. People like him can charge their way into your lives and often have charisma. And often it is empathetic people who are most vulnerable to their charms. But you can'tu can't have a normal relationship with a narcissist. They are like snakes, not humans. You have to understand their natures and handle them while getting bitten as infrequently as possible. Here are some articles about handling narcissists: Twww.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
www.aconsciousrethink.com/3842/deal-narcissist-method-guaranteed-work/