AIBU for not “thanking” Ex?

[FanjoFizz]

My ex DP and I split up 4 years ago have a child together. He has him one night a week and EOW.
He pays maintenance around CMS level but I don’t know exactly how much he earns so he may be paying a tad more (maybe £20-30 a month more max).
For all intents and purposes he is a good dad.

However, today he has sent me a huge ranty texts saying I don’t appreciate “everything he does” and he deserves some thanks for it. This is a recurring theme with him, he expects praise for basically being a dad.
I have our child 22-23 days a month, organise everything, provide all his clothes (bar a few spares ex keeps at his house), I have always paid all nursery fees, haircuts, all doctors and dental appointment. In fact I suspect he wouldn’t even be able to tell you where he is registered for these.
I literally do everything, yes he sees his child regularly and makes a financial contribution but beyond that it all falls to me.

AIBU for pointing out how much I do and have never once received appreciation or thanks from him? I acknowledge our child loves him very much and he is obviously appreciative, BUT I’m not going to thank my ex for basically being a dad and being present in our child’s life?!!

He is furious and has called me a nasty cow etc. and a row has ensued because I feel he’s being ridiculous. What on earth does he want? He’s a parent, it’s his job.

What @Yabbers said!

Send him this link to Billy Connolly's parody of No Charge by Tammy Wynette :) called... No Chance!

If it wasn't this it would be something else: this is a hugely inadequate man who blames other people for his inadequacies (anyone who makes any noise about wanting 'respect', ie praise and attention and indulgence, is a loser). Just ignore. Let him strop himself into a fit if he wants to.

Worradick!

Good job he IS an ex, I'd say!

Hopefully he'll settle down, but honestly, this sort of shit never really goes away. In a minor way, DH is a bit like this, wanting to be thanked for doing the washing up "for me" - no, it's because it's YOUR FECKING TURN to do the washing up! He hasn't done it recently, to be fair, although he does seem to require some kind of pat on the head for doing what he should do as second nature.

But if you get the chance, I'd say "I'll thank you the day you thank me for looking after OUR CHILD the other 85% of the time!" and then leave it.

I know it’s infuriating and tempting to respond, but remember - you are no longer together. You don’t need to engage with his nonsense, you are free of this shite. Roll your eyes, rant a bit here if it helps get it out, and ignore him! He is not your problem!

Thank yourself for making the decision that he needed to be your EX

If it wasn't this it would be something else
But I don’t know what this is? He’s annoyed about nothing really.
He constantly says things like “I deserve respect as a high paying supportive father”. He implies he gives me thousands, in reality he pays £275pcm and not much else.

@WildAngel best decision I ever made

Ah so his problem is how much he is paying! Because clearly paying CM for his dc to have a roof over his head makes him a fantastic father.
Ignore. You can’t pay your way to be a father.

Yes, Yabbers! 😆

I agree that you don't need to thank a dad for being a dad which is what your ex is, however he may have just been feeling a bit tense and let off steam. Unfortunately you were the one in the firing line. Unless he does it again, try to put it at the back of your mind.

The advice I'd give is simply ignore him...

However I'd HAVE to send an email back and list everything that you do for your dc as you have done in your OP and ask him when you are going to get thanked for all you do, plus I'd also give him an earful about how much dc really cost in terms of childcare and how the amount he gives you pales into insignificance. But that's just me

Gosh, OP, I could have written nearly all of your posts - even down to the pair of trainers! but not the confirmation mass.

My ex does the same. I do absolutely everything for the children. Everything. But he expects special brownie points for the rare occasions he does a normal parenting thing.

He once told me he thought I ought to do 50% of the driving to and from contact at his house. I said I thought it was an excellent idea to move towards 50/50 and looked forward to him taking on a more equal parenting role. Never got mentioned again.

Just find ways of dealing with it to ease your own sanity but there's little you can do about it.

What is it about men like this? I see it all the time with friends partners and exes. It's like, "look at me, I deserve a medal for managing to look after my own child for two days." It's like they think you should be grateful because you get a "break" while they take the child. It's really sad and I can't imagine it will do much good for long term relationships between the child and the parent. Because in time the parent will start to expect this gratitude from the child and the child is going to eb confused about why they are supposed to be throwing themselves to their knees in gratitude because their dad came to a soccer game or whatever.

Have you tried getting down on your hands and knees and pressing your forehead to the floor and saying:

"I respect and honor you oh powerful paragon of manliness. Your contribution to the upbringing of your child is without parallel. My life would be impossible without the huge contribution you make"?

I suspect that is all you need to do - not that hard!

What a giant twunt. I wouldn’t unblock him for a while. He’s not your concern.

@Bluerussian he used to do it regularly (almost daily) but about 12 months ago it mostly stopped. At Christmas he kicked off again but I refused to engage and luckily we’ve been getting on really well since.
Well that is was until Saturday when he began making wild accusations of a secret baptism. It’s totally bizarre? He seems obsessed with having DC baptised even though he’s not at all religious and neither am I.
I’ve said several times I’m happy for him to organise it and I’ll come along but he expected me to pay half for a party I don’t want and can’t afford?
My family is huge which is one reason I’m not keen on doing a baptism, they’d all expect to come (we’re close knit and they’d be hurt) but to have all of my family / friends there it would cost a bomb. I’m not bothered either so I don’t want to have to pay for a big party just to appease my ex.

So I’m happy for Ex to do it for them and theirs and I’ll just come to the ceremony but I’m not paying half for a party he wants which will contain only his family and friends. Does that make sense?

You could send him a note saying
You do such an amazing job with our son and obviously as an adoring father the only thing missing in your life is that you only have very limited parenting opportunity. So to thank you, here’s a sketch of a new contact schedule, dc will be over the moon. Have it include something like two or three weekdays every other week and say of course you’d pay Nursery the 3/10 of childcare you’d be covering, but that’s just what parents do so you won’t mind.

And wait.....

Yes “respect” is called for - my ex demanded respect - he was abusive and clearly didn’t respect me.
Ignore or find a witty throwback.
He will crawl back under his rock shortly or find someone else to “respect” him.

@timeisnotaline my fear is he would then actually push for 50/50 custody out of spite and my child would end up spending all of his time with his grandparents whilst ex continued to work. He wouldn’t adapt, he delegate to his mum.

Itemised bill for everything to to with DC.

Weekly food
Weekly electric and gas
Weekly tv
Clothing costs
Shoe
Nursery fees.

Then he can shut up about paying his way.

I would have just replied

"No thank you because thankfully your validation is no longer my concern."

But yeah best ignore the goady bastard. Is he looking for an excuse to do less do you think?

Just wanted to write the same as Yabbers. Do it!
If you can be arsed, add up all the money you spend on DC as well and ask where is your respect as high paying mother - I bet it's more than his 275!

He's not high paying.

He sounds like a narcissist and therefore not a nice person. Be grateful that he is an EX and you don't have to live with him. Sounds like he enjoys riling you, so, as others have suggested, try not to rise to the bait. I understand how angry you must be - and yes, it's completely unjustified - but if he doesn't get much of a reaction, he might not do it so much. You don't want your DC picking up on the tension and rows. As a child of parents who never stopped rowing, it's not a nice place to be, believe me.