AIBU for not “thanking” Ex?

[FanjoFizz]

My ex DP and I split up 4 years ago have a child together. He has him one night a week and EOW.
He pays maintenance around CMS level but I don’t know exactly how much he earns so he may be paying a tad more (maybe £20-30 a month more max).
For all intents and purposes he is a good dad.

However, today he has sent me a huge ranty texts saying I don’t appreciate “everything he does” and he deserves some thanks for it. This is a recurring theme with him, he expects praise for basically being a dad.
I have our child 22-23 days a month, organise everything, provide all his clothes (bar a few spares ex keeps at his house), I have always paid all nursery fees, haircuts, all doctors and dental appointment. In fact I suspect he wouldn’t even be able to tell you where he is registered for these.
I literally do everything, yes he sees his child regularly and makes a financial contribution but beyond that it all falls to me.

AIBU for pointing out how much I do and have never once received appreciation or thanks from him? I acknowledge our child loves him very much and he is obviously appreciative, BUT I’m not going to thank my ex for basically being a dad and being present in our child’s life?!!

He is furious and has called me a nasty cow etc. and a row has ensued because I feel he’s being ridiculous. What on earth does he want? He’s a parent, it’s his job.

my fear is he would then actually push for 50/50 custody out of spite
I doubt he will men like this are all talk. Ignore him, every time you engage you give him the attention he craves.

but if he doesn't get much of a reaction, he might not do it so much
I wish this was the case, if I ignore him it seems like it gives him the free light to continue to send whatever angry thoughts pop into his head because he’s not being challenged. I actually find if I stand up for myself it stops quicker because he will relent when he realises he’s not getting what he wants.
DC is not aware of these arguments, they are usually sent via WhatsApp and luckily I don’t have to see ex very much as pick ups and drop offs are mostly done via the preschool.

*green light - not free light

I recently read somewhere that the thing most men want ,is respect!.However is it any wonder they dont get it !.Many men are like this ,as my old friend said, they expect a round of applause every time they do a BBQ!.As far as This Guy goes be grateful he is no longer married to you!

What on earth does he want?

Control

he wants to make you dance when he says so

Would he understand if you framed it another way, such as:

In the task of parenting our DC you are my job-share, however you have chosen to only do 25% of the role instead of 50%.

You believe that contributing less than one week's of childcare fees per month absolves you from the additional 25% of the role you should be doing, when you should be paying 50% of all childcare fees & then maintenance for the 25% of parenting you don't do.

In the role of parenting we work at a ratio of 1:3. Every time you do one parenting task I.e. cooked DC dinner, I have already done that task 3 times. There are some tasks that you NEVER do (opticians, doctors, dentist etc) because you are clearly incapable of taking on a true 50% parenting role.

If parenting was a profession you'd be fired for under performing. Don't ever expect thanks from me for failing to be the 50% parent your DC deserves.

@Hooferdoofer37

That is sheer bloody genius.

Then again Tactfulish, so is that. . .

@Tactfulish killing with kindness does not work, I’m always kind to him. In fact if I’m nice he turns on me even more like he sees it as a weakness.

I can't imagine why he is your ex he sounds so mature and wonderful.

Also what you said it pretty much identical to what I sent to him earlier. It was then twisted into “You nasty cow! So you’re saying I’m a basic father?” He could twist anything to fit his agenda and current mood

@madcatladyforever 😂 I regret it every day! He’s a delight 😂😂😂😂

I'd put it all in a text or email, quite a long one, telling him everything.
Then clearly state you are available only for communication about ds, you have no interest in him or his life.

And yes you are saying he's a basic father who is absent for the majority of time.

I would leave him blocked.

He's a royal cunt.

'I deserve praise'. 'Oh bore off and tell it to the hand!'

I'd actually say something like, 'I'm no longer interested in your insecurities so if you're going to carry on trying to visit them on me then we need to start using a mediator or contract centre to do handovers because I'm not going to put up with this anymore.'

@Hooferdoofer37 and @Yabbers

Best replies ever!! I feel like I want you guys to be my mates...

what does he want a medal.

you are doing a great job as a mum and I bet he doesn't send you thank you notes.

he doesn't need thanks as he is doing his job and what he is supposed to be doing. He needs to get over himself imo

He sounds like he's barely even a basic father, so he's deluded.

So you’re saying I’m a basic father?

Yes! YES! That is EXACTLY what I'm saying! I'm so fucking glad you've finally got it, I really was wondering just how much closer I was going to have to put the bloody dots, you absolute GENIUS! NOT!!!

It’s a shame because we’ve been coparenting happily and getting along fine since before Christmas so it’s literally come out of the blue

I've got a hunch that he's got a new girlfriend and she's making her presence felt.

my fear is he would then actually push for 50/50 custody out of spite and my child would end up spending all of his time with his grandparents whilst ex continued to work. He wouldn’t adapt, he delegate to his mum
Not necessarily - especially if your legal team make a point of his working hours and giving you first refusal on childcare.

He is a basic father.

^I've got a hunch that he's got a new girlfriend and she's making her presence felt^
Or he could be on glue.........

It sounds like you have him pretty much sussed, OP. Follow your instincts.

Maybe he's got a new gf who thinks he's a wonderful father.