Is he bu and self centred or am I?

[chargedup77]

Aibu to think this is ridiculous or aibu?
"D" p is going away on a stag do Thursday - Saturday and possible till Sunday but won't know till they get there, anyhow he went to play a game of football with friends yesterday evening ( didn't see dd awake at all yday ) and he's going again tonight, he's got the day off tomorrow so we will see him tomorrow day/ night basically I'm getting at Is am I over reacting for being pissed off or is he selfish for going to play both nights when he's away 4 days?

If this is a collection of unusual occasions all at once and not the norm then yeah, suck it up and be benevolent.

So he's basically absent for 6 nights out of 7? I might be pissed off about that too.

Does he usually do his fair share (childcare/housework).?

Is this a frequent occurrence? If so, yes I'd be pissed off too. If it's just worked out that he has a lot of social commitments on successive nights and it's a one off, I'd probably be ok with it as long as I got the opportunity to do the same.

Guess it all depends if you have shared responsibilities OP

As a one-off fine, it's how it goes. Regularly then it's different. And he's got a day off.... On the face of it YABU

I'd agree with pp. If it's a one of let it go. If this is his usual way of being...thats another issue.

Erm they have a child, I'd call that a shared responsibility

Not sure if it's a one off obvs the stag do is but football he used to go 3 times a week until I said I felt it's too much so he cut it down to 3 x one week and 2 x the next week etc I just feel one evening out of the 7 to put our daughter to bed etc is not really right, we've had problems in the past and I've suggested I go and stay with my mum with dd for a few days and he accuses me of taking dd away from him and that I'm running off and being unfair yet he can prioritise one day out of the 7 for dd and me xx

Should add he's always put football first xx

I don't see that 5 evenings out of 14 is that bad as a regular thing - presumably there's no reason why you can't go out and do a hobby too while he's home. At least he's listened to you about the football & cut it down one night. If you're in a team then you have to attend practices.

(And you don't need to add kisses)

Ooh i love the evenings my dp goes to play football! I get to watch my box sets, eat either a takeaway or cook what i want.

What time does he go to football? Won't you see him before he goes?

Not really about other weeks I'm on about this week- one day he has prioritised for his kid!

Sometimes lots of things happen in 1 week. He goes to foitball every week why would that change just cause he has a stag do planned?

I always go to my gym class regardless of what else i have going on. So some weeks i'm out more than others

My ex husband put his hobbies before me for 20 years, in the end I felt much happier when he was away. It was then I realised that I would be so much happier being permanently alone.
Does he understand the impact his actions are having on you and your daughter because I think you need to have that conversation with him.

If you and he agreed to the frequency of his hobby then yabu to then berate him for that. Is it some sort of club?

The problem with a team sport for a hobby is that unlike something like crochet or lane swimming you can’t just skip it or reschedule it once in a while without inconveniencing the other members of your team and possibly the team that you scheduled to play.

The football is ‘only’ 2/3 days a week which actually seems a lot to me but you have agreed to it, so the real problem here is the stag do which presumably is a one off.

If he is a good partner in other ways I’d let this go. Football isn’t 52 weeks a year (is it?). It’s a relatively inexpensive, healthy hobby and it will inevitably tail off as he gets older. Just make sure you also have breaks and hobbies that give you time to be a person as well as a mum.

Yes he knows how I feel, it's not about him going to football every week it's about this week, when he's swaninng off to an expensive stag do when I've had to ask him this morning for some money for a loaf of bread, and not even thinking about us and what we might like as a family rather than just what he wants xx

Yeah football is all year round, he doesn't have to attend- he swaps teams ( different friends and teams ) so could easily say he's not playing tonight, they arrange it on the day and if you can't make it they ask someone else xx

Hmmm. I don't think you are unreasonable to be pissed off, however my DP is the same and it really doesn't bother me, I think it's down to the individual. However we don't have children yet, if this happened when we had children I think I'd be annoyed that he hasn't spent any time with them

That's exactly how I was before children, I didn't mind so much, I don't mind now but it's the fact he puts it first no matter what the situation, I gave birth on the Friday c section he was off out to play football on the Monday I couldn't even walk properly at this point he just doesn't see anything but what suits him!! Xx

If he's always put football first then rather than wallowing about the stag do, you'd be better telling him exactly how you feel. If you feel he is not involved or present enough in family life then you need to tell him exactly this. Don't waver on it. Thing is, if you let him off the hook then this sort of thing will become the norm and he can more or less conduct life as a man without family responsibilities as he knows you'll always be there to pick up the slack with no fuss about it.

Why don't you have money for bread? Don't you have access to money?

I have told him that's how I feel, he knows I think it comes first, he's even admitted that's how it seems!!
No his wages go into his bank and I have to ask for money if I need anything sometimes he'll leave the card xx

he accuses me of taking dd away from him

'We'll be here if you can be bothered to be. If not, we'll get on with our lives... which you seem to choose not to want to be too much of at the moment. Up to you!'