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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he bu and self centred or am I?

52 replies

chargedup77 · 18/06/2019 11:59

Aibu to think this is ridiculous or aibu?
"D" p is going away on a stag do Thursday - Saturday and possible till Sunday but won't know till they get there, anyhow he went to play a game of football with friends yesterday evening ( didn't see dd awake at all yday ) and he's going again tonight, he's got the day off tomorrow so we will see him tomorrow day/ night basically I'm getting at Is am I over reacting for being pissed off or is he selfish for going to play both nights when he's away 4 days?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 18/06/2019 12:59

It appears you are worrying over the wrong issue here. Football and a stag are nothing in comparison to having to ask for money FOR BREAD! - I'm not shouting I'm just astounded. That's seriously not on. Do you work? Do you have any money of your own or are you quite literally dependent on him?

Ellisandra · 18/06/2019 13:06

Yep, you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

I actually agree with him about you taking his child away if you go to your mum’s with her if you’ve had a row. You can’t complain that he’s not home with his child because of football, but think it’s fine for her not to see him because you bugger off when you’ve had an argument!

Either sort things out - together - or make you going to your mum’s permanent. It’s not going to get you anywhere just going there after an argument - it just looks like a childish flounce, and he knows just to wait it out (playing football) until you come back.

This week as a one off in a healthy relationship? Not a big deal.

This week on top of having NO money... why are you with him?

Original poster
chargedup77 · 18/06/2019 13:08

Yes I did, I had to ring him and ask where the card was which is with him, alls he says is I should have told him I needed bread, so whilst he's out most of the week spending over 250 on a stag I've had to ask for a pound loaf of bread!!
The only income I have is child benefit which doesn't go far xx

OP posts:
itsallgoingsouth · 18/06/2019 13:09

Wait a minute, you don't have access to funds and have to ask him for money? He puts footie before family. Some things never change....

ThatsUnusual · 18/06/2019 13:12

If you're needing to 'ask' him for £1 for bread then football is the least of your worries.

birthdaymayhem · 18/06/2019 13:17

What @ThatsUnusual said with bells on!

StoppinBy · 18/06/2019 13:17

If this was my child's father I would feel very sad for them. I feel sad for her that her Dad doesn't want to spare time for her, the older she gets, the more aware she will become.

Lazypuppy · 18/06/2019 13:17

You're worring about completely the wrong thing, why the hell do you not have access to the bank account?

QueenofmyPrinces · 18/06/2019 13:17

You should be worrrying about your financial set-up, not how often he plays football.

You having to ask him for money is very wrong and very concerning.

Would he give you a couple of hundred pounds to go away with your friends if the opportunity came up?

Napqueen1234 · 18/06/2019 13:31

You're overreacting. He plays football twice a week- agreed between you already. Normal healthy hobby. This week he also has a stag do which presumably you knew about. As long as its not every week you can't berate him for having plans one week.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/06/2019 13:33

Having to ask for money for bread is appalling OP, and not at all normal in a marriage. Is he leaving you with no access to money while he's away?

crosstalk · 18/06/2019 13:40

OP it seems you must just be the breeder, nursemaid, cook and cleaner, not a partner.

You need to get your financial shit together if you're begging him for money for a loaf of bread and don't have access to his money but are using your child benefit for things that don't necessarily benefit your DD..

The least he can do is give you access to his account. Does your DD like him? does she know him? Are you renting or does he own the home?

LemonTT · 18/06/2019 13:42

The fact that he is committed to his hobby isn’t really the issue. Lots of men and women do sports 3 or so times per week. Sometimes more. They go away with friends on top of that occasionally. They are good parents and partners.

The issue is whether you are really a partnership and by the sounds of it you aren’t. A partnership means you support each other emotionally and financially, committing time and money. Mutual agreement and compromise is what makes the partnership.

Personally I would be ok with the football but not the money. This is what needs to be discussed and you need to pick your time.

I would not try to address this before the trip. Chances are you will fight and fall out, he will go away and you will be distraught. Then you will make up without addressing the real issues. That would be another example of why your relationship is unequal.

Original poster
chargedup77 · 18/06/2019 13:52

Dd absolutely loves him, he's a good dad when he's here but absolutely rubbish at being a partner, shouted at me that I had post natal depression, told me he wanted to ask me to marry him but didn't because he's mum had caused problems between us. I've had a lot of nasty comments from his mum and a strained relationship, she often comes between me and partner and he just pretends he doesn't hear the comments, the stress of them coming got too much and I ended up going to hospital and told by the doctors that the chest pain I was experiencing is stress related from the visits! He has never said to her enough is enough, it seems every things okay as long as his boat isn't rocked,

OP posts:
Original poster
chargedup77 · 18/06/2019 13:53

We're definitely not a team it's him and then dd and me xx

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 18/06/2019 13:55

This prick is treating you as a free housekeeper and nanny. Wave him off on his trip with a smile and use the time he's away sorting out your options: could you and DD move back in with your parents for a while? Is DD old enough for nursery so that you could look for some part time work? Bear in mind that, as a single parent, you will get benefits, including working tax credits if you are able to work. If he is on DD's birth certificate he is legally liable to pay maintenance but men like this rarely do. Your best move is to cut him out of your lives as much as possible: yes, money will be tight but at least what money you have will be under your control.

ComeAndDance · 18/06/2019 13:56

Actually, having had a H who did that sort if thing, I think that the playing football 3 times a week and then going to the stag do is an issue.
Because it’s a symptom of the fact he is just not involved with his family and he never prioritises his family and his dc.

This shows with the money too. How is that ever right that the OP has to ask for 1 pound for a loaf of bread but he gets to go away spend hundreds on a stag do??

OP I agree that raising that issue now is likely to make you feel crap. I would however insist that he is transferring some money onto your account before leaving.. and not just £10 either.

Graphista · 18/06/2019 14:19

He isn't a good dad - a good dad spends time with their child and doesn't leave their mother short of money for basic food!

He's a shit as a father and a partner.

You'd be far far better off getting rid, financially and emotionally and even practically if he had contact as you'd get a break (which I very much doubt you do now)

Why are you putting up with this abuse? Where is your family in all this?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/06/2019 14:24

No his wages go into his bank and I have to ask for money

This is all kinds of wrong. You should have your own card/joint account.

The non-parenting is another issue. Swanning off got footie every other evening... he sounds like a child himself to be honest.

Mary1935 · 18/06/2019 14:39

Hi OP who owns the house, or do you rent. You are in an abusive relationship. Do you know how much he earns, how are the finances managed, who actually buys the food. I’d try and find a record of his finances and bank statements and photo copy them. Are you married.
He is NOT a good father - he’s a selfish entitled prick. His “mummy coming and telling you off” - it’s not on.
I’d pack my things and going stay with my family for two weeks.
Call woman’s aid too - look up the Freedom programme too.
Talk to your family - do not put up with years of this crap from him.🌺

mrsm43s · 18/06/2019 14:39

YABU about the football and the stag do. It sounds like a one off.

YANBU to want to have access to family finances. How are you going to be able to access money while he's away on the stag?

YABU to take his daughter away to your Mum's house every time you have an arguement.

You need to get together and discuss the terms of your relationship, sharing of money, free time etc. As a minimum, it would be a very wise idea for you to get a job so you have your own independent income coming in. Childcare costs to be split between you, of course.

Quartz2208 · 18/06/2019 15:44

Leave OP this isnt a relationship

JAMMFYesPlease · 18/06/2019 17:36

The football and stag do is the least of your problems, like ppl have said. The money is concerning. Its financial abuse. You shouldn't have to ask for £1 for a loaf of bread and made to feel like it's your fault for not asking for money in the first place. You just shouldn't have to ask if you're both a team. He clearly doesn't view you as a partner.

Please do you and your DD a favor and LTB. She does not need to grow up seeing this is how she can expect to be treated by men.

swingofthings · 18/06/2019 17:44

You're over-reacting and seem too dependent on him to feel happy. This week is an usual one because of the stag. Yes he will only put your DD to bed once this week, but that's really no big deal. It would be if it was every week.

You seem very resentful of him having a hobby and that's why he is reacting in annoyance. Why don't you find an activity you enjoy once a twice a week too and then the rest you can enjoy together.

LakieLady · 18/06/2019 18:08

The money thing is shocking. Supposing you had to get somewhere in an emergency, eg doctor's? You wouldn't be able to pay for a taxi. Or needed Calpol because DD was running a temperature.

The footie thing would piss me off too, tbh, but the money situation is so much worse.

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