Should I tell my brother what his girlfriend says or keep out!

[Somethingsosimple]

My db has been with girlfriend for a couple of years. They both late 30’s with good incomes and no family. My mum is lovely ( I know I’m biased) but would do anything for anyone to get on and would never interfere. My mum has always got on really well with my brother until recent times and I have a feeling that his girlfriend is driving a wedge. My brothers girlfriend had a unhappy childhood whereas as I think our childhood was pretty great. My brothers girlfriend has told my mum in confidence that my brother hated his childhood and told her that he hated my mum’s overprotectiveness. This is all news to her and is deeply upset her know this. She has also said to my mum that my brother doesn’t like her visiting their home. My mum doesn’t want to rock the boat but I’m so upset and want to ask him why she would say these things. My brother’s girlfriend can be very sweet to my mum when everyone is around which makes it worse. My brother seems to be distancing himself from all of us so I’m wondering if I should just keep out and accept he has made his choice?

Tell him but do it gently with no expectation that he does anything beyond just knowing what your mum has been told.

She might be isolating your brother, but it’s also possible your brother did n’t enjoy his childhood. Sadly there’s not much you do, just keep communication channels open.

I would, while alone with him, start a convo about your childhoods.
You should then be able to glean whether he thinks that he had a happy childhood or not.
If it turns out that he thinks that he had a happy childhood then i would be having words with his g.f.

I would be asking the brother why he doesn't like your mother to visit and is there any way you can help to explain why. That should be enough to figure out if its true or not. tbh I feel the girlfriend has taken a dislike to your mother for some reason as there is really no need to tell her what she did. What did she hope to achieve from it.

If the sexes were reversed it would be immediately picked up on that the partner was controlling. I suspect that she is controlling and very manipulative too. I'd speak to your brother and find out what's going on.

Just ask him.

Your brother's girlfriend is a nasty slippery piece of work from what I can tell

I’d say to my brother I had no idea he was unhappy growing up and was sad that he had felt unable to talk about it with me. I suspect he’ll ask you what the hell you are on about and then you can say straight up, well that’s what your GF told Mum

I think I'd find a way of bringing this up, gently, with your brother. You need to do it in a way that allows him to tell you whether he does feel those things. If he does, then it's his choice to add some distance. Of course, if these things didn't come from him, then he need to know what his gf is saying. Just because you had a happy childhood, doesn't mean that he feels he did.

Ooh she sounds like a manipulative little cow. Go careful OP! Don't say anything to her because you know she will twist it.

Your brother's girlfriend should not have said that to your mother. What was her motive and what did she get out of telling? It was bitchy and I'm not surprised your mum was upset.

He may well have said his mother was over protective and he hated that, a lot of people feel the same, but I would bet he said no more than that.

As suggested, do probe this with your brother and you'll get the truth.

I would have a chat with my brother in a nice way as he may not of said any of these things or be aware that such things are being said to your mum, the the poor bloke isn't even able to defend himself, or to offer a reasoning for his feelings of true. Very unfair for him to be in the dark about these conversations.

I wouldn't beat around the bush or over complicate the conversation either, just nicely approach the subject and see what he has to say...

I think what has upset me the most is the fact she told my mum. Ít he confided in her then it shouldn’t of been repeated. We all say things to our partners but it was the fact he didn’t ask her to tell my mum

She's manipulating him and trying to isolate him. At the moment he is probably trying to keep her happy so as not to cause drama.
I'd, along with dm, speak to your db alone and tell him what has been said and how it makes you feel. Tell him you are worried.

I would tell my brother. I'd be very, very pissed off an unable to control my emotions and probably fly off the rail so good on you for seeking advice before deciding what to do

I agree that the best way would be to sit brother down alone and express concern and do it in a very calm way (unlike I would), this will just add ammunition that you are a lovely person and GF is trying to manipulate the situation. At least then he can make his own decision with all the information, and you then know if he is staying away it is partly his choice too.

What a sad situation to be in, sorry OP

What a horrible thing to do to pass on things said in private, to the subject of those discussions. This is usually self-serving activity by people who love drama.

And if anyone ever asks you, "do you want to know what XYZ has been saying about you?", the correct answer is, "I do not, if they had wanted me to know, they'd have told me themselves."

Speak to your brother.

If I were the brother I'd definitely want that conversation.

That's terrible. I can't begin to imagine how your mum must feel.
Yes, you should find a time when you're guaranteed to see him alone (face to face of course) and gently and calmly ask him about how he feels about your mum, and lead into what his gf said.

I agree to it probably being a one off comment, not a complete criticism of his childhood. Maybe she heard it as that as she had such a hard time herself, maybe he'd said it to share common ground, but I'd still chat to him.

I would definitely speak to my brother away from his girlfriend.

I would come at it from the angle that what the GF has said is true (whether you believe that or not). Tell him you are concerned that you didn't know that he'd had unhappy experiences in childhood and didn't have a good relationship with your Mum.

I wouldn't come from an angle that in anyway appears to be defensive or attacking his GF. You need the truth and if he feels under threat he may simply defend his GF and you will be none the wiser.

If my partner told me something personal about his childhood, I would absolutely not go straight to his parents and tell them!

This sounds very suspicious to me.

Whether or not he did express feelings about his mum being overprotective or visiting too much, she definitely should not be saying those things to your mum.

I'd have a conversation with him, like pp suggested - maybe just an open conversation about your childhood to see what his feelings are. But yes, I'd tell him - it sounds sinister and she has broken his trust.

She seems nasty!

oh dear, this is not good news! at best, she is repeating stuff she has been told in confidence and clearly not meant to be repeated, at worst she is making stuff up or distorting it, either way, she is trying to drive a wedge, sorry OP

I doubt he said it, or he may have said that your Mum was protective compared to her parents but didn't necessarily mean that he had a terrible childhood. She is probably telling him that you and your Mum have said things that you have not if you have noticed him drawing away. If she's had a terrible childhood she's might be very insecure and/or controlling of personal relationships.

I would definitely ask your brother about it. I would say that your Mum is upset enough to discuss it with you, about what his GF said to her and can he explain it to you please. In a way that is protective of your Mum not in a way that accuses his GF. See what he has to say.