Should I tell my brother what his girlfriend says or keep out!

[Somethingsosimple]

My db has been with girlfriend for a couple of years. They both late 30’s with good incomes and no family. My mum is lovely ( I know I’m biased) but would do anything for anyone to get on and would never interfere. My mum has always got on really well with my brother until recent times and I have a feeling that his girlfriend is driving a wedge. My brothers girlfriend had a unhappy childhood whereas as I think our childhood was pretty great. My brothers girlfriend has told my mum in confidence that my brother hated his childhood and told her that he hated my mum’s overprotectiveness. This is all news to her and is deeply upset her know this. She has also said to my mum that my brother doesn’t like her visiting their home. My mum doesn’t want to rock the boat but I’m so upset and want to ask him why she would say these things. My brother’s girlfriend can be very sweet to my mum when everyone is around which makes it worse. My brother seems to be distancing himself from all of us so I’m wondering if I should just keep out and accept he has made his choice?

That is so awful, what on Earth could be a good reason for her to tell your mum something so upsetting!?

I'd definitely tell your brother what she said because it's just horrible for a mum to hear that and he needs to own it.

Horrible thing for his GF to do.

Your Mum and brother’s relationship is between them. I’d encourage your mum to tell him, in person, what is gf said and that this has upset her.

If there have been changes in his relationship with YOU, you could speak to him about that, and try to see him without his GF.

I have a brother who changes for whoever he is with. He would play up that he's a victim to his girlfriend or whatever in a situation exactly like this just for the attention. I wouldn't take it so seriously OP if your brother is like mine. Most likely his gf complained about her childhood and he said his was bad too so he could be sympathetic/get attention from her. If I tried to confront my brother about this it would just start an argument. I think if he hasn't mentioned anything to you in his whole life about hating his childhood then this is bs because you definitely would have heard something by now. For that reason I would keep out, you're not going to get anything from discussing this with him and there's a good chance it's all nonsense.

My DB had a gf like this. It may be manipulation it may not be. If you think she’s manipulative then you don’t really need to talk to her. Be polite but go through your DB for everything important in terms of invitations / events etc.

Even if your brother does think all that,if he wanted his mum to know he can tell her himself! What an absolute weasel yes I would tell your brother but as a pp said,just the facts and leave it to him to sort out with your mum.

I think you should proceed as others have suggested. The other thing to consider if she is stirring, is what she has said to your brother about your Mum and/or yourself.

I’d simply tell his GF not to upset your mother like that. It’s out of order and she needs to know that.

Tell him if you like, it might not make any difference.

I would advise you to be slightly wary about what your mum told you.

I had a boyfriend who had been very close to his mother and was the youngest child. When I came along it was his first serious relationship. His mother was lovely to my face but with hindsight - probably resentful her son was spending less time with her. He originally wanted us to get on well and was initially always trying to get us together.

She was always calling around and had her own key. He wanted her to not come around all the time and make negative comments inferring I was incapable of keeping the house tidy and that it was my job to do so. He felt smothered by her but never directly said anything to her. I was frustrated when she tried to control our lives.

She called around whilst I was out and was 'sorting through my things' - it was actually my house and she was looking at private family stuff. I turned up and asked her what she thought she was doing. It got a bit heated and I told her it was my house and I didn't want her coming in when no one was home. She got very upset, we talked quite a bit and I thought we had it sorted.

The next thing I knew was his sister had blew up at my boyfriend because I'd upset his mum. He got really annoyed at me and we split up. His mother had twisted everything I'd said.

She was most likely responsible for ruining several of his subsequent relationships and they are now low contact which his family all blame his wife for.

I imagine that she is really hoping that someone speaks to your brother, so that she can 'prove' to him that you have all got it in for her. Because there is no way that she will admit to this 'in confidence' conversation
A similar thing happened In my in laws family, and the son didn't speak to his mother for about 10 years (when they split up)
My advice is to smile and say nothing. There a no good reason she would have said that if she wasn't trying provoke a fight. You can bet she will have told your brother that she feels you are scheming against her and don't like her. If you say anything she will say it is proof.
Be canny. Say nothing

Maybe your brother played down his happy childhood to have something in common with her.

She was wicked to tell your mother.
I would definitely tell her she was out of line & would say it in front of your brother.

So my DM was overprotective and wanting to know what I was up to 24/7 (even after I left home) and I didn't like it and have often told people about it.
But I had a wonderful childhood and had wonderful loving parents and a happy family, it doesn't stop me ever saying , "Oh my Dad used to infuriate me", or "My Mum was so nosey!"
Do you think that your DB's girlfriend is very envious of his happy family background, and has picked up on a remark he has made and wants to bring him down (and your Mum too) so she feels better about herself.
Leave it for the time being and see if anything else is said to your Mum. Then re-think how to proceed,

Ít he confided in her then it shouldn’t of been repeated. We all say things to our partners but it was the fact he didn’t ask her to tell my mum

How do you know this? He may have known she was going to say.

I think peoooe are jumping to conclusions here, it could easily be she was trying to help your mother understand her sons axtions and he knew she was telling her.

I'd keep out. Your mother is a grown woman and she can't take rhe discussion with her own son.

I think also the fact your mother has come bleating to you but hasn't raised it with her own son speaks volumes, if they were close she have done so immediately.

So I'd suspect indeed something is wrong in their relationship

Assuming your mother's parenting was in the normal range, which your post suggest, I have observed something about adult attitudes to the way their parents brought them up: Freudian parental blame has become almost habitual. Adult children rarely reflect on the fact that their parents were often driven by circumstances beyond their control - economic necessity, innate character etc, so could not have parented differently. They did their best within those predetermined parameters. Realising this is important for adult children wanting a mature relationship with their parents. In your situation, we don't know what really was or was not said by your brother, but his girlfriend's decision to communicate this message to his mother was cruel and, I think, immature for a woman in her late 30s. Consequently, I am inclined to think that he didn't say this. Or he said something but didn't mean what she suggested.

What we don't know, and this is critical for you deciding what to do next, is how besotted your brother is with his girlfriend. Even if he didn't say these things, he will probably not absorb the message you want him to if he is unable to hear criticism of his girlfriend. This may drive you further apart. It is a tricky situation that needs careful navigation.

Too many assumptions and appear to be vilifying the girlfriend (there are many mothers who also twist conversations to suit themselves also). Ask the girlfriend about it ..then make an informed decision

That is a very divisive thing for her to do. I wonder if your brother is aware she's said this to your mum.

I would arrange to go out with your brother, just the two of you, and try to get to the bottom of this.

The way I'm reading this is that she's trying to cut your brother off from his family.

The girlfriend sounds like pure poison! Sorry if that sounds strong but think about why she is saying such things to your DM. Even if your DB has confided things that he didn't like about his childhood to her (and all of us, even those of us with very happy families can have gripes) why on earth is she deliberately telling your DM?

Your DM cannot really do anything about childhood complaints now and I'd be surprised if your DB wanted his GF to do this anyway. I'm guessing he was confiding in her (if he really did say anything) thinking she would keep his confidence - which is why the GF has asked your DM to keep it confidential. I can't get my head around the idea of whispering such poisonous distressing information to your partner's parent. Anything I tell my DH about my parents he keeps to himself and vice versa.

I'm not sure the best way to proceed but if you are close to your DB I would have a private chat with him and explain how distressed your DM is. He may genuinely have issues with your DM and that's his right of course but he needs to know that his GF is saying things to her. She sounds like trouble to me...

I don't get what your brothers gf got out of telling your mum? 🤨 she sounds nasty and vindictive

We've had 30 years of this with my dbro's wife. Our dbro knew exactly what she was and unfortunately informing him or challenging her got us nowhere. She will play the victim and he will feel obliged to protect her.

Remain a united front, keep everything open between your family and don't engage in her madness and it will drive her up the wall. Keep calm when she ups the anti to try to isolate him.

Our "d"sil is almost an entertainment act at family get togethers now as she tries to provoke a reaction and we turn it around into a joke.

Talk to your brother but be careful about how you approach it.

From his point of view your convo will be My sister said that my mum said that my girlfriend said that I said to my girlfriend that my mum is overprotective and I had an unhappy childhood

Also, how long have they been together? I've been married nearly a decade and were together for three years before and although I get along really well with my PILs, I can't imagine starting a conversation with my MIL telling her all the things that her son complains about in his upbringing! I mean who does this?

I’d say to my brother I had no idea he was unhappy growing up and was sad that he had felt unable to talk about it with me. I suspect he’ll ask you what the hell you are on about and then you can say straight up, well that’s what your GF told Mum

This

I know my son has moaned about his neglectful childhood. Saying all he ever got to eat was ham sandwiches and fish fingers - all he would eat!!! other than roast meat meals. I was a single parent struggling with money but he wouldn't eat mince based meals or stews. For years he moaned about it every time he had a drink in the presence of my daughter and whatever girlfriend he was currently with.

More recently I challenged him about it - in a lighthearted way. He laughed and said - 'I was a twat. I felt hard done to and that everyone else had it easy compared to me. I have grown up now' or words to that effect.

Of course he will have a whinge, no one's childhood is perfect and most people have a grumble about something.
However, she has overstepped this mark, she is reinforcing any of his negativity and trying to drive a wedge. And this is very difficult to counteract.

I don't get what your brothers gf got out of telling your mum?

Drives a wedge between mother and son and son starts to rely on gf more thus giving her more control over him.

I suspect he’ll ask you what the hell you are on about and then you can say straight up, well that’s what your GF told Mum

Or he will say, what the fuck is mum doing talking to you about it and not me, doesn't it prove the point" and the whole thing will get worse.

She could be a lying bitch or it could be that your DBS childhood wasn’t as happy as yours. A set of circumstances and parents that are great for one child may not suit another child as well.

I would keep out of this. If your Mum wants to discuss this with DB and/or the GF that’s down to her. I don’t think a 4th person getting caught up in who said what to who when, in confidence or otherwise, will make things any better. You can be a listening ear and shoulder to cry on for your mum if you want but don’t get drawn into taking sides.