Should I tell my brother what his girlfriend says or keep out!

[Somethingsosimple]

My db has been with girlfriend for a couple of years. They both late 30’s with good incomes and no family. My mum is lovely ( I know I’m biased) but would do anything for anyone to get on and would never interfere. My mum has always got on really well with my brother until recent times and I have a feeling that his girlfriend is driving a wedge. My brothers girlfriend had a unhappy childhood whereas as I think our childhood was pretty great. My brothers girlfriend has told my mum in confidence that my brother hated his childhood and told her that he hated my mum’s overprotectiveness. This is all news to her and is deeply upset her know this. She has also said to my mum that my brother doesn’t like her visiting their home. My mum doesn’t want to rock the boat but I’m so upset and want to ask him why she would say these things. My brother’s girlfriend can be very sweet to my mum when everyone is around which makes it worse. My brother seems to be distancing himself from all of us so I’m wondering if I should just keep out and accept he has made his choice?

Have a chat with your brother but be open minded to the possiblilities that a) your brother wasn't happy in childhood the way you were and doesn't think as highly as you do of your mum or b) your brother has told his gf this in some misguided attempt to make her feel better about her own childhood.

It could be she’s stirring.

It could be your brother was genuinely unhappy during his childhood.

It could be your mum has exaggerated something the girlfriend said to him out of all proportion.

I definitely would talk to brother for clarification.

Do you understand why your brother is unable to communicate with his mother, why he is not visiting and why your mother is unable to talk to him about this? And why she's talked to you instead?

This is all shades of wrong. You understand if everything was as good as you think your mother would be able to ask her own son about it?

I am sure others will mention the horrific documentary " Abused by my girl friend " ( not sure if I got the title right). I have no advice to offer as the situation you are in might be very different. Perhaps google the programme and watch it

My DH has a lot of issues with his DM and almost cut her out all together. He only bothers with her now out of duty and constantly moans about her behind her back.
I think she's a cow too BUT it's not my place to go and tell her that!

The gf sounds vicious to hurt your mum like that. If your brother really had a problem, he should have spoken to her himself.
It does sound like manipulation and you need to speak to him about it.

From his point of view your convo will beMy sister said that my mum said that my girlfriend said that I said to my girlfriend that my mum is overprotective and I had an unhappy childhood

This. A half kept secret just turns into a clusterfuck of Chinese whispers. Too many links in the chain so take your link out and tell your mum to talk to DB directly.

If DB said anything to his GF, from "haha she still asked if we'd brushed our teeth till we were 30 but we love her" to "we were chained in the cellar till we were 18" and said or implied that this was in confidence, then he is going to feel betrayed by everyone if his GF, mum and sister all spew it to each other, or even to him (you may be the messenger that gets shot).

I think that your mother should be the one to raise it with him (ideally). Failing that I would talk to your brother. Perhaps he was half heartedly joining in with a conversation about childhoods in order to make her feel more reassured about hers (i.e. well mine wasn't all roses either....my mum was so overprotective). Even if he did say those things, the fact that she's telling your mum outlines a hidden agenda. Your mother may have broken her confidence in telling you what she said, but equally she has broken your brother's confidence. Your mother should ask or write a letter saying how sorry she is that he had such a bad childhood and see what he says .

Do exactly as @Pensy suggests ....just come out with it quite innocently. Don't shroud it in whispers and secrecy, that's her power and manipulation.
If he had had a rotten childhood, you'd have known about it OP. If he didn't want his mum coming over, he's a big grown up boy now and surely could've told his mum himself.
She's a nasty one who wants to be the only female in his life.

I'm so sorry, I could have written this. Over the years it has just got worse and it breaks our hearts to see what he has done to his own mother after such a wonderful childhood. It doesn't get easier you just learn to accept it. We have found not interfering is what the parents want and have had to accept it, but it is awful.

You cannot guarantee your brother doesn’t feel like this unless you’ve discussed your childhood at length. If you have a difficult dynamic in your family, you may not have noticed - especially if it turned out you were the golden child.

Had my dh said to my mother that I was unhappy as a child, she would discuss her upset with my brother and they’d then bitch about me but deny this to themselves - they’d just be “talking about the situation”. I’ve written extensively on here about my childhood yet my brother sees his childhood so very differently. There was a massive inequality between the way we were treated. Yet my mother totally denies this and has told me I bullied my abusive brother.

I agree with the softly softly approach suggested I’d say to my brother I had no idea he was unhappy growing up and was sad that he felt unable to talk about it with me.