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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel 'wedding'

64 replies

ButtercupSun · 17/06/2019 13:02

Me + DP are getting married at the end of the year. Small registry office type of thing. We've decided not to invite family (previous post) and just pick 1-2 people each, mainly just as witnesses.

DP chose his brother, I've yet to choose anyone. Anyway, DP's brother is trying to change how we plan on doing things.

As it stands, we plan on no stag/hen party, no dress or suits, just popping to registry office, get married, the 2 of us go for a quiet meal, spend a bit of time with the kids before we go away for the weekend.

His brother wants him to have a stag the night before, to get completely drunk and do drugs (DP experimented when younger with brother), keeps pushing for his GF to be my guest/witness, wants him and DP to wear suits, all of us to go out drinking afterwards, and have a bit of a party with friends and family. He's being really pushy with it all and I feel like DP is going to agree to it just to make him happy.

But this whole thing is making me want to cancel, I don't want DP to be off his face when we're getting married, I don't want to look like an idiot in jeans and a nice top while they are both in suits, I don't want his GF, who I don't even know, to be there over someone of my choice, or to go drinking afterwards, or a party that I can't invite my family to.

All I want to do is get married, I don't care about any of the other bits and pieces that usually go along with it, and when we were discussing and planning it, so did DP.

Any advice? Please be nice :)

OP posts:
sprinkleofsunshine · 17/06/2019 13:06

Your wedding, your rules. Have you mentioned any of this to DP?

He shouldn't 'just agree' to make him happy over the wishes of his future wife. Tell him your not happy and want to go along with the plans you've already decided on.

Theimpossiblegirl · 17/06/2019 13:08

I'd change the date or go on holiday and tie the knot, just you. The brother is trying to take over and use your wedding as an excuse to get shit faced. Do what you want, it's your wedding.
How does your partner feel?

Broombroomshaketheroom · 17/06/2019 13:11

Why do you want to marry him OP? With family like that who could even twist his arm over a wedding that wasn't anything to do with them, I'd run a mile.

Before you have a huge inlaw problem and a dh problem.

maxelly · 17/06/2019 13:12

Urgh, his Bro sounds a treat! If you want to be married, I would still get married but tell Bro it's off. Go to the registry office without telling anyone, ask if the registry can provide witnesses (sometimes they'll do this) or bring along a couple of friends that can be trusted to keep their mouths shut? Or I've seen people ask on here for witnesses (post your area and time of marriage), or just pull people off the street? Then just don't mention to your family you are actually married until much later (if ever!) and the dust has settled? It's just as legally binding either way!

DCDA · 17/06/2019 13:13

You’ve told future BIL what your plans are, that’s it, final. Unless your partner has changed his mind I don’t see the problem.

SurfingGiantess · 17/06/2019 13:13

I think you need to talk to your DP about it. Say things are changing and that's not how you two had organised things. You can't do anything about the stag that's up to him but possibly not the night before.
The rest isn't up to his brother at all. So talk to him and tell him to stand up to his brother. It's not his wedding but you and your partners.

MaMaMaMySharona · 17/06/2019 13:14

I don't understand why your DP hasn't just shut him down - it's none of his business how you two decide to get married.

If he wants a piss-up, can't they just organise that for another time? Unrelated to the wedding?

SrSteveOskowski · 17/06/2019 13:15

Tell the bother that the wedding is canceled, then just you and DH to be turn up at the registry office that day and get two witnesses in off the street.
It'll all be over before he knows anything about it and there's nothing he can do then.

SrSteveOskowski · 17/06/2019 13:15

Brother not bother. Although in this case.....

thecatsthecats · 17/06/2019 13:16

I would sit down and ask him if he still wants the sort of wedding you agreed to, because it seems like his brother has the wrong idea?

In a 'big' wedding, the people who are in the wedding party should be people you love - and people who will help you have a day you'll love - because they will help you host. It's even more significant in an intimate wedding because they're a far bigger proportion of the people there!

Damntheman · 17/06/2019 13:19

DP needs to shut his brother down and firmly too.

I'd second just taking the kids on holiday to Gretna Green or somewhere and eloping quietly. You don't even need to take your own witnesses to Gretna, passers by will do ;) My brother did this, apparently it was lovely! They're still very happy with their choice.

thecatsthecats · 17/06/2019 13:19

I don't understand why your DP hasn't just shut him down - it's none of his business how you two decide to get married.

To be fair, if the DP is the type to be swung by his brother, then he is probably also the type to say yes to what the OP wants, without any firm opinions of his own.

My husband has similar traits - if I said, 'Ooh, I'd love a quiet wedding, just the two of us and witnesses, how romantic', then he'd probably agree. Then when he spoke to his mum, he'd then agree with her too. It takes him a long time to arrive at firm opinions about things because he's a people pleaser who's highly suggestible (though fortunately he has a cast iron tendency not to commit to anything without discussing with me anyway!).

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 17/06/2019 13:21

What does your fiance actually want. That is key here. I would personally reconsidering if he actually wants to start his married life off his face on drugs.
If he's just trying to appease his brother I would worry he won't be able to grow a spine about other matters.
I don't know the reasons why you can't have your family there but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to exclude hos family too.
Eloping completely may be the best option however.

SummerInSun · 17/06/2019 13:24

This is simple - your soon to be DH says to his brother "that's your idea of a great wedding, so that's what I'll happily do with you when you get married, and I won't try to talk you into doing what I am doing. But I am doing it the way my fiancée and I want it. If would mean a lot to me if you'd be the witness as I hoped, but if you can't see your way to do that, no worries, I'll pick someone else".

werideatdawn · 17/06/2019 13:25

Yes I would cancel and then think very carefully about staying with someone who can't stick up to a manipulative drug user..

tuxedocatsintophats · 17/06/2019 13:32

I'd cancel this and not marry a man who is so easily manipulated by his brother.

ravenmum · 17/06/2019 13:35

I would wonder if he really did want the wedding he agreed to.
Does he tend generally to just go along with things and not say what he wants? Who is it he's not standing up to, his brother or you?
(Sorry, I'm a bt suspicious of this kind of thing, as my ex claimed many years down the line that he had never wanted to marry and I had "made him", the little toad!)

If he really is on the same page I'd suggest booking a date in Denmark. daenemarkheiraten.de/en/

HolesinTheSoles · 17/06/2019 13:35

I would just tell DP that you absolutely don't want any of those things. A stag the night before is a ridiculous idea and if you have kids coming then how will an after wedding drinking session work. If he wants to go out drinking with his brother he can do so at a time not near your wedding. I'd be seriously annoyed if my future DH wasn't able to stand up to his brother.

HollowTalk · 17/06/2019 13:37

I wouldn't want to marry into that family. If your fiance can't stand up for himself now then I wouldn't marry him. Who the hell wants to marry someone who's off their head on their wedding day?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 17/06/2019 13:38

Nothing wrong with them having a bender a brotherly stag do - just not the night before. Maybe a fortnight before.

But stick with your plans for the wedding if that is what you both want. BIL probably thinks it lacks a sense of occasion and is hopefully just erroneously motivated by trying to make it nice for you. Not his call - he can get with it or DP picks another witness.

OrdinarySnowflake · 17/06/2019 13:40

sit your DP down, start again with a blank slate - does he really want a jeans and no guests wedding? If so, then he needs to tell DB that there is not a wedding, but a witness to a marriage, if he doesn't feel happy with that, then DP will ask someone else to be his witness, but that there are no guests at all (including his GF), the brother is a witness, not guest.

But be certain your DP isn't just going along with what you want and really would like something a bit more celebratory.

If you can't agree on this, perhaps going away with the DCs and book a wedding there, asking some hotel staff to be witnesses?

Bearbehind · 17/06/2019 13:40

The only bit I think you are BU about is inviting even 1 or 2 people as guests.

You said you just want you and DH to go out afterwards so what do you expect the witnesses to do, especially if you are not inviting their partners.

Just get a couple of randoms to be witnesses and be done with it.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 17/06/2019 13:40

No way on this earth would I undertake the commitment of marriage to somebody who had drunk heavily and done drugs the night before! It's too important a commitment for that.

StCharlotte · 17/06/2019 13:43

I agree with SummerInSun.

If that's the kind of wedding the brother wants, he can marry his girlfriend and do that but your wedding, very much your rules. Don't let your DP give in and, yes, I've heard Gretna Green do a great job.

SandyY2K · 17/06/2019 13:44

Why isn't a simple No to his brother enough?
Is he a bit of a pushover? I can't imagine someone trying to tell me what to wear for my wedding and forcing a hen do on me.

He should tell his brother, that he can have a stag do when he gets married, but it's not what he wants.

I'd be rather worried that my fiance seems incapable of asserting himself.