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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel 'wedding'

64 replies

ButtercupSun · 17/06/2019 13:02

Me + DP are getting married at the end of the year. Small registry office type of thing. We've decided not to invite family (previous post) and just pick 1-2 people each, mainly just as witnesses.

DP chose his brother, I've yet to choose anyone. Anyway, DP's brother is trying to change how we plan on doing things.

As it stands, we plan on no stag/hen party, no dress or suits, just popping to registry office, get married, the 2 of us go for a quiet meal, spend a bit of time with the kids before we go away for the weekend.

His brother wants him to have a stag the night before, to get completely drunk and do drugs (DP experimented when younger with brother), keeps pushing for his GF to be my guest/witness, wants him and DP to wear suits, all of us to go out drinking afterwards, and have a bit of a party with friends and family. He's being really pushy with it all and I feel like DP is going to agree to it just to make him happy.

But this whole thing is making me want to cancel, I don't want DP to be off his face when we're getting married, I don't want to look like an idiot in jeans and a nice top while they are both in suits, I don't want his GF, who I don't even know, to be there over someone of my choice, or to go drinking afterwards, or a party that I can't invite my family to.

All I want to do is get married, I don't care about any of the other bits and pieces that usually go along with it, and when we were discussing and planning it, so did DP.

Any advice? Please be nice :)

OP posts:

TheClitterati · 17/06/2019 14:46

your DP should tell his brother they can do all that when HE gets married. And for now he should wind his neck in if he wants to be involved at all.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 17/06/2019 14:55

Sorry, but I'm not clear who it is you think "could" be violent and who you are "afraid of even though we do get on." Are you talking about the brother or your dp?
Either way, I would be having a re-think if I were you.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/06/2019 14:59

I'd change the date or go on holiday and tie the knot, just you. The brother is trying to take over and use your wedding as an excuse to get shit faced. Do what you want, it's your wedding.
How does your partner feel?

YouJustDoYou · 17/06/2019 15:18

This is why we eloped.

Amibeingdaft81 · 17/06/2019 15:25

@YouJustDoYou

Because your DH was utterly spineless and couldn’t say to his brother - thanks but no thanks?

IHateUncleJamie · 17/06/2019 15:36

This all sounds like a LOT of potential hassle considering you want a very quiet wedding. Is the Register Office booked and paid for, or is it too late to tie the wedding in with your weekend away (not sure if dcs are coming to the wedding or weekend away?).

Having your future BIL there and risking him taking over because you’re scared of saying no to him is a recipe for disaster and NOT the way to start a marriage. You and your DP need to nip that in the bud right now and tell your future BIL that you’ve changed your minds.

Then go to Gretna or somewhere and have the wedding you both want.

ShowMeTheKittens · 17/06/2019 15:37

If you think there is a risk of your DP being persuaded to do drugs and accepting, maybe you should think twice about the whole thing.
My DP has a maverick brother but pretty certain he would never do drugs or that the bro would make him.
My DP knows I hate drugs for instance.
Really you just need to get married quietly and tell the bro he's not invited. Your partner should sort all this out. If he can't, call it off.

cochineal7 · 17/06/2019 15:40

I would suggest the DB can ask his GF to marry him and arrange it the way they like. But hands off your day.

Drum2018 · 17/06/2019 15:41

Cancel the plans you have and set it up for a different date, but do not tell anyone the date. You'll probably have no bother finding 2 Mumsnetters to be witnesses, as has been the case on here before. Seeing as you had just planned having a meal for yourself and Dh after the registry office, this would be a better idea as you won't feel obliged to ask Mumsnetters to tag along. If your BIL-to-be and other family members were witnesses surely they'd expect to be brought for the dinner. Keep it simple and please yourselves. Do not bow down to your appalling BIL.

ElektraUnchained · 17/06/2019 16:42

I would be very unhappy he was pandering to his brother in this way. Especially as he knows your feelings about him. Clearly he isn't sorted if he still wants to go out drug taking.

Have you and DP had a proper talk about this where you have said its the way we planned or nothing?

TooManyPaws · 17/06/2019 16:54

Two people I know popped into the registrar's with two friends who were visiting, "in order to see what slots they had free". Of course, it was already booked for them in secret and they were married there and then, all four of them in jeans and jerseys.

Why not change the date to bring it forward secretly, then get two mates to meet you 'for coffee in town' or whatever? A fait accompli and tell everyone else afterwards.

Anarchyshake · 17/06/2019 17:01

If I drank and took drugs the night before I was getting married, I'd spend the wedding hungover and on a comedown and would hate every minute of it.

Turner69 · 17/06/2019 18:10

I got married recently and had a few people close to me make suggestions and try to persuade me to do things slightly differently. I know they were all just doing so though out of love and because they wanted me to have the best time, so I was glad they did in the end (it was mainly around having things which I'd dismissed on the grounds of them seeming like too much "fuss", but I went with most of them in the end and they turned out to be absolutely worth it).

So I'm not of the opinion that no one should ever express a view about someone else's wedding. However, it sounds very much to me as though your DP's brother is trying to use your wedding as an excuse for him to have a big piss up and is being selfish. If he wants to go out and get drunk with your DP or throw a party he's free to do so, but it doesn't have to be your wedding!

If your DP is on the same page as you I think he will need to stand his ground and say, in a firm but totally pleasant and non-confrontational way, that it's just not what the 2 of you want for your wedding. The 1 thing I did stand my ground on with my bridesmaids was not having a big extravagant hen do. Once they realised I genuinely didn't want one they were very happy to just go for a few drinks and made sure we had a lovely evening. That's because they aren't complete arses though!

If you're genuinely worried about violence from your future BIL that's a more serious issue. Definitely get your DP to communicate your joint feelings to him, don't say anything to him yourself if you're concerned about some kind of retaliation.

Grumpyunleashed · 17/06/2019 19:32

Being antisocial grumps my wife and I eloped. We went to Gretna Green with no family knowledge or involvement.
People asked why I didn’t tell them? My reply - tough it’s our wedding and choice.

We had a civil service at the ‘Old Blacksmiths’ where we wore jeans but we saw other couples in full wedding kit. The venue laid on witnesses from startled visiting tourists and it was a lovely simple quite ceremony that gave us exactly what we wanted. We were particularly amused by the registrar giving the anvil a big biff with a hammer at the end of the ceremony.

Point is it’s your wedding and you must be happy.

As far as we were concerned the only catch was submitting the paperwork and I.D. proofs 28 days before the big day as the idea only occurred 35 days before the quiet simple happy event.

Good luck with you choice

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