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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel 'wedding'

64 replies

ButtercupSun · 17/06/2019 13:02

Me + DP are getting married at the end of the year. Small registry office type of thing. We've decided not to invite family (previous post) and just pick 1-2 people each, mainly just as witnesses.

DP chose his brother, I've yet to choose anyone. Anyway, DP's brother is trying to change how we plan on doing things.

As it stands, we plan on no stag/hen party, no dress or suits, just popping to registry office, get married, the 2 of us go for a quiet meal, spend a bit of time with the kids before we go away for the weekend.

His brother wants him to have a stag the night before, to get completely drunk and do drugs (DP experimented when younger with brother), keeps pushing for his GF to be my guest/witness, wants him and DP to wear suits, all of us to go out drinking afterwards, and have a bit of a party with friends and family. He's being really pushy with it all and I feel like DP is going to agree to it just to make him happy.

But this whole thing is making me want to cancel, I don't want DP to be off his face when we're getting married, I don't want to look like an idiot in jeans and a nice top while they are both in suits, I don't want his GF, who I don't even know, to be there over someone of my choice, or to go drinking afterwards, or a party that I can't invite my family to.

All I want to do is get married, I don't care about any of the other bits and pieces that usually go along with it, and when we were discussing and planning it, so did DP.

Any advice? Please be nice :)

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 17/06/2019 13:45

I feel like DP is going to agree to it just to make him happy

Who's getting married here?? You or the brother?

How hard is it to go 'Sounds great for your wedding mate but not for mine, me & Buttercup know what we want'?
And if he can't manage that, let BIL plan the shittest wedding ever, and don't turn up.

Original poster
ButtercupSun · 17/06/2019 13:45

Part of me wants to cancel and part wants to say it's cancelled and do it alone as some of you have said, however when I first met the brother a few months back, he told me he only shows his anger and aggression when people get on his bad side. We hadn't met until 4 months ago, due to my concerns with his past, violence and such. DP assures me he's on the right track now, having been to anger management and other such things. I do feel like if I said it was off he'd get annoyed/angry with me 'hurting' his brother. While I don't think he would do anything, I'm still quite afraid of him, even though we do get on.

I have also asked DP since we started planning, what he wanted to do, if there's anything he isn't happy with, and he said it's perfect how we planned.

OP posts:
northerngirl2012 · 17/06/2019 13:49

Think DP needs to say to his brother, its our way or we'll choose another witness.

Also, surely they can go out for drinks any night and call it what they want. Just not the night before your wedding!

GraceSlicksRabbit · 17/06/2019 13:50

Surely you’re confusing things by saying you’ve decided not to invite family but then making his brother part of the day?
This is one for your DP to tell his brother clearly what both of you want. If he can’t do that then you have a DP problem, not a BIL problem.

IM0GEN · 17/06/2019 13:52

Are you sure you want to marry this man ?

ginghamtablecloths · 17/06/2019 13:52

It's your wedding and you don't want any fuss. If future BIL wants a fuss let him do his eventual wedding his way but yours is not under his jurisdiction.

You must both stand up to him. Marry with a couple of other friends as witnesses instead. Tell bossy boots afterwards - "We did it our way, hard cheese, old chap."

Apolloanddaphne · 17/06/2019 13:53

Yous DP needs to be very firm with his brother. If he persists then may he needs to change his witness. Has he only recently come back into your DP's life too?

FizzyGreenWater · 17/06/2019 13:54

We hadn't met until 4 months ago, due to my concerns with his past, violence and such. DP assures me he's on the right track now, having been to anger management and other such things. I do feel like if I said it was off he'd get annoyed/angry with me 'hurting' his brother. While I don't think he would do anything, I'm still quite afraid of him, even though we do get on.

Jesus Christ.

Um, I think you need to have some serious rethinking.

How long have you been with your bf?

While it's your bf you'll be marrying and not his violent brother, if the dynamic is that this person will now be very much in your life to the extent that he's dictating your wedding and your bf will go along with what he says and you are too scared of potential violence to say anything, then you shouldn't be getting married at all.

In fact I'd be rethinking the relationship completely.

This isn't good.

crosstalk · 17/06/2019 13:57

Buttercup it's yours and Mr FutureButtercup to decide. If he's afraid of offending his brother (why, when he's told you future BIL is on the right track etc) he needs to put on his big man trousers. Sounds as if his bro is trying to kybosh things. I'd keep on with your plans, do what you want including getting the registry office to supply witnesses, , and get DP to tell his bro very kindly there'll be a time to party afterwards. Your kids will be looking forward to it - they won't want their dad bladdered at the ceremony.

SuzieQ10 · 17/06/2019 14:01

Would doing it while your away on holiday with your kids be a possibility?
Now that DP has invited the brother it will be uncomfortable to un-invite. I personally wouldn't do that.
Doing it 'away' might simplify things all round. Including why other family members on both sides are not invited.

Jaxhog · 17/06/2019 14:03

This is a test.

If he shuts his DB down and supports what you've already agreed - he's a keeper.

If he caves to his DB, call off the wedding. If it happens once, this will be the shape of your marriage.

Original poster
ButtercupSun · 17/06/2019 14:07

DP has alway been in contact with brother, just never with me and the kids

We've been together almost 6 years, I've always known about the brother and from the start, said I wasn't happy to meet him until he had sorted himself out, which DP understood.

We aren't inviting family unless they are chosen as witnesses, because my parents are divorced and won't attend if the other is there, DP decided not to have his family there if I couldn't have mine, he thought it wouldn't be fair even though I told him I was more than happy with him having his attend.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 17/06/2019 14:09

Cancel it. Do it again next time you are on holiday - can I recommend Crete next May school half-term? weather was perfect - people there are amazing.

Craftycorvid · 17/06/2019 14:13

I was going to say something along the lines of: ‘feel your pain! Choose what you do with any wedding, someone will get pissed off because they would like something different’. But the brother sounds a big issue. How much have you and your future DH talked about him and the family dynamic? Being scared to say no because of the potential reaction sounds worrying.

Craftycorvid · 17/06/2019 14:14

Meant to say ‘the brother sounds an even bigger issue’

H2OH20Everywhere · 17/06/2019 14:16

Tell him you've decided who you're witness is going to be, and thus there is no room for his gf. And what about you and your DP going out for dinner somewhere posh the night before - means his brother can't get a look in. If the brother wants to wear a suit that's fine, he's the one who'll be out of place.

The day is about you and your DP. You lay down the rules and no-one else.

Readytogogogo · 17/06/2019 14:17

There shouldn't be any debate about this at all. The answer from your DH to all suggestions from his brother should be 'No, that's not what we're doing'. The fact that he seems incapable of that is a huge red flag.

Littlechocola · 17/06/2019 14:17

What has your dp said?

Readytogogogo · 17/06/2019 14:17

DP, sorry

Bluerussian · 17/06/2019 14:30

You say you don't want family at your wedding yet your partner's brother is invited to play a big role.

The brother sounds unbelievably immature and his suggestions for the 'stag do' are totally inappropriate. Neither brother is a twenty year old I presume.

Just do the wedding on your own or, if partner is being difficult, cancel it. I wonder what you're getting yourself into.

Amibeingdaft81 · 17/06/2019 14:31

Advice?

Get your husband to become a fully fledged adult that isn’t sucked in to doing drinks and drugs the night before his wedding

Antigon · 17/06/2019 14:33

OP, you cannot agree to a wedding you don’t want to appease an aggressive man. Why is your confidence so low? Why aren’t you confident that your DP will back you up?

fecketyfeck21 · 17/06/2019 14:35

i wouldn't touch this family with a barge pole, a twat with a huge chip on his shoulder and a meek little brother who won't stand up for himself, christ it's got trouble written all over it. god forbid the marriage goes ahead in any shape or form.
i have 2 arsehole bils one thinks he's god and the other is a complete tosser, don't have any contact with either nor does dh, we like the drama free life .

Amibeingdaft81 · 17/06/2019 14:39

Tell the bother that the wedding is canceled, then just you and DH to be turn up at the registry office that day and get two witnesses in off the street.
It'll all be over before he knows anything about it and there's nothing he can do then.

Unbelievably spineless

SleepingStandingUp · 17/06/2019 14:39

You really need to talk to your DP.

Are you going to tell your brother no or are we cancelling? Mary is being my witness, and I've booked X for us and the kids the night before to have a meal together / Y has offered to babysit whilst you and I go to Xposhyplace

Tbh if I thought my fiance was likely to go out in any night and get high in drugs, I'd be reconsidering our future.