To not want to have my Mother waiting in the hospital while I’m in labour?

[AngeloMysterioso]

My DM and I have a bit of a complicated relationship which I’ve posted about a few times. I’m 21 weeks pregnant (first baby) and she is very excited as she doesn’t get to see any of my brother’s DC, and keeps on referring to my baby as her baby (had a thread on that not long ago) which I have been feeling uncomfortable with.

Last week she did it again and I just said “Could you not call it your baby?” She asked why not and I just said I felt a bit weird about it, that I’m her baby and this is my baby. She just dismissed it with an “Oh, for God’s sake!” type of remark.

Later on we were talking about when I’m in labour etc, and she said “I do hope I can get to the hospital when it’s happening. I might ask your DH to let me know.”
I said I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, that childbirth is probably tricky enough as it is without the added pressure having to worry about people pacing the waiting room wanting to come in as soon as the baby is here. She just got all huffy and said “you do feel weird about the strangest things!”

Is it strange? I just want to be able to get on with labour with my DH and have visitors when we’re good and ready! AIBU or is she?

I'd have given anything to have my wonderful mum in my delivery room. No one ever kept me calm the way she did, but very unfortunately for us both, she's no longer with us.

The idea that every woman in the entire country should share that view or otherwise be deemed 'strange' is one I can't compute. Not everyone was as fortunate as I was. Some mothers are not even worthy of the name; other daughters might like their mothers but not want them hanging around on the periphery of an intensely stressful, painful, deeply personal experience.

And that's entirely their choice. The mother is the patient who is undergoing a traumatic, invasive, major medical experience. What she's not there to do is provide front seats at a spectator sport.

OP I'd be inclined to stop answering calls at least a couple of weeks in advance, perhaps under the pretext that you're tired and need to rest and conserve your strength for when it's needed. Otherwise it's likely she's going to guess.

NB. I hate to generalize about an entire generation, but is there something about the baby-boomers/generation X that makes these people think they have carte blanche to control their children's parenting? Or was this kind of complaint commonplace before that?

No, I can categorically say, as a baby boomer, it wasn’t commonplace in my day and I don’t understand it. My stepson’s wife had her mother in the delivery room and I was appalled.

I love my mother dearly, we have a great relationship although we don’t physically see each other often due to distance. But she is a very anxious being and had traumatic crash sections with both my brother and I.
I need calm which my DH provides, my mother just makes me stressed in difficult situations as I have her anxiety to manage as well as my own. She would not make a good birth partner!
If I didn’t have my DH I’d genuinely prefer to be on my own.

I do wonder if this sort of thing stems from TV shows where all the friends and family are sitting there while someone is in labour. [...] Surely that isn't real life in any real hospital though!?

Unfortunately in America this is very much a 'thing'; or was when I lived there. If you don't want your delivery room infested with people you have to leave very specific instructions with the hospital staff that you are NOT open season and that any visitors should be kept out. You'd think security would be an issue - not least germs in the labouring room - as these seem to be issues British hospitals take very seriously.

Appalling, innit?

Gosh, I didn’t expect this many replies!

To the people asking about my brother- he and my Mum are NC for various reasons, it’s not a situation I’m involved in (despite her asking me to fight her battles for her on more than one occasion!).
She can be very overbearing and seems to want to be considered some sort of authority on pregnancy and parenthood- she was appalled when I said I was thinking of requesting an ELCS, rubbished my comment that not everybody is able to breastfeed, etc etc... when I said I’d had a spring clean of my flat she insisted I was nesting, even though I was only about 14 weeks pregnant at the time and since DH and I are moving soon the baby won’t ever even be here! Oh and of course the delightful message she sent me at Easter- “take care of my baby, and for you just put on baby, not fat!”.

And she wonders why I don’t want her there...

My MIL wanted to sit outside the labour ward while I was having my section. She got quite affronted when we said we'd rather she didn't. I have never been more grateful for restricted visiting hours in my life as it meant she was kept at bay by a locked door and midwives and had to abide by their rules.

My mum was the only person I wanted there. At that time in your life though, it is very much each to their own.

She’s batshit.

Start seeking boundaries now. She will get a lot worse once baby is here.

If she wont respect your boundaries then see less of her. Call and visit less often, don’t tell her anything personal.

Setting boundaries I mean

This! OP I'd be inclined to stop answering calls at least a couple of weeks in advance, perhaps under the pretext that you're tired and need to rest and conserve your strength for when it's needed Otherwise it's likely she's going to guess

Don't tell her when you go into labour.

You and your DH turn off your phones.

Tell the hospital staff that you do not want any visitors.

We have this concern with MiL - she already telling me ‘how things are in pregnancy’ (despite it being over 45 years since she last gave birth and over 35 years since she ‘worked’ on a maternity unit - she was a cleaner not a midwife or anything involved in the physical management of women in labour!!) Initially we had deliberately chosen a hospital she didn’t want us going to (various reasons but a big one was the difficulty for people to get there by public transport to visit!!) but have had to move to ‘her choice’ - really wouldn’t have if it wasn’t the only other hospital within an hours drive of home!!

Anyway, as we are going to have twins by c section and they are going to be here around 36-37 weeks we plan on not giving the correct date that we will be booked in to anyone so we aren’t inundated with phone calls and demands. There are no concerns of my family turning up (DP’s both dead and rest of family live 4-5 hour drive away so not likely to ‘pop in’ on the off chance!!) but we have said we are not announcing birth until we know we are all safe and well and know what is happening regarding NICU etc. And, even then, it will not be the first day as visitors unlikely to be allowed into NICU immediately and I’m likely to be recovering from the CS!!

If that’s ‘not fair’ on them (in their eyes at least), tough luck it’s what I want and will get - I’m already the ‘wicked witch’ as wewon’t reveal what the babies are and have said we don’t intend to; nor do we plan on telling them the names we’ve picked (which they are also demanding!!)

When I was having my baby i didn’t tell my mum where I was. She rang nearly all the hospitals in the Midlands until she found me 🤦🏼‍♀️ I had a very pissed off midwife very politely ask me to ring my mum back 😂. All because of our complicated relationship. I just didn’t want the hassle of the fussing and fannying (excuse the pun) around 😩

@Rememberallball, I commend you on your common sense. We really didn’t want to know the sex of our latest grandchild until he was born but they insisted on telling us. I so wish they’d been like you.

@alsohuman, thank you. My reasoning goes back to when my DB and his then partner were expecting their DS way back (DN is now married with a toddler of his own it was that long ago!!) and we all knew it was a boy to be called xx. All we were waiting for was time of arrival and weight and it took the excitement out of it. As this will be my only pregnancy (am ancient at 47, coupled with being conceived through IVF and giving us much wanted twins) we want to keep as much as a mystery as is possible!!

Just don't tell anyone you're in labour.

I don't understand why people feel anyone else needs to know. With DD1 we didn't tell anyone we'd gone to the hospital. I remember my sister asking if we were home and said to her we were out shopping!

With DD2 we only told my mum and sisters as they were tag teaming looking after DD1.

I can't imagine wanting to be at the birth of my Grandchildren.
If either of DDs ask me to be a birthing partner then I will, obviously, step up but otherwise I'm quite happy to hear and visit after the event.

MumW with you there. And to visit when invited, not before. Clearly Mumsnet just brings up the problem DM DMiL and DPiL arguments, but I'm amazed how many seem to want to own their GC.

I'm amazed how many seem to want to own their GC.
To my mind, the beauty of being a Grandparent will be getting to hand them back and not having any of the responsibility or the decisions.
I will be quite happy to be follow instructions.