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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have my Mother waiting in the hospital while I’m in labour?

93 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 17/06/2019 11:34

My DM and I have a bit of a complicated relationship which I’ve posted about a few times. I’m 21 weeks pregnant (first baby) and she is very excited as she doesn’t get to see any of my brother’s DC, and keeps on referring to my baby as her baby (had a thread on that not long ago) which I have been feeling uncomfortable with.

Last week she did it again and I just said “Could you not call it your baby?” She asked why not and I just said I felt a bit weird about it, that I’m her baby and this is my baby. She just dismissed it with an “Oh, for God’s sake!” type of remark.

Later on we were talking about when I’m in labour etc, and she said “I do hope I can get to the hospital when it’s happening. I might ask your DH to let me know.”
I said I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, that childbirth is probably tricky enough as it is without the added pressure having to worry about people pacing the waiting room wanting to come in as soon as the baby is here. She just got all huffy and said “you do feel weird about the strangest things!”

Is it strange? I just want to be able to get on with labour with my DH and have visitors when we’re good and ready! AIBU or is she?

OP posts:

HolesinTheSoles · 17/06/2019 12:20

I would just not tell her. I would have DH text people once you're ready to have them visit and not before.

ElectricLions · 17/06/2019 12:20

OMG my friend had this with her MIL, sadly she knew when the baby would be born as it was a elective c section due to complications.

She was at the hospital before 7am so was waiting for my friend and her Dh who was fuming his Mum had done this. He told her to go home they could be hours. She didn't.

Instead she ended up on the same floor as the delivery suite and cried crocodile tears telling every member of staff in a uniform how she was worried about her DIL, she wasn't she just wanted to be first in that room. The staff even came to see my friend to tell her that her MIL was anxious, but luckily Dh told them she can fuck off. So they soon figured her out.

The baby wasn't born until 1pm and then Dh just literally went out to the waiting room, told her the baby was born, everyone was fine and that DIL was still in recovery and it would be a while, and with that he left her there.

She had to watch my friend's Mum (who she was hoping to beat to the room) walk past her and be invited in to the post natal ward.

Very stressful. So don't tell her when you go into labour and alert the staff on the ward when you do as to who you will allow.

Littlemissdaredevil · 17/06/2019 12:21

At my local hospital there is no waiting room to wait in.

I would just brush her off with a non-committal response. You don’t know where you will be giving birth yet or how.

Don’t let you mum know you are in labour unless you want to. You could end up being induced or have a c-section. You could be in labour for 3 hours or for 3 days for all you know. You could go into labour in the middle of the night for all you know and does your mum really want a call at 2am in the morning? I wouldn’t tell her you are in labour but to get your DP to call when baby is born and the he can say that baby came unexpectedly/much quicker than expected/he didn’t want to worry her, etc

3boysandabump · 17/06/2019 12:21

I wouldn't tell her when you go into labour and tbh if she's that full on I probably wouldn't tell her of little ones arrival until you're ready to see her because she sounds like she'll immediately turn up and be a bit of a pita

HolesinTheSoles · 17/06/2019 12:22

Odder not to want your mother close to hand, in my opinion, which of course Im entitled to have.

OP has said she has a complicated relationship with her mum so it's not odd at all. Even if you happen to be close to your mum and find her helpful and supportive it's not that much of a stretch to understand not everyone else feels the same towards their mum!

Missmil · 17/06/2019 12:23

My mil wanted this. Caused a very big arguement when they discovered no one was attending hospital , decided its was best to nip this in the bud now than be dictated to in a couple of months time.My dm was happy to leave us be and pray for my oh 😂 for me it's going to be traumatic enough without any spectators

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 17/06/2019 12:26

YABNU OP, not in the slightest.

I think I would just start to manage your mum differently.
the "my baby" thing I would treat like water off a duck's back, ignore it, don't rise to it - it's irritating, but it doesn't matter

I simply wouldn't engage in conversation about labour etc. When she said that, and if she does again just don't say anything. You don;t have to justify your decision. Make sure DH knows he isn't to inform her, and make sure hospital staff know you don't want anyone waiting for you.

RainbowOfChaos · 17/06/2019 12:27

I think you should have a good chat with your DB about why she doesn't see his kids. Prepare yourself.

What the others say, don't tell her you're in labour. When she complains go for the "caught up in the excitement" excuse.
Practice being lax with answering your phone and being unavailable. If you suddenly go uncontactable at 40 weeks she's going to assume your in labour and turn up at hospital.

Warn the staff.

We didn't tell family until DC had arrived. I don't know anyone except SIL, and she's a drama queen who announced when labour started.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/06/2019 12:29

This sort of behaviour may he why db doesn't have any relationship with her.

Happyandglorious · 17/06/2019 12:29

I don't think the waiting room is the issue. She is clearly very excited and desp to be involved. I would have a kind but firm word with her about boundaries etc and respecting that this is your baby etc otherwise you will be back here when she immediately suggests the baby has overnight stays with her etc

2toddlers · 17/06/2019 12:30

Just don’t tell her when it’s happening and make sure your husband knows your wishes in advance. I didn’t tell anyone the first time and the second time only my parents knew as we needed them to look after our first child. They were very much like us when they had their children, it was a private thing where they didn’t want anyone to know it was happening, so they understood our no fuss approach.

Doesn't really sound like your mum will listen, so just keep the birth a secret until you are ready, then go from there. Your husband might need to step up as gatekeeper if she gets too much after the birth.

SarahAndQuack · 17/06/2019 12:30

She does sound very needy. Was her mum with her during her labour? Perhaps that's why she's thinking of it.

Personally, I wouldn't tell her about labour just in case it goes long. My DP's mum was a bit like yours, and kept saying 'I'll come to the hospital when I hear' despite us saying please don't. In the event, we were so glad we didn't tell her when DP went into labour, as she was in hospital for three days before an emergency section and then both she and the baby had to stay in after. It would have been really scary for her mum to have been there, TBH, and plain exhausting as she'd have been sitting around for days.

We rang her once the baby was safely there and I think that was a lot easier on everyone's nerves!

needsleepzzz · 17/06/2019 12:32

I have a great relationship with my mum and MIL yet told neither i was in labour, wanted that to be me and my husband, they didn't mind at all and got a lovely surprise video call to meet baby

BumbleFluff7 · 17/06/2019 12:33

It's up to you whether you want her there or not. I wanted mine present, many don't. Just don't tell her when you're in labour & after say it was all a bit of a rush you had no time to call.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/06/2019 12:34

Nope nope and nope.

Start thinking boundaries now - she's going to be a nightmare.

Tell your DH that under no circumstances is she to be told when you are in labour. I'd probably let her get the impression that you're giving birth at a different hospital just in case

Do you live close by?

You don't even have to see her at the hospital at all if you don't want to, and certainly don't have to tell her the baby has been born until you are ready to.

ICanWearMyBoobsUpOrDown · 17/06/2019 12:36

Make sure from about 30 weeks you are uncontactable for a day or 2 here and there, then just don't tell her when you're in labour.

I probably wouldn't tell her until baby is a day or 2 old actually so your boundries are clear from the start.

This is your baby, your body, your labour, she's had her time parenting, now she gets to be a granny, but only on your terms. There's obviously a reason why she isn't allowed contact with your brothers dc, I would be very wary that whatever caused that will happen with you and your dc too. Don't let her take over, and don't be guilt tripped into allowing anything you aren't comfortable with.

Megan2018 · 17/06/2019 12:39

Your DM sounds batshit OP.

We aren’t telling anyone when baby is on way-we’ll call family as soon as we are ready afterwards.
MIL lives abroad so can’t get here quickly anyway, FIL disinterested. My parents live 1.5hrs away so we should get a good chunk of time “just us” which is what we want.

SandyY2K · 17/06/2019 12:39

The easy solutions is not letting her know you're in labour. I don't see why you need to complicate this, when the solution is clear as day.

Goodideaatthetime007 · 17/06/2019 12:42

YANBU. Your husband can let her know when it’s all over. This is your baby and your labour and you can please yourself.

Krisskrosskiss · 17/06/2019 12:46

YANBU AT ALL! Tell your DH not to tell her anything about anything unless hes run it past you first. I love my parents but I still had my DH text them when I was ready to see them.... with my first that wasnt until two days after the birth! They didnt complain at all because they understand that having a baby usnt some kind of performance. My mother can be pretty unreasonable at times but demanding to be in the waiting room whilst ibgave birth was a step too far even for her!!

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 17/06/2019 12:48

Given her batshitness already, maybe tell her when you are home and well rested.

A week??

PeoniesarePink · 17/06/2019 12:49

When my DD had her 1st baby, she said that she wanted me there but I insisted that she made her mind up on the day. As it turned out, she was in for several days before they were able to induce her, and when they did it was around 2am. My SIL rang me at 6am to say potter on in, then rang back at 6.30am to say shift your arse! I got there at 7am and baby's head was crowning. It was a magical experience but I'm also quite glad that I didn't have to watch DD in pain and she just very rightly wanted her DH with her. What I loved was having baby to cuddle while DD went off for a long bath afterwards

It's wrong for her to have any assumptions about being there - it's a grandchild, not your own child. It's lovely she's excited but I'd try and maintain some boundaries for both of your sakes.

justilou1 · 17/06/2019 12:54

We told our parents a due date about three weeks after the date our ECS was booked. My mum would have been at the hospital with a catcher’s glove on otherwise, making a total pill of herself telling everyone how she used to be a nurse, trying to bully her way into the theatre. No thanks. Grandparents were invited once the anaesthetic had worn off and daddy and I had met and snuggled DD and she was clean and fed and all the “first” photos done.

thecatsthecats · 17/06/2019 12:54

Side note, it did really make me laugh in the Friends episode where Rachel gives birth that all six of them are at the hospital for over a day waiting.

Over a DAY! They didn't even have smartphones. I definitely do not have anyone that invested in my life, or anyone that I'm that invested in. And thank the Lord for that.

Clutterbugsmum · 17/06/2019 12:55

The hospital I gave birth in doesn't have a waiting room, and you were only allowed 1 person in the delivery room.

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