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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have my Mother waiting in the hospital while I’m in labour?

93 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 17/06/2019 11:34

My DM and I have a bit of a complicated relationship which I’ve posted about a few times. I’m 21 weeks pregnant (first baby) and she is very excited as she doesn’t get to see any of my brother’s DC, and keeps on referring to my baby as her baby (had a thread on that not long ago) which I have been feeling uncomfortable with.

Last week she did it again and I just said “Could you not call it your baby?” She asked why not and I just said I felt a bit weird about it, that I’m her baby and this is my baby. She just dismissed it with an “Oh, for God’s sake!” type of remark.

Later on we were talking about when I’m in labour etc, and she said “I do hope I can get to the hospital when it’s happening. I might ask your DH to let me know.”
I said I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, that childbirth is probably tricky enough as it is without the added pressure having to worry about people pacing the waiting room wanting to come in as soon as the baby is here. She just got all huffy and said “you do feel weird about the strangest things!”

Is it strange? I just want to be able to get on with labour with my DH and have visitors when we’re good and ready! AIBU or is she?

OP posts:

33goingon64 · 17/06/2019 12:55

Definitely not strange. We didn't tell anyone I was in labour either time - parents got a call a few hours after the birth.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/06/2019 13:02

YANBU My mother was like this. She told me she needed to talk to me every day on the phone when I got to 6 months or so. I refused. The conversations were and still are all about her. She just wanted to relive her pregnancies and births through me... in daily conversations. 😱 Whatever I had, she had it 3 times worse.

We informed her after the event and told her to wait until I was well enough for her to come.

2toddlers · 17/06/2019 13:26

The second time I was pregnant I told my in laws a due date 3 weeks later than the actual date to keep them at bay. Baby came a week early so a month before they had been anticipating, meant I didn’t have any hassle (which I got first time) as my due date neared.

Your mum obviously knows the date this time but if you ever have another it’s a great idea. We’re hoping to have another child next year, we’ll be adding 3 or 4 weeks onto the due date again 😁.

mabelsgarden · 17/06/2019 13:27

@AngeloMysterioso

YANBU. I get on fabulously with DD, and we have the best relationship I could hope for. And she said to me that when she has a baby, (she's planning on for 2-3 years time,) she would prefer me to not be there. She said she wouldn't want me stressing and worrying, and also, feels like she would just rather have her partner there anyway.

I said 'cool, whatever you want.' Then followed it up with 'if you change your mind, and want me there after all, just call me and I'll be there!' She said 'thanks mum!' with a grin End of conversation.

Some mums are very upset when their adult DD don't want them at the birth, but that is the mother-to-be's right. If my DD wants me I am there. If not, I will stay away til invited.

In addition, I did not want MY mother there at my births either. Nothing personal, I just didn't. She didn't care though, as she is super squeamish and wouldn't have wanted it anyway!

Alsohuman · 17/06/2019 13:36

When did mums at the birth become a thing? When I had mine, back in the dark ages, the baby’s dad rang them after the birth, told them the sex and weight and when visiting time was.

mabelsgarden · 17/06/2019 13:49

@Alsohuman 'when did your mum being at the birth become a thing?'

I wonder that too! I loved my mum, but her being there when I was in labour was not something I would have wanted, at ALL.

One of my neighbours - 100 yards down the road from me, is having a baby in mid July, and her mum has been at every ante natal appointment, and every doctor, nurse, and midwife appointment, and every 'lamaze' class... And she is going to be there for the birth.

Her mum lives in the next road too, (5 minutes walk from her,) so she can (and WILL) be there within a couple of minutes when my neighbour goes into labour (if she is in!) They also visit each other every day. It's like Coronation Street.

My DD loves me to bits (as and I do her of course,) and we have always got on well, but I reckon she couldn't think of anything worse than this! Mum on the doorstep, visiting every day, and going to every appointment with her.

I also could not have tolerated this with my OWN mum. There's being close to your mum, and then there's THAT! It's like her the woman (mum-to-be) is bloody twelve, not twenty seven!!!

Me and DH live 10 miles from DD, and we have always lived 5-10 miles from OUR parents. And that has always suited everyone.

tomatosalt · 17/06/2019 13:56

@Alsohuman Based on my extensive research, (Call the Midwife ) women had their mothers/sisters/other female relative in the room with them back when men were not permitted in the delivery room!

GiggleMcDimples · 17/06/2019 13:57

I didn't tell anyone when I went into labour with DS1 15 years ago. Just me and DH. We told everyone after he was born. They all guessed though because I was in hospital for over 24hrs before I had him (42hrs altogether from start to finish) but I was adamant I didn't want anyone to know, just me and DH. I told everyone my intentions and they all respected that.

Stand your ground. This is YOUR baby, you do it YOUR way.

Alsohuman · 17/06/2019 14:07

Fathers have been in the delivery room for 50 years. None of my friends or their mothers would have entertained the idea when we had our babies in the mid 70s.

PregnantSea · 17/06/2019 14:07

No prizes for guessing why she doesn't get to see much of her other grandchildren lol.

Usually it's only the birth partner at the hospital during labour. So if that doesn't happen to be the mum then I don't think it's normal for her to be there. Most hospitals these days are quite iffy about having people hanging around while someone is in labour, even if they are relatives.

Don't tell her when you're in labour. Problem solved. It's perfectly fine to call her after the baby has arrived to give her the news. So long as she is one of the first people that you call I would say that this is the time that most grandparents are notified about the baby's arrival.

crosstalk · 17/06/2019 14:13

Odder not to want your mother close to hand, in my opinion, which of course Im entitled to have

There's close to hand, and obsessive behaviour. Alarm bells ring when OP says her mother calls OP's baby-to-be "my baby" and insists on being around at the birth.. It's her grandchild, not her child. As PPs have said it's not a spectator sport nor a competition about who first gets to hold the child, take photos etc. This is not concern about the daughter it's just pushing in.

And if OP doesn't want it, her mother doesn't get a say. And OP should make sure the hospital knows.

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 17/06/2019 14:24

I never get this. Labours can be like 24h+ and she’d sit there the whole time? Really? Na.

H2OH20Everywhere · 17/06/2019 14:42

I agree with pp - practise ignoring your phone now, and for long periods of time (if she rings every day). Otherwise she'll figure out that you're in labour and trundle up anyway.

Good luck!

dontfollowmeimlosttoo · 17/06/2019 14:52

My mother was the same and sadly I panicked when in labour and said I wanted her there ( as well as my partner ) . Big mistake !! She bought my brother I kid you not and he waited in the waiting room! Was awful as soon as baby born she wanted my brother to come in .. I didn't want that I was being stitched up so she took Baby out to him... again big mistake ! I always envisioned I would have 1 hour uninterrupted skin to skin time and instead had my stitches being done ... baby out seeing the brother ... baby being weighed ( mothers doing again said to midwife are you going to weigh the baby ) and then midwife said oh I think he is hungry are you going to breastfeed ... well yeah I am ... anyway before you know it mother in law is in.. then w couple hours later father in law it's one big family affair and was not what I wanted at all ! I am still breastfeeding 4 months on but it's been a rocky road and I do wonder if the start of our journey had anything to do with it . If we have another one I am not telling anyone when I go into labour also mother in law announced on Facebook she was a nan whilst on route to the hospital. I have some right twats in my life don't I

BeanBag7 · 17/06/2019 15:00

I do wonder if this sort of thing stems from TV shows where all the friends and family are sitting there while someone is in labour. I remember thinking this when watching "Friends" and every time someone goes in to labour all 5 other "friends", plus their associated partners at the time, plus probably a parent or two, are kn the waiting room or show up 5 minutes after the birth. Surely that isn't real life in any real hospital though!?

AllFourOfThem · 17/06/2019 15:14

Hospitals don’t have waiting rooms for unwanted relatives or friends whilst someone is in labour. It will be various chairs in the main part of the hospital and they won’t be comfortable. Considering labour can last days, she’s very unlikely to last the full duration. Just ensure you make it very clear when you go in that you do not give her permission to visit and she can sit on an uncomfortable hospital chair all she wants. It won’t impact you and will just be unpleasant for her.

PanteneProV · 17/06/2019 15:15

Yanbu, I would hate that. Don’t tell her when you’re in labour!

MrsxRocky · 17/06/2019 15:17

My mum and mil want to do this. I e told husband a firm no. I'll have visitors when ready not straight away with a torn vaj and not knowing wtf is going on.

PerfectPeony2 · 17/06/2019 15:19

Just don’t tell anyone when you’re in labour. The ward won’t give out any info or let her in.

That’s what I did! I don’t have a great relationship with my Mum and I think she thought that she would be entitled to visit the hospital and be updated on when everything was happening! Nope. Ignored her and she had to wait until we got home.

Put yourself first and don’t spend time worrying about anyone else except your new little family.

Chinks123 · 17/06/2019 15:30

I had this happen with dps side of the family. In the middle of labour and he gets a phone call to say they were in the waiting room. (He’d texted them to say I was in labour) He left the room to go see them and I sent a midwife sharpish to tell him to get back in the room, and to ask them to leave.

Nothing personal but it made me feel anxious, them waiting and ringing and texting. I also didn’t want instant visitors. I wanted bonding time with dp without them all flocking in.

Due my second soon and I’ve told dp not to text anyone that I’m in labour.

PeePooAndPaperOnly · 17/06/2019 15:32

Bloody hell you shouldn't have to be worrying about this
Why does she think what she wants top trumps you
Be firm with her now
She sounds utterly self centred

Sleepthiefsmum18 · 17/06/2019 15:36

Both sets of grandparents turned up when I was in labour. I had no idea. Once he was out the midwife said “you’ve got visitors outside. I told them no!!!”

Midwives are amazing at dealing with these people!

KM99 · 17/06/2019 15:37

She wants you to question your decisions. Dismissing your feelings about "my baby" and making you question not having her at the hospital. Stand firm. What you and your DP want is the most important thing. x

Iamnotagoddess · 17/06/2019 15:40

DS2 grandmother wanted to deliver him (she was a midwife) luckily his dad said no!

LemonBreeland · 17/06/2019 16:03

YANBU. My Mum told me to call her as soon as I was in labour with DC1. I just nodded and smiled with absolutely no intention of telling her. Luckily DC1 came rather fast so we used the excuse that we didn't have time. Otherwise I would have just said that we forgot in the excitement, if she had asked, which she probably wouldn't have.

I did not need the though of my Mother tearing up the motorway to see us while I was in labour.

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