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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help - what is wrong with me?? Have taken an irrational dislike to bf face

87 replies

Swellerellamoo · 17/06/2019 06:32

So bizarre wondered if anyone else had any wise words. We've been together for a year and I have always thought he was initially very handsome as well as then once getting to know him better and better , he is loving, generous, loyal, fun, shared interests and so on.

But recently I have been questioning the whole relationship as I have started to find the positioning of his nose completely off putting. He has a very short nose in comparison to the size of his face. I just seems the more I look at it like it's not quite right. It's making me question all my feelings about him. I'm not usually remotely body fascist and very easy going and don't understand this reaction at all. I don't know why on earth I would notice this / feel like this and welcome any advice.

OP posts:

Jenasaurus · 17/06/2019 08:00

When my relationship started to change. He was being controlling and angry all the time. All I could focus on were his facial features. His angry lines on the brow of his nose. His narrow eyes and his slithery thin lips. Things I had previously not noticed started to turn me off in a very physical way. You say he is lovely in other ways though but it could be your feelings about him in other ways are making him look less attractive.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/06/2019 08:00

Oh yes, the ick. He doesn't sound like a good partner for you anyway. Partners who don't like to go outside their comfort zone, when you DO, can be very frustrating to be with, and quite limiting.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/06/2019 08:01

I think you have different values and this is showing in your irrational dislike of his nose etc.

Jenasaurus · 17/06/2019 08:01

And the baby thing is true. You are unconsciously looking for physical traits for your offspring and not finding them in him.

ZaZathecat · 17/06/2019 08:03

Sorry but it sounds like the beginning of the end for me. After just one year you're finding lots of faults with his appearance that are off-putting to you. It will be hard to keep up a relationship long-term if you're no longer attracted to him.

Missingstreetlife · 17/06/2019 08:04

Counselling? A couple of sessions might do it.

tomatostottie · 17/06/2019 08:15

Sounds like you don't really want to be with him. In your second post you give several examples of issues which suggest he isn't the one for you.

Sevo7 · 17/06/2019 08:18

I got this with an ex suddenly after we’d been together about a year. It started with his hands and the way he carried himself and little things he did. I pushed past it though as I thought I loved him and he was perfect on paper. As we made more commitments to each other (like buying a house) it got harder to leave but the irritation and repulsion kept growing. I made my mind up to leave but discovered I was pregnant. As he was a good man I decided to make a go off it and try and push it all to the back of my head. It didn’t go away,but just kept growing to the point where by the time our baby was a year old him touching me made my skin crawl,his breathing made me want to stab him and even his natural,inoffensive smell made me feel physically sick. I feel awful writing this about my child’s father but it’s true. We spilt when our child was 2 as by this point I could barely stand to be around him.

My current partner in comparison should get on my nerves a lot more but he just doesn’t. Even if he’s sweaty I’m still attracted to him and his gross habits don’t disgust me. I don’t quite understand it myself but if you are feeling this way for goodness sake don’t make any long term commitments to this man as it may get much worse if you try and ignore it!

expat101 · 17/06/2019 08:18

Sadly after 2 years of marriage, I realised I was never going to feel physically attracted to my then Hubby any more. I didn't want to see ''that'' face again.

He was (and probably still is) a wonderful man, good provider, someone who you would want to have children with (never happened for us) I cannot find any reason to complain about him, but that was it for our marriage.

Shallow? Maybe, or perhaps I just grew out of it and it would have run its course if we had only just lived together first. I don't know. It happens.

But you are not the only one.

Lost5stone · 17/06/2019 08:19

Yeah it's the ick. Honestly save yourself and him, time and effort and just end it. I've had this with all of my exes. One was gorgeous, male model and it got to the point his face was disgusting me. Completely unreasonable. And once we ended things I could see again that he was attractive just not the right person for me.

Goodideaatthetime007 · 17/06/2019 08:23

I agree with PPs. You’ve only been with him a year so should still be besotted with him. The fact that you are focusing on what you know is a minor, irrational and fictitious flaw is an indication that you just aren’t that into him. You want to be but you aren’t. I’d end it now.

IfNot · 17/06/2019 08:24

You're just not that into him. And frankly he doesn't sound like much of a catch. Throw him back.

Tensixtysix · 17/06/2019 08:26

It could be that you are picking up on the fact that he may have genetic malformations and your mind is trying to stop you from having a child with him?

Tensixtysix · 17/06/2019 08:27

Always listen to your body. It knows more than you do when it comes to 'compatibility'.

Happinessbegins · 17/06/2019 08:28

It’s funny how hands are important isn’t it? I have an ex whose small hands really put me off as time went on but another who wasn’t good looking at all but I was far more attracted to.

I think what you describe is normal when you go off someone. I don’t see how you will get over it.

KettlePolly · 17/06/2019 08:28

My partner is old grey and short with a pot belly but I go completely wobbly when we are together, he's gorgeous in my eyes, so it's deeper than the nose issue for you if you ask me. There will be something else you're subconsciously rejecting.

ravenmum · 17/06/2019 08:32

Sorry, I agree with everyone else ... it's your subconscious speaking. He irritates you deep down, but because he's lovely on paper / you are turning 30 soon and have invested a whole year in him / there are various convenient things about being with him that you would like to keep, rational you is trying to ignore it.

oabiti · 17/06/2019 08:39

But surely not everyone is perfect? Being unambitious means relaxed and not stressed which is great. I don't actually want any more kids (which he knows ) and am fairly financially secure. Snappy but who isn't and at least recognises it...doesnt understand my less meat choice but does try to make sure I can eat wherever we go...

You're making excuses for the complaints that YOU brought up in the first place. If they weren't issues, you wouldn't have mentioned it

I just don't get it, sorry.

Sevo7 · 17/06/2019 08:40

I agree about it being a genetic sensor with regards to having babies. With my ex who started to repulse me we actually had serious unexplained infertility to the point I didnt get pregnant for 4 years and then only got pregnant after 12 months of clomid. (I know now it was stupid to want to get pregnant with someone I knew deep down wasn’t right but by this point I’d become desperate to get pregnant and naively thought it would fix things )

Anyway my current partner (who I am still massively attracted to) I got pregnant the first month we were together despite being on the pill (but miscarried) and then got pregnant again while on the pill a year later. It does seem odd that I had to try so hard with my ex yet seem to conceive easily with my current partner. Very strange!

Tiredtessy · 17/06/2019 08:46

Sounds like you like him but don’t fancy him anymore, once someone starts up gross you out you notice all those things, it may have just come to the end of the road?

Sootienco · 17/06/2019 08:50

Oh The Ick.

There's a word for it.
This happened with my ex. And funnily emough it was her nose too. Or the fact it always seemed to be runny. After a while I couldn't kiss her and we just drifted apart. It was a culmination of issues though.

I think it's your subconscious way of winding things down.

Birdrib · 17/06/2019 08:50

I had this with my first boyfriend. It had built gradually until one night when I was supposed to be staying over at his but couldn’t even bring myself to look at him, I rang a taxi and bolted, never spoke to him ever again. I still can’t explain to this day why it happened but I remember it was such an overwhelming feeling.

Lovemusic33 · 17/06/2019 09:06

If you love some one you tend to love every thing about them, even their wonky small nose. You don’t love this guy, yes he’s nice and ticks most of your boxes but that doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you. I have dated several guys who tick all the boxes but after a while something doesn’t feel right and I find something about them really off putting (like the nose), it’s usually a sign that your not that into them.

LuluJakey1 · 17/06/2019 09:07

When I was pregnant with DS, I developed an irrational dislike and irritation for everything about DH. It happened twice during the pregnancy and the second time was during the last month. It was terrible- really bad. Poor DH had been nothing but his usual supportive, loving, funny self and I could not bear him in the same room.
Disappeared overnight a week before the birth . Didn't happen with DD or so far this time.

Are you sure you aren't pregnant?

Wheresthebeach · 17/06/2019 09:13

That's your subconscious knocking on the door! Answer it.

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