I don't think DH is a good Dad.

[eyesbiggerthanstomach]

This has been prompted by all the FB posts I have seen praising their DHs for being brilliant Dads.

Does anyone else think their DH isn't a great Dad? DH didn't want our DS, now 16 months, as he said he wasn't cut out to be a parent and wanted me to get an abortion and I refused. There are underlying issues here and I am in two minds about our marriage. What is pushing me to separate is that I genuinely don't think DH brings anything to DS life.

Lots of mums say they stay in unhappy marriages because of the children. I can't even say that.

Other than the usual lack of practical help (although he was brilliant in the first month as I was no use at all!) he isn't going to be a good role model.

He loves DS and DS makes him happy but DH is too selfish and set in his ways. He would rather read the paper or watch the cricket than play or read to DS. He never wants to take him out in case DS has a tantrum. He isn't affectionate with him although in fairness he isn't very affectionate to anyone.

Plus, he isn't a financial provider - I am. He earns a fraction of what I do because he chose to leave his job to do a job which doesn't use his degree or experience and is now self employed which seems to mean he chooses to work 4 days a week!

He does no chores, household admin, nursery drop offs and pick ups and again it's left to me.

It's fine now as DS is small but as he gets older I am sure he will notice the lack of affection and interest from DH and I am worried that DS will learn all these bad habits from DH. Then again, maybe a mediocre full time Dad is better than a part time one.

Not sure what my AIBU is but I guess are there other Dads like my DH or is this frankly unacceptable and I need to rethink my marriage?

Are YOU happy?

Honestly OP he sounds very very selfish and no help at all. How would you life change if you chucked him out? How would you feel in 30 years if DS acted like his dad does now?

Train him up. I bet that's an unfashionable view on MN and people will say you shouldn't have to and he needs to grow up etc but really - you just want him to be better. Put the idea of how to be better into his head. On the few occasions he is affectionate, comment on it with real pride and respect in your voice.
Tell him you need him to take DS to nursery every day for w eek because you have to be in work early for a new project.

DH is such an excellent, hands on dad now that he probably forgets I used to do everything, and until DC were 7/8 years old, he didn't even know how the bloody washing machine worked. I just stopped doing it. (He too gave up work and I got sick of running myself into the ground and him being incompetent, so I just stepped back.)

I'd give him small easy focused tasks like: "Can you explain to SmallGrowling how x works" Or "Please pick up some bread while I mop the floor and take SmallGrowlings with you." Often, they just don;t know how to be engaged, but once they get the hang of it, they do.

If he liked cricket, get him to take DS to KwikKricket or similar as soon as he's old enough - brilliant youth cricket practise.

Or get him to read fun bits out of the paper to DS. Just because he isn't very physically affectionate doesn't mean he can't show love and interest in other ways.

Wouldn't life be easier without him?

Did you know he didn’t want children before you got married and pregnant?

It does sound like you should have an honest conversation with him and potentially come to a difficult decision.

Maybe he’ll come round when the tantrum years are over?

Do you love him?

He sounds like a catch.....i’d run far away

I do think some people can be good parents to children but not babies, good parents to teenagers but not children etc - you might find that your DH grows into his parenting role? (or maybe that's wishful thinking)
My own mum is great with babies - but from 5 years it starts going down hill, hits the bottom around 13-15.

While it absolutely sucks to have the load falling on your shoulders, is it worth trying to work your way out of this rut?

"Mr Growling, i'm struggling, the mental load of managing our family is taking its toll and honestly I feel like you're not pulling your weight, this is not the life I want to raise our child in, its time for you to pull finger. From now on, meal planing, getting the groceries and cooking is your responsibility"

In all honesty it sounds like he's exactly how he said he would be. Some people aren't cut out to raise young children. It doesn't mean they won't have a nice relationship when your son is older. My dad wasn't never big on little kids! He worked long hours though and was often out of the house but when he was there he didn't really take care of us. And yet I'm MUCH closer to him now that I am mum. My mum did most of the care-giving (school drop offs, taking us out, making our meals etc) but actually as a person I found her cold. Yeah she did what she felt she had to but I always felt like she did it because other people would judge her if she didn't (she's always cared about what other people thing more than anything else). She was a really 'good parent' (in that she did a lot for us) when I was a young child, but emotionally she wasn't available, she was far too strict to the point of being cruel, she was moody, she used emotional blackmail a lot, she was horribly controlling, and really pushed us away. I can't remember an age where I didn't have problems with her. On paper, though, she can really make out like she was a great mum because she did so much for us, but her personality pushed us apart from a young age.

My dad, on the other hand, wasn't around to do the jobs she did as he was working and didn't like days out in children's places and wasn't really interested in playing children's games or watching little kids movies or whatever, but we got on (and still get on) because he's just a nice, relaxed guy. Now that I'm an adult, my dad is an amazing dad (and has been since I was a teen, really) - we spend time together and enjoy each others company, I actually moved in with him as a teen (when my parents split up) as he's just a nicer person than my mum, and it was great. But he's still not that into small kids and that's okay. Some people aren't.

I feel like I don't know what you expected as you said yourself that your DH didn't want kids and literally told you he wouldn't be a good dad. Situations like this are complicated. It sounds like you just don't love him or think highly of him for other reasons too, and maybe should just part ways.

You'll probably find that when you seperate he will be a much more active dad - this seems to be the way, because if he does genuinely love his son then he will want him in his life and know that he has to do the jobs he previously wasn't interested in, in order to have him in his life. He will possibly start to appreciate and even enjoy the things he didn't like before, because he will see his son less so the time he does have with him will seem more important (whereas now he might just take it for granted, and know that you'll do everything he doesn't.)

I don't think he's necessarily a bad dad but it does sound like you are in a bad marriage.

Op, you have described my ex perfectly, apart from the bit about abortion.

It was clear when ds was 2 that my ex was having a detrimental effect. I didn’t want ds growing up thinking being lazy or selfish or drunk to the point of unconsciousness was acceptable.

We left & ex sees ds more now because he has to make an effort. Ds has never see ex drunk because ex has to drive to get here.

But ds(10) said today out of nowhere that his dad was pretty hopeless and lazy. I don’t criticise ex in front of ds and always have spare birthday cards, presents etc wrapped for when ex forgets. But ds has worked it out for himself.

Leaving was the right thing for us. Whatever you do, your dc will be much happier if they have a happy mum.

I hear you OP.
I've been wondering whether DH is s bad dad, but I think he just isn't good with DC being so young. I think once they're a bit older, he will come into his own.
He is a good provider and does 75% of the nursery runs (or he'd have to do bedtime!) due to my working hours.
He would definitely much rather play on his Xbox instead of spend time playing with DC which I think is a shame.
He is also a bit more of a selfish person in that it would never occur to him to offer to get up with DC for the routine 5am start, or to let me lie in and to bring me a cup of tea.

Your DS might possibly adore his Dad as he gets older. As other PPs have said, some men just grow into the role as their kids get older. My dad didn't play with us as kids - I only remember him coming home from work and reading the paper or watching TV. And yet as I got older he was really lovely - we'd do crosswords together or go for a walk and just talk about things. He was never a "fun" dad but he didn't have to be - he loved me and that was all I needed. He's gone now and I miss him every day.

In your situation I'd hate to think that you'd leave your husband because he isn't much good with his 16 month old son. Give him a chance - he might surprise you.

I am totally 110% in agreement with Growlingbear!!! Love doesn’t give up no matter how tough it gets! No matter what.. ❤️

He didn't want a child because he thought he wouldn't be a good one, so you are only getting what you were warned. However he loves his child and yes, a parent who isn't totally devoted to tberlir child is still a better parent than not at all. A crap parent at 2yo can turn into a fatlntastic parent at 10 or 15 and vice versa.

Whether you want to be with him is another question but your child deserves to bond, love and be loved by his father. Don't take this away from him.

It’s a tough one op.

We have ten month twins and DH is only just growing into his dad role. He was pretty useless when they were tiny and we argued a lot. Perhaps your DH will also grow into his role as your DS ages?

However it sounds like YOU aren’t happy yourself which is just as important. I personally couldn’t live with a man who showed no affection to me or our children. That must be very difficult for you.

Honestly though. Take no notice of the fake book Father’s Day bull shit. I had most of my mum group friends posting statues yesterday about their “amazing dads and husbands” who in reality spend most of their time moaning about how useless they are! It’s all bollocks.

Whether or not he's a good dad when he's older is really here nor there.

He's not a good dad now. He takes no interest and makes no effort. He doesn't do anything around the house. He doesn't provide any financial support.

Doesn't sound like he brings anything to your life at all. I'm not sure why anyone would stay with a useless dad and partner in the hope that in years to come he'd suddenly take an interest. What a waste of your life op - and your life matters too. Even if you divorce he can decide to be interested later on - nothing stopping him.

Time for a conversation - you need to have a calm discussion rather than an accusatory one. At least give him a chance to improve but splitting up doesn't mean he disappears - he will still have DS some days, pay maintenance (hopefully) and be in DSS life forever.

Do you ever ask him to help? What does he say if you do?

You say “maybe a mediocre full time Dad is better than a part time one” but everything you describe suggests that your child effectively doesn’t have a dad. He doesn’t care for, provide for or play with his child. He sounds more like a lodger.

He told you outright he didn't want to be a dad because he didn't think he would be a good one.

You forced him to be a dad and now you are complaining because he isn't a good one???

All your own choices there OP.

The thing is it’s not just his role as a father that sounds lacking. He also doesn’t sound good as a partner. You have to do all the household chores and are the financial provider and he doesn’t show affection or interest to anyone. It sounda like a loveless marriage and your DS will think that is normal so you are right to be worried he will pick up on his fathers traits. To be honest I don’t understand why you are attracted to him.

Love doesn’t give up no matter how tough it gets! No matter what.. ❤️

Ok, but outside of whatever Disney theme park you’re living in is the real world, and in the real world we don’t tell women to indefinitely tolerate lazy, unhelpful, selfish men who don’t pull their weight because of some vague appeal to the universal healing power of love.

OP - it doesn’t sound like you’re getting a lot from your marriage to this man, and to be honest it’s not your responsibility to stay in an unhappy situation in the hope that one day he might start to improve a bit. If he’s going to wake up one day and be a better dad, there’s no reason why he has to be married to you to do so.

It sounds like you have nothing to lose from splitting except a weight around your neck. And this isn’t a situation of ‘any dad is better than no dad’, because your son will still have a dad. You will presumably share custody etc.

It might actually be the making of your husband for you to separate - he will have to step up and parent on his contact days when you aren’t there to do everything for him.

Good lord op. What do you get out of the marriage??
Although I must say I don't think it's fair to carry on with a pregnancy if you partner isn't on board.

"But ds has worked it out for himself. "

This. People always make excuses for this kind of behaviour ("Oh well, small children aren't very interesting for men. He might come into his own when it's old enough to play football with") but children are their own people - they aren't appliances that sit around in standby mode waiting for an unaffectionate and uninvolved parent to take an interest in them. By the time our DF decided that DB was old enough to take to the football, (a) the damage to DB's self-esteem had been done, and (b) DB had decided DF wasn't worth bothering with and checked out emotionally, which has been very sad for both of them. Which isn't to say that I think you should definitely leave, just that it needs to be addressed now.

You forced him to be a dad

Where does it say that...?

Although I must say I don't think it's fair to carry on with a pregnancy if you partner isn't on board.

A man’s opinion on whether his partner should get an abortion is irrelevant. He made his choice when he decided not to get a vasectomy, despite not wanting kids.

Good god I see we've descended to the 1950's where women are at fault for falling pregnant, should have abortions if the men decide, or accept no responsibility on the fathers part. What a time to be alive.