I don't think DH is a good Dad.

[eyesbiggerthanstomach]

This has been prompted by all the FB posts I have seen praising their DHs for being brilliant Dads.

Does anyone else think their DH isn't a great Dad? DH didn't want our DS, now 16 months, as he said he wasn't cut out to be a parent and wanted me to get an abortion and I refused. There are underlying issues here and I am in two minds about our marriage. What is pushing me to separate is that I genuinely don't think DH brings anything to DS life.

Lots of mums say they stay in unhappy marriages because of the children. I can't even say that.

Other than the usual lack of practical help (although he was brilliant in the first month as I was no use at all!) he isn't going to be a good role model.

He loves DS and DS makes him happy but DH is too selfish and set in his ways. He would rather read the paper or watch the cricket than play or read to DS. He never wants to take him out in case DS has a tantrum. He isn't affectionate with him although in fairness he isn't very affectionate to anyone.

Plus, he isn't a financial provider - I am. He earns a fraction of what I do because he chose to leave his job to do a job which doesn't use his degree or experience and is now self employed which seems to mean he chooses to work 4 days a week!

He does no chores, household admin, nursery drop offs and pick ups and again it's left to me.

It's fine now as DS is small but as he gets older I am sure he will notice the lack of affection and interest from DH and I am worried that DS will learn all these bad habits from DH. Then again, maybe a mediocre full time Dad is better than a part time one.

Not sure what my AIBU is but I guess are there other Dads like my DH or is this frankly unacceptable and I need to rethink my marriage?

Here if one of us isn’t great at one part of our lives the other does it. Eg I’m better at helping with homework, dh is better at reading at bedtime. Both of us could do either but we play to our strengths.

My BIL was like this, still is now the DC are 16 and 12, he never had an interest or brought any quality to their life, it is evident to the DC too.

I'm with growlingbear

My Dad was useless with me until I was four (my Mum told me as much). He didn’t do a thing with me until I reached an age where I wasn’t in nappies, didn’t have tantrums, was fairly independent and sensible etc. All I remember is him being an amazing Dad, I don’t remember him being useless at all.

Lucky him. You probably would remember if your mum had also only started bothering you when you were easy, of course, because you'd have been taken into care. Because someone has to deal with nappies and tantrums, even if no one finds it fun.

Here if one of us isn’t great at one part of our lives the other does it. Eg I’m better at helping with homework, dh is better at reading at bedtime. Both of us could do either but we play to our strengths

There is no comparison between dividing up the day to day chores and one person opting out entirely for years. If he was doing half the work then it's totally preference whether that's by doing 100% of 50% of tasks or 50% of 100% of tasks. He is doing neither of these. He doesn't even provide financially, the usual get-out of the shit dad. I struggle to see why anyone actively chooses a 'dad works, mum does everything domestic and child related' set up, but I think it's perfectly legitimate for people to do so if that's what they want, if it's a distribution of labour that everyone is happy with. That's not what's happening for OP. There is no distribution of labour, just her doing it all, and manifestly she is not happy with it.

Yes of course it’s different if he does nothing for any of them but he just earns less than her.
I gave examples of how each could play to their strengths. One of you could work away Monday to Friday and you could still remain married and function. People seem to have such a very rigid idea of what a “good” parent is.

I think it’s difficult for many men to parent babies and toddlers. Babies mostly want their Mum’s, especially if the Mum is a SAHM and they’re breastfed. Men can feel a little redundant and be unsure what to do. Then by the time they’re toddlers it’s fallen into a routine of Mum doing everything and the men still feel a little useless. Toddlers still tend to want Mum as well, let’s face it, it’s natural instinct.

Strange because my dh managed it in the 90s. My brothers managed it between the 80s and the 2000s. My father managed it in the 60s. My grandfather managed it in the 20s and 30s- not sure if he did the nappies (my father certainly did) but he looked after his babies and toddlers in all sorts of other ways.

Thing is, unless some men you hear about on MN, they hadn't been brought up to think that a job has to be instantly rewarding and fun every moment of the day or else you can just walk away.

This man as far as I can see is contributing nothing: he is not the breadwinner, he does not do household chores/DIY and he does not deal with his own dc. I am struggling to think of any ancestor of mine in any generation who would have thought that was good enough.

One of you could work away Monday to Friday and you could still remain married and function.

Yes, but then this would be part of a plan that would be for the benefit of the family and there would be a discussion of how this contributed to the general good/what could be done to ease the burden on the OP/how to ensure quality time with the lo. What the ds gets to see here is a dad who has the time to be with him but chooses not to bother and also chooses to do less than his mum in other areas. Not a brilliant role model.

On the few occasions he is affectionate, comment on it with real pride and respect in your voice.

How could you possibly summon up real pride or respect for the father of your child doing the barest absolute minimum for his own child? How could ever be anything other than contemptuous for a man who can’t be arsed with his own child?

People seem to have such a very rigid idea of what a “good” parent is.

I really don't think 'has some interest in their child and occasionally provides for their basic needs' is the incredibly high and rigid standard that you're claiming it is. There are lots of ways of being a good parent, but they all involve actually doing some parenting.

Your DH doesn't sound like he brings much to your life. You (and your child) deserve better than someone who can't be arsed.

He does no chores, household admin, nursery drop offs and pick ups and again it's left to me

Why do you put up with this? Sounds like you have two children.

Your DH sounds exactly like my DAD. Selfish, self-concentrated man. He has always been interested in himself and not his family needs. Thats why my parents got divorced. But even know, when I see my dad now and then, (and I am a grown up now) he would never even ask how I am or how is his granchild - he would just talk and talk aboput himself and his problems. He is so focused on his own wellbeing and health that no wonder he looks like 35 when he is actually 55 lol but he is ALONE because of this - no one can stay with him for long periods of time because of how selfish he is.... My only suggestion is - if you are unhappy, dont stay with him for the sake of your child. Your child will not thank you. Its a terrible role model to see in your family and really these type pf people only get worse with age.....