I don't think DH is a good Dad.

[eyesbiggerthanstomach]

This has been prompted by all the FB posts I have seen praising their DHs for being brilliant Dads.

Does anyone else think their DH isn't a great Dad? DH didn't want our DS, now 16 months, as he said he wasn't cut out to be a parent and wanted me to get an abortion and I refused. There are underlying issues here and I am in two minds about our marriage. What is pushing me to separate is that I genuinely don't think DH brings anything to DS life.

Lots of mums say they stay in unhappy marriages because of the children. I can't even say that.

Other than the usual lack of practical help (although he was brilliant in the first month as I was no use at all!) he isn't going to be a good role model.

He loves DS and DS makes him happy but DH is too selfish and set in his ways. He would rather read the paper or watch the cricket than play or read to DS. He never wants to take him out in case DS has a tantrum. He isn't affectionate with him although in fairness he isn't very affectionate to anyone.

Plus, he isn't a financial provider - I am. He earns a fraction of what I do because he chose to leave his job to do a job which doesn't use his degree or experience and is now self employed which seems to mean he chooses to work 4 days a week!

He does no chores, household admin, nursery drop offs and pick ups and again it's left to me.

It's fine now as DS is small but as he gets older I am sure he will notice the lack of affection and interest from DH and I am worried that DS will learn all these bad habits from DH. Then again, maybe a mediocre full time Dad is better than a part time one.

Not sure what my AIBU is but I guess are there other Dads like my DH or is this frankly unacceptable and I need to rethink my marriage?

He's not bringing anything to the party.
He doesn't make money, he doesn't do household stuff and he doesn't look after his son.

All this nonsense about how one day he might be a great dad is stupid. He's not great now. Why will he suddenly be great?!

Ltb, life is too short

"Although I must say I don't think it's fair to carry on with a pregnancy if you partner isn't on board."

Wouldn't it be more honest to rephrase that as "a woman should get an abortion if her partner tells her to have one" ?

I don't understand this tolerance for useless fathers. Mothers don't get to be useless or 'grow into their roles'. We have to hit the ground running, and woe betide us (societally) if we don't. I have a (very) limited degree of sympathy for the argument that the pregnancy was something he didn't want, but again, nobody would let a mother with conflicted feelings/regret about a pregnancy get away with less than full mothering performance.

And tbh, even if he's not keen on doing the fathering*, he could make your life easier by stepping up his part in the other roles. He doesn't sound as if he's contributing meaningfully to any of the roles you two have in your team, OP (money earning, housework and admin, childcare). If he contributed this little in a job,. he'd be managed out.

*Although in the long term I think living with this lack of interest will be damaging to your ds and tbh I would suggest separating sooner rather than later.

I don't think a woman should have an abortion 'because a man says so'. I think it takes two people committed to be parents to have a child and if one isn't, then I'm not sure it's right to go ahead with it. And yes, the man should have a vasectomy and the woman should work out if she wants a childless life with that man.

I don't understand this tolerance for useless fathers. Mothers don't get to be useless or 'grow into their roles'.

I don’t understand how anyone can insist that someone is brilliant at everything, and I think like to of mothers ARE dreadful and many more get endlessly criticised for their substandard attempts. Help him be the best Dad he can be if you still want to be with him. Move on if you don’t.

Only men seem to get to be allowed to 'just not be interested' in small children and yet be 'great dads' overall. No one seems to think it's relevant whether women find doing all the routine, everyday care of a small child fun. No one finds changing a nappy, soothing an ill baby or washing baby clothes interesting, and very few people find small children interesting for all of the 12+ hours a day that small children actually require care. If we all just did the bits of parenting we find fun and engaging babies wouldn't even survive, let alone thrive. Being a parent should mean doing what your children need and would benefit from, not what you find personally enthralling - and if you can't meet that (rather low) bar then you aren't a good parent, even if you begin taking a passing interest in your children in their teens.

But do we all have to be “good” at everything?

Of course we don't all have to be good at everything. But I think most people would agree that if you're not even trying to be a good parent then that is quite a serious failing.

He's not just a shit father, he sounds like a pretty shit husband.

He doesnt sound a good dad to me and I wouldnt want this for my DS. I dont really get PP saying that it's ok to ignore small children as some people just dont like them. Um, what? How is that the childs fault? Utterly bizarre way of excusing crap parenting.

"I think it takes two people committed to be parents to have a child and if one isn't, then I'm not sure it's right to go ahead with it" .

So you are, in fact, saying that a woman should abort her pregnancy if her partner isn't committed to the potential child. Nice.

Good god I see we've descended to the 1950's where women are at fault for falling pregnant,

How does a woman “fall” pregnant these days when there are so many ways to avoid it?

When there is abuse or coercion then of course pregnancy can/will occur but beyond that I have never understood it.

Also, why do women insist on becoming pregnant by men who have said they don’t want to be a parent?

How does a woman “fall” pregnant these days when there are so many ways to avoid it?

You don't believe that contraception fails..?

I just got pregnant with an IUD in place, which was in the right place and fully functional. IUDs have a failure rate well under 0.5% in those circumstances. As it happens the pregnancy didn't stick, but people get pregnant the same way they always have.

I do think that if you continue a pregnancy the father is unambiguous about not wanting, you are choosing to take the risk that it will cause the end of the relationship, but that said it's a crappy, difficult position to be in with no good choices, and a woman has to weigh up the risks and her personal feelings and choose as best she can.

I find some of these posts weird. He IS the Dad. OP leaving him won’t change that. All that will happen is either he will abandon/semi-abandon his child OR he will sole parent him badly for half the time. How is that better for the child??

OP just has to decide if SHE wants to be with him or not, he’s already the father.

What is the point in staying with this man? You are merely funding his lifestyle and he is giving nothing in return, not even affection towards his own child.

Love doesn’t give up no matter how tough it gets! No matter what..

Flaming 'eck! This isn't a Mills and Boon story, you know.

Would you say this to a person suffering DV? Or someone who's partner rapes them? I bet not.

But staying in a relationship that is clearly making you unhappy isn't right. It's not going to be great for the child as it doesn't give them a good grounding for future relationships of their own, and it can actually leave them suffering their own issues (try asking my DD and DS about their dad, they still suffer MH issues).

Kick him out, and hopefully your stbex will realise what a massive dickhead he’s been and up his game. If he doesn’t then at least your boy will grow up knowing what a crap father looks like and avoids ending up as one. All this crap about teaching him, nah that’s not your job. What your responsibility is to now do is to show your own son that his fathers behaviour is not normal, that women are not domestic servants who are born to do all the shit jobs so men don’t have to. Think of it as making sure your little boy ends up in a successful relationship in the future. That means not treating him like a prince and making sure he knows how to do all the chores as he gets older and learns to respect his mum.

If you stay with the deadweight that’s who your boy will grow up to be...

You have to talk to him clearly and frankly. He may be so selfabsorbed and immature that he has no idea he's in the wrong and causing damage.
I was in for a shock with my OH in the early days in that he honestly didn't get the notion that parenting was meant to be a team sport not a solo activity. He had just been raised in such a cossetted way that he had no concept of looking outside himself.
The writing was quickly on the wall and it has actually been a pleasure to see how he responded and over the years he's been marvellous. But Jesus, he needed some real life skills explained to him first.
If after doing that, you don't see an improvement, well you'll have your answer.

Every time I log in here there's yet another description of what almost feels like a caricature of the deadbeat loser dad.

Why the fuck did you marry and have a baby with someone who, by your own admission, shows no affection to anyone? How did you expect this to turn out? Of course you should leave him.

I earn well over double the average UK salary, have a full time maid, wife is SAHM, contribute to her family financially, spend time before and after work and all weekend with my son, and still get grief from my missus! Going to start showing her these threads I think! (lighthearted before you all start)

Also, why do women insist on becoming pregnant by men who have said they don’t want to be a parent?

Why do men who insist they don’t want babies keep impregnating women?

Devils advocate.

I think it’s difficult for many men to parent babies and toddlers. Babies mostly want their Mum’s, especially if the Mum is a SAHM and they’re breastfed. Men can feel a little redundant and be unsure what to do. Then by the time they’re toddlers it’s fallen into a routine of Mum doing everything and the men still feel a little useless. Toddlers still tend to want Mum as well, let’s face it, it’s natural instinct.

My Dad was useless with me until I was four (my Mum told me as much). He didn’t do a thing with me until I reached an age where I wasn’t in nappies, didn’t have tantrums, was fairly independent and sensible etc. All I remember is him being an amazing Dad, I don’t remember him being useless at all.

Toddlers still tend to want Mum as well, let’s face it, it’s natural instinct

This isn’t true. My husband and I have parented equally and my 3 year old will ask for him as much as me in middle of night, if hurt etc. Children want who looks after them whether that’s one or two people.

Jesus Christ this thread! Op you don't need to "train him up". He's an adult and not only a bad father but also sounds like a terrible partner. What is actually the point of him?

My Dad was useless with me until I was four (my Mum told me as much)

It’s interesting that it’s your mum who told you that, rather than your dad admitting it. Why does he get a free pass? If your mum was useless with you until the age of 4, do you think you’d still say she’s an amazing mum? Having a partner who for an entire four years did little to nothing for their own child must build massive resentment in a relationship, I could understand if your mum was still bitter about your dad doing nothing but still being praised.

I also disagree with this nonsense that only mothers can parent babies/toddlers. Good grief, what low bars women set and accept for themselves.

I have been ill in bed with a nasty virus for the past week. DH has done all the parenting of our toddler. He hasnt complained, it isnt the first time, he know's what he is doing and my DS has coped just fine with his other loving competent parent.