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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NDN ringing my door bell every single day.

60 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 16/06/2019 16:22

Bit of background info, my NDN isn't NT, she has alot of learning disabilities and has a physically disable 1YO DD but also a NT 4YO who is a nightmare.
We get on, I have helped her out with furniture and other household items which I have no complaints about as she is by her own words living on the breadline.
Recently she has started ringing my door bell every single day because DD4 wants to come and play with my DD6, I have had her over once and I couldn't handle it.
She put a plug in the sink and left the taps running.
Drew all over DDs reading book for school.
Swears like a trooper.
Throws things around.
Tantrums and so on.
I said to her mum I wouldn't be able to do it again, it was too much for me as I can't run around keeping an eye on her as I'm almost bedbound from PGP.
She won't stop though, I've had to start ignoring the door because her DD just runs in and upstairs then hides and the mum just laughs!
I really want to stay on good terms as apart from this she is a lovely neighbour but I don't know how to handle it in a nice way.
I'm due in August and I'm dreading the thought of this still happening when I have a newborn Sad
How can I nicely handle this situation?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 16/06/2019 16:28

Just unplug the door bell and ignore her. I had this with an old neighbour two doors away. I'd answer the door and say no play date today, and his daughter would run in! Can you open a front ground floor window to talk out of? Just say not this week because you're not feeling too good. As long as you say it in a nice way, you don't have to have someone's kid every day! I wonder what she would say if you did it to her? !

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2019 16:29

I'm sorry, but ignoring her won't work. You need to be direct and politely forceful. If you fall out with her, that's on her.

BogglesGoggles · 16/06/2019 16:33

Do you actually need the doorbell? I would just turn it off.

ThePerturbedPenguin · 16/06/2019 16:34

Tell her, then lock the door and don’t answer when she rings.

WillLokireturn · 16/06/2019 16:39

This is your home, she isn't going anywhere so ignoring her and hiding isn't going to fix it. You'll just feel trapped. You need to say "We don't want DD round to play. So stop asking."

You can put a chain on your door, open it a crack if that helps.

FriarTuck · 16/06/2019 16:40

Chain on the door so you can open it, say no, and the child can't get in?

Starisnotanumber · 16/06/2019 16:40

Get a safety chain put on your door do it only opens a couple of inches,that way the little girl can't get in plus your little one can't get out.
They're really easy to fit and only cost a couple of pounds

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 16/06/2019 16:43

You need to start with removing the doorbell completely - all of it. Then you can legit ignore the door. You also need to be direct and say you can’t have her child over.

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 16/06/2019 16:44

Yes and door chain is an exceptional idea.

lhastingsmua · 16/06/2019 16:53

You say that she has learning disabilities, this might mean that she doesn’t ‘take hints’ (like ignoring the door) very well so might be better suited to a more direct approach. It doesn’t seem like she understands typical social norms very well, or if she does then she’s clearly taking the p!

I would unplug the doorbell, knock on her door and let her know that you can’t look after her daughter everyday and that the constant knocking/ringing is disrupting you.

If you wanted to, you could possibly give her your number/social media or an email address so she can ask you first instead of banging on your door. In iCloud mail or google mail you can set up alias email addresses so you can give her a dummy one, not your real one

HomeMadeMadness · 16/06/2019 16:54

Can you tell her no without actually opening the door? Surely she'll get sick of trying once she realises she can't get in. You sound lovely by the way OP.

S1naidSucks · 16/06/2019 17:05

Get one of those security cameras that link to your phone. Some of them will let you know as soon as the person approaches the house, so you get a chance to prepare yourself before the doorbell goes. You can also get one that does that an has an intercom system, so you don’t have to open the door, but can simply say you’re busy and can’t have visitors today. Make sure you say TODAY, because if you say ‘at the minute’, she’ll just keep calling back. If she does call back, then just don’t answer. Also get a baby gate for the bottom of the stairs so if she does get in, the child can’t run upstairs.

S1naidSucks · 16/06/2019 17:07

Sorry, lhastingsmua, but definitely wouldn’t give her any contact details, as she’s liable to bombard OP with calls and messages.

Feelingwalkedover · 16/06/2019 17:10

Easy ,turn of door bell.lock doors ,don’t answer .she will eventually get the message

LoeweHammock · 16/06/2019 17:10

I agree, you need to be direct.

''I don't want a play date''.

''I am not inviting anybody in now''

It is momentarily awkward just in the moment but later you feel LESS awkwardness than if you'd been indirect.

Gustavo1 · 16/06/2019 17:12

I’d just say “we won’t be having playdates until the new baby is born. Please stop asking every day.”
When baby comes, either the idea will be passed or you can a new “not until”

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 16/06/2019 17:32

Thanks for all the advice!
She doesn't take hints at all, I ignored the door 2 days in a row and thought I'd managed it but then she saw me getting out the car with DH the day after and after 15 mins the door bell rings!
I feel so guilty, she doesn't seem to have alot of visitors and I'm sure it must be a struggle with her eldest DD not being in school yet and having to manage a physically disabled 1 year old too, if it wasn't for the fact I am almost totally crippled I'd love to help her but it just really isn't doable for me at the moment.
I might just take the batteries out the doorbell then I won't feel as guilty for ignoring because technically I won't know if she is or isn't ringing it!
If she was NT herself I'd have no qualms in being more assertive or even rude but as much as it's really driving me mad I can't bring myself to possibly hurt her feelings as silly as it sounds.
Also loving the idea of getting a chain on the door!!

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 16/06/2019 17:33

Chain on the door or opening a window to her are both good suggestions. Just don't open the door so the child can't get in. Tell NDN you are not in a position to mind her child.

SavingSpaces2019 · 16/06/2019 17:34

you do realise she's bullying you?
You've told her why you don't want her dc around- and she's laughed in your face and carried on trying to force you to do it.

she doesn't give two shits about your condition or your feelings - so stop feeling responsible for her in anyway and tell her frankfully and forcefully to stop.

If you don't deal with this now she's only going to carry on once your baby is here and ruin that time for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2019 17:37

Why are you so afraid to stand up to her? If her feelings get hurt it's because of her shit, cheeky behaviour. Take control and get rid of her. She's no friend.

DragonTrainer3 · 16/06/2019 17:42

Could you get one of those door bells with a camera and a voice feed, so you can see who it is and reply without opening the door at all? And just say sorry but you're not feeling well when she rings.

Alternatively you may have to spell out quite clearly that she's not welcome to come unless she and her daughter have been specifically invited. She sounds like she may have difficulties with social cues, so you may just have to be very direct with her (but kind).

littlemissmoomoo · 16/06/2019 17:44

Is the dad of her children around? I would imagine she has a social worker? Sounds like she needs help to look after her children. Social services might be able to provide her with more support.

fedup21 · 16/06/2019 17:45

You've told her why you don't want her dc around- and she's laughed in your face and carried on trying to force you to do it.

This.

She is taking the piss. Stop answering the door.

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 16/06/2019 17:52

I really don't think she's bullying me, well not intentionally anyway!
She just doesn't seem to have any social skills, for example if I'm stood talking to her and I say oh I'm off now just going to put dinner on or something along those lines, she will carry on the conversation it will take a good few attempts before the goodbye is finalised!
What makes it worse is I am also on the spectrum (aspergers) so social skills also aren't my strong suit, it makes for a very complicated situation.
I'm not afraid to stand up to her in the slightest, I just really sympathise with her and can only imagine how difficult her day to day life is which is why I'm pussy-footing around it. I don't see anyone visit her, she never mentions family and her DP is abit of an oddball ( never see him, he never seems to go out with her either) her DD starts school in September so I'm hoping by then she might be abit more occupied and less likely to be at my door constantly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 16/06/2019 17:55

I wasn't sure whether she was laughing nervously? Even so I would of expected her to atleast tell her DD off or take some control.
She does the same when her DD swears just laughs it off. It's awful really.

She does have a social worker but I don't know how much involvement there is or if they're actually providing support. I'm not sure if she's just lonely or hopes that if her DD is at mine then it gives her a break.
I honestly don't know.

OP posts:
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