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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NDN ringing my door bell every single day.

60 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 16/06/2019 16:22

Bit of background info, my NDN isn't NT, she has alot of learning disabilities and has a physically disable 1YO DD but also a NT 4YO who is a nightmare.
We get on, I have helped her out with furniture and other household items which I have no complaints about as she is by her own words living on the breadline.
Recently she has started ringing my door bell every single day because DD4 wants to come and play with my DD6, I have had her over once and I couldn't handle it.
She put a plug in the sink and left the taps running.
Drew all over DDs reading book for school.
Swears like a trooper.
Throws things around.
Tantrums and so on.
I said to her mum I wouldn't be able to do it again, it was too much for me as I can't run around keeping an eye on her as I'm almost bedbound from PGP.
She won't stop though, I've had to start ignoring the door because her DD just runs in and upstairs then hides and the mum just laughs!
I really want to stay on good terms as apart from this she is a lovely neighbour but I don't know how to handle it in a nice way.
I'm due in August and I'm dreading the thought of this still happening when I have a newborn Sad
How can I nicely handle this situation?

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 16/06/2019 17:59

You have had her only once and that one time she ran upstairs and hid? How is this girl familiar with you house?

Custardandnoodle · 16/06/2019 18:08

Be blunt. Tell her you want to help but can't at the moment. "Sorry, not today, I'm not Well,". Also tell her child off. Your house, your rules "we don't swear in this house. If you do it again I'm taking you home." What do you think she'd do if you did that?

ALongHardWinter · 16/06/2019 18:08

You say she's 'a lovely neighbour'. Really? When she laughs in your face when her Dd runs into your house and hides? Even though she knows you are in severe pain from PGP? Sorry,but she certainly doesn't sound lovely to me. I think the only way you are going to be able to deal with this is by being blunt. Otherwise things are going to get a lot worse.

Jux · 16/06/2019 18:09

Either talk through a downstairs window or put a chain on the door, or jam a chair under the handle before you answer. "Not today, soory. Not well." and shut door sharpish.

Kanga83 · 16/06/2019 18:15

I'd be blunt. 'Sorry, DD has had a busy day and she doesn't want to play with someone much younger than her and I don't want to babysit. Bye'.

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 16/06/2019 18:22

No her DD has been round once which I agreed to (before realising how bad she was) then on another 2 occasions shes just ran in, sorry should of made that bit abit clearer!
I know she probably doesn't sound lovely but this issue aside she's a polite, kind and friendly woman, if she sees me struggling with shopping she will come out to help, has offered me loads of baby clothes and says she's always free for a coffee and chat if I need it.
It's just this one big massive problem that's getting in the way.
I know I'm going to have to be more assertive it's just knowing the line between firm and rude that I'm struggling with.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 16/06/2019 18:24

The downstairs window idea is also something I'm going to try!

OP posts:
WoollyMollyMonkey · 16/06/2019 19:02

Would a baby gate fit across the bottom of your stairs?

FrogFairy · 16/06/2019 19:08

It sounds like this family would benefit from Homestart if it is available in your area.

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 16/06/2019 20:27

@wooly yes and I'm really going to think of putting it up will just need to teach DD how to use it as it's a right faffy one!
@FrogFairy what's homestart? I'm in the Midlands so I'm assuming we would have it.

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 16/06/2019 20:31

This is Homestart, a service providing support to families with young children. You can search on their website to find your local one.

www.home-start.org.uk/

SavingSpaces2019 · 16/06/2019 20:35

if I'm stood talking to her and I say oh I'm off now just going to put dinner on or something along those lines, she will carry on the conversation it will take a good few attempts before the goodbye is finalised!
Oh god! That's something i do too!
I'm an aspie too OP so you have my complete sympathy Grin

I would prefer it if people were more direct with me in those situations, because despite 'knowing' and doing my best to remain aware, in the moment it all goes out of my head.....until later when i will overthink it to it's nth degree.
When it's someone doing it to me, i have such little patience for it Grin
I just say i meed to go and then force myself physically to move away even if they're still talking and it looks rude. i've perfected the art of having an air of being 'busy and gotta go' before they even get that far into their monologues Grin

She may not be fully aware of her behaviour, but her behaviour is bully behaviour - carrying on with harmful behaviour regardless of being told/knowing how it affects you.

You don't need to be nasty to her.
She'll probably take offence no matter how nicely it's done.
All the more reason to just bite the bullet and be direct - "DON'T contact me re dc. I'm not doing it- and no i won't change my mind in the future"
If she then starts finding other excuses to contact you - and her dc just 'happens' to be there - then that's manipulative behaviour even if she may not be fully aware of it.

cake7pn · 16/06/2019 20:48

I would tell her and her daughter honestly 'im very unwell at the moment so there will be no playdates'. Just keep repeating it, and say the same with the newborn.

I would try and avoid having the daughter in the house again. We used to have a child sneak into our garden to play, even when we weren't home. Once you are up to it maybe a park trip but that's the most you should do

user1486131602 · 16/06/2019 20:57

Maybe contact her partner or social services.
Tell her kindly but directly that you will not be having play dates as you are unwell. Add, please stop ringing the door bell everyday as I am trying to rest before baby comes, it takes me ages to get up or down. Reiterate the same by saying, please stop ringing the bell all the time because when the baby comes it will need peace. Then take batteries out of bell and get chain on door. Also, ask you hubby to say the same n the same words so she gets the message.
Good luck with the baby!

WeeDangerousSpike · 16/06/2019 21:15

Could you say something like 'I'm pleased we are friends, and I like spending time with you, but I'm not well enough to look after your DD, and the girls don't really get on/have much in common, so playdates aren't really going to work for us. But you're welcome to come over for a cuppa on xday at xtime if your DP can watch your DD.

It's not rude, but it's not ambiguous either.

Meccacos · 17/06/2019 04:59

@SavingSpaces2019

you do realise she's bullying you?
You've told her why you don't want her dc around- and she's laughed in your face and carried on trying to force you to do it.

she doesn't give two shits about your condition or your feelings - so stop feeling responsible for her in anyway and tell her frankfully and forcefully to stop.

If you don't deal with this now she's only going to carry on once your baby is here and ruin that time for you.

This is everything I wanted to say ....you’re completely right. She doesn’t give two shits and just wants to use you for free child care.

Her life choices don’t equal your responsibility.

ElectricLions · 17/06/2019 06:17

We have a Ring doorbell, so camera with speaker and you can talk to the person at the door from your phone. Also very handy if you are out and someone comes with a parcel.

That way you don't even have to go to the door, sit on your sofa and answer the door from there.

It is the easiest thing to fit too as Ring provide everything you need from the drill bit to the screwdriver inside the box! Basic model is £89.

We also have an internal ringer for it but we can just switch that off too if we don't want the doorbell ringing.

Chamomileteaplease · 17/06/2019 06:50

The thing is, by being direct you are actually being kind to her. It is much more unkind to hint and to drag the whole thing out.

I am sure you can say to her that you can't have her daughter over at all, but still remain friendly with regard to everything else you do with her that you say you like doing.

Think of it as making the situation clear for her which is surely a help. Plus she probably has no one else around to tell her that her daughter's behaviour is unacceptable so maybe she needs to hear it.

Notonthestairs · 17/06/2019 07:14

I have a DD with learning disabilities.

No need to faff around with doorbells. You just need to be consistent and blunt (kind but blunt). Nuance and social niceties are often not observed. Memory retrieval is also an on going issue - so something understood today may well have been entirely forgotten or lost the next. I appreciate that will be wearing.

You sound like a good person and a kind neighbour - but it will be a lot easier on you both if you maintain your boundaries.

Notonthestairs · 17/06/2019 07:17

By the way my DD laughs when she's told off - it's actually a fear/panic response, particularly if I've inadvertently spoken too quickly and she can't quite process what's gone wrong. It's not intended to be disrespectful.

formerbabe · 17/06/2019 07:18

I think you should say to her that she needs to stop ringing your doorbell now you're pregnant because you need to rest and once you have the baby, they will be asleep a lot and you don't want them to be woken up. I think this is easier then just saying no or telling her straight up...the learning difficulties definitely make the situation more delicate. Whereas if she was just a cf, you could be more blunt.

LakieLady · 17/06/2019 08:03

I think that if you disable the door bell she'll just knock instead!

Ime (used to have a lot of LD adults among my clients) to get your point across you have to be very clear and just keep hammering home the same message: you can't cope with her child and therefore, no more play dates.

Eventually, she'll get it.

AlyssasBackRolls · 17/06/2019 08:05

I know it's a Mumsnet cliche but no is a complete sentence. You don't have to give a reason. Smile and say no. Repeatedly if necessary. If she's not particularly sensitive you're not going to offend her that easily.

formerbabe · 17/06/2019 08:18

I know it's a Mumsnet cliche but no is a complete sentence

It's not. In real life, if you just said 'no' to requests, people would think you're crazy and extremely rude.

SkintAsASkintThing · 17/06/2019 08:35

I'd contact SS. It sounds like she's struggling and could do with some support. Her DD may be lacking stimulation in the home which is going to impact her behaviour.

I have a good friend who has SN and also has 2 DC. She's a good mum, but really struggled with talking and playing with her DC. She could handle basic tasks and they were kept safe and clean but struggled going beyond that.

I was quite surprised she didn't have a sw tbh but an event occured where ss became involved. She's gone from doing ok to really thriving. She engages with her DC a lot more and has them enrolled in allsorts of groups and activities which benefits them as they also have sn.

In her case SS involvement was what she needed. It really has been a positive for her and the family as a whole.

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