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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ruined fathers day - now he wants to fight me in court

67 replies

BunsOfAnarchy · 16/06/2019 16:21

Told DH i have PND 4 weeks ago.
He put his head in the sand. Accused me of cheating. Tells me im lazy and a shit wife. (I have been shit to be around and im not exactly doing much housework any more).

He refuses to emotionally support me through this. Even a hug or askin if im okay would do...but no. Nada.

He said the day i told him that he would fight me in court for full custody of DD (14months). This shit ne up so ive been reluctant to bring up my PND again.

Today he was Hungover as fuck and i tried to get him up so we could go a place i have planned to take him and DD for fathers day.
He got annoyed as hell then said he only has 1 lie in and i ruined it and i ruined fathers day, told me to fuck off and leave as he hates me and i (stupidly) said 'fine i WILL leave, talk to you through a solicitor then' as i left through front door.
He went upsatirs and leaned out the window and shouted at 9:30am 'i know youre fucking cheating too and watch ill take her off you in the divorce'. We live in a tiny Close of 10 houses. Im so embarrassed.

What do i do? Where do i stand?
Where do i go from here?
I cant stay with him as he refuses to help emotionally with my PND and just wants me to 'snap out of it'. He has ALWAYS had a short fuse and he has never helped me through anything emotionally, just let me get over it myself.

He things the courts will give him full custody because i have a mental health problem. And i am an unfit mother.

AIBU to think that although i just want to leave him, i cant because im terrified my daughter will be taken away from me?

What do i do?

OP posts:
StellarLunar · 16/06/2019 16:32

  1. go to your doctor for help with PND 2)Get legal advice and ltb It's unlikely he'll get your daughter because he sounds like a lazy bastard and I doubt he'll actually be arsed to 1) take you to court 2) fight for her 3) bother his arse to look after her even 50/50

Think how much better off you'll be without him Flowers

The neighbours, if they did hear, will think he's a dick so don't worry about them

PanteneProV · 16/06/2019 16:33

You need to speak to women’s aid and / or a solicitor. If you left is there somewhere safe you can go?

Having PND doesn’t make you an unfit mother, and your baby won’t be taken from you because of it. Have you been the primary carer? If so there’s just no way he would get full custody.

SpanglyPop · 16/06/2019 16:37

LTB and dont look back. Better still kick him out.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/06/2019 16:38

Do you think he means it? Or do you think he just said it to be spiteful? Whats your gut instinct.

He wouldn't get more than 50/50 shared care anyway.

PurpleStripes · 16/06/2019 16:41

I've been going to the freedom program and have learned that this type of buster is called the 'bad father'. He will make you think that you're mentally ill, he will threaten to take your children and he will threaten to use the courts to control you. 9/10 they do not succeed. Please don't not seek help for your PND through fear of him getting your DD. It's so unlikely!
Do you have RL support?

PanamaPattie · 16/06/2019 16:44

See a GP. LTB. I can almost guarantee that he won't fight you in court for anything as this would mean spending money on some thing other than himself and actually making an effort.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/06/2019 16:45

What you said wasn't stupid, mistimed perhaps, but not stupid. What you have is a man who, for hs own reasons, is unreasonable and unloving.

What you need to do know is gather real life support around you, GPs HVs, family, freinds and Womens Aid too!

I hope you and your DD have somewhere safe and supportive to stay until you can sort this out!

Branleuse · 16/06/2019 16:47

before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure youre not just surrounded by arseholes......

He wont take her from you. They nearly ALL say stuff like that. Hes just being a cock. Divorce the fucker. Youll be a lot happier in the long run

endofthelinefinally · 16/06/2019 16:47

I think your pnd will improve once you leave him.
But you really need legal advice before you do anything.

Beechview · 16/06/2019 16:49

Even if you didn’t have pnd, you’d be struggling with a partner like him around.
I have no legal advice but I doubt he’d want full custody of a child if he values his drunk nights out and lie ins. It sounds like he’s just saying that to get at you.

Go get medical advice from your gp and legal advice from a solicitor.

Karmin · 16/06/2019 17:05

Why is he so focused on you cheating, could he be cheating?

You will not get any love or respect from this person. You need to work out what you need to do to leave. You don't want your DD seeing this as a normal way of having a relationship.

Don't give him anything else, all conversations need to be business-like and calm. Emotions are for private.

Go to your GP, or HV tell them everything about how he treats you. You don't need to be embarrassed, people think a lot less about others than we imagine, even the curtain-twitchers!

Do you have anywhere else to stay? Contact Women's Aid, you can do the freedom programme online.

He is telling you he hates you, believe him. The relationship is over, but you will both be your DD's parents forever more.

Lizzie48 · 16/06/2019 17:09

I really don't think he's going to fight you for custody, he won't want to be the sole carer. It sounds as if he values his nights out drinking too much.

You and your DD will be fine without him. But you mustn't be afraid to ask for help with your PND, there is help out there. Thanks

Seriously, I went for so long not wanting to ask for help with my PTSD, because I was afraid of SS becoming involved. It didn't mean that at all.

19lottie82 · 16/06/2019 17:11

He won’t try for full custody. And even if he did, he wouldn’t get it.

oneforthepain · 16/06/2019 17:16

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247

You have symptoms of PND because you're being abused.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - they can help you make sense of this and what he's done to you.

But first, Women's Aid and legal advice.

You've got nothing to be embarrassed about.

blackcat86 · 16/06/2019 17:17

Remember that he's probably trying to intimidate you and talking rubbish. But just in case make your sure seen by people who can vouch for your parenting. Can you go and get your DD weighed by the HV? Have you got a local children's centre with a play group or drop in? Does DD access nursery or a childminder? A court will take these people's opinions of your parenting a lot more seriously than your mum (for example, or anyone else who will of course say lovely things about you) so start branching out and being seen. Make sure you're also the one seen the GP for DD or the dentist etc. If you're getting help and DD is thriving then he can do one cant he. Also think about your other support network. If he claims you cant possibly cope without him, make sure you have a fantastic support network so you dont ever need to rely on that bastard. I have PND and its horrible. Tell your GP that he doesn't believe you and has been horrible and threatening. See if counselling or CBT are avaliable locally. You deserve better anyway.

Singlenotsingle · 16/06/2019 17:17

It's all bluster. You'll be much better off without him. LTB. He want want to be responsible for looking after a baby. They all say it just to frighten you

PerspicaciaTick · 16/06/2019 17:19

Christ, if he can't be asked to get out of his pit and spend a nice day with DD on Father's Day, I don't imagine he is going to be interested in doing all the relentless, boring, day-to-day stuff that comes with being a primary carer.
Look after yourself, he isn't going to.

Bluetrews25 · 16/06/2019 17:19

Partners who accuse others of cheating without grounds for suspicion are usually cheating themselves. Seen it many times on here, OP, sorry.
Do you really think he is a better parent than you when he would not get out of bed to go out with his DD today? Do you think he will be bothered to take this to court? Do you think he will get up in the night over and over again, deal with nightmares, potty training, wet beds, vomiting and all that? Teach her to read, help with homework, do the school run? Not a chance from what you have said.
He is just threatening this to keep you in your place.

TixieLix · 16/06/2019 17:19

If he says he only has one lie in a week does that mean he works the other six days? How does he propose looking after a baby if he's at work all the time? You're the primary care giver OP so see the GP to get treatment for your PND and then get advice and support to leave this pathetic excuse of a man.

Topseyt · 16/06/2019 17:21

He's an arsewipe.

PND is awful, but I suspect it will improve rather significantly if you can dump him.

PND is very common and does not render you an unfit parent. Your husband sounds like much more of an unfit parent than you.

Take your DD to stay with any family or friends who are able to help you out at the moment. Visit your GP to get help with the PND. Get legal advice too.

janetforpresident · 16/06/2019 17:21

He won't be able to have more than 50:50 care just because you have pnd. It's a stereotype. Millions of women care for their children with pnd. it's not like the tv still choose to tell us where the mother is a danger to her baby just because she has a mental illness.

Get rid asap and you may see your mood lifting considerably. He is clearly an albatross around your neck. What a horrible horrible man.

1CantPickAName · 16/06/2019 17:22

He sounds like a total cock and you will be better off without him.

Having no support or love can make you feel depressed but it might not be pnd, in retrospect you might find that it was him and not you.

Do you have somewhere to go today/tonight?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/06/2019 17:22

I also think your symptoms may improve without him.

Is he Dad of the year now? Does he do 50% of the childcare? I strongly suspect he does very little and would run a mile from taking responsibility for the children. He is using your attachment and care for your DC as a weapon against you because he knows it hurts.

Speak to your HV and GP and contact Women’s Aid.

BarbarianMum · 16/06/2019 17:22

Is he a really hands-on father? Do you really think he wants the hard work and expense of being a single parent? Or is he just a pathetic, mean little bully who likes threatening you?

I'm betting it's the latter.

Jux · 16/06/2019 17:23

You have got your child with you, haven't you?

He won't get full custody, especially considering you are her primary carer, and that she is still v young.

Find a safe place to go - parents, friend. Phone WA, Police DV Unit (you can get them using 101), and ask advice. Go from there.