Ruined fathers day - now he wants to fight me in court

[BunsOfAnarchy]

Told DH i have PND 4 weeks ago.
He put his head in the sand. Accused me of cheating. Tells me im lazy and a shit wife. (I have been shit to be around and im not exactly doing much housework any more).

He refuses to emotionally support me through this. Even a hug or askin if im okay would do...but no. Nada.

He said the day i told him that he would fight me in court for full custody of DD (14months). This shit ne up so ive been reluctant to bring up my PND again.

Today he was Hungover as fuck and i tried to get him up so we could go a place i have planned to take him and DD for fathers day.
He got annoyed as hell then said he only has 1 lie in and i ruined it and i ruined fathers day, told me to fuck off and leave as he hates me and i (stupidly) said 'fine i WILL leave, talk to you through a solicitor then' as i left through front door.
He went upsatirs and leaned out the window and shouted at 9:30am 'i know youre fucking cheating too and watch ill take her off you in the divorce'. We live in a tiny Close of 10 houses. Im so embarrassed.

What do i do? Where do i stand?
Where do i go from here?
I cant stay with him as he refuses to help emotionally with my PND and just wants me to 'snap out of it'. He has ALWAYS had a short fuse and he has never helped me through anything emotionally, just let me get over it myself.

He things the courts will give him full custody because i have a mental health problem. And i am an unfit mother.

AIBU to think that although i just want to leave him, i cant because im terrified my daughter will be taken away from me?

What do i do?

God poor you. I expect half your PND is living with a crap bloke like him.
He has no respect for you or himself. I wouldn’t worry about him bothering with courses. Feel free to write a diary of all the times he is hungover, abusive or anti social though. So you have proof that he couldn’t do a better job.
Make the phone call - women’s aid, your GP anyone. Get the ball moving.

What you do is collate evidence! Him yelling at you to f off and being verbally abusive etc. Record things on your phone. Keep a diary of when he drinks/how much etc. And of his threats to take her away from you. This is abuse. And go to the drs/speak to your health visitor about his abusive controlling behaviour.

I have PND and like you I was worried SS would be involved and it would be this big drama, played out in court with me trying to get custody back.

It's NOTHING like that. Not even a sniff of SS.

I told my GP. He put me on medication. The HV dropped in a bit more often to see how I was, not baby, and I was fast tracked through to Councilling.

He's literally no idea how PND suffered are treated, and he knows you don't, so he's using it to his advantage.

Kick him out if possible, say you need space and your baby needs to be at home, go to GP, start the ball rolling with getting help, then seek legal advice.

Don't keep this from your friends,family or even the neighbours. You don't need to air your dirty laundry but you need to start building your village.

Also, and I know that this is hard, but try to do what you can around the house. You can't switch the feelings off. But perhaps you could schedule short spells of cleaning, open the windows and put some music on. Write a list of a few small things that you hope to achieve each day such as put the washing away, tidy the lounge. Achieving things will actually help with depression. You'll feel more in control and you know that he will have far less cause/evidence of accusing you of not coping/being able to care for your child. Probably don't do anything drastic today. Perhaps stay with a friend for a night. But plan a slow careful retreat, with the support of friends, family and some advice from charity. If you split you will most likely be awarded joint custody, unless there is strong and clear evidence of abuse/controlling behaviour.

Start making plans, humour and placate him for now

We used to have a neighbour who used to scream and yell out of the window or in the garden when he was throwing his big-boy tantrums. We could very seldom make out a word of what he was saying but when we did we didn’t take any notice of it as he was clearly deranged. We didn’t even used to talk about it beyond saying “that nutter is at it again’.

I’m sure your neighbour’s only conscious thought about this is ‘why does that poor woman put up with his shit’.

Take care of yourself and your daughter and try not to worry too much. If you do decide to leave him no one will think you are a bad mother because you had PND and let the housework slide.

He sounds horrendous.
Go to the GP about whether you have PND.
Make sure it’s not his behaviour that’s making you feel like this, then him labelling you as having the problem.
Why does his think you are having an affair? Is he using it to manipulate you?
You won’t lose your child. LTB. You and your child shouldn’t be around him. Take care

He is an abusive asshole. Leave him asap. Go to the doctor to help with the PND. It is very common and there is no way a child will be removed because of that. But like others have said, you may start to feel better when you're away from this man. It could be him making you depressed and you are confusing it with PND. Best of luck.

He can’t take your child because you have PND. PND is extremely common and can happen to anyone, it doesn’t discriminate and has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person or parent.

See your GP ASAP and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Also seek legal advice and LTB, he’s a twat- I’d also be depressed if he were my husband.

Find a friend to stay with, don’t go home. Your ‘d’ h is an arsehole. Start divorce proceedings for his unreasonable behaviour. Best of luck, I hope your future is better.
Get on the council housing unless you have the money to rent privately.

I've been there and he said exactly the same things.

They will only take your daughter off you if you are seriously going to harm either yourself or your daughter.

My case ended up more serious as he physically assaulted me so social services etc., became involved. A GP report was written as part of their casework and there was just a sentence saying I'd had depression but I was sensible enough to recognise it and request help. The social worker glanced at it and shrugged and said it happens to a lot of people and it was never mentioned again! It certainly wasn't used against me at all.

Where are you now? Don’t leave the house, certainly don’t leave your dd with such a cold uncaring person. Are you working?

You likely don’t just have Pnd. Living with someone like that can cause mental health issues.

You have a very clear course of action

1. Go talk to your GP. Call tomorrow. I was terrified to ask mine for help. Even with a supportive husband, I thought I would be accused of being a bad mother. That is the pnd talking. What I actually found with the GP was incredible support. She started me on meds immediately. There was no shaming. There were no overreaction. I got the medication my brain needed to function better.
2. Make a plan to get yourself into a healthier living situation.
3. See a solicitor even if you aren’t sure you want a divorce. A solicitor can help you work out a temporary custody agreement.
4. Once you have some space, take some time to breathe and figure out what you want to do going forward.

Good advice on here OP.
He's bluffing.

He’s a complete dick! A narcissist.
Get help for your PND, get a solicitor, leave.

No court will give a 14 month old child to their father. Period.
PND does NOT give him an advantage in court!

I hope you can find the support you need from friends, parents, siblings, co-workers ( do you have healthcare at work?) your midwife, your baby clinic, or doctor, so that you feel well soon.

Just concentrate on making yourself well, not on his reactions. Your child needs YOU and that’s something he can’t help with!!
Love 💕 and 🤗

Have you been to the doctors about your PND? They will help you, please don't listen to his threats about taking DD from you you aren't an unfit mum because you have depression

Wow.
I never expected so many responses. Ill try to answer some questions and shed more light on my situation.

1. His drunk nights are very rare. However he does drink most nights at home. I think nearly every night. 2 large bottles of beer, sometimes 3 or 4 and maybe a spirit to finish. I have 3 beers on a friday night, another 2 maybe on a Saturday ,if that. I never drink in weekday. However he says i drink like a fish.

Last night he was out with his family. And got absolutely caned.

1. He works 6 days and is self employed. We have a CM and 3 days of the week he will pick up DD at midday and have her for 3 hours to feed play and give her a nap, till im home, and then is off back to work. I work all week.

1. He is incredibly hands on, compared to most. He didnt do any nights when i was on mat leave as i was BFing and also he gets up at 4:30am and it was unnecessary for me to have him up.

Now that DD is weaned and sleeps through in her own room, he does go to her if she cries at 3am.

I am back at home now. He is incredibly bi polar with me; via watsapp (when i went to my mum and dads during afternoon, when i originally posted this thread) he was threatening all sorts. He will keep the house etc (he can, i dont care), once again on about the cheating, telling me he will fight for her and no matter how many hundreds of times i said i dont want to fight and lets be civil for her, he was being a dick and telling me im not fit to be her mum and that she will be happy with him.

The thing is he has this rosy image of being an absolute perfect dad. Always there, always playing, but this angry, fucked up bitter side is reserved for me.

So now (a few hours later) that im home, DD is in bed and he is acting like NOTHING has happened. He was asleep when i came in, having a nap, and since he woke its like he is DH again.
Even offered to make me food.
Even fucking joked about having a 'quickie'.

What the fuck?

Thank you all for your incredibley helpful responses.
You have made me feel so much better.
I wont fall for his act. I still want to leave him just as much as before. I dont love this man in the slightest.
He is a brilliant father. But he isnt the man i love. Id rather he and i both move on

@BunsOfAnarchy, a brilliant father does not treat the mother of his children like this!
Keep a detailed log of his behaviour if you can, play your cards close to your chest, keep your powder dry etc lots of people on here have been through the kinds of things that you're dealing with and people on here will help you

The emotional mood flipping is an abusers tactic to keep you unsettled. If they were arseholes all the time you would leave.

Being a brilliant father isn't just about getting up at 3am and playing with the kids. It's about showing their mother respect and treating her as she should be treated, showing his children how she should be treated.

He is teaching your child that you're less of an person than him.
That's not being a good father. Not at all.

Make sure you keep all the abusive messages as evidence.
Once he is at work tomorrow get in touch with your GP / health visitor / women’s aid / a solicitor. Take a day off if you need to.
Did you tell your parents the truth about today? If not, then you should. Could they take you and your dd in in the short term?
His behaviour is honestly straight from the abuser’s handbook.

Secretly make & hide copies of all his financial paperwork so bank statements, payslips, tax letters, insurance docs, savings/investments, passport & any passwords, birth/marriage certificate & house deeds.

Ditto with your passport & docs and leave it with a trusted family member or friend. Don't tell him you're doing this so he doesn't get a chance to hide assets.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Contact woman's aid for advice.

Make a record of his abusive behaviour with date & times. Plus note down his alcohol consumption as I doubt a judge will award custody to a functioning alcoholic.

Keep this all secret. Start laying plans to leave. If you feel threatened call the police on 101 & have his behaviour logged. This will come handy in a court battle over custody.

He's not a good father at all, he wouldn't treat the mother of his child that way if he were. The drinking every single night is questionable too.

From what you have told us of his actions, he is a manipulative gaslighter and you are being emotionally abused.

I hope you're ok OP, if I were you I would take your daughter and go and stay at your parents and also speak to a solicitor as soon as possible. Also keep every bit of evidence of his behaviour.
His threats are empty and said to scare you, I would call his bluff and get out of there.

Leave. He won't get custody, in fact I sudpect you'll be back despairing he won't commit to access if he stays true to the form he is exhibiting.
He has revealed his lack of trust in you, his lack of respect as well.
I am probably over relating as much of that confrontation I have experienced from my weasel of an ex.
But go, you will feel less isolated without having the regular hope of support and comfort dashed. A corner will be turned. You may need further support with your mental health or you might feel able to do the rest yourself. The whole journey will be easier without this negative weight clawing at your back though. Best wishes and strength to you!