Husband rough 'play fighting '

[saffy1234]

AIBU for not wanting my husband to really roughly pin me down or squeeze me in apparent 'play fighting'.
He's just done it again ,came up behind me and squeezed me that hard i had to scream for him to get off me.I was nearly in tears.He's now sulking because it 'wasn't that hard',really fed up of it and say it every time he does it.

Maybe he doesnt realise how strong he is? But yes if you don't want him to do it he shouldn't do it.

Hi @Banhaha its not the first time though,a few times I've told him it really hurts me.His sulking too,its something he likes to do if he's told something he doesn't like.

Does he ignore your wishes in other areas? What happens if you say “no”?

He sounds particularly stupid. And nasty.

Have you ever sat down with him, at a different time and asked him why he does this? Keep asking questions. Especially - "how do you know it wasnt' that hard?"

"How to you know how much it hurt me?"

Why do you want to hurt me?
Why do you continue to do something I have asked you not to do?

Keep asking calmly and listen to his answers. Hopefully the penny will drop.

If he cannot have an adult conversation and finally see the light then surely you have to LTB because that's just abusive and thick.

Then he's out of order. You've explained he's hurting you and he's carrying on. Find something he doesn't like and use that an example to explain it?

chamomileteaplease Perfectly said!

From the little you have said he sounds nasty. Remember just because he calls it "play fighting" doesn't mean it isn't abuse. To hurt anyone like that is horrible and why would anyone do that unless they are vile and mean. Perhaps you should consider leaving him if this is a regular thing and he won't stop. I wouldn't like to feel that this may happen at any time and in my own home.

You have to work out whether or not he is doing this on purpose, to hurt you or to upset you. If you think he is, he's an abusive b'stard.

My DH hugs too tight. He genuinely doesn't realise his own strength. He loosens his grip immediately when I say 'too tight' and he's lovely. If I ask him to scratch my back he scratches REALLY hard. Again, I say'too hard' and he immediately does it gentler. Weird but true. I know he's not trying to hurt me.

Never been 'pinned down' though. Sounds like your instincts are right.

My ex husband used to deliberately jab me in that sensitive area just below the armpit, at the back. He knew it hurt me. One day he did it and I reacted by swinging round and punching him in the mouth so hard that his lip burst and was swollen for a few days. Told him if he ever did it again, I would react the same.
I'm not proud of my reaction, however he never did it again.
It's nasty bullying behaviour with little regard for your feelings. If he has any respect for you then he wouldn't behave like that.
Most people would do anything to prevent their loved ones being in pain, upset or hurt, not be the cause of it.

Play fighting is so often an excuse for men to hurt women and then tell them they are uptight when they object.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted to play fight. I'd be permanently on edge.

I feel like its a control thing ,as if its showing me his capacity to hurt me if he wanted to.He can be a controlling person ,well he would be of I'd allow him to be.The problem is if you push him on things or subjects he knows he's wrong about he will sulk or storm off.Im a professional woman and i know what this behaviour points at i just wondered if it was me being over the top or not and reading too much into things.My profession means I'm inclined to read into situations and behaviour of people too much,its second nature.We have three DC one of which has ASD.

Next time twist his balls. Say stfu it wasn't that hard.....

Ha!! @Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge

I agree with walkamile. A sharp elbow in the nadgers, and then tell him you were "only playing".

it's showing me his capacity to hurt me if he wanted to. - so it's a threat. He's threatening you.

Maybe he doesn't know his own strength, maybe you have a particularly low pain threshold. Doesn't matter, the point is he's hurt you numerous times, sometimes to the point of making you scream out and he still hasn't learned by it. Worse instead of apologising afterwards he goes off and sulks? That would piss me off more than anything I think. Has he always acted like an overgrown schoolboy OP?

This is the opposite of a loving caring relationship, sorry OP. I couldn't live with someone who felt the need to be rough with me. I was going to say on a regular basis, but actually, I mean ever.

Ive only noticed this in the past year or so,sulking,pouting etc.He will blame it on how difficult our son can be,he says I'm over sensitive because I'm so tired.Just seems like a cop out to me.

He isn't playing really. He is trying to be controlling and is disrespecting you badly.

Don't stand for it. If he keeps doing it consider whether or not the relationship has a future, and tell him that.

I'm going to say the same to you as I do to primary-aged kids about the same issue.

"If the other person wasn't having fun, it wasn't a game."

and

"Did s/he look or sound like they were enjoying it? They were crying and telling you to stop. You knew then that they weren't playing with you and I am very disapppinted in you. That was bullying, Tommy".

It's not play -fighting. He's attacking you, and then justifying it as a game afterwards. It's not okay for eight-year-olds to do that, and it's certainly not okay for an adult.

I actually enjoy play fighting. I do it with my son's and used to with my ex. But both parties have to consciously hold back to stop hurting each other. And the stronger person particularly. If someone accidentally gets hurt the perpetrator apologises and the game stops.
If he continues to do something that hurts after being told that's not a game.

If it's something you dislike then who is he to tell you otherwise.
But has he always done it? Meaning before you chose to have kids and marry him? If so then YABU.
It's not abusive in anyway shape or form if he is otherwise a good man so I don't know why people automatically jump on that bandwagon it really dumbs down actual abuse.

It's not abusive in anyway shape or form if he is otherwise a good man so I don't know why people automatically jump on that bandwagon  it really dumbs down actual abuse.

This is so incredibly wrong and foolish that it makes me angry. A good man does not behave like this. So if he slaps you in the face once a day but is perfectly pleasant the rest of the day it's fine? Bullshit.

What the OP describes is an all too common form of abuse. He is hurting her. That's abuse. He keeps doing it in spite of being requested stop not to. That's abuse as he has no care or respect for her boundaries.He sulks when told to stop. That's abuse. Look on the Women's Aid page on the definition of abuse. All of his behaviours are listed.

Abuse comes in far more forms than the stereotype of a woman with obvious bruising and a black eye. It may be more insidious but it's still abuse.

I'd bet a swift punch to the balls and "oh, it wasn't that hard!" would help him with some understanding.