Husband rough 'play fighting '

[saffy1234]

AIBU for not wanting my husband to really roughly pin me down or squeeze me in apparent 'play fighting'.
He's just done it again ,came up behind me and squeezed me that hard i had to scream for him to get off me.I was nearly in tears.He's now sulking because it 'wasn't that hard',really fed up of it and say it every time he does it.

It's not abusive in anyway shape or form if he is otherwise a good man so I don't know why people automatically jump on that bandwagon hmm it really dumbs down actual abuse.

I can't even articulate a response to this horrific comment.

Suffice to say it could not be more wrong.

It's not abusive in anyway shape or form if he is otherwise a good man so I don't know why people automatically jump on that bandwagon

Maybe because the OP who is actually there and knows him has said that he can be a controlling person in other areas and that she feels that he is using the play fighting to show (and I quote) "his capacity to hurt me if he wanted to".

During my years on MN I have seen "it doesn't matter if he is a good man in other ways" used to cover pretty well every behaviour under the sun from sexual infidelity to actual strangulation.

The point is, someone who deliberately signals to a weaker person that they have the power to hurt them physically is not being a good man: he is letting them know that hurting them is potentially on the cards. And in fact, he is actually hurting the OP and refusing to stop when told so.

It’s abuse and him or anyone else trying to defend or in anyway minimise that fact is not acceptable. You are not over-reacting. He is not “playing”. I would be worried what the next step on this path might be and, as long as he huffs that he’s done nothing wrong, I’m not sure how long I would stick around to find out to be perfectly honest. Especially where there are kids involved.

Have you challenged him as to why he thinks it ok to hurt you in the first place and then sulk about it ?

@PineappleSeahorsee and @Goldmandra hence why I said if he is otherwise a good man

Missed the part about him being controlling in other ways.
Apologies!

No, the "Otherwise a good man" thing is dangerous nonsense . Again, if a man slaps you once a day and is helpful and kind the rest of the time does that mean that what he's doing isn't abuse? No, it's still abuse and the whole being incredibly the rest of the time can be an abusive tactic too, because it really messes with your mind. It makes you doubt yourself. Look at how many victims of domestic abuse post about their husbands being a great husband/father after listing what they do wrong. People often focus on the good points even if they know that they're being abused. You cannot make up for an act of abuse by being a "good guy" the rest of the time. That act of violence or psychological abuse carries far greater weight than the time he looked after the kids when you were ill or made the dinner. It carries more weight than 100 of those things that should be part and parcel of a standard relationship anyway.

MissPollyHadADolly19

You have said that the OP IBU to not want to be hurt by her DH if he did it before they were married. That is utterly appalling. Nobody gives up their right to bodily autonomy or to be free from abuse when they get married.

You have also said that abuse should be viewed in the context of whether the abuser is otherwise a good man. That is a horrific thing to say.

Abuse is abuse. Someone deliberately causing pain and fear is abuse. What they do the rest of the time is irrelevant.

Your view is one that must be challenged every time it is expressed.

“hence why I said if he is otherwise a good man confused”
I recommend you go and look at The Freedom Programme before you spout any more dangerous bollocks like this.

It's not abusive in anyway shape or form if he is otherwise a good man so I don't know why people automatically jump on that bandwagon hmm it really dumbs down actual abuse.

Oh fuck off. Plenty of abusive men behave like ‘good men’ in between the abuse and it doesn’t make it ok.

OP - he is either actually as thick as shit, or he gets a thrill from hurting you. Next time, ask him very calmly ‘do you do this because you are genuinely so incredibly stupid that you forget every single time that it hurts me, or is that you actually like hurting me? Which one is it?’.

And if he won’t stop, honesty LTB because life is too short to live with abject fucks like this.

Abusive men are 'good' in between their abuse which is why sensible intelligent women end up staying. This 'otherwise a good man' train if thought is bollocks. Good men don't abuse

If he's a normally decent guy, have you had a conversation with him about it when you're both calm? Even if he doesn't intend it to hurt, it does. Ask him not to do it again because it hurts.

Then next time you can point out that since he knows it hurts, he's intentionally hurt you.

"The problem is if you push him on things or subjects he knows he's wrong about he will sulk or storm off."

Do you want to live with this man-baby for the rest of your life?

It's not abusive in anyway shape or form if he is otherwise a good man

Everyone I know says I'm absolutely lovely.
If I am otherwise a good person, do I earn the right to hurt people once a week or once a day?

So does that mean that it can't count as a criminal act if I come up to you on the street, and deliberately hurt you tomorrow?

Or is this just for spouses? Do I only earn the right to hurt my husband once a week?

Might not seem 'really hard' to him but you're a better judge being as you are on the receiving end. Just tell him, "No", you don't like it. I wouldn't like it! If it hurts and distresses you then it's wrong.

(MissIllusioned, your son's what?)

The sulking is another form of control OP, he doesnt want you to complain so is making it as difficult for you as he can. He doesn't sound great tbh with the orh6er things you have said about him

Miss Polly the OP has told him several times that he is too rough and she doesn’t like it. He dismisses her feelings and continues to do it. Those are not the actions of a man who respects his partner or cares about hurting her. He doesn’t apologise and blames her for being over sensitive. A simple ‘sorry, love, I didn’t mean to hurt you - I won’t do it again,’ might have sufficed, but he carried on.

Whether he did it before or after kids is neither here nor there. She is saying a very clear ‘No’. He is showing her he doesn’t respect her feelings. That is no small thing. It is serious and worrying. Don’t belittle what it means.

Ahh Miss Polly didn’t see your second comment. I didn’t see the pile-on when I replied, but I’m sure you get the message!

Let him sulk, let him strop. Take no notice. Tell him you won't tolerate it. If he does it again leave, only come back if he promises to change and means it. If not split up with him, you cant live like that.

This reminds me of when I was at a large Centreparks type swimming pool in Europe - lot of families, couples.

I saw several instances of men in their twenties pushing their wife/girlfriend's heads under the water and holding them under. The woman would come out spluttering when he finally let go. Ha Ha how funny! What larks! To me the underlying message is "I could drown you if I wanted to".

So. It's not even as if you don"t realise you are in an abusive relationship. Aren't you making plans to end it ?

WhatAGreatDay Agreed. Supplemental message: "I enjoy making you frightened".

I have had a conversation with him about it now and explained it really hurts and also how ridiculous it is that he sulks when confronted or called out for something.He seemed sheepish.What happens next remains to be seen.

I would bet he continues to sulk until you end up apologising to him for 'having a go' at him....

My ex used to do something similar. He would tickle me or jab me in the sides when I had told him numerous times not to do it. In fact he used to laugh at me telling him to stop. He knew he had that effect on me and so did it again and again. It was definitely a power trip. There are no excuses for this behaviour. Even now I hate people walking quietly behind me as it makes me think I'm about to be attacked. Yanbu.