Why did I have to look?!

[ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong]

Posting here for traffic.
Broke up with ex a year ago, he's had a girlfriend about 6 months, kids introduced fairly quickly and a fancy holiday booked for them all in October.
The holiday was hard to stomach, as we never went abroad together with our DC in the 15 years we were together; however, there's nothing I can do about it and I know the kids will have a great time.
I'm struggling so much to get over this, bit of a back story but the basics are, before he got with his gf he'd say jump and I'd say how high and he used to call me some horrible names like 'cunt' and 'fat slag' then say, they're only words...but my god can words mess you up so much. Then it all stopped in an instant, when he got his gf, which I suppose is good but I'm hurting still.
Anyway he gave me and the DC a lift back today from my mums as he was due to have them for the night and a receipt fell out of his van, I'd picked it up but he had drove off before I could say anything. The receipt was for flower petals, I messaged him and said your receipt for your petals fell out if you want it back and then started the messages of 'you probably used then to sprinkle them on your gf bed?' Which he didn't deny.
Why did I have to look at it? I know I sound so pathetic but can't stop picturing him doing something like that for her, which he never done for me.
I ended the messages with, 'you must have hated me so much, as you never took me away or did romantic things like that for me' I know I'm being unreasonable as it must be different with someone new. But it's just so so hard, especially feeling him and our DC and her kids are playing happy families now and I'm just left heartbroken.

He came to mine about a month ago to talk about arrangements with the DC and we ended up sleeping together, he initiated it, but I didn't stop it. It was a mistake which I wouldn't want to repeat, especially after it he said he wasn't in love with me, he's over me and that it was the biggest mistake ever, so felt heartbroken all over again. So I feel like he might be doing all this for her out of guilt, but I think things like that will come out eventually. I wouldn't say nothing to her, but if he's happy to keep it on his conscious, then that's up to him.

I know I wouldn't want him back, as too much has happened, and I know I need to stop messaging and stop comparing, but will I ever get over this!?

I'd grass him but have no shame or class.

I honestly think you have to begin the process of healing and letting go even if it means seeking counselling. You sound still so heavily invested and heartbroken. It might sound trite but it does get easier.

@maras2 I would, but I kind if feel like his time will come, or karma will bite him on the ass.

As difficult as this is, I think messaging him things like that (‘'you probably used then to sprinkle them on your gf bed?’ ‘you must have hated me so much, as you never took me away or did romantic things like that for me') is just going to cause you more pain. There isn’t going to be an answer that makes you feel better or brings you closure. It’s really difficult but you need to stick to contact about DC only, think of it as protecting yourself and keeping your heart safe.

He doesn't seem like a decent man.
Calling you names.
Cheating on his new girlfriend with you.
He's her problem now.
If you have low self esteem, work on that.
If you believe you are overweight or unhealthy work on that.
Go away on holiday on your own or friends / family.
If it makes you feel better, their relationship is doomed, be cheated on her whilst they are in their honeymoon, shiny new relationship period.

@VladmirsPoutine I think you're right. I can go for a few weeks of feeling better and then it can be one little thing and I feel back to square one.
For instance a couple of months ago he rang me to ask what resus was. I told him what it was and he said, oh her mum is in there, then said he was at the hospital, so I said I'm gonna go. He thought I was being unreasonable and nasty as her mum was dying, which I know is awful. But I asked him why did you ring me and ask and he said because you work here. But his mum works there and a friend too, so I don't understand why he had to ask me.

@Sparklesocks I know it does as I feel better in the moment, but feel like shit not long after. But I'm not going to message him anymore other then things about the DC. I start university in January, so I'm hoping by then I can start as a fresh person in a way Haha.

You're still reliving it. Going over every single thing. Asking questions that will never be truly answered, and even if they were would leave you feeling worse - thereby increasing the intensity of your pain. It frankly must be so traumatic and I've a lot of sympathy but going on like this will lead to a break down of some kind. It's all 'him, him, him'. Start thinking about what 'you' can do to begin healing.

He's pathetic.
Her mum dying is the equivalent of you reading a newspaper article about someone's death. Sad but not something you would think about for more than a couple of minutes.
Plus, he can Google it.
He's trying to make you jealous.

HarleyS you're right, I should be thankful I'm out of it now. I've recently joined the gym so working on getting myself healthier, which hopefully might lift my mood.

Oh he sounds like a tacky embarrassment! BUYING flower petals! Ha ha!

Anyone who calls their partner a fat slag is just a nasty bastard and it will come out again....his new partner will see that when he gets sick of her. Then she'll dump him.

Would you have started your uni course if you were still with him?
If not, then one more thing to thank him for leaving.
You have a new life now, one with education and new career prospects and you still have your kids, don't let him or the thought of him ruin your mental and emotional well being, save your energy for your new life.
Best of luck with your studies :)

Thank you everyone for taking the time to listen to me. In RL everyone says how strong I am and I'm coping so well, but behind closed doors I'm not and haven't really got anyone to speak to, so it's been nice to get it out on here as I feel better.
I'm still close to his mum and she even says to me, I know he's my son, but you can do so much better then him, so people must have seen how he treated me, but I just took it.

He sounds awful OP. You are much better off rid of him. Calling you a fat slag and c--t, then cheating on her with you? If he cheated on her he has probably cheated on you too.

And soon enough he'll be calling his new gf names like that.

What a relief you are out of it. Although you may not feel like that now, you can move on and meet someone new who will treat you better.

Who needs grand gestures like sprinkled petals when fidelity and respect is missing? Pathetic isn't it.

❤️❤️

HarleyS No, as I was always the one who had the steady job, he went from job to job. He now works on the railways so he's on alot more now.
I always wanted to become a nurse, so done an apprenticeship as a HCA in the hospital and have just finished my access course and finally got a place to become a children's nurse. So it has been a dream for many years, but I'm 32 now and know if I don't do it now, I'll never do it.

Deep down you know you can do better than him too.
You're loyal, misplaced loyality in his case.

@HarleyS that post above was a reply to you.

Life is hard, especially when you have had to deal with a nasty partner, every day will get better, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Show the world just how great you really are.

My brother is 32 and just graduated from medical school, there were people in their 40's also part of the same graduation year, so never too late.
Yeah, your course sounds amazing, vocational.

@MirriVan you're absolutely right he is probably made up that I still care.
I'm absolutely not going to sleep with him again, it made me feel so used like I was just there so he could get his kicks and I would never want to feel like that again, it is trashy.

Was he messaging you about her mom dying around the time he slept with you?

@HarleyS that's fantastic, I hope he has a long and happy career