Why did I have to look?!

[ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong]

Posting here for traffic.
Broke up with ex a year ago, he's had a girlfriend about 6 months, kids introduced fairly quickly and a fancy holiday booked for them all in October.
The holiday was hard to stomach, as we never went abroad together with our DC in the 15 years we were together; however, there's nothing I can do about it and I know the kids will have a great time.
I'm struggling so much to get over this, bit of a back story but the basics are, before he got with his gf he'd say jump and I'd say how high and he used to call me some horrible names like 'cunt' and 'fat slag' then say, they're only words...but my god can words mess you up so much. Then it all stopped in an instant, when he got his gf, which I suppose is good but I'm hurting still.
Anyway he gave me and the DC a lift back today from my mums as he was due to have them for the night and a receipt fell out of his van, I'd picked it up but he had drove off before I could say anything. The receipt was for flower petals, I messaged him and said your receipt for your petals fell out if you want it back and then started the messages of 'you probably used then to sprinkle them on your gf bed?' Which he didn't deny.
Why did I have to look at it? I know I sound so pathetic but can't stop picturing him doing something like that for her, which he never done for me.
I ended the messages with, 'you must have hated me so much, as you never took me away or did romantic things like that for me' I know I'm being unreasonable as it must be different with someone new. But it's just so so hard, especially feeling him and our DC and her kids are playing happy families now and I'm just left heartbroken.

He came to mine about a month ago to talk about arrangements with the DC and we ended up sleeping together, he initiated it, but I didn't stop it. It was a mistake which I wouldn't want to repeat, especially after it he said he wasn't in love with me, he's over me and that it was the biggest mistake ever, so felt heartbroken all over again. So I feel like he might be doing all this for her out of guilt, but I think things like that will come out eventually. I wouldn't say nothing to her, but if he's happy to keep it on his conscious, then that's up to him.

I know I wouldn't want him back, as too much has happened, and I know I need to stop messaging and stop comparing, but will I ever get over this!?

Thank you :)
As will you :)

Oh darling, this guy is such a grub.... you ARE better than that. Remind yourself that you don’t even like him, and that he values HER enough to spoil her. Do your nursing and feel good about yourself! I am antique and started studying nursing this year and I am loving it!!! It’s a recession-proof industry and you will forget he’s alive!!!

You said a month ago you slept together and a couple of months ago her mom was dying. Has her mom passed?

@ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong

@MrsArnott it was around the same time

@MrsArnott when he asked me was resus was, he said she was dying as she was there. But in our hospital the resus part also have bays were patients are put from A&E who aren't necessarily being resuscitated, and I haven't asked him since.

@justilou1 well done for doing your nursing, I can't wait!! I do bank a few bank shifts a week which makes me more determined to do it. I'm hoping I'll be so busy in university I wont have time to think of that stuff anymore.

I can almost guarantee you will be! I am in another country, but I can tell you that the assignment load was a bit of a shock! (Even though I am truly loving it!!!) My advice would also be to not make too many plans about where you want to end up, because if you keep an open mind to all the experiences you will encounter along the way, you never know where it will lead you. I have already changed my mind entirely about one direction and my feelings since one lot of prac have changed about one area - in a positive way. You never know how you will go with certain things until you try them!!! (Some people are rather blinkered...)

before he got with his gf he'd say jump and I'd say how high and he used to call me some horrible names like 'cunt' and 'fat slag'

This is the problem. It sounds like you have low self esteem and from the length of your relationship and your age now, you probably haven't had any other serious relationships.

He was abusive. He got away with it, because he suffered no consequences.

His mum was right. You can do better and you will do. He's not a good person and his true character will soon seep through with the new GF.

A man who loves and cares for you wouldn't speak like that, even in anger. He did it to erode your sense of self worth and he succeeded.

Those messages show you're still seeking validation from him. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing his relationship gets to you.

Try and socialise when the DC aren't with you.

You're still young...live your life with the knowledge that you're no longer with an abuser.

Good luck with your studies.

I'll probably be roasted on fork for this but You slept together last month, so Its not as though he finds you repulsive. Therefore its hardly unrequited love, which is the worse type of love you could ever feel or even unrequited lust.
No one can take away the time you've had together.
I do think with the greatest respect you need to count your lucky stars somewhere along the line.

You will probably not like to hear this but why are you saying things like "you probably used them to sprinkle on your girlfriends bed". It is none of your business what they do to or for one another. What you should have done is just hand him the receipt the next time you saw, there was no need for anything else. The pathetic messages have to stop, I'm sorry to say but they are pathetic. He does not care evidently and you're making yourself look ridiculously foolish. Get your self respect back.

It's time to embrace the fact this chapter has ended of your life and begin the healing process of moving on. Your only relationship with him is for the benefit of the children and to ensure they have the most healthy environment possible provided to them. Anything not to do with the children is not your business nor your concern.

Whilst you could surely go and tell the new girlfriend what has happened, he will twist it to make you look desperate and as though you forced yourself on him. Sadly, this new girlfriend may accept whatever spin he puts on it and you will end up looking like a fool all over again. That was a mistake, make sure it never happens again.

Pick yourself up, get your self respect and dignity back and focus on making a better life for yourself. You got this.

OP.

You really do need to put on your self respect cloak.

You've got a long road to walk to get there but when you do. You'll realize that the best thing that ever happened to you was when you broke up.

I promise.

@ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong if it was around the same time, if he's doing that to his new gf who he seems to adore and is still enjoying the honeymoon phase with, HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. If he cheats on his gf who has a dying mother then he has no shame and will do whatever the f**k he wants. Doesn't matter who he is shitting on, as long as he gets what he wants! You not his new gf matter to him if he is willing to do what he has done! Breathe a sigh of relief and thank your lucky stars that you are free of someone who disrespects his partners as much as he does. There is no happy ending for him if he carries on like this. Don't let him be your unhappy ending...you can now move on from this!! X

Nor*

I'm with some of the previous posters - in the nicest possible way (I do genuinely mean that) - the pathetic-ness has to stop.

When someone tells you to jump, and you ask 'how high?', their respect for you plummets through the floor.

As can be evidenced by his contemptible name-calling.

When you let an ex essentially treat you like an orifice, and sleep with him when he's moved on to someone else, their respect for you plummets into the basement.

When you message them to let them know they've hurt you, and you tell them that they must hate you, their respect goes subterranean.

This man doesn't do the cringe-y bed petal thing for you cause he doesn't give a shit about you. That's the net effect of asking 'how high?' when someone tells you to jump.

You need to take a look at your boundaries and standards for yourself before you get close to anyone again.

If someone who purported to love me called me a 'cunt', I would take enjoyment from showing him the door. Not hang around for more.

Thank you to others who have since posted. You're all right, I know it is so pathetic and I should have more self respect. It is actually good to read this advice as no one has said that to me.
I'm not going to message him anything else regarding this, as the pp said it's non of my business, which is true. I honestly think the hardest part is the family side with DC, but as you have said I will get there.
I'll look at this thread everytime I feel upset to remind me why this is probably the best thing I've done

@FuckOffTommyRobinson I'm glad you've said that to me as it's pathetic and if I was reading it from the outside I would be saying get some self-respect ffs.
I put off writing all this and especially in AIBU maybe due to the fact I wasn't ready to hear the truth, but it really feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and now I can start to move on and leave the pathetic part of me behind. Thank you for helping me

He is garbage.

I remember your other post. I’m going to tell you something that my family told me and it took me 10 years to understand.

He is going to treat his new girlfriend like he treated you. In the beginning you can’t see this because of the overseas trip and the rose petals - he has to do this because he needs to keep her. He has three children and most women wouldn’t want to date a guy like that - he has to go to effort.

He is trying to force a family with her. Trust me, she is not going to be happy looking after your children and dealing with fights on her first trip away with her boyfriend.

It took me years to understand that the guy that I was with for years was exactly the same to the next person. He abandoned me when my sister was dying - years later he abandoned the mother of his two small children.

I always blamed myself - I wasn’t pretty enough, it was my family (he said this a few times), I was overweight (he said this too).

The girl after me was a younger, taller, slimmer, blonder, tanned version of me. She was very very attractive.

I blocked them both on all social media. One day I see his car in an area he shouldn’t be in. I unblock Facebook and see he has a new girlfriend .... she looked like a paler sickly version of his mother

I looked at the Facebook for the mother of his children and she looked broken, no friends, single mother, and she looked like she was 40 (she was in her late 20’s).

She looked tired and sad. My point is, he did that to her. She was beautiful and he broke her.

In the beginning he took her to balls and overseas (the things he wouldn’t do with me).

But there were things he would of course have done the same - his laziness around the house, his selfishness, his unavailability emotionally, his anger, his aggression, the way he used to raise his voice to me. In the end of the relationship he called me a dickhead. He left me while my sister was dying and for years I wanted him back because I thought it was me and that I was unlovable.

I had years of failed relationships and bad tinder dates and I’ve now found someone I adore. We have a baby due next year (which he has accepted, I’m now struggling with).

My point is, he will do the same thing to her that he did to her. He will call her names and make her feel like she’s not enough. He’s only doing all the fluffy stuff in the beginning to lock her in.

I mean, he’s already cheated on her!!! I would tell her, she would probably take him back - but it would damage their relationship. Unless she doesn’t believe you....

I meant:-

same thing to you that he did to her

Sorry

he will do the same thing to her that he did to you

I’m so sorry!! I just woke up and your post was the first thing I read and commented on 🤦🏼‍♀️

@FuckOffTommyRobinson

She can’t do that as she’s still emotionally involved with him. He’s only very recently slept with her again.

There’s nothing wrong with her outburst. He treated her terrible and deserves to be called out on his behaviour.

@Meccacos congratulations on your baby news, I hope you are ok
Yes I felt that alot today, was I not good enough, skinny enough? And it's horrible to think like that as it only makes the hurt deeper.
I haven't dated anyone since, I'm a bit scared to be honest as I've never done it before, but I've had people tell me the best way to get over a man is to get under one, whilst that maybe true to some, I know I'm not anywhere near ready at all.
I don't think I would tell her, as I feel she could already be completely besotted with him, he denies it and I look like the absolute psycho ex. Your post has helped me, thank you.

He's a twat and you need to step back and stop dwelling on it. You might find ( just saying ) that his gf is the one who organises things for them to do, like holidays. Some men just never think of doing things like this ( my ex for instance) and the woman does all the organising. You look at these things and think "he's doing things for her that he never did for me " but in reality it's her that is organising the holiday , or telling him she'd like flower petals etc.

When you were with him, he was the boss - he said to jump, you asked how high. Maybe now he is with someone who is more confident and demanding so he is asking how high. Just my thoughts. Best wishes to you xx

@ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong I’m sorry for the tough love! Please do not say thank you, instead show us all and all those around you what you have!

I had initially imagined you to be quite older, but you’re 32! You are still so very young and have better things to look forward to, allow them to start coming your way. Show your children a new stronger, happier and confident mummy!

Start putting yourself first, you’re stopping your own life for someone who is continuing theirs with no regard. Even if he was single you deserve someone so much better.

Now sadly you cannot block and delete him because of the children but you certainly can limit your contact and set your boundaries. This is not even something you have to tell him you’re going to do - just do it. Any time he tries to talk to you about anything other than the children in message or person simply say you’re not interested or don’t respond. This will be a shock to his system and begin to show him you’re not the woman he once knew.

Start doing positive actions for you, things that will make you happier and help you shape a better life.

Please also do remember it will not be easy and at times you will begin to think of him and feel upset. This is normal and is part of the healing process, don’t take any thoughts of the past as a fact that you’re failing moving on, it’s just part of the understanding yourself and allowing yourself to move on. What’s important is that any time you do feel sad you remind yourself that you do not deserve what he did to you, and that you will not allow him to drag you back to being unhappy.

I’m wishing you all the best! I have faith you will turn this around and start putting yourself first.