Who's being unreasonable about the holiday?

[aloeveraplant]

So need some outside perspective on this one.
DS is 19 and a first year at university. Every summer we go on a family holiday, but this is the first year that his brother won't be able to come as he has a job. Neither of them have ever contributed financially towards the family holiday, even his brother who came last year when he was 23. Since DS started uni in September, DH and I have been on 3 holidays abroad, so we are only going for a week this summer.

DS won a scholarship at university for travelling over the summer, and offered to us that if we go to a region of his choice then he'd pay for his own flights to come with us. This was fine, as the flights and cost of the region he wanted to go is the same as where we go every other summer. Plus, I wanted to go the region he chose. And we save money through paying just 2 sets of flights instead of 3.

Now we have flights booked, we are trying to find accommodation. DS thinks he deserves a say in the accommodation, as in his eyes he's partially funding the holiday. We told DS to look for accommodation with a budget of £1500 for the week, but DH has found somewhere for £800 that he likes, but it's not in the town DS wanted to stay in.

Should DS get a say? Or should he just suck it up?

I’d tell him he gets a day if he’s paying for his accommodation too, if not he is welcome to stay where you are very generously paying for. I’d nip it in the bud now before he starts telling you which restaurant you’ll be dining each night too!

He should suck it up, given you will no doubt be paying food and excursions, plus he’s dictating where you go.

*gets a say

If he’s using a university scholarship to fund this holiday I’d expect he might have to be specific about the town too as presumably there is some academic purpose to the trip and it can’t just be random?

Yes forgot to add that sorry. The town he wants to go to is where the academic centre he needs to visit a few times is located.

The accommodation DH found is a bout a 1hr 30m bus ride each way to the town DS wants to go to.

I would go closer to the town.

As a student I went on family holidays, I did not pay. I was still part of the family.
Plus you are paid for older brother last year.
I think you're being mean sorry.
Your son wants to spend time with you. Go where he is and have a family holiday together. Why go so close but so far from him? That's just taunting him.

That’s too far away. But I think it would be better if you went on your holiday and your DS went on his academic trip. Two separate things. If you want to arrange it so he can do his then go on yours with you after, that would be kind.

I think you’re being mean

I would go closer to the town. If you didn’t want to go there, it would have been fairer to say no at the beginning.

It's a bit of a trek for him to get to the academic centre. If you weren't going on holiday what would he be doing for accommodation? I'd let him do his own thing and then meet up a couple of times while you are over there. He could get the bus to your accommodation for a day and vice versa. That's assuming he sorts and pays for his own accommodation.

An hour and a half is way too far. What a waste of time.

Go closer to him and stop being so mean. You can either afford the holiday or you can't. If you can't, don't go at all.

I think you're being a bit mean tbh. You paid for his brother before? And he's using his scholarship to spend time with you? An hour and a half is a long long bus journey in the heat- both ways as well. I'd feel pretty unimportant if I was him.

Go nearer the town he needs to be. A three hour round trip would be unreasonable no matter who paid. I’m sure you can find accommodation just as nice nearer or in the town he needs to be in.
And I’d pay for my kids until they were in good paying jobs. It’s unusual they still want to travel with you!

An hour and a half so three hours of travel a day, that’s ridiculous and

I think him actually picking the accommodation is different to him saying he needs to be near a certain town . Who wants to spend 3 hours a day travelling while on holiday . Presumably he wants to spend time with the family not shattered from travelling

Oops posted too soon... and takes all the fun out of the trip for him. If I were him I think I would just say I’d do my own thing if my family were so reluctant to support my work. I do think you should have said from the start that you weren’t prepared to stay in or near to the actual place he needs to be.

Its not the place he wants to go, it's the place he needs to go to, 1.30 is too far away.

90 min is too far. Echoing the others who suggest you are being a touch mean - who charges their DC for the family holiday? You've had three hols yourself already.

Well, I suppose you could tell him that you and DH will stay in the accommodation you have picked, and he can stay in the accommodation that he has picked in the town he wants, and which he has paid for himself. You and DH will then presumably do the hour and a half journey to visit him?
Or, and what I would do if I was you, choose different accommodation in the town he wants to be in.

Two words: climate change.

You should find accommodation in or very near the town he needs to go to.

And you are being a bit mean to your DS. You are holidaying A LOT anyway.

It's too far away. He needs to be closer. I would say no more than 30 minutes away otherwise it's a waste if time. I wouldn't expect the children to pay until they get a full time job.