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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who's being unreasonable about the holiday?

58 replies

aloeveraplant · 15/06/2019 19:16

So need some outside perspective on this one.
DS is 19 and a first year at university. Every summer we go on a family holiday, but this is the first year that his brother won't be able to come as he has a job. Neither of them have ever contributed financially towards the family holiday, even his brother who came last year when he was 23. Since DS started uni in September, DH and I have been on 3 holidays abroad, so we are only going for a week this summer.

DS won a scholarship at university for travelling over the summer, and offered to us that if we go to a region of his choice then he'd pay for his own flights to come with us. This was fine, as the flights and cost of the region he wanted to go is the same as where we go every other summer. Plus, I wanted to go the region he chose. And we save money through paying just 2 sets of flights instead of 3.

Now we have flights booked, we are trying to find accommodation. DS thinks he deserves a say in the accommodation, as in his eyes he's partially funding the holiday. We told DS to look for accommodation with a budget of £1500 for the week, but DH has found somewhere for £800 that he likes, but it's not in the town DS wanted to stay in.

Should DS get a say? Or should he just suck it up?

OP posts:

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 15/06/2019 19:57

The town he wants to go to is where the academic centre he needs to visit a few times is located.
So you really need to be there, or very close to there, then

floraloctopus · 15/06/2019 19:59

You are being mean.

ScreamingValenta · 15/06/2019 20:00

Your son should stay near to the facilities he needs. It's up to you whether you want to stay with him or in the location of your DH's choice.

Honeyroar · 15/06/2019 20:00

You do sound mean. Your husband's opinion is more important than your child's academic needs? You've had four holidays alone together, surely you could loosely base one around what he needs? Show some interest and support him. He's not going to be around or want to come with you for many more holidays anyway.

Quartz2208 · 15/06/2019 20:01

You agreed to do to the place and of course its too far to be away from the centre

I think his say is that it is in the town his academic centre is in (which was agreed) you get it beyond that

But I feel for you as I suspect your DH does not see it that way - he is being an arse

Catinthetwat · 15/06/2019 20:01

Jeez, he should get a say even if he's not paying. What is it you're running there, a family dictatorship?

I'm surprised he wants to go with you at all.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/06/2019 20:02

For goodness sake what ye thinking of. Ye have a lovely opportunity to holiday with ds in a nice place as you wanted to go there. Don't get awkward at this stage and ruin the whole thing. Find accommodation in the college city ...near enough to college to not make it difficult.
An hour and a half??? What's the point??
He sounds like a good guy winning a scholarship etc...be fair to him.

OhTheRoses · 15/06/2019 20:02

It's mean.

CloserIAm2Fine · 15/06/2019 20:04

YABU

You’ve previously paid for your adult, no longer a student, son to go on holiday. Which makes it extremely mean to not pay for your 19 year old student son. Going to the region DS needs to go to is pointless if you’re so far from the town he needs to be in. You gave him a budget, he’s found accommodation within it, what was the point of that if you’re going to overrule not just the specific accommodation but the entire town?

OrchidInTheSun · 15/06/2019 20:05

Why would you pick somewhere that's nowhere near where he needs to be?

I agree with everyone else. You're being unkind

sonjadog · 15/06/2019 20:10

No, you need to stay in the town where he will be studying.

BlueSkiesLies · 15/06/2019 20:11

Yeah, you’re being mean and petty

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/06/2019 20:14

Yabu. Ds should definitely get a say.

yolofish · 15/06/2019 20:14

sorry OP, it must feel a bit as if everyone is going at you... but I am afraid they are right. Why cant you stay in/close to the academic town and do day trips if that's what you want to do? DS needs to be there, he's got his flights paid for, you took the other DS on hols before...

ChristmasFluff · 15/06/2019 20:17

I stopped going on family holidays when I went to university - but in my family you were considered 'gone' at 18 (though harking back to another thread, I always came 'home' in holidays).

there's no advantage to him to change his plans to yours. And you funded his sibling;s holidays with you. Suppose it depends on how much you want to spend time with your kid.

I think it is telling that neither I nor my ex-husband would suggest our child be based 90 minutes away from where he needed/wanted to be for his course, regardless of funding. And this is your husband. Is he always so selfish?

INeedAFlerken · 15/06/2019 20:22

Wait.

You son is still a student.

You paid for your older son to holiday with you, but you expect your 19 year old university student to spend scholarship money on a flight to holiday with you? And now you want him to travel 3 hours round trip to get to the academic centre he needs to get to to justify it?

Wow.

Stay in the city he needs not wants, needs, you to stay in, or take a different holiday entirely.

yourelaughing · 15/06/2019 20:29

I think it's reasonable to give your son a say in the matter, not only did he pick the town due to academic needs, he is also paying for his own flights. Do you take his academic interests seriously? If so, surely you'd want to support him in this path. Discuss together what are the activities you'd like to do together, and what you'd like to do separately. That way, you can plan what you want to do on your own when your son goes to the academic centre.

Notthetoothfairy · 15/06/2019 20:33

Agree with all of the above.

123confused · 15/06/2019 20:36

You need to stay close to the town DS needs to be in for studying (not a 3 hr return bus ride!).

OrchidInTheSun · 15/06/2019 20:38

This all feels a bit golden child vs scapegoat tbh. You say this year you're only going away for a week (rather than 2 presumably?) because you've already been on 3 holidays this year.

So your DS1 has had 2 weeks all expenses paid holidays every year until he turned 22 which DS2 got them until he was 18 and now gets a week and has to pay for his own flights.

Not very fair is it?

Fuckfuckfuck123 · 15/06/2019 20:42

Op done a runner ?

GeorgeTheFirst · 15/06/2019 20:43

You're being mean. And you will end up with him choosing not to holiday with you. Is that what you want?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/06/2019 20:44

This is your 4th holiday since September. I say you stay within a 30 min walk of where he needs to be.

Undies1990 · 15/06/2019 20:45

You sound awful.

You paid for your elder son's holidays until he was 22 so why treat your other son differently?
The bus ride is too far

You've had 3 holidays, this one should be more for your son

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/06/2019 20:56

Of course yabu. You’re taking advantage of your ds’s good fortune. Let him go close to his place of study for a the duration of his studies. Then come and meet him and holiday the 3 of you in the place of you / your dh choosing.

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