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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What way would you expect a 10 yr old to behave

75 replies

smileandnod88 · 15/06/2019 09:21

Me and my partner have moved in together I had a 5yo he has a 10yo DS.

Partner works shifts so when he’s working I have his son which I don’t mind at all. But he gets on very babyish he talks in a baby voice and finds it difficult to do simple tasks which at his age I would expect him to do.

This morning he got up and snuck up to the living room door and the. Ran back to bed he did this five times until I went and told him if he wanted to get up he could. He also had a poo accident last night and the poo ended up on the hand towels in the bathroom but he didn’t tell me this I realised when he came into the living room
And I smelt it. No medical issues btw

When I told his dad he was very blasé and asked me not to make a big deal (which I wouldn’t anyway) but he isn’t even gonna speak to him about it.

What is ‘normal’ behaviour for a 10 year old

OP posts:
Thursday452poh · 15/06/2019 09:25

Potentially a reaction to moving in together id say, living with another adult and kid. Give it settling in time, at least a few months

GreenTulips · 15/06/2019 09:25

Baby voice - tell him you can’t understand/can’t here what he’s saying and ignore
If you’ve just moved in, maybe he’s unsure of the rules for getting up.

Tableclothing · 15/06/2019 09:26

Not that.

How long have you known this child? Does the current behaviour represent a recent change?

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2019 09:29

That's all within the normal repertoire of a 10 year old who's experiencing a major emotional upheaval. Which he is.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 15/06/2019 09:29

he’s nervous and unsure in new situation with you recently moving in together, also maybe he is trying to copy the younger ones behaviour to curry favour. I would give him lots of positive attention and praise him when he acts age appropriate, does school/ his mum say there are any bowel or Immaturity issues ? Seek help if it doesn’t settle down

Echobelly · 15/06/2019 09:33

Yes, I would say you can't understand when they use baby voice (I'd talk to partner about this so messaging is consistent). DH's niece (9) had a habit of speaking in a really whiney way, which is gradually stopping, but we often had to say 'Not whiney voice, we can't understand you' to discourage it

FlibbertyGiblets · 15/06/2019 09:34

I can see that you're new to Mumsnet.

Repost in the parenting section is my advice.

Abillity2019 · 15/06/2019 09:37

Is his son with you full time or does he go to his mum’s too?

DoneLikeAKipper · 15/06/2019 09:39

Is this new behaviour? If you’ve moved in together, I assume you’ve been together a good long while so know if the child has always been a bit immature for his age or is just dealing with a big upheaval by regressing. Is he not used to having a ‘mum’ around? You say he’s with you when his dad is at work, when is he with his mum?

Wildorchidz · 15/06/2019 09:43

*I can see that you're new to Mumsnet.

Repost in the parenting section is my advice.*

This.
Also if you could give a bit more information it would be helpful

rosedream · 15/06/2019 09:47

AIBU is where people like to be brutal for some unknown reason. I'd move this to parenting.

Is this a recent behaviour or has he always acted like this ?

PositiveVibez · 15/06/2019 09:48

Major life upheavel for a 10yo.

Used to having his dad around. Now he has a new adult to answer to.

I don't think some partners realise how majorly emotional it is becoming part of a blended family and just because you treat them very well, kindly and with compassion etc., it is actually a massive emotional burden for children.

MyNameIsCharlesII · 15/06/2019 09:50

Totally normal behaviour given the circumstances. And not particularly abnormal anyway imo. You probably see a 10yr old as really big and grown up compared to your 5yr old but in many ways they’re not that different, just in a bigger body.

Your dp has the right attitude.

Dvg · 15/06/2019 10:09

I disagree with a lot of people 10 years old i would expect more than that :S

My cousin is 11 years old and he can have normal conversations, helps with the laundry and the dishwasher, Can toilet just fine on his own and can entertain himself so gets up when he wishes and just waits for breakfast.

AmbitiousHalibut · 15/06/2019 10:17

Just a quick thought on the baby voice. My 10 year old DS is a thoughtful, intelligent boy but I've noticed that he often falls into a babyish voice with my MIL and occasionally me. I've been wondering whether it's his way of bridging the gap between growing up and still being fond and affectionate with us. I always gently tell him to use his normal voice, but give him plenty of hugs and loving comments to try and show him we can still be demonstrative and loving even though he's growing up. I don't know if this is the case with your DSS but thought I'd offer it as a suggestion!

SaveKevin · 15/06/2019 10:18

My 10 year old would use the baby voice in situations they are unsure, nervous and with people they don’t know.
It’s been dropped very recently. I’m not even sure they were aware They were doing it.

The pooing, needs a doctor to see if there’s a physical problem. There was another thread recently with some great advice about it.

PositiveVibez · 15/06/2019 10:19

My cousin is 11 years old and he can have normal conversations, helps with the laundry and the dishwasher, Can toilet just fine on his own and can entertain himself so gets up when he wishes and just waits for breakfast

My daughter is 10 and doesn't act like the 10yo in the OP, but has your 11yo cousin just moved in with a new step-mum and step-sibling, expected to slot in to a new way of living and have expectations of being the big brother/sister?

Original poster
smileandnod88 · 15/06/2019 10:24

I have two nephews the same age one with a step mum and a new step dad and they don’t get on like this

I have known him
Two years he baby voices in front of everyone not just me and they all play up to it

I just find some stuff irritating and I haven’t reacted or shown it but inside I’m screaming at times

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 15/06/2019 10:26

I would ask what you relationship is like with him generally? Is it affectionate, open and honest, welcoming, accepting? I have no idea from your post that you like him even.

The baby-is voice is normal - sounds like he's not sure about the new setup and how he fits into it.

The poo thing, as gross as it sounds, it can happen when growing up. He's just dealt with it ineffectively and is embarrassed. I'd just deal with it without comment.

justbeniceplease · 15/06/2019 10:31

Sounds like he is unsure, the getting up and going back to bed thing, he just isn't secure enough to known it's ok to get up.

Toileting; an accident and he tried to cover things up, again because he won't secure enough to just say.

Both normal and will come in time as king as you reaffirm to him that everything is ok and it's his home etc etc.

The baby voice is another sign of his insecurity, he is disassociating from himself; it gives him an extra layer of security to be someone else.

It's all about making him feel safe and secure, it's been a major upheaval for everyone and it sounds like he is really struggling. Positive reinforcement is what's needed here.

FoxSquadKitten · 15/06/2019 10:42

My cousin is 11 years old and he can have normal conversations, helps with the laundry and the dishwasher, Can toilet just fine on his own and can entertain himself so gets up when he wishes and just waits for breakfast

But presumably your 11yr old cousin hasn't just gone through a major emotional upheaval in their lives? 🙄

Ilovelala · 15/06/2019 10:48

He's not stupid he knows you don't like him. As a child I had three different 'step mums' across 15 years and even now I wonder about making contact with them all to tell them how disgusting their treatment of me was. By the time I was 17 I had gone no contact with my dad and his girlfriend. I was just a kid who missed my mum and my familiar life with my mum and dad in my own home. I was in a strange house and was unwelcome and couldn't wait to get back to my mum where I felt safe and home. Do you know how it feels to wake up in a house and be scared to make a noise? Flush the toilet? Be hungry but be scared to go in a food cupboard, how slow time goes when your parent is at work or whatever and you are left with a step parent who makes it so clear they don't want you around. This is a CHILD. Don't forget that. It's not all about you and I wish people like you would remember that. Can't you see speaking in a baby voice is quite obviously a reaction prompted by feel uncomfortable at the very least? My relationship with my dad will never be good and that's purely because of the way he allowed the woman in his life at the time to treat me, he asked them don't make a big deal of things and let him deal but they probably came on mumsnet telling one sided stories and getting advice from randoms instead of listening to the child's parent and justified her vile treatment of me because random people on the internet said. Speak properly to the child's father and ask the father to sort this with support of the child's mother if she is around. Explain how you feel and allow your partner to deal with this and guide you.

Wildorchidz · 15/06/2019 10:55

My sympathies in this situation are with your partner’s 10 year old child and your own 5 year old.
And no doubt before long there will be another child added to the mix..

pikapikachu · 15/06/2019 11:24
  • I have known him Two years he baby voices in front of everyone not just me and they all play up to it *

So the adults around him have encouraged the behaviour. Kids will do stuff like that if it gets him attention (which the pooing suggests)
The fact that your partner was all "don't make a big deal out of this"rather than getting dss to shower and putting pooey stuff in laundry suggests that this boy isn't parented very well and may not be coping well with you in his life.

pikapikachu · 15/06/2019 11:27

The not getting up stuff suggests that his Dad (and maybe mum) haven't taught him simple stuff like what time he can get up. Before you moved in was there a rule like don't wake up Dad before 7:30am or something? Together with the poo, it sounds like dss wants attention and is feeling insecure.

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