Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What way would you expect a 10 yr old to behave

75 replies

smileandnod88 · 15/06/2019 09:21

Me and my partner have moved in together I had a 5yo he has a 10yo DS.

Partner works shifts so when he’s working I have his son which I don’t mind at all. But he gets on very babyish he talks in a baby voice and finds it difficult to do simple tasks which at his age I would expect him to do.

This morning he got up and snuck up to the living room door and the. Ran back to bed he did this five times until I went and told him if he wanted to get up he could. He also had a poo accident last night and the poo ended up on the hand towels in the bathroom but he didn’t tell me this I realised when he came into the living room
And I smelt it. No medical issues btw

When I told his dad he was very blasé and asked me not to make a big deal (which I wouldn’t anyway) but he isn’t even gonna speak to him about it.

What is ‘normal’ behaviour for a 10 year old

OP posts:

Stormy76 · 15/06/2019 13:22

He is struggling with a lot of changes, not necessarily at home but obviously he will be looking at going to secondary school in a year or so and the school will be starting to prepare the kids for that. I have 1 DS who just charges through life and another who doesn’t cope with change at all. Regarding the poo incident, he will have been very embarrassed I would imagine and he did attempt to clean it up but he is 10 not 20. I would just say that if that happens again he needs to come and get either you or his dad for help, it’s just about tone of voice really, just be kind to him. With the baby talk I would just say I can’t hear you when you talk like that. He sounds nervous and unsure, he probably does sense that you get annoyed by him, just remind your self that he is a little boy.

puppylovebaby · 15/06/2019 13:25

He sounds like s very insecure young man. I think he needs your love, time, trust and care

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 15/06/2019 13:34

I'm sure you treat him fairly, but children can tell whether they are actually liked/loved or not. I think all children are pretty irritating, other people's children something excruciatingly so, and he can tell that your teeth are slightly gritted.

I don't know what the solution is, as I would also find these behaviours irritating. It sounds like his own father could be more present, which would make him feel more secure and calm.

FoxSquadKitten · 15/06/2019 13:39

Well my DS was doing the weekly shop, all the cooking and cleaning when he was 3 years old 🙄

Kids will do stuff like that if it gets him attention (which the pooing suggests)

I doubt he is doing that for attention, ffs.
He sounds a very insecure little boy who needs lots of love and boundaries.

Op you say you never tell him off? Maybe he needs some firmer rules and a bit more discipline to feel like you actually care about him?
His Dad needs to pull his finger out too, Poor kid.

Purpletigers · 15/06/2019 13:42

Not normal behaviour. The baby voice is strange , do people laugh when he does it ? Does he think he’s funny ? The poo incident is just disgusting .

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2019 13:45

Kids will do stuff like that if it gets them attention

And also to show the adults in their lives that they need attention.

Purpletigers · 15/06/2019 13:47

Do you like him ? Children will know if you don’t . And before anyone says anything some kids just aren’t very likeable .

slt2b · 15/06/2019 13:50

I know it's inconvenient for you but this thread just made me really sad. It's not normal to behave like this at 10. All behaviour is communication. The fearing getting up thing made me worry- has he had a difficult relationship with his mum? Perhaps she hasn't let him get out of bed or something when he's been with her.

I doubt a 10yo would soil themselves without good reason. He seems like he has fear. I would set out some boundaries, let him know he can go to the toilet whenever he wants and ask him if he has any questions for you or any worries.

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2019 14:07

OP I mean this kindly but when you moved yourself and your child into a household with another child who you find irritating and a parent whose parenting you do not agree with, did you not envisage that there may be some friction. Asking if this child's behaviour is normal isn't going to help as, normal or not, this is the child you now have to deal with.

FoxSquadKitten · 15/06/2019 14:19

The poo incident is just disgusting

Helpful 🙄

Lizzie48 · 15/06/2019 14:50

Purpletigers not a nice comment. My DD1, who is also 10, does the childish voice. It's irritating at times but it's not something to poke fun at. She's a troubled child and emotionally immature her years, which is common for children who have been through trauma. I suspect the same is true of this boy.

Some compassion wouldn't go amiss.

Original poster

smileandnod88 · 15/06/2019 15:03

He is such a well looked after boy...he gets far too much materialistic things and is always brought out and about to do ‘fun’ things there is no neglect at all. He was the only grandchild on both sides until he was 8.

Just to add his mum and dad broke up before he was born. I hug him all the time and bring him to play with my nephews when we have him who are his same age I never leave him out

But I do want more rules in the house as I don’t want my one picking up and copying any of the behaviour so I don’t think it should be ignored as ok

OP posts:

ElizaPancakes · 15/06/2019 15:07

I have two ten year olds. They do the baby voice sometimes - I tell them not too. They’re comfortable enough to get up in the mornings on their own, but they don’t have someone else plus another child to get used to.

I also have a step son. When he was that age he went through a bit of reaction like this - he just didn’t know if he was ‘allowed’ to do stuff because he either was allowed to at his mums house or he was getting inconsistent messages from all of us.

My gut feeling is that he’s feeling all at sea because of the change, I suspect you’ve made it clear he needs to be quiet at night or in the morning because of your child (which is totally normal, not judging at all) and in his mind he now doesn’t know if he should get up or not or go to the toilet in case he gets told off.

The soiling isn’t normal but like everything else I think it’s a reaction to a massive change in his life.

4under4our · 15/06/2019 15:07

This sounds like the child/stepchild of a couple of friends of ours. When his step mum moved in with his Dad (He lives with his Dad full time, sees Mum once a week IF she turns up. Has been this way since he was born).

His behaviour became increasingly bad starting with baby voice and occasionally wetting himself. Dad was also in the just ignore it camp. His behaviour became so ridiculously bad we stopped seeing them for quite some time. Constant baby voice, constantly wetting himself (not just at home, in public), violence towards Dad/other children and the list goes on. Eventually Dad reached the end of his tether and started being consistent and firm. He's still very immature for his age but doesn't exhibit any worrying behaviour anymore, that stopped pretty much overnight.

I'd be encouraging his Dad to calmly but firmly set boundaries ASAP before this escalates.

Original poster

smileandnod88 · 15/06/2019 15:10

Also to be clear the toilet accident happened at some point between picking him up from school and getting home not at night.

This morning me and my child were already up and I’d asked him was he getting up he said no and went back to bed then about 15 mins later did the creeping up to the living room door.

OP posts:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 15/06/2019 15:16

It sounds like you do loads for and with him, OP, but maybe his father could do more? Being a step-parent is tricky, especially if you are essentially covering for a biological parent who could do more, and is better placed to deal with some issues?

Wildorchidz · 15/06/2019 15:16

So how many relationships has his father had prior to meeting you ?
Has he been moved in and out of other houses before yours ? If he has then he would be insecure..

MissingInActionYouSay · 15/06/2019 15:20

@positivevibes and anybody else that felt I was having a pop or bragging......the OP literally asked how other 10 year olds behaved. I gave an example of mine. Not my fault if my fourth kid is wonderful (so fuck off) . If it's an consolation my eldest is a walking disaster and my 2nd has ASD and was non verbal until age 4. But the op didn't ask about 21 or 19 year olds. Thanks for the stars but I don't need them

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 15/06/2019 15:24

This behaviour isn't at all normal. (I have taught 10 year olds). Your DH needs to have a word. Especially about the baby voice. I would ignore him when he uses it and tell him to speak properly.

Lizzie48 · 15/06/2019 15:31

You wouldn't necessarily know it if they used baby voices from teaching them, though, Daisies. My DD1 never does it at school or with friends, only at home. I'll admit it's something I'm concerned about, and I tell her to speak properly because I don't understand the language she's speaking in.

DD2 doesn't do it at all. All children are different.

LadySainsburySeal · 15/06/2019 15:44

10 can be an odd age, not teenager yet not a child. Add a new situation like a new family setup and it could knock the most confident child off balance. He's using a baby voice as it reassures him, he vaguely remembers being looked after as a baby and is screaming out for reassurances that he is loved and wanted. Poor lad. Time, consistent behaviours toward him, and lots of love and genuine affection will help him settle and discard the attention seeking ways.

popsuey · 15/06/2019 16:32

In my experience this isn't normal behaviour for a 10 year old (depending on maturity level) but it is v. normal for a child of that age going through any sort of upheaval. I have a SD and I'd say that any sort of changes in toilet behaviour (if not medical) are one of the first signs that the child is unhappy/unsettled, along with trouble getting to sleep or disrupted sleep patterns. It sounds like you're doing all the right things and hopefully he'll settle in in time. Just keep being patient.

corythatwas · 15/06/2019 17:10

I think that the developmental question may be a bit of a red herring.

After all, we expect women in their 20s and 30s to be developmentally ready to speak calmly and explain their thinking in a mature manner, but one thing MN does very well is extend sympathy and understanding to mums who confess to having snapped or even shouted at their loved ones when stressed or worried.

This little boy sounds insecure and unhappy. That would explain the baby voice and the toilet accident. As to getting up and creeping to the door- why is this some kind of misdemeanour?

lunar1 · 15/06/2019 17:20

This is the way he has been raised, you moving in doesn't Chang that. His dad and extended family you have seen him with are all happy with the behaviour.

Personally it would drive me up the wall. Did some part of you think he would change because you live together now? Yes, he will influence your DD, it's inevitable.

I never know why people with incompatible parenting styles decide to blend families, it's not the fault of the children that they can't just become what a new partner on either side expects.

slt2b · 17/06/2019 19:51

He wiped his arse on a towel lunar and came down smelling of poo, hardly normal behaviour for a 10yo and the OP isn't being unreasonable to not expect it.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread