Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why people have children when they clearly put their career first, by having a 24hr maternity nurse from day one and a full-time nanny from 3 months?

1005 replies

gogetter · 24/07/2007 17:54

Call me old fashioned but why bother when you are going to see your child for maybe an hour a day on weekdays?
It's not financially needed for mum to return to work (far from) so why leave your teeny weeny baby with a nanny during the most amazing time of their lifes?

A bit strange I fear!

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 29/07/2007 21:55

kerrymumbledore - well said, you said what i tried to say badly in 50 words with 5

Tortington · 29/07/2007 21:55

i actually think home ec is the least of their problems - maybe if they fucked off home ec, PHSE citizen shit, art, woodwork RE and PE and introduced them less frequently and concentrated more on Maths science and literature maybe some of these kids would have a fighting chance at qualifications.

the long term solution is to make EVERYONE go toparenting classes and change the societal expectations thrughout britain and not just certain sections within it.

lucyellensmum · 29/07/2007 21:57

CP - what is it exactly that you do with these families? you don't seem to have a very high opinion of them.

I'm off to eat my chinese takeaway now (yummy) clearly im too lazy to cook a sunday dinner

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 29/07/2007 22:18

deal with anti social kids and if its recognised that parents have no parenting skills then they are refered to these places.Its very common and v sad

TiredFedUpNanny · 29/07/2007 22:35

Parenting skills are very different to being able to iron sheets.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 29/07/2007 22:40

I agree

But some of the mothers do not have a clue how to put a meal together or do a food shop.The quite basic things really

lucyellensmum · 29/07/2007 22:41

yes, parenting is about loving and nurturing, so what if the house is a pit and the DCs have to eat soggy chips once in a while. Teenagers can try the parenting skills of a ubermummy, believe me. I probably made a big huge hash with DD1 but taking a step back and allowing her to find her way was probably the best thing i did for her. I just hope that i can refrain from being too controlling with DD2. Sorry, tangent. But surely parenting is about guiding, listening and loving? Something that i think, trying to get the thread back on track here, SAHMs and WOHMs do equally well.

lucyellensmum · 29/07/2007 22:44

i think cp you are talking about a very small subset of the community. If their needs are so extreme one would hope they are getting all the help and support they need. But i think that is a very different thread. I think this one was generally about pefectly able mums and their choices regarding working or staying at home.

TiredFedUpNanny · 29/07/2007 22:46

lucyellens mum, I bet your DD1 is an absolute credit to you and am sure you are being very hard on yourself there.

Parenting is not about being able to keep the house clean and tidy; it's about offering the developmental opportunities and nurturing needed for a child to reach adulthood as a happy and healthy individual.

I am aware, through my studies and work, that some parents, like the ones you talk of, need extra help when it comes to knowing what constitutes a nourishing and nutritious diet. As you say, it's usually been faults of their forebears and their forebears' forebears. But I do disagree with anyone who thinks that good parenting stretches to being a good housewife.

If a husband wants his wife to raise his 4 children, service him in the bedroom AND keep house, then I think he probably needs to hire an assistant.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 29/07/2007 22:46

yes i can see how my post has drifted from OP.However its not as rare as you think andon that depressing note its a swig of gaviscon and im off to bed

Quattrocento · 29/07/2007 22:51

What an interesting thread. The opening poster asked if she was being unreasonable to wonder why people have children when they clearly put their career first, by having a 24hr maternity nurse from day one and a full-time nanny from 3 months?

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. Firstly other people's lifestyle choices are none of your business. Secondly many women have the sort of careers where to have a lot of time off is viewed as demonstrating lack of commitment, and a return to work is expected in pretty short order. They have very little real choice about the matter.

You may suggest a career change but quite frankly most people living in London need two jobs just to keep a roof over their heads.

lucyellensmum · 29/07/2007 22:58

If a husband wants his wife to raise his 4 children, service him in the bedroom AND keep house, then I think he probably needs to hire an assistant.

ROTFPMSL oooh, my side hurts

What exactly is going to be expected of said assistant?

3andnomore · 29/07/2007 23:21

would all be worked out when doing teh contracts

OH, and on CP's point, sadly it isn't all that rare and I can just imagine the people she is talking about. And, really these familys will live quite differently from anyhting we would normally expect....and by no means am I the queen of clean....but well....often there are so many issues at work with the people...and it's not even their fault...some people just haven't got a chance, or for them to have that chance it would need more then absolute dedication, etc...

Judy1234 · 30/07/2007 08:03

That's my point. Housewives may be very good at playing with the children in the gardne but the house is often a tip and they often aren't that eager for sex so they aren't doing the job properly. The job is not giving 1 - 1 to one - or 1 - 3 to three children all day but also involves looking after the house, admin etc etc. Although if you look back to the 1950s plenty of those women at home had a cheap servant to do some of the cleaning. Even my parents in the 1960s sent my father's shirts and the sheets out to be laundered and they weren't particularly well off.

I know people who have had a maternity nurse whilst they're on maternity leave or even if they don't plan to go back. I would have hated it - someone showing me how to deal with my baby as if I didn't or wouldn't know and them living in in the house. I just don't see how parents like it but some do and I certainly found when I had a day nanny and the twins and was working at home having them brought to me for regular breastfeeds and cuddles but then removed until my work was finished was a wondeful set up I'd recommend to anyone.

lucyellensmum · 30/07/2007 08:58

my child is happy, my house is a tip - my DP is happy, cos im always up for it ;) Xenia is a 50s babe at heart, it seems.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 30/07/2007 09:39

LEM, sounds like the lyrics to a rap song

blueshoes · 30/07/2007 11:47

"If a husband wants his wife to raise his 4 children, service him in the bedroom AND keep house, then I think he probably needs to hire an assistant."

I gave up a ft career to take up a pt flexible job when dd arrived. I see childcare, keeping house and admin as firmly within my domestic job spec. I may not have much time to do all of it properly, esp since dd and ds are below 5. But if so, I try to delegate the workload, eg to cleaner, au pair, dh (when he is home, he does ironing). I use nurseries. But I do almost all of the menu planning, food shopping, admin, finances. I know the ins-and-outs of what happens at the nursery, organise the thank you cards, costumes, cake-baking, sewing of name tags, what-have-you. I budget, shop with coupons, try to get best deals, ebay etc

I pull the strings at home and dh leaves it to me to tell him if something needs doing.

That was the raison-d'etat of my justifying the drop in salary to go parttime, so my dh could concentrate on his career.

I know Xenia, you don't approve. That's ok - I wanted our lives to be less stressful and for dh's time at home to be more child-centred, rather than chore-centred.

So I wonder, those of you who are SAHMs, do you not see all this as your job spec as well?

3andnomore · 30/07/2007 12:07

Blueshoes...I think most stahm do...I mean, admittedly, as in any Job there are parts we like more, etc...but that is part of the deal....! DH, lucklily doesn't expect the house to be spotless nor does he expect me to be up for it whenever....but think he is happy enough with things as they are...he believes in Quality over Quantity

He does also help with some chores in the house, but mostly that is optional and he knows I appreciate his help...one must not forget, that afterall, the men have at one point reached the end of their shift, whereas, if there was zero help at all, the mum would never reach that and anywya, come on, as asahm you tend to not get weekends off, or Holidays, etc...anyway...
saying that...I am happy to be a sahm and therefore I accept it's aprt of the parcel

3andnomore · 30/07/2007 12:08

Only thing I do NOT do is gardening....because...quite simply....I am even more rubbish wiht that thehn housework (actually when I do housework I am good at it, lol...tis just I rather not do it, so keep it to the bare minimum)

HappyDaddy · 30/07/2007 12:14

Custy, I got jumped on for suggesting parenting classes for all once. Surely it would be no bad thing?

Niecie · 30/07/2007 12:30

I agree with you blueshoes, somebody has to be the domestic 'chief' and the other the 'indian'. Imagine the chaos if you were both trying to do the same things. One of you needs to step back and take charge of the domestic stuff.

I agree with 3andnomore too though - the downside is there is not time off for good behaviour. SAHM don't get a holiday. I'm not complaining but sometimes a change is as good as a rest and whilst DH can step from one life to another (ie work to home) and get a change of pace, that doesn't happen for SAHM. Mind you I still don't want to go out to work and have to do that 9 to 5, day in day out thing and DH is more than happy to do it - he enjoys it so we are happy with things as they are for the time being.

HappyDaddy · 30/07/2007 12:33

I do admit to smiling to myself whenever dw does say "oh, i've hardly spent any time with dd today" if she's been shopping or doing something for the house but with her mate. I just think, well I didn't buy a new kitchen suite but I've enjoyed being around dd. That's probably cruel but I am slowly ceasing to sympathise with dw.

The only other thing that annoys me is the "you haven't done this right, or why did you do that like that" when I'm the only one who does any household stuff.

lucyellensmum · 30/07/2007 12:33

but happy daddy, it depends what you mean by parenting classes, if it is to teach us what to do with a duster, then i already have a suggestion .

I do not think that housework should be at the expense of quality time spent with the children. IF that were the case it seems to me the children would actually be better off in nursery.

My mum bought me a plaque for the kitchen : it reads: Dull women live in immaculate houses.

Now if you dont mind, ive got cleaning to do ;)

HonoriaGlossop · 30/07/2007 12:35

HD, no wonder you're annoyed. Do you TELL her when she says this stuff? Don't be letting her get away with it if it's unreasonable.

HappyDaddy · 30/07/2007 12:45

Yes, my usual response begins with "as you do fuck all around the house, or with dd, you are in no position to comment".

That goes down a treat.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.