To ask you to help me with my DD aged 5. She's heartbroken about the concept of death. Please help!

[PFB2]

DD is a very sensitive soul and a deep thinker.

My parents had a dog that died when DD was 2.5. She has always talked about him ever since and sees pictures of him sometimes so he hasn't been forgotten. We'll call the dog Jack for the purpose of the thread.

The other day on our way home from school, DD started crying saying she missed Jack. She was an emotional wreck, crying her eyes out. I gave her a cuddle and told her that he's in heaven now and that she can always remember the nice times she had with him. She cried and said "but mummy, I can't remember the nice times because I was too little". It seemed strange for her to be so heartbroken so out of the blue, especially since she can't really remember him clearly. I gave her a cuddle and the tears eventually stopped. Later that night she told me she had been waking up at night crying because she misses him. I reassured her again and left it at that.

Then tonight I put her to bed. We read a funny story book which had her in massive fits of laughter. I went out the room and 10 minutes later I heard her getting up. She was crying again and she said it was because of her missing Jack.

I went into her room and cuddled her. I started asking her why she felt so sad about it and it has become apparent that it's more death that's upsetting her than Jack dying. She was asking how long people live, when I'm going to die etc and she was so heartbroken about the whole thing. She was saying through her tears that she wishes we could all live forever. I explained to her the fundamentals of how that wouldn't work in reality and told her that she'll never ever be alone. She'll always have family around her. I just feel so sad leaving her in bed now knowing that this will all be going round and round in her head. She's my eldest so I have no idea if any of this is normal or not and I just don't know if I'm dealing with it in the right way. I just feel she's too young to have to go through all this sadness.

She has known about death for a long time and we have always had open conversations about things but equally haven't made a fuss of it.

Please help. I feel so lost with all of this

I'm posting here for traffic. Sorry.

Sounds like you dealt with it very well, it's something all of us have to come to terms with but mortality is a bit of a shock for children! Just keep being loving, you are doing a great job.

I also should have added that she had a moment when she got very upset aged 3 when she realised that people die (not just animals). She has understood death since then and the fact that people will all die. She also knows about funerals, grave yards etc and has done for a while so that's why this has really come out of the blue.

Op, I was exactly the same as your DD at a similar age. I remember it always kicked in at night time when I was in bed and I used to cry myself to sleep. I remember it so vividly. It brought tears to my eyes just reading your post. Sorry not much help but I did eventually grow out of it.

It’s a thing. I said that if nobody died the planet would be full of people so we have to die to make room for new people. And that we live on in our relatives and memories. I don’t personally believe in heaven so didn’t involve that at all.

I went through a similar stage and so did DD. Just keep reassuring her and it will pass eventually.

It sounds like you are dealing with it well. Many children that are become preoccupied with death because they suddenly realise that people and animals die. They also start to realise that death is final.

I think continue being open and honest about death and let her talk when she wants to as this will help her in time.

My son is 5 and asks lots of questions about death/people dying too.

And that after a while you’d be a bit bored as you would have done everything so it’s sctualjy quite good to die.

I remember when I was little crying because someone told me that when I was 104, my mum would be dead. I was heartbroken but my mum told me she'd never leave me. It's stuck with me , I was only about 3

My DS has a similar phase albeit he was a bit older (6, year 2) It just came from nowhere and he was sobbing his heart out saying that Daddy and I would die one day and he’d miss us forever. I’m tearing up just typing this.

However it WAS just a phase. But it’s so tough!

I remember both of my children going through a similar stage. You're doing exactly the right thing.

I read my younger DD 'Goodbye Mog' (Judith Kerr) and she seemed to really respond to it. It's a lovely book.

I’m a Christian, so I didn’t have this problem!
I think it’s a shame that atheists inflict their depressing nihilistic beliefs on children.
You can’t disprove the existence of God or heaven, so why not keep the benefit of the doubt and let your DC have the comfort of believing Jesus’ promise of eternal life?
Personally I look forward to death, to being reunited with my much missed DH (who died when the DC were both babies) in the loving presence of God. My faith has kept me going for 27 years as a widowed single parent - I value the support of my church and my God, in coping with bereavement.

From what you're describing you seem to be rushing to reassure her (very natural) but I wonder if she just needs you to sit with her and allow her to feel and express her sadness to a sympathetic ear. I know she's young but it's still perfectly normal and natural to experience grief, and she needs to know that. Perhaps it would help to shift your focus - it's not your job to shield her from grief or stop her feeling sad, it's your job to support her to find her own way through grief to recovery.

We are going through similar at the moment with dd2 who is also 5. She's had three deaths of people fairly close to her, in the past couple of years, one her class teacher 😓 and she has talked a lot about death.

Recently she has been beside herself, generally at bedtime, because she doesn't want to die. It breaks my heart. I know exactly how she feels. Death is terrifying when you think about it, for me anyway. It's so difficult because the usual line if people due when they're old etc etc doesn't hold for two of the people who died that we know. And I can't say, don't worry it's not going to happen, because obviously it is. All I have been doing is cuddling her and soothing her and trying to say that even though we all die, we have to live our lives, have a good life and make the most of it. "Live your best life" I suppose. She seemed to take that on board. We talked about what she would like from her life and she said she likes writing and when she's writing she doesn't worry about dying, so I am encouraging the writing.

Hopefully it's a phase.

Have never done the heaven thing with DD.

We explained that love doesn’t die, so the love you feel for people/pets carries on when they’re not here anymore. She’s 8 now and prefers the “came from stardust, back to stardust, energy never dies” approach.

My 5 year old talks about death and heaven a lot too. We unexpectedly lot out dog when she was 2.5. It was only 2 months after she lost her great grandmother.

She regularly cries and brings it up. We just talk to her about heaven and try to reassure her.

I’m a Christian, so I didn’t have this problem!
I think it’s a shame that atheists inflict their depressing nihilistic beliefs on children

ODFOD.

OP there is a brilliant book called “The Invisible String” that deals with all sorts of separation- it tells a story about how we are joined to people we love with an unbreakable invisible string. If they move away, or there is a family separation or someone dies, the connection is still there.

It’s a really powerful message. Worked with my DC - he has a whole narrative that when you’re in the same space invisible strings are all fat, when you’re far apart the string is super fine and made of invisible steel.

Sorry for your loss Babdoc but I have to say the first part of your post did actually make me laugh. How smug and patronising?!

I don't believe in Jesus as the son of God and I don't believe in heaven or a spirit, so why would I lie to my children? Do you not "inflict" your belief in Christ and a Christian God on your children in the same way I "inflict" my belief onto mine? (which I don't btw, they are entitled to make their own minds up, dd1 considered herself to be a Christian)

Sadness has nothing to do with age. You sound like you're doing amazingly, OP. Open and honest. My husband died last year when my son was five. We still live the grief daily but he also knows we all die and I honestly don't think it frightens him.

Just keep answering her questions and reassuring her

Oh OP! I found this the hardest bit of parenting. It's so hard to watch them struggling with the concept of never having their parents/siblings/grandparents around. All mine went through it and usually around age 5.
I found really tiring them out before bed helped. I also blatantly lied to them and promised we definitely wouldn't die until they were grown up. Risky, but we got away with it!

It's quite a normal stage of development. It's scary getting to grips with your own mortality. I would monitor what she is watching to ensure it's not triggering memories unwittingly. She will get through this just offer lots of reassurance

Atheists don't fear death, Babdoc. We have the beauty of knowing we are all stars and will return to being so after our earthly existence.

Codemonkey, I am so sorry for your loss and the crassness of my cross post.

I have a 5 year old who went through a similar phase, but younger (an elderly relative died). I think you're handling it well, I sort of handled it with "truth but NOT the whole truth" if that makes sense. Eg, I've let her believe that death is something that only happens to very old people, who have lived long and happy lives. I know that's not entirely true, but she was getting anxious about dying herself, or mummy and daddy dying and I wanted to reassure her that it's s long, long time away. Every now and again she comes with something very morbid, but it doesn't upset her too much anyway.

Babdoc, I'm with others that you come across as a bit smug. I don't think Christians are immune to grief. OP mentions talking about heaven with her child so she's probably not an atheist. That said, even for those who believe in heaven I think it's not always helpful to use this as consolation - it's another way of pushing away the sadness rather than pushing through it, and is vulnerable to future doubts and changes of belief.