To ask you to help me with my DD aged 5. She's heartbroken about the concept of death. Please help!

[PFB2]

DD is a very sensitive soul and a deep thinker.

My parents had a dog that died when DD was 2.5. She has always talked about him ever since and sees pictures of him sometimes so he hasn't been forgotten. We'll call the dog Jack for the purpose of the thread.

The other day on our way home from school, DD started crying saying she missed Jack. She was an emotional wreck, crying her eyes out. I gave her a cuddle and told her that he's in heaven now and that she can always remember the nice times she had with him. She cried and said "but mummy, I can't remember the nice times because I was too little". It seemed strange for her to be so heartbroken so out of the blue, especially since she can't really remember him clearly. I gave her a cuddle and the tears eventually stopped. Later that night she told me she had been waking up at night crying because she misses him. I reassured her again and left it at that.

Then tonight I put her to bed. We read a funny story book which had her in massive fits of laughter. I went out the room and 10 minutes later I heard her getting up. She was crying again and she said it was because of her missing Jack.

I went into her room and cuddled her. I started asking her why she felt so sad about it and it has become apparent that it's more death that's upsetting her than Jack dying. She was asking how long people live, when I'm going to die etc and she was so heartbroken about the whole thing. She was saying through her tears that she wishes we could all live forever. I explained to her the fundamentals of how that wouldn't work in reality and told her that she'll never ever be alone. She'll always have family around her. I just feel so sad leaving her in bed now knowing that this will all be going round and round in her head. She's my eldest so I have no idea if any of this is normal or not and I just don't know if I'm dealing with it in the right way. I just feel she's too young to have to go through all this sadness.

She has known about death for a long time and we have always had open conversations about things but equally haven't made a fuss of it.

Please help. I feel so lost with all of this

I really relate to this OP. My DS is a similar age and another sensitive soul. One time he lay in bed crying because he had learned about the solar system and that Pluto is way out there on its own in space, so he was concerned about Pluto being lonely and sad. We've also had many, many conversations about when we will die, who will die first, will he die, will he be with us when he dies, etc etc. The other week we went to a graveyard he's been desperate to visit for a while because he wanted to see what it would be like when he died. He's already decided on burial rather than cremation.

Ultimately, I think the important things are not to lie and say you/they won't die and not to sugarcoat the reality of death - be real about the fact that when people are dead they don't move, speak, interact with others. As to what happens afterward, that's another conversation.

Excuse typos. Should be: she comes out with and Anymore not anyway.

Don't be silly, Serin! You're not crass and it's entirely normal to reassure your children by saying you won't die until they're grown up.

I think one good way to talk to kids this age about it, since they often love babies, is to say that if nobody died, there couldn't be babies, either. If you're ready to talk about evolution, talk about how the only way there are people at all, is because of all those generations of ancestors who came before us.

And make sure she knows that you understand it is sad, and that we all wish that the people we love could be the exception to the rule, the ones who live forever. But it can't work that way, so all we can do is make every generation better than the one before it, as best as we can.

The mortality realisation is a rite of passage. It's a maturing of the mind and emotional being. All you can do is help her realise that life is precious, that our experiences as living creatures is important and that we should always try to leave people feeling better that they had met us.

Been through the same with both my DSs - so hard. My youngest seemed to take it harder so we talked about different beliefs (like reincarnation) which seemed to help. Years before he was born I had a cat that died and he often pretends he is that cat reincarnated which is odd but works for him

@Babdoc - how is it comforting to know that you might go to Hell and burn for all eternity...?

OP - this is a phase that most children go through.

I agree with a PP that sometimes you just need to sit, listen, be present and comfort. Let her say what she needs to say. We all need to process the concept of death. She will come out the other side.

Smug, sanctimonious Christians are the fucking worst. I thought humility was a Christian virtue?

Please ignore Babdoc's obnoxious and unhelpful post advising you to brainwash your child into believing in imaginary friends. Some Christian she is if she is this smug. Pride comes before a fall and all that.
It sounds like you are doing brilliantly. It is heart breaking to see our children struggle with such complex emotions that are really quite tricky for adults to process and verbalize, let alone children! Don't underestimate the power of a hug and just listening. I'm sure it's just a phase, which doesn't help in the short term I know. Could you stay with her, reading a story to distract her until she falls asleep for a couple of nights, or would that not work?

Is she familiar with Mog the forgetful cat? In Goodbye Mog she dies, but helps the kitten settle in and then floats up into the sun. My two LOVE IT. Dd got hysterical about missing grandpa the other day and he died before she turned one. Ds is quite happy with the going up to the sun idea.

OP, have you read ‘Paper Dolls’ with her? It’s just so lovely about things and people living on in our memories after they’re gone.

Babdoc I wasn't brought up atheist, I believed in heaven, and I was still absolutely distraught when my granddad died because I wanted him in my life then not sometime in the future.

The op has mentioned heaven so both @babdoc's suggestion that believing in heaven will prevent grief and @howlovely's suggestion that it's brainwashing to believe in an afterlife totally miss the point.

For the most part our fear of death is fear of missing our loved ones. It is a comfort to think they are in heaven or in the stars or wherever you believe they are rather than just gone forever but it still means you will never see them again in this life.

I am sorry for your little girl op. If you do believe in heaven perhaps talk more about this to offer comfort. Ultimately she will feel better in the morning and at 5 she is likely to move on quite quickly and basically forget how she felt.

Do you have any nice videos with the dog in? If she were to mention him again you could maybe tell her a nice or funny story about him and/or show her the video then you could go on to say how he got very old and poorly and wasn't able to have these fun times on earth anymore so he went to heaven where he could rest and is very happy there. It obviously depends what you believe though.

My dd(6) knows that we did but usually we are very old and go to heaven. My Ds(8) knows that some people die young/in accidents or because of illness. He is able to cope with that but she isnt ready yet. I suppose you just have to make a judgement on what and when to tell her.

When I was about eight, it finally sunk in that whatever I did, I was going to die one day. I remember lying in bed crying and feeling panicked that time was ticking away and I couldn’t stop it.

I’m not sure how I came to terms with it (although, yes, I did go to a Christian school and found the idea of Heaven comforting). But really, I think that school and hobbies kept me busy and I learnt to live alongside this fear.

I like the idea of us all being stars/stardust. Another thing that helps me, is to think of a time before I was conceived. Many other people, including my family, were enjoying their lives. I wasn’t around to share in any of it. And yet, I wasn’t sad, or frightened, or bored. Wherever I was, I was absolutely fine. So I have nothing to fear about going back where I came from.

Unfortunately I went through this at that age (still am!) due to 2 of my friends losing their father in a work related accident (we were all 5 at the time)...my father worked in the same industry so it made my anxiety levels sky high and I think that's why I still suffer.
I'm a Catholic convert...used to be an atheist...so it has nothing to do with belief. Life is finite.
I worry greatly about this issue with my kids...my eldest is 6, and as a family we've suffered many loses, my own mother and DHs mum at the end of last year. I'm just waiting for the penny to drop, and because I'm a convert I've chosen to allow my children to chose their path and I suppose we'll just have to have a long discussion that hopefully ends with remembering all our loved ones and enforcing the idea that I'll always love them no matter what etc...
This post did bring a tear to my eye, as I thought I was the only one who did this growing up! Death needs more respect and explanation in our society.

Bless her. My nephew at a similar age got terribly upset as he realised his daddy’s father was dead “but you haven’t got a daddy daddy”.

Have you got her to watch the lion king? Circle of life and all that.... it’s a part of life innit x

When my youngest was 5 I was very ill and was lucky to survive he asked if I was going to die and had a realisation that we won't be around forever he then had some psychological issues because of it which effected school and home life school got a psychologist involved who said it was normal in children of this age to have these realisations we shouldn't brush it under the carpet but don't over discuss the issue either also reassure them they'll always be looked after, be loved and in time they will settle - allow them time to talk not just listen to you, encourage them to draw or act it out if that's easier and above all show them your there for them. Hes so much happier and probably more resilient than some of his friends of a similar age because of his experience although I'd rather he hadn't gone through it.

I read "Goodbye Mog" with DD 4yo yesterday. That line about flying up and up and up and right into the sun always gets me so I think I had a little catch in my voice.

"Yes," DD followed up thoughtfully, "and then she was DEAD Mummy, wasn't she? Do you think she sizzled up like a sausage like the Enormous Crocodile?"

She is not a poetic soul, what can I say.....

Awh I remember DD being terrified of death.
I remembered the story of water bugs and dragon flies.
I also lied through my teeth, how she didn't have to worry about it for at least a 100 years.
She did get over it, though is still very sensitive.

Another vote that it's normal and you're doing a good job! I think it's a typical age for working through something that is pretty big and fundamental. If you Google it there's some good tips on how to discuss it with children.

I had the same not long ago with my DD aged 4, she asked questions like "when will you die daddy?" And "when do we all just stop living?" And it was difficult to deal with, although I handled it in a similar way to yourself. She was upset and kept saying "I don't want you to ever die daddy" but I suppose it's part of the learning curve. It's definitely a tough one though - she often refers to my grandad (he died when I was 6) as being up in the sky in heaven, as well as our old family dog. Myself and my partner go along with it even though we aren't religious and don't believe heaven exists, I suppose we do so because we can see it's a way of her coping with the issue. In short, It's definitely not unusual for your DD to be questioning this and getting upset over it and you handled it well in my opinion. You wish their beautiful little minds didn't have to deal with such realities, but alas we all do eventually.

Could you watch Coco together? I found it really helped my DD when her guinea pig died.

I love that children ask the big questions. Many adults not want to think about death because it is frightening and the ultimate unknown. To the Christian lady upthread: your faith sustains you, but none of us really KNOWS FOR SURE what happens when we die. You believe you will be reunited with your husband and other dead loved ones - but we don’t know for SURE that happens. That’s why “doubting” Thomas was my favourite of Jesus’s disciples: everybody else was just like “Brilliant, JC is risen from the dead!!!” T was like...hang on a second. Very human. And sensible.

Anyway, @PFB2, your wee girl is indeed a deep thinker, bless her heart. I was raised Catholic in Northern Ireland. I went to funerals with my parents (often of elderly people and almost always with an open casket). It was an important thing to do I think as, even from a young age, I realised that death is part of life. But when I think deeply about it, even now, at 38, it does frighten me. I don’t KNOW for sure (see above) that I won’t die and end up at some kind of judgment point whereby all my transgressions and kindnesses are weighed up! And the alternative (that I just cease to exist and my consciousness just is snuffed out): I mean, I can’t even get my HEAD around that one!

As to what to say to your daughter: I might explain that, although we do all die, it’s true, you hope to be with her for many years longer and want to enjoy that time you have together here in life. Reassurance while not sugar-coating the reality is probably key.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2017/oct/23/grandma-is-dead-five-tips-for-talking-to-children-about-death

This article is also thought-provoking. Good luck!