To ask you to help me with my DD aged 5. She's heartbroken about the concept of death. Please help!

[PFB2]

DD is a very sensitive soul and a deep thinker.

My parents had a dog that died when DD was 2.5. She has always talked about him ever since and sees pictures of him sometimes so he hasn't been forgotten. We'll call the dog Jack for the purpose of the thread.

The other day on our way home from school, DD started crying saying she missed Jack. She was an emotional wreck, crying her eyes out. I gave her a cuddle and told her that he's in heaven now and that she can always remember the nice times she had with him. She cried and said "but mummy, I can't remember the nice times because I was too little". It seemed strange for her to be so heartbroken so out of the blue, especially since she can't really remember him clearly. I gave her a cuddle and the tears eventually stopped. Later that night she told me she had been waking up at night crying because she misses him. I reassured her again and left it at that.

Then tonight I put her to bed. We read a funny story book which had her in massive fits of laughter. I went out the room and 10 minutes later I heard her getting up. She was crying again and she said it was because of her missing Jack.

I went into her room and cuddled her. I started asking her why she felt so sad about it and it has become apparent that it's more death that's upsetting her than Jack dying. She was asking how long people live, when I'm going to die etc and she was so heartbroken about the whole thing. She was saying through her tears that she wishes we could all live forever. I explained to her the fundamentals of how that wouldn't work in reality and told her that she'll never ever be alone. She'll always have family around her. I just feel so sad leaving her in bed now knowing that this will all be going round and round in her head. She's my eldest so I have no idea if any of this is normal or not and I just don't know if I'm dealing with it in the right way. I just feel she's too young to have to go through all this sadness.

She has known about death for a long time and we have always had open conversations about things but equally haven't made a fuss of it.

Please help. I feel so lost with all of this

Aw bless her, DD is like that and has been periodically since she was 4ish.
I make sure to give her lots of hugs, because that's what I want when I feel like that.
I initially did actually tell her what different religions think about death (I'm an atheist) and she decided to believe in reincarnation for a while but has since changed her mind. I also tell her my best defence which is to think of your life as a whole thing. It has a beginning and an end but they're like two sides of a square and will always be there as a shape back in time, and your job is to make it as nice a shape as possible.

I think some posters are being very disrespectful to Babdoc.

I didn't have a very Christian upbringing but my mum talked about my grandparents going to heaven when they died, and I found that very reassuring - it was the fact that they were somewhere else, somewhere nice, God was looking after them and one day I'd see them again.

It doesn't take grief away, as of course you want them to remain in your life now. But it makes it easier to bear and I don't think you're inflicting some indoctrinating dogma on a child by saying this to them whether you believe it or not, they can make that judgement for themselves when older.

But death is just difficult, op, I think you're doing the right things. Seeing death through children's eyes makes it harder, I dread the idea of my parents or husband dying all the more now as I know how much it would hurt my children as well as my own grief.

Oh and telling me about Christianity only made it worse. Not worth the upset when I realised it was unfeasible. And raised more questions about death than it answered. What happens if I don't go to heaven? What about my non Christian friends? What about our pets? Would a baby who died forever be a baby - that would be horrible for them, but the adult they grew up into would be a stranger to me. Would my parents want to be forever little children with their own parents? Living forever as a happy ethereal essence didn't sound at all a comfort, I wanted to be me and my loved ones to be themselves.

I think some posters are being very disrespectful to Babdoc.

And do you think Babdoc was disrespectful to atheists?

Try the book Badger's Parting Gifts! Might help explain it a bit more

my mum talked about my grandparents going to heaven when they died, and I found that very reassuring

But not everyone goes to heaven, do they? Some (lots of) people go to hell, and that's the very antithesis of reassuring.

I think it’s a shame that atheists inflict their depressing nihilistic beliefs on children.
You can’t disprove the existence of God or heaven, so why not keep the benefit of the doubt and let your DC have the comfort of believing Jesus’ promise of eternal life?

I think god sending innocent people to burn in hell for all eternity is a bit more depressing than any atheist view on death. It’s hardly going to comfort a child is it?! The thought used to terrify me when I was growing up.
And believing in something just because you can’t disprove its existence is lunacy.

In my personal experience OP, it's normal.

When my eldest was 5 one of her friends died suddenly (a dd of one of my best friends). My dd took it very well. We attended the funeral at my friends request. Dd asks lots of questions and I answered them as best I could.

"Where has She gone?"
"Is she in the coffin?"

We're an atheist family but I explained that no-ones knows for sure where people go. Some people believe in heaven which sounds beautiful. Others believe that your 'magic' goes somewhere else. Others believe there's nothing. My dd settled on an idea that hers friends 'magic' had settled into a butterfly.
She seemed to take it very well.

Horrendously, 3 months later my friends youngest dd also died in an unconnected incident. That's when dd started to become upset.

We had about 4 months of nightmares, crying uncontrollably about people not being here. Terrified of either me or dh or ds dying. It was awful.

I partly believe it's developmental but was prompted by our own losses. We got through it by doing what your doing OP. Lots of reassurance, lots of talking, lots of drawing her scary thoughts and then then ripping them up (that seemed to help a lot), we made a 'scary' dream catcher. It all helped but what really helped was time. She just seemed to grow out of it.

She's 14 now. She still a sensitive soul but loves Science and the nitty gritty of human biology. She's not scared of death and laughs a lot.

Good luck op

A few years ago I had to go into school to tell the children that a sibling of one of their classmates had died very suddenly. The headteacher felt that as the vicar this would be better coming from me. The children know me as I'm in every week. It meant some very fast rereading of attachment theory and child development. Different age children react in different ways and they did. That first realisation of mortality is hard. If it is a pet that has died it is a trial run for when it is a relative. Perhaps that is a good reason have have pets as they are much loved and die as we all do.

It sounds like the OP is doing the right thing by talking to her little one about death. As others have said let her sit with the feelings. They are painful because life is precious and we love and when death comes we grieve. It is what happens when we love.

As someone who has done a lot of funerals my concern is for those children who have not been allowed to be sad when a pet dies or someone they know in the extended family dies. As a culture we are frightened of death so when, as teenagers or young adults, they are faced with a funeral with their beloved granddad in the box they utterly lose it.

It doesn't matter if you believe in going back to stardust, angels strumming harps in heaven or the new creation where all things are made new and there will be no more death and no more crying or something else but as a apparent do some thinking about the awkward questions your children are going to,ask and be honest. The Mog book is great but was too late for mine as they were too old by then. There used to be a lovely story book about waterbugs and dragon flies which helped us.

I am a Christian. I do believe in the new creation where God will be with his people but I still cry when the cat dies and I do sometimes do a funeral, walk away and cry in the car. Grief hurts and it should.

I totally agree with your post Mostly (as as I said above, I'm an Atheist).

I took my child at a very young age to her friend funeral because my friend (the bereaved mother) has expressly asked for children to be there as she wanted 'life' around her. So many people told me I was doing totally the wrong thing, but I'm glad I did.

As teens they recently lost their grandad (my dad) and witnessed me totally heartbroken about it. They were fantastic, loving and supportive.

As a society we need to talk about death more and not be afraid of showing that we're grieving. It's healthy.

Lovely post mostly, thank you

A book that I've thought quite lovely is Beginnings and Endings with lifetimes in between by Bryan Mellonie.

Lovely illustration and quite simple but poignant. Everything has a beginning and an ending in between is living, the same for plants, birds etc and people.

There is a pair of books, called Only One of Me - Dad and Only One of Me - Mum. They're written by a mum who has a terminal illness and won't live to see her children grow up. They're written in simple language, to help a child understand. It must be so hard trying to explain to a young child that you won't be there for them as they grow up.

OP I don't have any answers and have come on here to look at the suggestions too. My 8 yo is taking the deaths (last year and this year) of my great grandparents very hard. Although it hasn't stopped my DD missing them we do sometimes read 'The Truth Pixie' by Matt Haig which explains in a sensitive way that we have difficult times (including people who die) but that we wont feel sad for ever.

SmileEachDay I will have a look for that book for her, it sounds lovely.

Babdoc we are Christians but the idea that Great Nanna and Great Grandad are in Heaven doesn't help her missing them.

Went through this with DS at the same age after a friend of his dad died. He used to have the biggest crying fits telling me he was so scared I'd died too. I couldn't even tell him that would never happened as that would have been a lie and I vowed to never lied to my kids. I explained that it was very unlikely and explained in age related words that the average lifespan for women was over 80yo.

Thsnkfully it didn't last long, 1 or 2 months. Terrible time to see them so utterly devastated and scared.

The Buddhist story of Kisa Gotami.
The ‘scientific’ explanation that everything that exists is matter, the amount of matter never changes, it just forms, disperses, re-forms, so we are all always here in some form or another.
We sleep, it’s fine. A longer sleep is also fine.
Some people believe their personalities live on in Heaven with God.
Some people have ‘near-death experiences’ when they see what will happen when they die. They usually talk about seeing bright light, feeling warm, safe and happy. They also report seeing people who lived them who have already died.
Some people believe in reincarnation. For this Google - Purn Ima and ‘Children’s Past Lives’.

Some people believe in rebirth - the essence of our personality touches a new personality, like one flame being lit from another.
Some people believe this life is an illusion. When we ‘die’ we awaken into our ‘real’ lives.
My favourite - there is only “This moment, now.” We cannot experience past or present, only now. Time/ existence is concurrent, happening now, in this moment. I am newborn, I am dying, I am the age I experience, all now, in the moment. The brain is a filter which makes time appear linear, preventing overload. All possibilities are in existence now (multiverse).
My grandfather - now long gone - liked to think that when we die, it’s just like turning off a light at the switch.
And ... there’s a fabulous video on YouTube by Peter Fenwick, who has studied NDEs. He has a beautiful voice.
All the above need filtering through a loving adult before presenting to a five year old.

Initial typo said ‘living adult’. Ha! Barry, don’t recommend they ask the dead to explain to children!

There are a lot of good answers here.

Another thing to remember is that kids go through phases of being upset/having realisations about all sorts of things. The death thing is just another one, but it seems worse to us (as it is something we are also terrified of).

I talked about the Circle of Life to mine when they were little, and then about how some people believed that you could be reincarnated, some that you went to heaven and some that you were just at rest. I said they could choose what they wanted to believe and they could also change their mind as they got older. I also pointed out that if no one died, the earth would get very crowded and there might not be enough food for everyone, so the circle of life meant that there was space for them to be born and for all the new babies that were coming. It seemed to give them just enough to think about, but not too much iyswim.

A huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. There are so many great suggestions on here which I will try. Particularly interested to look at some of the books recommended.

It's such a difficult thing to come to terms with at any age, let alone for a 5 year old. I just hope we can find a way through it together. I will take on board the advice that listening and giving her cuddle is sometimes more important than reassuring her. Just being there for her while she comes to terms with this and not trying to push her through it. Letting her work her way through these emotions in her own time.

Thank you all so much for the advice and support. It means so much.