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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So annoyed that I allowed myself to be assaulted at work

85 replies

MamaBiker · 14/06/2019 19:28

I'm in front line health care and today I was grabbed by the hair and punched by a patient. I'm so angry at myself for being feeble and weak and allowing it to happen, can't stop thinking about the self defence training I've received and what I should have done.

I should be angry at the patient but I'm more angry at myself. I've never been the victim of violence and always assumed I would be able to react assertively and control the situation but I was completely overwhelmed with fear

I know I am BU to be annoyed at myself but I just can't help it. I can't imagine experiencing violence as part of daily life it must be terrifying.

OP posts:
Smelborp · 14/06/2019 19:29

You were not to blame. You did not cause it and your reactions were entirely normal. Go easy on yourself.

Amibeingdaft81 · 14/06/2019 19:30

Look after yourself and be gentle on yourself

I suspect it will kick in overnight and tomorrow you may feel quite anxious and upset

Danceswithlightning · 14/06/2019 19:32

Dont be mad at yourself. I work in a job where I get regularly attacked. We have been trained for such occurrences but it's so simple in theory but not in real life. Sadly I seem to have gotten used to it which I dont think is a good thing.

Do you have anyone to talk about it or is there any procedures for helping to plan ways to stop it happening again?

SinkGirl · 14/06/2019 19:34

You aren’t alone OP - so many people think they’d be able to react and defend themselves when attacked. It’s only when it happens to you that you realise you’re not in control of how you react. It’s a very frightening experience.

Does your workplace offer support for these situations? Can you take some time off? Are you injured?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 14/06/2019 19:35

m.youtube.com/watch?v=4-tcKYx24aA it's totally normal to freeze in a situation like this.

Try and go easy on yourself

HarleyS · 14/06/2019 19:38

What are the repercussions for the patient?
Do they get away with violence?

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 19:43

You didn’t “allow” it. You were assaulted.

Original poster
MamaBiker · 14/06/2019 19:43

He was arrested, don't know what's going on, I've got an appointment to give a statement at the police station tomorrow.

I've got an appointment with the occupational health counciling service on Monday.

OP posts:
Erythronium · 14/06/2019 19:43

You're trained to care for your patients, that is probably a much stronger instinct that defending yourself against them. So sorry this happened to you. Please don't blame yourself, but your reaction is quite a natural one. You were not to blame though. Hope you're OK, you must be feeling shocked.

44PumpLane · 14/06/2019 19:44

You are victim blaming, you just happen to be the victim.

Tey and think rationally about what you would say to a friend recounting this tale to you.... I imagine you would in no way think they were at fault.

People freeze, I can't imagine how terrified you must have been. Do you have support you can access? Don't underestimate the impact this may have on you. Please don't let fear or anxiety reach you before you talk to someone about it.

Flowers for you.

Erythronium · 14/06/2019 19:46

Your body takes over in situations of extreme danger. If you'd defended yourself you might have got attacked much more badly, so your body/instincts wouldn't let you.

44PumpLane · 14/06/2019 19:46

Sorry, my first sentence sounds harsh, I meant it to be of comfort not harsh.

My meaning was that you wouldn't victim blame in this situation but you just feel that way as the harm was done to you.

I know what I mean, I don't feel I'm explaining myself well! Smile

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 19:47

Really, this isn’t your fault. Self-defence training offers a way of trying to approach the violence of others, but it isn’t something you can be expected to do - you’re not in the SAS.

Skittlesss · 14/06/2019 19:47

hugs

This isn’t your fault. You aren’t to blame and you couldn’t prevent it either. We have no control over the actions of others.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

Spudina · 14/06/2019 19:48

Harleys in my experience yes. Rarely do patients where I work assault patients but when they do, we are expected not to report them to the police because they have cancer. It's frustrating tbh. I wouldn't put up with it on the street, but at work it would be frowned apon to take it further than the Consultant being informed, maybe security coming to watch the patient.

Reallybadidea · 14/06/2019 19:48

You did nothing wrong
It isn't your fault
You didn't deserve it.
Lots of Flowers

Original poster
MamaBiker · 14/06/2019 19:48

I've got a few bruises and grazeson my face.

My unit manager is being really good, I'm signed off next week. I'm just so fucking angry, how dare he think it's OK to hit me when I've done nothing to provoke it.

It came out of nowhere, didn't even see him moving towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaBiker · 14/06/2019 19:50

Having a good cry now....

OP posts:
ComeAndDance · 14/06/2019 19:51

Good! Your anger is directed to the right person.

You are NOT to blame. You did NOT allow yourself to be assaulted.
You are the VICTIM there.

Please make the best if the support can give you. Take time to recover from the ordeal and get more support if you need to.

solargain · 14/06/2019 19:51

Oh op. I understand the anger. I got mugged and had my cheek bone and several ribs broken and for the longest time the only emotion I felt was anger at myself for being a target and being weak.

Go easy on yourself. Thanks

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 19:52

I hope you will be okay.

sockatoe · 14/06/2019 19:52

I hope you're ok physically, which it sounds like you are. Give yourself some time to dwell on the shoulda/woulda/coulda aspect and think it through. With the benefit of hindsight, is there anything you could have done better? If it's a case of experience providing better positioning, better verbals/deflection, let it go. If it's a case of fight/flight/freeze, the only way to get through that is train, train, train so your body takes over, but even that's not guaranteed.
I do hope you get past this. You should not be assaulted whilst helping people. I hope the police get a decent factual statement and a blinding victim personal statement from you.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 14/06/2019 19:52

I’m have a black belt in a certain martial art, but when I was assaulted in a night club I just froze and ran away as soon as I could. Afterwards so many people said ‘oh my god if that happened to me I would have punched him!’ and they were only trying to be sympathetic, but in all likelihood they would have done exactly the same as me in reality.

Freezing is sometimes your body’s natural reaction and it can even help to protect you from further harm so PLEASE don’t feel bad. You didn’t ‘let’ anything happen and none of it is your fault Flowers

Echobelly · 14/06/2019 19:55

Don't blame yourself - I've heard that very few people, even those with appropriate defence training, actually manage to use it when attacked without warning.

Sorry this happened to you and help you can move past it soon.

SummerHouse · 14/06/2019 19:57

A different part of the brain takes over. If it decides that your chances of survival are greatest if you freeze, then you will freeze. There's nothing your rational mind can do to override this without some long term and intense conflict training. You are safe. Your brain kept you safe. The presentation I saw used examples of male victims of rape. Big burley men who blamed themselves for not fighting back. They felt they were physically able to fight their attacker off and couldn't understand why they didn't. It was so terribly sad. It was not their fault and it's not yours.