To ask for advice re DD with ASD and new partner?

[SuePerbly]

I have been separated from my ex since September of last year (very amicable split). In January I got together with an old friend that DD had met before a few times and really liked.

DP moved up to Yorkshire to be near us in March, into his own rental around the corner. He comes round once a week when DD is here and otherwise, we see each other when DD is at her dad's (she goes to him on a weekend).

My DD is currently being assessed for Aspergers/ASD. Though school, Ex and I, and the Drs we have seen all think that she has it. As a result, DD is incredibly literal.

Today, I am unwell. DP went and collected DD from school for me as a favour and brought her home. On the way, he told her he had a present for her that he would give her when they got home.

So they arrive home, DP goes to make me a cup of tea and DD asks "where is my present?". As I was upstairs, I heard DP saying "Actually, that is pretty rude to ask for a present". I came down and backed him up and said it was, and that you should always wait for presents to be offered. DD became furious because in her eyes, she had just taken him literally. That she would get a present as soon as she got home. She also has a hard time knowing what is rude when she is (in her mind) asking a perfectly logical question. I have explained this to DP, and he has spent ages researching ASD, so he knows, but yet said something anyway. I am not sure if this is unfair or not?

DP has a tendency to joke a lot. He was telling DD that a certain knife, he had blunted for her so she can use it safely. He then pretended to cut himself on it. DD burst into tears and ran off, and is now scared of the knife.

I explained to DP that DD cannot get his jokes. She is literal and he apologised to her. She said she would never forgive him (she is also a drama queen as she is 8 going on 27!). He has now left.

My question is, what do I do? I am exhausted at trying to get these two to understand each other. I love my DP very much, and I know that DD does like him deep down, but she is constantly upset with him due to how he is.

In hindsight, I should have waited much longer before introducing him as a DP rather than friend. I know that now. But how do I move forwards positively? Do I stop contact between them (but then they will never learn each others ways). Do we just persevere as it is?

DD has been open in saying that she wants me an DP to get married at some point. But that also she wants me and her dad back together. To me, this means she needs consistency as she is clearly confused. Please help me know what to do?

Please Don't pile on. I am trying my hardest and feel torn in two ways. But aside from the ASD, my DD can act like a brat sometimes and want her own way a lot. My ex gives into her and I don't (one of the reasons for the split).

I just want everyone to be happy and get on.

Sounds hopeful. Not the point of the thread, but a blunt knife is FAR more dangerous than a sharp one - so if he is going to teach her how to cook he needs to get another knife, and not blunt it this time.

I'll ask my line manager tomorrow!

That all sounds really positive OP, I'm glad that everyone is in agreement. Can't ask for more than that!

He thought she was rude about the present, couldn’t not give it to her, so made her scared of it so she doesn’t want it.

No. That definitely is NOT the case. I have compressed events down for brevity and the context hasn't translated well.

But no, he is certainly not manipulative and wouldn't ever try to manipulate my DD. I have known this man a very long time as a friend. That is just not who he is. If I had the slightest doubt about that, he would be gone. Instantly.

I agree with Louloubelle, some of the comments on here are really harsh. It takes time to understand this stuff if you’re new to it and even longer then to incorporate it into your everyday language and behaviour. Yes your DP doesn’t really get it yet, but he sounds like he really wants to and wants to build a relationship with your DD, which is a wonderful start.

I would be beyond angry if DH demonstrated cutting himself with a knife in front of our DD when she was 8yo. Shockingly poor behaviour and completely inappropriate at that age, regardless of any diagnosis.

Yes, people get it wrong, but I would expect an adult to take on board their mistakes and learn from them. Is your DP learning?

I'm going to offer a different view. My DS had/has ASD, he's nearly 30 now and he doesn't like the "label" so never sure how to put it!

Anyway, he was the same with jokes but rather than try and change the behaviour of everyone around him (a difficult task as you are discovering) I didn't not make jokes. I behaved in a normal way and in time, he learnt. I personally think that people do ASD children no favours by tiptoeing around them. Some may disagree with me, that's fine. But the goal is to equip your child to live and function in the world without you.

My DS now has a fantastic sense of humour and a very dry wit. He really makes me laugh. These things can be "learnt" but they won't be if they are "forbidden". Yes we had a few tears and tantrums when he was young but he's now an independant, confident man with a great job and an active social life. So I feel it was worth it, as does he. He can see the change in himself over the years and is glad of it.

I wasn’t meaning to be rude! But if you take what he did without context it sounds pretty disturbing
Anyway! Glad it’s all cleared up now and everyone is on the same page.
How very unmumsnetty

Louloubelle78 - that is such a balanced post. Thank you

whiskybysidedoor - his DDs are adults with their own families. He was moving any way. When we got together, he just revised his original destination by 50 miles.

I don't think he sounds very nice to her OP - I would be watching this situation very carefully. Everything that he could possibly read about ASD says that kids with ASD need calm predictable routines - yet he is doing the opposite by being unpredictable (breaking promises) and scary - yet you are backing him up against your DD.

I think she will be pretty confused. She is told she will get a present - so gets excited. Then no present is forthcoming. Then she gets told off by both your P and by you for asking about it - which is pretty normal behaviour for a child that has been promised a gift.

He sounds a bit like one of those blokes who enjoys making small kids cry by giving stuff and snatching it back or scaring them.

• he broke the promise - but she got told off (by you as well)
• he scares her and you make excuses for him

Your dp is a dick.

NT kids would struggle with the present thing. If he wasn't going to offer it straight away, he should have waited until he was ready. It's not normal to wait to be offered if the deal was that it was waiting for her at home.
The knife thing isn't funny. A sensitive NT child would not be happy about it too. Why did he blunt the knife? A sharp knife requires less force so is much easier than a blunt knife. If she's not ready for a sharp knife then he should have bought non-sharp cooking tools like spatulas.

Your partner sounds like a nice normal bloke learning a new situation and you sound like a well balanced switched on mum! Can’t believe the leap people can make from someone handling a situation maybe not in the best way to your DP all of a sudden being some kind of evil child manipulator! Ridiculous. All the best 😊

PurpleCrazyHorse Yes, he really is trying to learn. I see him contemplating whether to say a certain think and rapidly backing out of a comment if it occurs to him that it is likely to invoke a meltdown.

He has never been in this situation before but is totally committed to learning how to be with her. He has spent time reassuring her about that.

I have never held back from giving it both barrels when he has got it wrong. So if he was stupid enough to try and manipulate, he picked the wrong lady! He knows his arse would be out.

My DP seems to struggle because on the one hand, neither of his kids were advanced in some ways as my DD is. But they were advanced in other ways. But he is trying and is committed to us both.

I don’t think any 8 year old - Sen, Aspergers or NT would find watching an adult pretend they have cut themselves funny. It would be frightening to anyone. I’m finding it a bit of a nasty thing to do tbh, confusing and scary.

1.. On the way, he told her he had a present for her that he would give her when they got home.

2.. DD asks "where is my present?"

3.. I heard DP saying "Actually, that is pretty rude to ask for a present"

4.. . I came down and backed him up and said it was, and that you should always wait for presents to be offered.

5.. DD became furious because in her eyes, she had just taken him literally. That she would get a present as soon as she got home

Lets sequence the events - your DD did absolutely nothing wrong and yet you backed your new bloke over her.

He will keep coming round once a week so they can "learn" each other, but parenting only to be done by me. He is her mate and that is it.

He is NOT her "mate". Red flags are flying on this one. Do not ever leave her alone with him. He's positively septic.

these are the knives we use at work

I text her instead, the link is above.

@InTheHeatofLisbon Thanks so much. That is really kind. I will get her some.

He is NOT her "mate". Red flags are flying on this one. Do not ever leave her alone with him. He's positively septic

Well he sure as hell isn't her dad! Where on Earth do you get all the red flag/septic stuff from? Do you mean toxic @MyOpinionIsValid?

And the demanding tone of voice DD used with DP WAS rude. She didnt mean it to be, but it absolutely was. She sounded like Verrucca Salt!

I hope she enjoys using them

I think him being her mate isn't a bad thing. DP started off certainly not being a parent to DS1, he was his pal and it's worked. They're very close now, and DS1 spontaneously says he loves him and that he's an extra dad.

And the demanding tone of voice DD used with DP WAS rude. She didnt mean it to be, but it absolutely was. She sounded like Verrucca Salt!

But that isn't what you said in your OP and that isn't what he told her off about. Your DP said it was rude to ask for a present but it isn't in itself if he had told her he was going to give her one on the way home.

Clearly the knife was a very thoughtful present, in view of what you've said, so it sounds as if his heart is in the right place. But the joke was in very poor taste, and would have been scary for any child, the ASD is irrelevant to this. (It's also so not funny.)

I would be wary around this man tbh. I wouldn't say that he isn't right for you (he sounds as if he's genuinely remorseful after all), but I think you should backtrack a bit, it's been too much too soon.

I don't know why you again felt the need to telling her asking for presents is rude during your chat. You know she asked because he said he had a present for her, you both told her off and then you've had another go about it

My kids used those knives when smaller. They are great... You can cut things like carrots but not yourself.
Avoid lakeland though and google 'dog knife' for much cheaper.

I also think you dp sounds as though he is a good guy who has got it wrong. If your normal parenting style is with some teasing and kidding you're going to find it an adjustment with a child with autism.

@Asta19 My family had a similar approach to you. As a result, I could never tell when they were being serious or not and it was a constant source of anxiety. Just because it worked for your son doesn't mean everyone else with an ASD family member is doing them a disservice by 'tiptoeing around them'.