To ask for advice re DD with ASD and new partner?

[SuePerbly]

I have been separated from my ex since September of last year (very amicable split). In January I got together with an old friend that DD had met before a few times and really liked.

DP moved up to Yorkshire to be near us in March, into his own rental around the corner. He comes round once a week when DD is here and otherwise, we see each other when DD is at her dad's (she goes to him on a weekend).

My DD is currently being assessed for Aspergers/ASD. Though school, Ex and I, and the Drs we have seen all think that she has it. As a result, DD is incredibly literal.

Today, I am unwell. DP went and collected DD from school for me as a favour and brought her home. On the way, he told her he had a present for her that he would give her when they got home.

So they arrive home, DP goes to make me a cup of tea and DD asks "where is my present?". As I was upstairs, I heard DP saying "Actually, that is pretty rude to ask for a present". I came down and backed him up and said it was, and that you should always wait for presents to be offered. DD became furious because in her eyes, she had just taken him literally. That she would get a present as soon as she got home. She also has a hard time knowing what is rude when she is (in her mind) asking a perfectly logical question. I have explained this to DP, and he has spent ages researching ASD, so he knows, but yet said something anyway. I am not sure if this is unfair or not?

DP has a tendency to joke a lot. He was telling DD that a certain knife, he had blunted for her so she can use it safely. He then pretended to cut himself on it. DD burst into tears and ran off, and is now scared of the knife.

I explained to DP that DD cannot get his jokes. She is literal and he apologised to her. She said she would never forgive him (she is also a drama queen as she is 8 going on 27!). He has now left.

My question is, what do I do? I am exhausted at trying to get these two to understand each other. I love my DP very much, and I know that DD does like him deep down, but she is constantly upset with him due to how he is.

In hindsight, I should have waited much longer before introducing him as a DP rather than friend. I know that now. But how do I move forwards positively? Do I stop contact between them (but then they will never learn each others ways). Do we just persevere as it is?

DD has been open in saying that she wants me an DP to get married at some point. But that also she wants me and her dad back together. To me, this means she needs consistency as she is clearly confused. Please help me know what to do?

Please Don't pile on. I am trying my hardest and feel torn in two ways. But aside from the ASD, my DD can act like a brat sometimes and want her own way a lot. My ex gives into her and I don't (one of the reasons for the split).

I just want everyone to be happy and get on.

On the way, he told her he had a present for her that he would give her when they got home

He TOLD her there was a present for her, that he would give to her when they got home.. How is it rude of her to ask, when he didn't do what he said he was going to do? The present HAD been offered.

Your DP set the situation up to be exactly what it became - he set her up to fail. That is really nasty.

He was telling DD that a certain knife, he had blunted for her so she can use it safely. He then pretended to cut himself on it

The same thing. He set that situation up. Nasty.

Those are two instances, all from today? Does he do this sort of thing often? It looks like he is using her ASD against her.

You asked how you move forward positively. Your DP needs to stop manipulating a little girl with ASD into doing things that he can then either tell her off for, or laugh at her for doing.

You can't make him stop doing that. But you can protect your DD from him doing it to her repeatedly. By getting rid of him if he continues to do this.

Well I’m 55 and if someone told me there was a present for me at home, I’d be curious too. And I wouldn’t appreciate being told I was rude either.

What an odd thing to do.

What good is a blunt knife??

What good is a blunt knife??

Exactly. I don’t get that at all.

He promised her a present, then she got in trouble for asking for it, then the present turned out to be a blunt knife (??) and THEN he frightened her by pretending to cut himself on it.

It all sounds pretty cruel from where I’m standing.

Was she rude? I get that randomly asking for a present of the blue is rude but I don't see how asking where a present is when you have been told you are going to get one once home is.

And that knife thing was mean, I'm not even autistic and that would have freaked the hell out of me as an 8 year old.

I'd wait until she has been diagnosed and seek advice about these interactions but it may be that he isn't compatible with your DD.

I am in this position. I think when your child is high functioning, the signs can seem really subtle or present as other undesirable character traits to others that don't recognise or understand it. My partner is the same he gets really frustrated with my son over certain things. Can you contact your local NAS group and maybe the two of you go along to a parents meeting. Him hearing the experiences of thoses might help him put it in context.

I totally disagree with other posters calling him a dick and stating he should just understand. It is a really difficult thing to understand and live alongside, especially when it is not your child. It sounds like he is doing his best but just needs a bit more help to understand how your daughter ticks. It is going to be a learning process for both of you as you go through this diagnosis together. Once you have the diagnosis yoou will get lots of support and guidance. Unfortunately, the point up to diagnosis can be difficult for all involved in your daughters care.

As a parent of a child with ASD, ODD and ADHD I am still learning every day and still get annoyed, angry etc even though I know my son can't help doing certain things. We are all human. I certainly try not to pick my partner up every time I feel he didn't approach something correctly. He is doing his best too.

You both sound lovely, and I wish you the best of luck in getting the diagnosis and working through this together.

I’m also confused about the present thing, if told there was a present for me as soon as I got home I’d also ask about it when we got home (if it wasnt instantly forthcoming). She was just an excited kid, I’m don’t think that was rude or even anything to do with ASD. He should have responded ‘just let me finish the tea’ rather than pull her up on completely typical child behaviour, her response to his unnecessary telling off will of course be different from an NT child because she can’t reason her impatience as rude (and it hardly was).

The kitchen knife incident was really mean. He doesn’t need to research all aspects of ASD, you’ve already told him about your daughter - who is an individual, not a page from the internet - and he hasn’t listened. I don’t think I’d want him around my child much until he actually took on board how not being literal/joking around affects her.

If your partner is unwilling or unable to understand how your daughter needs to be related to, this relationship will never work. It seems as though he isn't listening to you about her needs.

She wasn’t rude at all yet you backed DP up instead of telling him that saying there was a present but not giving her a present was mean.

Your DP set the situation up to be exactly what it became - he set her up to fail. That is really nasty

Totally.

He said he had a present for her ,for the minute he got home.
She should of had it ,the minute he got home.
Why fuck about pretending to cut himself..he’s looking for attention from her?
Weird .why back him up ?
I’d of explained to him ,he said she could have the present when she got in,he should of stuck to his word.
Had he of been reading about asd he would of known this

I sensing a nasty undercurrent from him

@SuePerbly Other posters have expanded on my point.

@Louloubelle78 He still isn't being as kind as he could be

I would try and acess and simple aspergers book or guide and have him read it
He probably doesn’t understand

Patience and time

I’d keeping an eye on him op

Thinking about it the ASD is neither here nor there. His behaviour was really odd and nasty anyway.

SnuggyBuggy I disagree, I think the ASD is crucially important here.

because it is rude to ask for presents in our society!

Not if a present has been offered.

Tbh, I would find both the present and the knife thing mean, with any of my children, the neurotypical ones and non neurotypical one.

Obviously the ASD is important and this child needs a diagnosis and the OP advice on how best to parent her but what I meant was even without ASD this man's behavior is bizarre and twatty.

So he upset her with the present thing. And then decided to make her feel EVEN worse.
I’m sorry. That’s really quite horrible. Horrible to do to any child. Really awfully horrible to do to someone like your daughter.
It’s the second act that I find especially bad. The whole atmosphere must have changed. It’s not just “oh we are all joking around”
He’s getting her back for her “perceived” rudeness. He 100% knew what the outcome would be.
He thought she was rude about the present, couldn’t not give it to her, so made her scared of it so she doesn’t want it.

That’s some kind of fucked up.

OP you sound lovely but you’ve moved way too fast with this man. Personally I’d be a little concerned how fast he moved to live near you, what about his own daughters? Has he moved far from them for a relationship of less than 6 months?

Anyway I don’t have additional needs, nor do my children but I can guarantee if promised a special present on the way home, we’d naturally ask where it was when we got back. It’s just being a normal person! I think your reasoning is very odd on this. He set her up to fail.

The knife thing is just weird.

I don’t think the issue is your daughters additional needs it’s that you are trying to force a relationship too quickly and it’s biting you in the ass. Slow down if anything, but he sounds a bit of a knob if I’m honest.

I think he was right to bring her up on the asking, she may not be meaning to be rude but she still needs to learn others consider It rude even if she doesnt understand why. It will help her in social situations as she grows.

I also think think you can do that with out telling them off

The knife thing, was stupied and I'll thought out.

She’s EIGHT.
How many 8 yr olds do you know get told they have a present waiting for them at home age then returning home do not mention it again until it’s given to them! I mean

I agree that ASD is a red herring here. It was a series of cruel behaviours - promising a present, telling her off for asking for it, pretending to cut himself...

Let’s not kid ourselves that a neurotypical child wouldn’t also have asked for the present and wouldn’t also have been frightened by the knife prank.

Best case scenario? He doesn’t know how to interact with a child and thinks teasing and jokes is a way to get her to like him. Worst case scenario is he was knowingly being cruel and very deliberately set out to upset and disappoint her.

Give him direction but also some slack it's all new to him.
My partner and I have a son with severe autism and guess what we get it wrong too sometimes!
These kids sadly don't come with instructions and it's all trial and error 🤔.
He will soon learn what makes life easier and what causes fireworks lol .

InTheHeatofLisbon - Thank you re the details of the knife company. That would be really helpful.

To all those who have asked - yes, she wanted a knife as a present. He made sure it was in her favourite colour too so he was trying to get it right for her.

We have spoken and agreed that:

1. it is irrelevant how he, I or his children were parented. We need To be different with my DD as she is her own person.

2. That he has to remember that just because she is really advanced academically, this doesnt mean she is older than she is. It doesn't mean she can get dry humour or non literal jokes. Or wind ups. He has apologised hugely and says he is so sorry, that he was a plonker and should have thought more.

3. If my DD says or does anything he thinks may be isn't right, that he will take it up with me and let me either explain to him OR take it up with her as appropriate. As me having given him the OK to tackle bad behaviour isn't working - he doesn't know her well enough to differentiate between "bad" behaviour and how ASD presents.

4. he will keep coming round once a week so they can "learn" each other, but parenting only to be done by me. He is her mate and that is it.

5. He apologised for expecting too much of her due to her intelligence.

6. I have explained all this to DD. Have apologised myself for thr situation and not backing her up. She now knows that people see asking for presents as rudeness, but I also know she was being literal. So I apologised and he has apologised to her too.

That all sounds very positive! Good luck