Partner wants a child but I don't think i do?

[MiaIam]

I have a 7 year old daughter with my ex partner and we had a very messy break up that when she was just a few months old. I brought her up as a single parent for the first 2 years before meeting my new partner.

5 years on and I love my new partner. He is a great step dad to my daughter and our relationship is completely different to the one with my ex. He has always said openly that he wants kids of his own and now keeps mentioning that we should try for a child but I don't think I want one.

Financially I don't think we could afford a second child as we wouldn't qualify for any help towards childcare costs after I go back work after maternity but my wage would essentially pay for all the costs. I don't want to have to give up work as I have spent the last 6 years getting my degree and a job that I absolutely love. So being a stay at home mum is not something I want to do either.

We currently have a great life in which we can afford for my daughter to do ballet, swimming and horse riding, our bills are always paid on time and we can afford to go on holidays twice a year. I know if I were to have another child we would have to sacrifice some things but I feel like I would be giving up the life that we have become accustomed to.

Last year we had a miscarriage and it broke me as a person, I was devastated and part of me still grieves the child we lost. Yet at the same time part of me feels like maybe it happened for a reason maybe I am only meant to have one child.

Honestly if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I'd cry about it but I wouldn't know if they were happy tears, tears of fear of loosing another child or upset tears as I don't think I would want the baby.

I know this is more of a rant but I honestly didn't know who to talk to about it as the few family members I have are unsupportive and the only friends I have are work friends so not really close to them.

Am I being a total bitch if I don't have a child with him especially when he has brought up my daughter as his own and she calls him Daddy

You need to talk with your partner. It is normal to grieve over a loss.

Every time we bring up the conversation about more children. He usually just says, you will change your mind. I explained to him that I don't want anymore, the reasons why and that once I turn 30 next year I am considering seeing the doctors about getting my tubes tied.

I think you need to speak to your partner and be open about your feelings.
Was your last pregnancy planned? If so how did you feel about the financial situation then?
I think you need to figure out if you’re unsure due to the grief you feel over the loss of your previous pregnancy or if it’s really about finances, lifestyle and career plans.

I get you have a right to choose if you want to have another child or not .. however so has your husband. He obviously wants his own ...( He has always said openly he wants a kid of his own) this could be a deal breaker for him and you must prepare yourself if he decides to find someone who will fulfill his desire ..

It’s not fair on him not to be able to have is own kid ... and it’s not fair that he is trying to convince you to have 1 ...

Difficult choices will need to be made

You are absolutely not U not to want a child. If you don't want to you really, really shouldn't. OTOH your DP wouldn't be U to end the relationship as a result, in the hope of finding someone who shares the same hopes for the future as he does

You reserve your right to not want childbirth, and especially given he's been open about his desire to have a biological child from the start, he reserved the right to seek a relationship where he can do that. Neither stance is unreasonable

Keep telling him the truth, that's all you can do.

You need to make him realise that you're serious, so you can both decide whether you want to continue the relationship. You may end up single, but it's better than having a child you don't really want.

The last pregnancy was unplanned, I wasn't thrilled about it which made me feel guilty when I lost the child and like it was my own fault

You two need to sit and talk about your future - this is one of those deal breaker issues. My DP wasn't sure about kids, I was and told her it's wasn't something I could live without at least trying. Two kids and 15 years later I can genuinely say there's no regrets for either of us. If she'd refused I'm not sure we would still be together.

Choose wisely. Compromise often has to be made in any relationship. This is frought with 'what ifs'.

It is your right to choose to not have more children
It is also his right to choose to seek a partner that wants children
If that happens it will impact on your daughter. Is she is likely to lose the only father she has known?
Will you continue to have the same standard of living without his financial input? You may well find you will be sacrificing it anyway on one salary.

so many variables

Children not childbirth...

I might be unpopular but if you've been together for five years and he's always openly said he'd like his own child then I think you've been wrong to string him along and to now say that's not what you want.
I mean, fair enough that you don't want another child but you already have one and he doesn't and unless during that five years you've made it clear that that is not what you want then I think you've been unfair.
He'll probably see it as he's just wasted five years of his life on you - obviously dependant on how desperate he is to have a biological child of his own.

Do you think that maybe the miscarriage has scared you from trying again?

If you dont want another child that is fine, but will it be the end of your relationship? Many of the reasons you give - holidays, ballet and horse riding, may well disappear anyway if your partner decides to leave. You need to discuss it and if you are sure then you must tell him that you dont want anymore children and you will not hange your mind. What he then does is his choice.

Yanbu to not.want another child but yabu to deny him the chance to have his own biological child. No matter how good a dad he is to your dd she is not his child
Be honest with him and be prepared to let him go if he does not agree with you.

If you're only 29 then you've got plenty of time, but I agree that it would be cruel to keep stringing him along if you really don't intend to have another child. Ultimately only you can know how you feel about it - but maybe you need to give yourself a deadline for deciding.

It’s not fair in either of you really . You both want different things - have that conversation with him.
Would your daughter like a sibling?

I think you have been wrong to string your partner along if you’ve known you don’t want more kids and he has openly said he does. It’s very unfair on him. I also think you should explore more carefully the reasons why you don’t want one.

You haven’t mentioned anything about not wanting the sleepless nights, giving birth etc more just things like your daughter being able to do multiple expensive activities and go on several holidays. I was one of 5 kids and went on one family holiday. I had an incredibly happy childhood and my siblings are my best friends even though two are 9 years younger than me. children don’t need holidays and horse riding to make them happy and I’m sure you could still keep on one of her activities and a holiday every few years even with a second child. Re childcare most women I know spend their entire wage on childcare - it’s so once the child is in school their careers are intact so you don’t have to give up your job or career at all just accept that for the first few years your wage will go on childcare.

YANBU to not want another child. You do however need to accept that your partner should be free to leave you and find someone who does want to have children with him in the future.

Do not have another baby simply due to guilt or some misguided sense of "fairness" to your partner. You are not wrong or cruel for not wanting another child.

I might be unpopular but if you've been together for five years and he's always openly said he'd like his own child then I think you've been wrong to string him along and to now say that's not what you want.

Yes you might be unpopular, as you need to RTFT as the OP had a miscarriage last year and has not been stringing anyone along.

I think be honest about your feelings with him as others have said, OP.

You aren’t wrong to not want another child. He isn’t wrong for wanting to have a child instead of only being a step-parent. You both need to decide if you can really meet the other person’s needs and if not, you should end things. It would be different if you already shared children and one of you wanted another. In that scenario, I think you gave a responsibility to make it work for the sake of the existing children.

Would you want a child if DP could be a SAHD?

This sounds like a very difficult situation. Your emotions about having another child must be very complicated and quite mixed. I don't think your DP is really listening to you or aware of your feelings, maybe because you feel guilty you haven't told him everything, and that must be making it even harder for you to figure this out. Him saying that "you will change you mind" is just shutting you down.

It doesn't sound as if the two of you are really talking to each other properly. Could you have some couples counselling before you decide either way?

@floribunda18 I did rtft thanks! The OP wrote

Honestly if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I'd cry about it but I wouldn't know if they were happy tears, tears of fear of loosing another child or upset tears as I don't think I would want the baby.

As the last line says that she doesn't think she would want the baby, I'd say that's stringing someone along!

Maybe you should rtft?