Partner wants a child but I don't think i do?

[MiaIam]

I have a 7 year old daughter with my ex partner and we had a very messy break up that when she was just a few months old. I brought her up as a single parent for the first 2 years before meeting my new partner.

5 years on and I love my new partner. He is a great step dad to my daughter and our relationship is completely different to the one with my ex. He has always said openly that he wants kids of his own and now keeps mentioning that we should try for a child but I don't think I want one.

Financially I don't think we could afford a second child as we wouldn't qualify for any help towards childcare costs after I go back work after maternity but my wage would essentially pay for all the costs. I don't want to have to give up work as I have spent the last 6 years getting my degree and a job that I absolutely love. So being a stay at home mum is not something I want to do either.

We currently have a great life in which we can afford for my daughter to do ballet, swimming and horse riding, our bills are always paid on time and we can afford to go on holidays twice a year. I know if I were to have another child we would have to sacrifice some things but I feel like I would be giving up the life that we have become accustomed to.

Last year we had a miscarriage and it broke me as a person, I was devastated and part of me still grieves the child we lost. Yet at the same time part of me feels like maybe it happened for a reason maybe I am only meant to have one child.

Honestly if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I'd cry about it but I wouldn't know if they were happy tears, tears of fear of loosing another child or upset tears as I don't think I would want the baby.

I know this is more of a rant but I honestly didn't know who to talk to about it as the few family members I have are unsupportive and the only friends I have are work friends so not really close to them.

Am I being a total bitch if I don't have a child with him especially when he has brought up my daughter as his own and she calls him Daddy

How would you feel if you had a baby, then you separated?

Lots of women find out after the fact that their partners see women as incubators and free childcare. He's telling you ahead of time. No, I wouldn't have a baby with such a selfish man.

I would have the discussion and let him know your thoughts.
If you took minimal time off and he assumed all the responsibility for the baby, would you change your mind?
By all responsibilities, I mean night time feeds, sourcing child care, being the one to stay home when baby is sick.
Sorting school etc.
If he is not happy to do this, you have your answer.

Wow. So he’s that desperate for a child...but only if you sacrifice the career you worked so hard for and do the lions share of raising said child?

I do not think you should have a baby with this man.

Whilst I can't tell you what to do in this particular situation I will tell you one thing that is a life lesson: Do Not Have Kids To Appease Anyone. Whomever they are - your mother wanting grandkids, society who expects you to have kids, friends who seem to be popping them out like a gum-ball machine. No one. The sagest advice I've ever received in this regard was to never have a baby unless I truly desired one. Regardless of circumstance.

To be honest from what you said here I would not have a baby with him. He wants a baby but expects you to give up your job or work less hours to suit him and his wanted baby.If he wants a baby let him realise that he needs to do his share and why can't he give up work or go part time if it's so important to him?
Some men love the idea of a baby but the reality can hit them hard. You might not have an easy pregnancy or you might have a child with special needs. What happens in this case when your income is paying most of the bills?
What happens if you have a baby and he decides I have had enough. Your left with a child and his baby/child. You left then with the cost of child care, having less money and long term having less pension because you can't afford to put as much as you would like into your own pension.
I would be very honest with him and tell him you don't want another child.

Don't do it OP!!!!

If you have a baby and break up for whatever reason, then you'll be left skint with 2 kids. He can then trot off happily back to a free bachelor lifestyle whilst popping by now and again to be disney dad.

Just don't.

I honestly think women should think "would i be happy to have a baby as a lone parent?" before even contemplate getting pregnant. Because if the shit hits the fan then 99.9% of the time the woman is left holding the baby.

I would not have a baby with this man. What he is proposing is unfair on you and he needs to find someone who only wants to be a wife/mother.

I think you need to have another talk with him. Let him know how serious this matter is to you, and absolutely do not be fobbed off with excuses. Make it clear that it's a relationship critical conversation that needs to happen now. Revisit what he's said about essentially wanting you to be the one to have to make all the changes and do the work of raising the new child. Tell him how that makes you feel. Also remind him that as the higher earner this plan to remove your income and have a new baby would have a huge negative effect on household finances. This has no logical grounds. It is him being very silly and selfish. Talking to him will either give him a new perspective and make him realise how ridiculous he's being, in which case things should improve for you because he will either offer to be a SAHD, share the responsibility in some sort of compromise situation, or perhaps shelve the idea of a new baby altogether, or he will refuse to admit that he's being unreasonable. I suppose if it's the latter you'd probably start thinking about leaving him...

Either way, you will have your answer. Just give him a bit of thinking time for a few days after the conversation so that no one makes any rash decisions.

No don't have a baby with a man who wants you to cut hours and you to do the "women's work." ( yuk )

Also adding the fact you're not married it puts you in a very vulnerable position. His life won't change but yours will so much, how selfish.
No wonder you're having doubts. Don't risk your career or the progress you've made for a man, ever. Really selfish that only you have to adapt not him. Big red flag right there.

I was feeling quite sorry for your partner until your latest update! Just no.

I think given your partner has such an outdated attitude to childcare and is not willing to reduce his hours to take on some of the responsibilities you are entirely within your rights to say no and I think I would on no account take on all the financial and child rearing responsibilities while he carries on as normal. Having children requires compromise and yes sacrifices particularly on the parent who does most of the childcare both in terms of career and money. You are the higher earner so why do you have to give up your job? You already pay for your daughters activities etc which I guess is fair if she is not his but what about a new baby? Will he be paying out towards expenses for him/her? What about maternity leave and sleepless nights and the general difficulty of a new child after your daughter is more or less of an age when things are getting easier? Is that all going to be you?

I would say don't have a baby with this man. He wasn't there in the early years of your daughters life so he does not know how much hard work new babies are. He is not willing to sacrifice his career or pay towards childcare costs so is not fully on board with having a child himself. He likes the idea of being a dad but is not willing to make any compromises. He wants you to be the one who does the sacrificing.

You need to make it very clear to your DP so he can make the choice whether to stay or leave.

He has been very open about wanting more kids, you can't make him stay if you don't want anymore

i wouldn’t consider having a child with a man who held such sexist views on life.

Are you simply a baby making machine? Do your career prospects and enjoyment not matter?

I think the fact that you don’t says a lot about your relationship ask yourself it is that you don’t ever want to have another child or you don’t want to have one with him because you don’t trust he will be there and supportive

The bloke had a lot of support until the last drip update

OP,
You can't afford a second child. End of.

The financial pressure would be huge.

Sounds like your partner wants the "idea" of a child rather than the reality.

He hasn't contributed to the child in the house.

You have done 6 years as a single parent living with someone.

You know how back breakingly hard being a single parent is.

To also graduate, and provide great financial security for your child.

Absolutely none of these things are easy.

He's not even contributing 50% of costs and he wants to have a child and you will take the hit with your job and childcare. Ha!

You would be absolutely mad to have another child.

Tell him you now realise you are done and not prepared to take the massive financial risk to start again.

Been there, done that.

He will have to make his own decision.

if you are really adamant that you don't want another child, then tell him. for some people it is a deal-breaker. but if he really wants to have a child and he won't have it with you, you should give him the option to have a family with someone else.

a close friend left a long term partner recently due to the same issue (she wanted, he didn't). for some things there is a middle ground, but not when it comes to different opinions regarding children

Your DD is at a lovely age, at a lovely stage.

Back to nappies.
Sleeplessness.
Childhood illnesses.
Juggling childcare.
Juggling money.
Worry.
Misogynistic partner!!
Stress.
Toddler stage.
Eyes at the back of your head.
The tiredness.
The relentlessness of the responsibility.
The misogynistic partner.
Doing everything...on your own.
Juggling money.

Think very very hard about what YOU want.

You’d be a idiot to have a child you don’t want with a man who does want the child but refuses to stay at home to look after it. You’ve worked hard to get where you are professionally — don’t throw it away. And you don’t ‘owe’ him a baby because he’s a stepparent.

It is a dealbreaker so I’d fully expect him to leave you and find someone who does want children OP, it’s his right to do so.

When I met my DP I had three DC to my exH. One of the first things DP asked was whether I’d be up for having another child or two. At the time I was hesitant because obviously my life was very full with three children but I loved DP and a child felt like a natural extension, we now have one and DP wants another (not sure about that!).

There’s been plenty of threads with women complaining about their partner’s suddenly changing their minds about having children and everyone always implores them to leave and find someone else. I think your DP has the same right.

it’s his right to do so.

But no one is querying that. The OP is struggling with whether she 'owes' him a child because he has been a stepparent to her daughter, despite the fact that he emerges from the thread as a sexist pig, who wants the OP to compromise her own hard-fought career, which brings in more money than his, and that she loves, by reducing her hours to look after a child that he wants and she doesn't.

I agree with a PP -- OP, ask him whether he will commit to be a SAHP to the child he apparently wants so badly, because you will not be cutting down your hours.

You are not wrong or cruel for not wanting another child

Absolutely true, however, her partner would also not be wrong or cruel to leave the relationship to find someone who did want to have his child.

OP, judge him not by what he says but what he does.

5 years together and you are paying 100% for your child. More than 1 holiday and 60% of everything else.

This tells a lot.

By now if he was committed to your child he would be paying towards her. He'd want to. Because ye are a family.

He wants you to put yourself, and your daughter, whom depends on you solely financially, in a compromised position because he wants a child.

He should be majorly be stepping up financially, but he's not.

If he earned, substantially more than you.
You were married to him.
He could pay at least 75% of the childcare.
He was absolutely supportive of your career.
You had a home with both your names on the deeds.
It was clear that he would be a hands on Dad, wanting to do 50% of the work involved.
You could see clearly by his actions that he would be a great hands on father.

Then yes, yes, yes to considering it.

But certainly not to what you've written about.

Don't jeopardize what you have so wonderfully accomplished for your DD and yourself.

Your last update about his attitude is far more worrying for me than the issue of whether to have another child.