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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants a child but I don't think i do?

74 replies

MiaIam · 13/06/2019 14:45

I have a 7 year old daughter with my ex partner and we had a very messy break up that when she was just a few months old. I brought her up as a single parent for the first 2 years before meeting my new partner.

5 years on and I love my new partner. He is a great step dad to my daughter and our relationship is completely different to the one with my ex. He has always said openly that he wants kids of his own and now keeps mentioning that we should try for a child but I don't think I want one.

Financially I don't think we could afford a second child as we wouldn't qualify for any help towards childcare costs after I go back work after maternity but my wage would essentially pay for all the costs. I don't want to have to give up work as I have spent the last 6 years getting my degree and a job that I absolutely love. So being a stay at home mum is not something I want to do either.

We currently have a great life in which we can afford for my daughter to do ballet, swimming and horse riding, our bills are always paid on time and we can afford to go on holidays twice a year. I know if I were to have another child we would have to sacrifice some things but I feel like I would be giving up the life that we have become accustomed to.

Last year we had a miscarriage and it broke me as a person, I was devastated and part of me still grieves the child we lost. Yet at the same time part of me feels like maybe it happened for a reason maybe I am only meant to have one child.

Honestly if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I'd cry about it but I wouldn't know if they were happy tears, tears of fear of loosing another child or upset tears as I don't think I would want the baby.

I know this is more of a rant but I honestly didn't know who to talk to about it as the few family members I have are unsupportive and the only friends I have are work friends so not really close to them.

Am I being a total bitch if I don't have a child with him especially when he has brought up my daughter as his own and she calls him Daddy

OP posts:
floribunda18 · 13/06/2019 16:33

She hasn't been stringing him along FOR FIVE YEARS as you clearly said in your first post RainbowNotVeryBrite, that was the point, as she had a miscarriage last year. So your post was not only nasty and hurtful but also wholly incorrect.

CheerfulMuddler · 13/06/2019 16:42

You need to be honest with your partner. Telling him you don't want another child is completely fine. Not having the conversation isn't. He needs to decide whether he wants (or doesn't want) to be in this relationship based on a real understanding of what the deal is.

The situation isn't as simple as life as it is now v. life with a baby. Would you change your mind if you knew having only one child meant losing your partner? What about if he was happy to be a SAHD? Or if he agreed that you would go back to work? What about if you waited until one or both of you got a promotion and earned a bit more, or if you were able to move to a cheaper area - would that make a difference? Is it just losing your career and the financial difficulties, or is it that you just don't want another baby?

You need to talk about these things with your OH and make it clear to him that you may not ever 'just change your mind'.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/06/2019 16:44

Tricky. But being a step parent is hard. Being a childless not by choice step parent is harder and being a step parent who will now be told he’ll never have his own is a whole other deal so you owe it to him to be honest and not put off telling him the truth because you know how hurt he’ll be and what it might mean for your relationship.

Your DD isn’t his. I don’t think she should call him dad as he isn’t her dad and he only got to know her when she was 2. He wants the whole thing from the start and that’s okay. If it’s not what you want then you can’t help it but don’t ever suggest to him that he has your DD therefore doesn’t need his own.

I have friends where one wants children and the other doesn’t and it’s heartbreaking to see.

SuperSara · 13/06/2019 16:44

We currently have a great life in which we can afford for my daughter to do ballet, swimming and horse riding, our bills are always paid on time and we can afford to go on holidays twice a year. I know if I were to have another child we would have to sacrifice some things but I feel like I would be giving up the life that we have become accustomed to.

This doesn't sound very good, OP.

You don't want to sacrifice your DD's expensive activities to help fund the child your DP would like to have with you. Presumably your DP currently helps pay for these activities for your daughter?

I'm certainly not saying you should feel pressured into having another child if you don't want one, but some of the reasoning sounds rather mean towards your DP.

As others have said, you may have to accept him pursuing his life with someone else if he feels so strongly about being a father.

rainbowstardrops · 13/06/2019 16:57

@floribunda18

RainbowNotVeryBrite

How bloody rude!!!!! What a peach you are! I am as entitled to my opinion on the OP's situation as you are!

Oh and it's bright

Idiot 🙄

NabooThatsWho · 13/06/2019 17:11

All you can do is be honest and let him decide if his desire for a biological child of his own is greater than his desire to stay in a relationship with you.

But no, don’t have a child unless you REALLY want one. It is usually the mother’s career that is adversely affected by having children and it sounds like you enjoy your life the way it is now.

Bluerussian · 13/06/2019 17:14

Either have a completely honest conversation with your partner or......be dishonest, tell him you are prepared to try for a baby and then avoid pregnancy. I'm not advocating the latter btw.

Original poster
MiaIam · 13/06/2019 19:39

I have not been stringing him along for the past 5 years. For 3 of those years I wanted another child but since the miscarriage and now with us both doing really well in our careers I feel like we our lucky to have what we have now and I am not sure how a baby would fit into or affect that.

I do worry about the financial aspects as I grew up with practically nothing and I don't want my daughter and other child if I were to have one to ever have to experience that. I know I can cut back on things like holidays and daughter's clubs but I worry that the nursery fees and everything else a baby needs could cripple us.

I feel like there are so many what ifs that I just don't know what to do. Like I said earlier if I were to find out I was pregnant tomorrow I would cry and I would have no idea what those tears would mean. I would still love and care for the child regardless but I would have high anxiety and stress about the situation.

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 14/06/2019 10:13

So your DD and you have a lovely life with your DP. He wants a child of his own but your worried about the impact on your lifestyle and that of your DD.

I will be interested to see how long your loving DP sticks around when he realises you will happily allow him to fund your DD lifestyle however you don’t want a DC with him. You may find yourself a single DP and your life style will change anyway. I feel sorry for him. My DP took on my eldest as his own however if I happily allowed him to fund our lifestyle for years and then said no DC for you we wouldn’t be together as he wanted his own DC. He treats my eldest as his own btw but wanted his own biological DC.... nothing wrong with that

WhiteRedRose · 14/06/2019 10:18

You need to make him listen properly to what you are saying.

You also have to be prepared for him to walk away from you, and your daughter, to start again. In some the drive to have their biological own is that strong.

WhiteRedRose · 14/06/2019 10:20

So ultimately, your lifestyle will change either way in the end - a tighter budget and less luxury... either with or without him. Unless you're lucky and he stays.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/06/2019 10:24

Would you be able to maintain the lifestyle you have now without him?

Have you had any help since the miscarriage? Have you talked to anyone?

JellyBaby666 · 14/06/2019 10:26

Have you explained your concerns, some of which are financial, to him? Have you sat down and looked at your combined incomes and the changes another baby would bring to see what affect it will have? Have you talked about changes you both could take to limit expensive childcare ie a condensed work week/flexible working to give you both a day at home a week? Why does your wage cover childcare, are you not a partnership? Where is his money going?

If you haven't spoken to him in detail about why you're reticent then you're not being very fair to him. And if in spite of a discussion and adjustments etc your gut says you don't want a second baby, then tell him that firmly and let him decide whether it's a dealbreaker or not. It's cruel otherwise.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
MiaIam · 14/06/2019 16:51

Financially I pay for all my daughters activities, I pay for at least one of the holidays and all the other bills are split 60/40 with me paying the 60% as I am the one that actually earns more. So I disagree with the comments that I let him fund my daughters lifestyle.

The reason why I stress the most about the financial side is because he wants me to be the one to take care of the kids and to reduce my hours to fit around them. He loves his job and whilst it pays less than mine, he does not want to change any of the hours he works. He still believes that it is more of a woman's role to bring up the children than it is a man's.

I get what a lot of you are saying that either way I could still financially be affected by whatever decision we come up with and like I said in a previous reply I know I can cut back on holidays and daughter's clubs but even then the price difference between them and nursery fees are crazy.

OP posts:
WhiteRedRose · 14/06/2019 16:55

I'd walk away OP, as if he's not willing to compromise on childcare and parenting then you will end up in the sh!t either way.

Why would you even consider being with someone who thinks that way? Grim.

Jaxhog · 14/06/2019 17:00

I get you have a right to choose if you want to have another child or not .. however so has your husband.

But he isn't her husband. Nor will he be the one physically carrying a new life for 9 months, nor be the one left with a baby if he changes his mind. Until then, she gets to make the ultimate choice.

You need a serious talk about your future together, including whether you are actually committed enough to each other to get married or make another legal commitment, which may or may/not include a child together.

HarryHenderson · 14/06/2019 17:02

Let him find someone who will give him a child then. You're not compatible if you can't agree on this huge issue.

Jaxhog · 14/06/2019 17:02

The reason why I stress the most about the financial side is because he wants me to be the one to take care of the kids and to reduce my hours to fit around them. He loves his job and whilst it pays less than mine, he does not want to change any of the hours he works. He still believes that it is more of a woman's role to bring up the children than it is a man's.

So he wants YOU to give up the job you love, to make a child for HIM, that YOU would have to look after.

That would be the decider for me . i.e. No way!

tuxedocatsintophats · 14/06/2019 17:14

The reason why I stress the most about the financial side is because he wants me to be the one to take care of the kids and to reduce my hours to fit around them. He loves his job and whilst it pays less than mine, he does not want to change any of the hours he works. He still believes that it is more of a woman's role to bring up the children than it is a man's.

NO! Just no, no, no, no, no!! NFW. Procreating with a man who has this type of backwards attitude is always a mistake, but procreating with a man who expects you to pack in your career to enable his and do FA to pull his weight when it comes to the donkey work that is having kids when you're not even married is just plain stupidity.

Honestly you need to realise you are onto a hiding to nothing with this man.

People with this sort of entrenched attitude never change and you have an obligation to your DD to support her financially and take care of her, he has no obligation to do this for her. She needs to be the priority here not some guy who's stuck in the 1950s but wants all the 21st century trappings (like not getting married).

I would honestly hope out there so fast.

Please make sure you're using very good contraception.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 14/06/2019 18:27

Your latest update gives real insight to the situation and I think a lot of posters will be changing their advice now!

What you're describing doesn't sound like a good set up for you and your DD, it's dependency upon your DP, not just cutting back on a few extras. I can understand why you have strong reservations and you need to stand your ground.

Talk it through with him, and suggest other scenarios, e.g. him cutting down on work to take care of a baby. If the "1950s" setup is really what he wants and he's not going to budge, you're not compatible partners.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/06/2019 18:30

I think you are both showing incompatibility for the future. You don't want to have another child. He does. He wants the mother of the child to reduce her career. You don't.

I would make steps to separate. He needs to find someone who wants what he wants.

Catalicious · 14/06/2019 18:34

If he wanted a child that much, he'd be willing to make that career sacrifice.

If he isn't, but expects you to, you need to discuss that.

Perhaps some bereavement counselling? It does sound as though your miscarriage is making it harder for you to decide, if you were previously open to another child.

aweedropofsancerre · 14/06/2019 19:12

AmICrazyorWhat2 yep I am a poster who has changed my view!

As someone who also has a DC to someone else I was always fiercely independent, never reduced my hours, kept my flat which I rented out and have my pension. I suppose it was always knowing that things don't always work out as planned. If my OH insisted that I cut my hours to look after our DC as he sees it as my role I wouldn't have had anymore DC, especially given you earn more. Definitely requires a conversation with your DP and make clear your views.

MangoFeverDream · 14/06/2019 23:17

As you have kind of decided that you don’t want another child, you need to let him find someone who wants to have a child with him and agrees with his views on child rearing. As you aren’t married, it should be far easier to separate without him getting your savings/etc

Femodene · 15/06/2019 00:19

He wants you to endure another pregnancy, birth and then ruin your higher earning career and pension to raise his offspring? Why does he want a kid if he’s not prepared to sacrifice anything and has vile, misogynistic views on women? Being unmarried you have zero legal protection too, so ruining your career would be a terrible idea. Your views are valid, don’t feel you have to bring a person into existence to appease this ‘womens work’ boyfriend.

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